to ask my DP to leave or am I over reacting? (bit long, sorry)

[Martha4791]

I have been living with my DP for 5 years along with my DS, 14 and our DS 18 months. We usually live quite peacefully, although DP is quite impatient and grumpy.
However, occasionally there are incidents which make me think we should split up. These usually involve the way DP has treated my DS, and I can think of perhaps 10 incidents such as these since we have been together. DS will misbehave in some way and DP will flip and be aggressive. For instance chasing him up the stairs then getting right up to his face almost spitting with rage, or bursting into a locked bathroom in a rage, that my Ds has ran off to. DP is not remorseful afterwards, as if he had a moment of madness, but rather he is the one wronged, that it is DS's fault, and that I should back him up. I try to back him up in day to day stuff, but can never back him up in these incidents of nasty behavior.
I really think he doesn't know how to deal with conflict with children, which is worsening as my DS is getting older, and only has his own experiences to go on ( DP gets on well with his own father now, but his father did punch his front teeth out when he was a teenager, so not exactly a good role model for parenting).
Yesterday, another incident occured. I was just waking up in bed from a night shift but could just about hear what was being said downstairs. My DS was in a mood, upset that he had been banned, quite rightly, from his X Box for something that had happened the previous day. He called DP ridiculous, and was generally being very rude to him. I heard DP just snap , his voice changed to it's nasty growl. I knew something was going on. I then heard DS go to the front door, shout at DP to ' F$%* off' ( never have I heard him say the F word before) . By the time I was downstairs Ds had gone.
DP said he had pushed on DS chest to have words with him as he was sitting on the sofa.
DS was not picking up his phone and I presumed he was with his friends as usual. However, it turned out that he had walked 5 miles along country lanes to the next town and sat in the library before calling my mum to collect him and slept at her house.
The next morning my son told me that DP had grabbed him around the neck and hit/clipped him on the head. There are no marks. I do believe my DS rather than my DP and have told DS this.
So, what do I do now? Or am I over reacting? These incidents can't keep happening. Splitting up would of couse be difficult for everyone. I really don't know how I would cope and there are lots of positives to our relationship. But nothing can outweigh the huge negatine that is his occasional nasty, derogatory attitudes and behavior towards my son.
Any advice welcome.

It has escalated to violence - bursting into a locked bathroom door in a rage is violence. Her ds said he put his hands around his neck - extremely worrying violence. Raging in someone's face is violent.

The OP's P has, in previous incidents, not taken any responsibility for his actions - he has instead blamed the child. For that reason alone I would have to believe her ds.

Your son walked for 5 MILES to get away from your house.

I can't believe there are people here saying this is normal.

I would say there are faults on both sides here. Your son is certainly not an innocent in all of this

Thank you all for the responses.
Moondog- Dp is known for impatience among friends and family- almost a bit of a joke. He gets road rage all the time. He has been married before, no children. I get the impression the relationship was quite volatile. The first incident towards my son was after 1.5 years of being together.
Gob..-DS's father has had no contact since ds was 6. We never lived together so I was living alone with DS from Birth until age 9 when i met DP. in our honest talking moments DS says he is realy not interested in contacting his father.
MrSpoc- I know you have gone against the general view that my DP is in the wrong. I disagree, but do agree that he should have equal right to discipline. i want to back him up. That's good parenting. But I can't back up nastiness.

Myself and Dp have spoken about this lots of times- it's a recurring hot issue between us. It just keeps coming back.

You need to sit them both down together and talk to them in a calm and reasonable voice.

Get them both to see what mistakes they are making.

Your DH needs some kind of anger management course. Perhaps though your son needs to know that he cannot keep pushing. Not that your DH's behaviour is acceptable it isn't but neither is your sons.

It's not a joke when you are on the recieving end, though is it? Sorry Martha, but the road rage is another red flag to me. My H has been in therapy for a long time and is coming to terms with his abusive upbringing (abusive father). He had road rage too, as well as not being able to control his temper with dc (and me). Not all the time of course, but enough to make our lives miserable. We are all much happier now.

newnamethistime- good to know that therapy worked for you DH. How did you arrange the therapy? Was it just for your DH? Was he positive about going to therapy? How long did it take?

Your partner is bullying your son and if it were me he would have been out the first time he did it tbh.

