to think that my partners ex should actually have their dd herself when its her turn?

[dishwasherfairy]

My partner and his ex take it in turns to have their dd 8 every other weekend fri sat and sun and then each have her two night during the week. We also pick his dd up from school give her tea and take her home when she is staying at her mums.

My problem is that my partners ex doesnt stick to these arrangements and on her weekend will always make other arrangemets for her dd either grandparents or aunties for two out of the three nights over the weekend and barely a week goes by when she has her the two weeknights mostly we have her instead.

My partners ex says that she needs a second job as she has no money ( she earns more than my partner) and that she has to work some of the times she is meant to have her dd, that i could accept but most of the time she goes out with friends one night and works the other. I would have thought that she would be better off not spending what she earns on going out, then she wouldnt have to have a second job. I also feel that she has every other weekend to do what she wants when her dd is with us, and that she should save her weekend to spend time with her dd when its her turn.

When my partners dd does get palmed of to his ex partners relatives they always take her out to the club, and she regularly is out until after midnight on a friday and saturday night, this means she doesnt get up until lunchtime when her mum picks her up and takes her next realtives house ready for that evening. My partners dd is fed on pizza, hotdogs and burgers for the whole weekend and no one thinks to put her in the bath/shower or to change her clothes.

I want my partner to say something to his ex, but he is afraid that she would just stop him from having his dd at all. I want to say something to her but guess i shouldnt?

I'm a stepmother and I agree with the OP that it is infuriating when the general standards of care that a stepchild receives with their other parent are ultra low (late nights, poor nutrition, inadequate supervision of personal hygiene, too much time outsourced to other carers etc). If the standards of care are slipping to levels that are unacceptable on a long-term basis, you do have a case to raise with the other parent (in the first instance) and a solicitor/court if nothing changes.

Oh, and other posters are quite wrong to say that it is not the OP's business to have an opinion on how her DSD's mother cares for her. Mothers are not infallible.

Bonsoir, having an opinion is one thing but unless there is outright neglect or abuse, saying something is another. Tbh, I wouldn't be too happy in dwf's position but an ex can't go barging in telling his childrens' mother how they should be raised when they are with her.

"an ex can't go barging in telling his childrens' mother how they should be raised when they are with her"

If parental responsibility has remained joint it is, in fact, the duty of each parent to keep an eye on what is happening to his/her child all the time and to take steps to ensure that his/her child is receiving adequate care at all times. And what is happening in the OP does sound pretty ropy and worth raising with the mother.

It's funny. I have seen threads where someone is complaining about a man doing similar stuff. And the response has been very different.

I wonder what the advice would have been if someone had posted that the child's father, who had shared custody, was regularly not having the child during the week like they were supposed to and they had them every other weekend but went out boozing one of those nights and for most of the weekend, in fact, they asked their relatives to look after the child.

In fact - I have actually READ that thread.

The man was slated as being an irresponsible and feckless father who clearly didn't care about his child.

So, I wonder. Is this totally different because it is the mother not the father, or because it is the partner of the other parent telling it, not the other parent?

Cos the treatment of the child is exactly the same, so it can't be that.

Which means that how a child is treated isn't the point, so much as who's doing it and who's telling it.

Or have I misunderstood?

Actually regularly taking the child to a club until midnight would constitute neglect

Neglect can also include ignoring a child?s basic emotional needs. This includes children being present with or without their parents, at venues unsuitable for their age:

Premises where the supply of alcohol is the main activity and there are no activities for children or families

I think you should get your partner to verify if the child is actually at a club at all hours. It could be something like a relative picking her up from work late and the child is in the car too or has popped in to wait for mum for a few minutes only. Okay, that's not ideal, but it isn't neglect either if she is with a responsible adult and not around people who are smoking and drinking. Children don't always remember or recount events entirely accurately, so be careful before you accuse.

Also, given that custody is shared, the mum might view it as a positive thing for her child to spend time with extended family. Nothing wrong with aunties and GPs babysitting sometimes. Perhaps the mum does need to work. You don't know her financial situation.

It might be exactly as you say, but then again it might not, so tread carefully and let your DP express concerns if he has them.

If it does just come down to the fact that her parenting is different to yours, then you do have to stay out of it, because this is her child and not yours.If I shared custody, then I would want every minute possible to be with my child, so would not go out drinking when I could be with them, but not all people are the same. I do think you could ask your partner to check with the mum that DD is getting washed, if she comes back to you in dirty clothes etc.