to ask my DP to leave or am I over reacting? (bit long, sorry)

[Martha4791]

I have been living with my DP for 5 years along with my DS, 14 and our DS 18 months. We usually live quite peacefully, although DP is quite impatient and grumpy.
However, occasionally there are incidents which make me think we should split up. These usually involve the way DP has treated my DS, and I can think of perhaps 10 incidents such as these since we have been together. DS will misbehave in some way and DP will flip and be aggressive. For instance chasing him up the stairs then getting right up to his face almost spitting with rage, or bursting into a locked bathroom in a rage, that my Ds has ran off to. DP is not remorseful afterwards, as if he had a moment of madness, but rather he is the one wronged, that it is DS's fault, and that I should back him up. I try to back him up in day to day stuff, but can never back him up in these incidents of nasty behavior.
I really think he doesn't know how to deal with conflict with children, which is worsening as my DS is getting older, and only has his own experiences to go on ( DP gets on well with his own father now, but his father did punch his front teeth out when he was a teenager, so not exactly a good role model for parenting).
Yesterday, another incident occured. I was just waking up in bed from a night shift but could just about hear what was being said downstairs. My DS was in a mood, upset that he had been banned, quite rightly, from his X Box for something that had happened the previous day. He called DP ridiculous, and was generally being very rude to him. I heard DP just snap , his voice changed to it's nasty growl. I knew something was going on. I then heard DS go to the front door, shout at DP to ' F$%* off' ( never have I heard him say the F word before) . By the time I was downstairs Ds had gone.
DP said he had pushed on DS chest to have words with him as he was sitting on the sofa.
DS was not picking up his phone and I presumed he was with his friends as usual. However, it turned out that he had walked 5 miles along country lanes to the next town and sat in the library before calling my mum to collect him and slept at her house.
The next morning my son told me that DP had grabbed him around the neck and hit/clipped him on the head. There are no marks. I do believe my DS rather than my DP and have told DS this.
So, what do I do now? Or am I over reacting? These incidents can't keep happening. Splitting up would of couse be difficult for everyone. I really don't know how I would cope and there are lots of positives to our relationship. But nothing can outweigh the huge negatine that is his occasional nasty, derogatory attitudes and behavior towards my son.
Any advice welcome.

Did he act like this before you got together?
If it was his real father, would you tolerate an explosion every 6 months?

I'd say it isn't so unusual in homes with teenage boys (or girls).

My main concern would be that your DP doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for his own behaviour. Yes, teenagers can drive you mad, I have two of them, but your DP is an adult who should be able to control his temper.

Sounds dreadful - your poor ds should not have to put up with being abused like that (the running up the stairs part) - how often? 10 times in 5 years??

You are under-reacting if anything.

Relationships is probably more appropriate for this thread - perhaps you can ask to have it moved?

I don't understand why you have stayed with him to be honest. If anyone was ever aggressive or threatening to my DS they would have been out the door the first time it happened.

Its a difficult one and not sure what to say.

Is your son trying to push your husband over the edge? May be you need to have a firm talk with your son and his behaviour.

Teenagers are difficult and they are even more difficult to parent especially if they are not your biological child.

millie30 - but everyone shouts at their children especially when they are testing you. Is this aggression or just lack of control?

its like two stags fighting to be the alpha male, lots of adolescent hormones flying around as well

its normal tbh, many many men find their sons "intimidating" (not sure thats the right word, but cant think of the one i mean) and think they need slapping down

ime you have a few more years of it yet :)

If you are happy to be left with your DP after your son leaves home at the earliest opportunity, and for your son to feel full of resentment for the rest of his adult life because you did nothing to stop your partner from continually losing his temper/bullying him, then carry on exactly as you are doing.

Your son was distressed and unhappy enough to actually leave the family home and walk miles away to get away from your husband - this is not acceptable IMHO.

Would your dp be behaving like this to his 'own' child?

MrSpoc I was going from the OP who said he flips and is aggressive, has pushed him and grabbed him by the neck. I think that goes beyond shouting at your children.

shouting is one thing, but I would expect an adult male to be able to control himself physically, not push or hit or get into someone's face

I just can't respect men who behave like children

imho teenage boys need having male dignity modelled to them, not more hormonal behaviour- they can manage that for themselves

my dad used to do shit like this (especially the bursting into a locked bathroom where we had gone to hide). He started when we were tiny. I can't forgive him. And I can't forgive my mum for just letting him do it. She could have protected us and didn't.

Never did anything bad enough to leave marks - but it was scary enough.

Seriously if this was an adult would it be ok to brake into rooms where they had hidden themselves, presumably through fear (I know I did), or be ok to grab them by the throat? Your own ds fled your house through fear.

It doesn;t matter how often it happens - it happens. and by nnot stopping it you are saying to your ds that it is ok for this man to treat him like that.

The fact that he gets right in your son's face, spitting with fury and anger is more than enough for me, and I believe your son. You say there have been around 10 incidents. Well, one would have been enough for me. Your DP refusing to take any responsibility is a bit warning sign. Your son is scared shitless of him, that's enough.

I agree with jojowest

Your partner was not be a bully. Your son was banned from using his x-box for something he had done wrong. So your son has challenged and pushed your husband until he snaps (normal for teenagers to do) He then told your husband to fuck off.