I agree with dreaming, this is not normal IMO. Your son is a teenager, and some of his reactions to your partner's violence and rage have not been measured and mature, but he is a child ffs.

My Mum's second husband had angry outbursts and occasional episodes of physical violence towards me from the age of 5 until he left when I was 13. I remember I was so scared of him I would rather wet the bed than leave my room in the mornings until he had left for work if my Mum was still asleep. The agressive incidents were not every week, or even every month (apart from towards the end), but still left me in constant fear of when and how he would next snap. This fear made me withdrawn and I exhibited difficult behaviour at times, but was because of his behaviour, and did not cause it. Even if my difficult behaviour did cause him to bully me and lose the plot, it does not make it right. It damaged me and damaged my adult relationships, and it is only now I am in my 30s I don't feel fucked up by him anymore.

Listen to your son OP and stand up for him, even if he's being a PITA teenager, it is no excuse for your partner to act the same or worse and remember your toddler is a witness to all of this too - I felt invisible for the whole time my darling step father lived in my house, and it is not nice.

It was ultimatum time following an incident with our 4yo ds. He agreed to seeing someone initially to placate me but then realised when he was there that perhaps there was a point. He hates his father and realised that he was turning into him (I rammed that point home fairly clearly). I couldn't cope during the process (It really was pretty bad - not a lot of physical violence but lots of 'rage' - you probably know what I mean), so I sorted therapy for myself too which is great. We've both being going (separately) for 18 months now. I got the name of the practice from our gp (not in the UK). The whole thing has been life-changing for both of us.
H knew I was going to leave unless he took responsibility for his own actions. I also told my parents what had been going on (a bit edited).

"If you had posted and said;

"last night my partner grabbed me by the throat and clipped me round the head. I was scared and swore at him to make him let me go. I left the house and walked for miles before I managed to get hold of my mum. I stayed there for the night because I was too scared and upset to go home. I told someone I trusted about it but my dp told them I'm lying and downplayed what happened."

What do you think posters would be saying then?

Your partner assaulted your son, he has been emotionally or physically abusive to him before. your partner doesn't show remorse either.
Your son needs someone he trusts to look out for him as he is still a child. He needs you to keep him safe."

Agree with quoted post. He is becoming violent toward your DS and your son is not feeling safe in his own home. Has your DS ever been physical or threatening to your DH? He is only 14, a teenager is still a child until a certain point.

newnamethistime- Looks like an ultimatum is needed here too.

LDNmummy-I agree with you. My son has never been aggressive to my DP. He's small for his age- still smaller than me, and just doesn't have that kind of nature.

it sounds to me like your DP has crossed the line with your DS, from discipline to intimidation.

you can't intimidate someone in to respecting you, quite the opposite.

you have a moral and legal obligation to protect your child from assaults like this!

DS needs to be safe, as does your youngest DC. DP needs to know there is a line you do not cross with children, and if he is not being listened to or respected there needs to be a clear system of punishment for DS, such as losing pocket money, or not using computer or consoles

I think you need to tell DP that you will have him removed from your house if he intimidates or touches your child again, otherwise you are complicit in this.

you can also do a Teen Triple P course to help you both deal with your teen. you can access this via your school, local sure start or by calling social services for the nearest provider.

whatever you do please don't let this inadequate thug bully your own child from his home. please.

From reading Mumsnet for several years, it seems that the most provoking category of human beings in the world is actually not teenagers but MILs. Yet I have never seen anyone suggesting that grabbing a MIL round the neck is acceptable behaviour if she pushes your buttons. Funny that...

Martha - I had ineffectively tried to get him to look for help in the past. The reason I was ineffective was that I allowed him to talk me out of it. I accepted his reasons for why he had lost his temper (dc behaving badly etc) after long drawn out arguments where he brought up all of my/dc's failings.
It was only once I had firm boundries in my head that I was able to have the ultimatum conversation. No matter what dc or I did, we never deserve to be abused was my stand point. It was up to him to learn to behave better.

No, this sort of behaviour is never a joke, nor is road rage all the time acceptable. It seems like over the years you have become normalised to his behaviour.
My father was similar to your dp and my mother left him after we'd all moved out. Moved out as soon as I was old enough to and never seen him again.

I wish my mother had moved out when we were kids still.
No way would I choose to be with a partner like your dp.