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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my partners ex should actually have their dd herself when its her turn?

32 replies

dishwasherfairy · 20/04/2011 13:33

My partner and his ex take it in turns to have their dd 8 every other weekend fri sat and sun and then each have her two night during the week. We also pick his dd up from school give her tea and take her home when she is staying at her mums.

My problem is that my partners ex doesnt stick to these arrangements and on her weekend will always make other arrangemets for her dd either grandparents or aunties for two out of the three nights over the weekend and barely a week goes by when she has her the two weeknights mostly we have her instead.

My partners ex says that she needs a second job as she has no money ( she earns more than my partner) and that she has to work some of the times she is meant to have her dd, that i could accept but most of the time she goes out with friends one night and works the other. I would have thought that she would be better off not spending what she earns on going out, then she wouldnt have to have a second job. I also feel that she has every other weekend to do what she wants when her dd is with us, and that she should save her weekend to spend time with her dd when its her turn.

When my partners dd does get palmed of to his ex partners relatives they always take her out to the club, and she regularly is out until after midnight on a friday and saturday night, this means she doesnt get up until lunchtime when her mum picks her up and takes her next realtives house ready for that evening. My partners dd is fed on pizza, hotdogs and burgers for the whole weekend and no one thinks to put her in the bath/shower or to change her clothes.

I want my partner to say something to his ex, but he is afraid that she would just stop him from having his dd at all. I want to say something to her but guess i shouldnt?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 13:34

Absolutely none of your business what childcare arrangement the mother makes when she is in charge of her own child. :) Or what social life she has either.

jojowest · 20/04/2011 13:37

why doesnt partner go for full custody ?

yoshiLunk · 20/04/2011 13:50

I think squeaky must have used the wrong smiley there.

This situation will be familiar to many non resident parent situations, certainly how I felt when my step children were younger, and now they're in their teens they see more of their nrp Dad than they do their Mum who they live in the same house with, last time they came they were laughing at the fact they literally had not seen her in over three weeks. They assumed she was still alive as there was evidence that the fridge was being re-stocked.

On the other hand, it would be useful to know how long you have been in their lives and how long the arrangement has been as it is. There's not really a lot you can do about it, and you can't make her Mother care for her any differently than she does, - pick your battles, and in the meantime all you can do is make sure the child is happy enough when she's with you.

chipmonkey · 20/04/2011 14:00

Sorry but I don't think it's any of your business what their mother does with them when she has them. Whatever you think of her parenting it is entirely up to her how she parents and what she spends her money on. All you and your dp can do is look after them to the best of your ability when they are in your care.

I'm not, by the way, saying that what she does is right. It doesn't sound at all ideal. Just that, sadly, there's not a lot you can do unless your dp wants to seek full custody and there's no guarantee he would get it.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 20/04/2011 16:04

None of your business. My friends ex decided that she was eing unreasonable to use a childminder while she was at work....and so had a row with the poor CM at the school gates!

Her time with the child is HER time...as long as she is looking after her well.

2rebecca · 20/04/2011 16:12

Agree that if the girl is being safely looked after then none of your business. Grandparents can often miss out when parents separate so it's good they're seeing her. Many married couples have extended family looking after their kids at the weekend.
It sounds as though you are trying to control her a bit and make her do things your way.
Kids of divorced parents do better if the parents get on rather than nit picking about stuff like this.

2rebecca · 20/04/2011 16:16

If your stepdaughter is 8 I would have thought she could get dressed and undressed herself so don't understand the comment about no-one changing her. I presume she has clean clothes there, she should know to put on clean pants on a morning. Keeping her up all night sounds stupid, but if your husband isn't happy with this then he should go for full residency.
At 8 what his daughter wants will be taken into account though.

ivykaty44 · 20/04/2011 16:17

How does this behaviour of your dp's ex impact on your life? I am not asking how it impacts on your dp or his child, but your life?

Northernlurker · 20/04/2011 16:20

I think this is a apalling arrangement. The poor child spend literally all her time shuttling between two homes. I think you partner either needs to go for more time with her - so her main home would be with you but she'd see her mum every other weekend and one night in the week? OR you give up some time with her and mum then pulls her weight properly. Personally I would be going for the first option.

redfairy · 20/04/2011 16:30

It's none of your business how your step daughters mum look after her own child. If your partner wants to raise any concerns with his ex that's up to him but he doesn't. I doubt the ex will welcome you stepping in on his behalf.

unsurevalentine · 20/04/2011 16:35

How do you know this is true? How do you know how much she earns? Do you know what her outgoings are?

None of your business and very judgemental. Do you actually KNOW her?