To me this is normal and you should be backing up your husband and if you did then may be the situation my change.

Agree this is best in relationship thread but I don't think I would be able to tolerate this. Mainly your P isn't the dad and therefore doesn't have the 'right' to discipline to this level. If he continues he's likely to drive your son away so something needs to happen now. Splitting isn't the first step but I would suggest you make sure your partner knows this isn't acceptable.

Could you get your Partner to speak with a parenting organisation - some outside assistance to acknowledge that what happened to him as a teen (by his own dad) wasn't acceptable and he can't copy that behaviour now.

You could also try to get your partner to analyse the situation - what happened, what made him so angry, what discipline tools are available, such as taking away games etc. He seems to have an anger issue..does it come out in other ways with you or your other son?
He has to learn that if a teen or toddler winds him up then he shouldn't resort to violence or anger, he has to learn to walk away and cool down. That's the best lesson to give your sons.

Anger and aggression towards a teen (or toddler) will only cause a negative reaction - it will never be positive. Your partner has to learn that lesson

MrSpoc, grabbing a child by the throat is normal?

Where is your son's father, and what sort of a reltionship do they have?

"So your son has challenged and pushed your husband until he snaps (normal for teenagers to do) "

Yes, but is it normal for fathers to snap and become physically aggressive because they are challenged? And if so, how do they cope in the outside world with obnoxious clients, bullying bosses, and aggravating road incidents? Can they blame the fact that they were pushed until they snapped- no, they can't!

What I want from my ds's father is to show him that you can cope with challenges without becoming physical: otherwise, how will he cope in the real world?

Hmmm I sympathise with you OP as my DB sometimes deals with issues with my kids a lot more aggressively than I would.

I tackle him on it every time and he has toned it down a lot.

He has never been physically aggressive but he has said really out of line things.

Its only at times like that I have questioned whether I should be in the realtionship (as I am very much in love with him) and I have told DB (and told him my DCs will always come first) and IUthink he was shocked I felt that strongly about it.

Have you spoken to DP and told him how you feel?

So he has been doing this intermittently since your ds was 9? If so it is not really a case if a teenaged boy being a PITA is it?

If anyone did this to my child he would be gone. He sounds like an immature toddler himself. Your poor ds .

It is not normal or right to grab the child. but i can see that the teenager is challenging him and that you are not supporting your husband as you should be.

Smum99 - I do not agree when you said Mainly your P isn't the dad and therefore doesn't have the 'right' to discipline to this level this is the reason alot of these issue come up. if you get with someone they should become the dad with all the rights and resonsibilites and he in turn should take them on likewise. Otherwise he would you expect it to work?

Please don't think for one moment that your DS won't remember this for the rest of his life. He will. He might be a teenager but I can't see how that doesn't entitle him to be treated with dignity. Of course discipline him if needs be but this kind of ritual humilation to the point where the poor boy can't face coming home? That's just wrong wrong wrong.
Maybe he shouldn't have told your DP to fuck off but maybe he just couldn't take any more? I feel very sad for him.

If you had posted and said;

"last night my partner grabbed me by the throat and clipped me round the head. I was scared and swore at him to make him let me go. I left the house and walked for miles before I managed to get hold of my mum. I stayed there for the night because I was too scared and upset to go home. I told someone I trusted about it but my dp told them I'm lying and downplayed what happened."

What do you think posters would be saying then?

Your partner assaulted your son, he has been emotionally or physically abusive to him before. your partner doesn't show remorse either.
Your son needs someone he trusts to look out for him as he is still a child. He needs you to keep him safe.

And supposing it was the wife who was being obnoxious and enfuriating- would it be ok for him to grab her by the throat, MrSpoc?

Do you suppose that noone has enfuriating wives or bosses or colleagues? They still have to control themselves- or the law takes a very dim view indeed. So clearly it isn't impossible for a man to control himself, it just depends on whether he thinks he has to.

I think since you weren't there you probably can't categorically say who is telling the truth here.
But it does sound as though there is a building problem. And as your DS gets bigger, it's going to get worse unless some resolution is reached.

My Dad snapped and lost it with my brother when he was about 16 - lashed out and hit him, knocking him over. He'd never done anything like that before and never did it again but my brother pushed him and pushed him and he snapped. However, bothe their versions tallied as to what had happened (except for the lead-up to it - my brother didn't think he'd been that bad, my Dad obviously did but I am not condoning his response, and neither did my Dad, he was very embarrassed and angry with himself for allowing himself to be pushed like that).

All I'm saying is that if your DP and your DS don't work this out soon, it could escalate into violence that WILL require you to do something about it.

Mr Spoc an adult getting right into someone's face or bursting open a locked bathroom door to get to someone is not acceptable, especially not when the other person is still a child. The OP has already said she backs her DP up in day to day stuff but not when he displays nasty behaviour and so she shouldn't. This 'man' needs to learn to control his temper. What he does would not be considered acceptable behaviour to an adult and it isn't acceptable to a child.

I have two teenagers, I have, occasionally, shouted at them but I would never behave like this towards them, it isn't right. The worst thing about this is that the DP won't accept that his behaviour is wrong so therefore is very unlikely to stop it.

OP someone earlier mentioned your DS resenting you when he gets older because from his pov you allowed it to happen. That could very well happen. Is it what you want.