Can't believe PPs suggesting going for custody

If you say something to her then be prepared for her justifably telling you to piss off

My ex's g/f tells my kids all sorts of things about me (she has never met me) none of them are actually true.

boohoohoo · 20/04/2011 16:43

I'm sorry but it is really none of your business, and I would be wary of where you get your information, kids have a terrible habit of saying one thing to one parent and one to another - I speak from step parent experience!!

kisschase · 20/04/2011 16:45

What redfairy said

2rebecca · 20/04/2011 16:49

I'm divorced and if my ex had regularly taken my kids to the pub until midnight on Friday and Saturday or let his relatives do so I would have been going for full residency and telling him late night pubs aren't a suitable environment for primary school age children..
I agree that her husband should be discusssing this with his ex first though and finding out if it's really true or if the girl has just had an occasional late night becaiuse of a party and is exaggerating.
What she spends her money on is irrelevent though, and both parents should be teaching an 8 year old to dress herself.

yoshiLunk · 20/04/2011 16:57

OP you might be better off posting this in the step parenting forum, you may get more constructive answers.

Having said that I don't think you are coming across all that well, it will be viewed that you're not even a 'proper stepmother' and you're slating the child's mother and her parenting skills - never a good move especially in AIBU

I admit, as I've said - I've thought most of the things you've described to be true about my step situation - but there's little that can be done, unless, as others have said, you really believe this child is being truly neglected.

And it's natural for your DP to think he can't say anything because the ex will make things difficult re contact, - but if she's all you say she is she won't want to kill the golden goose.

Honestly, I think you need to think about what's really bothering you and what you would like to happen and perhaps start again in SP forum.

Good Luck I fear you're going to need it

Tryharder · 20/04/2011 16:58

Agree that there's not really a lot you can do other than go for full custody if you think the situation is really bad. But as long as the girl is looked after, safe, fed and is with relatives, I can't imagine the courts would decide her situation is that bad.

Agree that the poor girl doesn't know whether she's coming or going. She doesn't have a proper home really, does she, - she just stays with people.

I disagree that an 8 year old would automatically be able to find out clean clothing etc if the clothes weren't actually given to her which was my understanding of the OP's statement.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 17:03

No, I didnt use the wrong smiley at all :)

I am a stepmother to 3 and would never have got myself involved in the mothers decision on what happened to the children when they were in her care.

So long as the child is not being left home on her own, starved, or beaten, then the Op needs to keep well out of it and keep her opinions to herself.

bubblecoral · 20/04/2011 17:24

I agree it's none of your business. You can either support your dp in going for residency, or stay out of it.

kaid100 · 20/04/2011 20:37

You list two problems here, and I have to say the first "problem" isn't really anything for you to be worried about at all. When I saw the title of the thread I thought it was going to be about a mother who kept cancelling her weekend and making you, the stepmother and father, look after her all the time. If she has her relatives look after her daughter on her weekend then that's something for her daughter to complain about if it's a problem, but if she's fine with it then it doesn't affect you so why be worried?

The second problem is that your stepdaughter isn't being washed properly, and the food is junk. The food being junk may have to remain their familial choice, but at least you can try to provide more nutritious food when she is with you. The issue of washing, however, maybe is something her father could reasonably bring up with his relatives in a gentle way, but I fear that if you go in as the New Woman, it may not come across quite right.

madascheesecake · 20/04/2011 21:18

I don't think you should say anything as it's not really your place, but your partner has every right to speak to his ex if he's not happy about how his child is being looked after. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd have something to say about it. :)

Vallhala · 20/04/2011 21:38

Perhaps you'd like to offer to have the little girl whilst her mother works and goes out socialising. Until then it really is none of your business.

CheeseandGherkins · 20/04/2011 21:44

By "more constructive" do you mean "people agreeing with her"?

reelingintheyears · 20/04/2011 21:46

Not really anything to do with you.

pinkstarlight · 20/04/2011 21:52

sorry but i think you should stay out of this as it looks like your just stiring the pot and coming across as sour grapes.for a start how do you know what time the child gets up,eats and if she bathes or not on the mums weekend.

if your partner has concerns maybe the better arrangement would be to have the child every weekend instead of during the week,but thats between your partner and his x to sort out.

yoshiLunk · 21/04/2011 08:01

By "more constructive" do you mean "people agreeing with her"?

No, I don't mean that at all, I don't think anyone on the step forum would ever agree that she should approach the mother with her concerns in this situation, and that it really what she's asking here.

But I do think that she could get some direction about accepting what she can't control, and approaching the step parenting role differently.

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