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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby wants to leave me when baby is 3 months old

43 replies

HPonEverything · 20/04/2011 11:16

Not as dramatic as it sounds from the title, but here's the story anyway as I could do with some advice/reassurance/ammo :) Sorry it's a bit long:

We are expecting our first baby in October. I'm quite anxious about this obviously. My DH is self-employed as a tradesman here but we also have a place in France that we're hoping to move out to permanently in some distant time in the future probably a few years.

We've got a British fella who lives out there (let's call him Andy) in the house at the moment doing some work, and when we were there a couple of weeks ago and he discovered what my DH's skills are he offered him work on the spot - they are apparently crying out for my DH's trade in France.

Andy said he had a big job coming up later this year which was at least a month's work for DH, and DH instantly said yes he could start in November. I was a bit at this as we will all being well have a 3 week old baby. We had a bit of a 'discussion' and he said he would sort it out. He emailed Andy and said he couldn't start the job in November, and would January be ok. Andy said yes great.

So now I'm in this situation of losing my husband for a month when our first child is 2-3 months old. DH thinks he has compromised by delaying it. He doesn't want to nark Andy by refusing the work, as he thinks Andy is a good contact for getting future work, and also for networking with ex-pats for our eventual move out - I can see this point of view. Also he claims that work in England might be slow in January, and taking the job in France will be really well paid and would mean I don't have to go back to work as quickly (even though by then I think I will be keen to get back). In reality his work has NEVER been slow at any time of year, he is always fully booked.

I do realise I'm really lucky in lots of respects and I'm not really moaning about my DH as such, just the situation he appears to have got us in. I want this to work but I don't want to be left on my own with a baby when I'm a first-time mum. I will really need my DH, I'm a very anxious person and he is experienced as has 2 children from a previous marriage although that's not really the point I suppose. His answer is that my mum can come and stay but I don't think we can expect this of her or ask her - my family live 5 hours away and I'm very isolated where I live. I don't have any sort of network of people around me although maybe I will by then?

I realise that women deal with this kind of thing all the time and army wives spend a lot of time bringing up children on their own, but most people have a network of people around them and I literally have nobody. I'd like to think I could cope on my own but I'm not sure I will as I have no frame of reference ...

I'm trying to come up with compromises - one of them is for me and baby to go to France for that month, but I don't know how feasible that is wrt passports and travelling such a long distance (it's 14 hours door to door). Plus we'd still be on our own all day while he's at work, and we'd have the added problem of being in a foreign country with no doctors or whatever...

Any advice/suggestions people? Or tell me to get over myself and get on with it?

OP posts:

LadyThumb · 20/04/2011 11:21

I think your idea of going with him would be a good solution. Compromise all round I would say!

yoshiLunk · 20/04/2011 11:26

I can understand you being worried if you know you are an anxious person, but you will be able to cope, and looking back you will probably treasure that time when you had your baby all to yourself

I really wouldn't go with him though, stay home. Ask your Mum to be on standby that if you feel you are not coping that you can ask her to come and stay if you need her.

In the meantime make a start on finding some friends nearby.

Original poster

HPonEverything · 20/04/2011 11:35

LadyThumb Yes but this has its problems as I say, plus although the house is habitable it won't be as 'set up' as the one in England would be e.g. baby would be in a travel cot for a month, I don't know if this is ok or not? There is heating but it's not as good as in England.

Maybe I need to demand duplicate everything and insist he makes the journeys now to take everything over? We already seem to have loads of clutter, so perhaps we just double up on all the clutter or just take bare essentials to get us through a month.

yoshiLunk I'm not sure I will treasure it, I think I'll be fraught. I already miss him and get a bit depressed when he's away from home (I sound pathetic), so if I have PND or something then it would be worse.

I'm hoping to make more friends through 'baby' stuff but where we live is quite rural... I think when my mum finds out I'm so worried she'll probably be great and want to come down so I'm hoping she offers to be on standby without me having to actually ask her :)

OP posts:

Ginabraz · 20/04/2011 11:37

You may find that you will cope easily as you will not be all by yourself at all. Your little baby will hopefully be a 'good one' and you will get much joy from it. Look at joiningg the local NCT groups and you will soon find a support network.

LIZS · 20/04/2011 11:37

go with him. 3 month olds are still very portable.

SarkyLady · 20/04/2011 11:42

go with him.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 11:46

I dont think going with him is going to be the best idea. At home you have family around you, or close to get to, your own home comforts, your own GP and a familiar language.

You can arrange to go and visit other family members too, so you neednt be stuck indoors on your own with the baby.

You will cope, and you will cope absolutely fine too. :)

eaglewings · 20/04/2011 11:49

You don't need much for a 3 month old as long as you can get the house warm enough.

Where abouts in France? Is it near a town? If so the Dr's are great out there and the ex pats will tell you which is the best.

Take the chance while you are on ML and the baby is young

nepenthe3 · 20/04/2011 11:51

My husband travels overseas a lot for work and has had to go away when each of my three DCs were under six months at some point. I have never had family close by but have sort of muddled through! I know the prospect must seem very daunting but I want to reassure you you will manage. It's a case of just taking each day as it comes. Are you part of any antenatal groups? I made some lovely friends though my antenatal group when my DS1 was tiny and people can be kind and supportive if they know you are 'home alone' for a spell. Just don't be afraid to ask for help! Try not to worry too much in advance, it sounds like an excellent opportunity for your DH. I always have a strange sense of achievement after managing spells on my own when DH travels for work. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

controlpantsandgladrags · 20/04/2011 11:57

Can you wait until the baby is born before you make a decision on whether or not to go with him? You're really not going to know how you will feel about it until then I don't think.

backwardpossom · 20/04/2011 11:59

Definitely go with him - a 3 month old baby doesn't need much and they're much easier to take with you at that age than when they're older.

AliGrylls · 20/04/2011 12:02

I would let your DH go, but I would plan to visit for weekends or for him to come back at weekends.

Also, If you are going to be on your own try to get your support network going now. Maybe start going to playgroups and get to know people now. By the time the baby comes you will already have a circle of friends and people to call upon.

A good social life and things to do will probably be what saves you. I would also use people as much as you can - most people like to think of themselves as helpful particularly to a new mother.

QuintEggSentialPaints · 20/04/2011 12:04

A month is nothing. Honestly. My dh left me and our firstborn for 3 months when he was 3 months old. I coped. It was fine.

I have also had the pleasure of living abroad with a young child, with no support, and no family, and not knowing anybody, or how to find doctors, etc. It was not great. Especially because I was on my own the entire day, and dh came back from work shortly before our child went to sleep. Our son was 18 months at the time, so a little different, but nevertheless, I would not recommend it. Better to stay home in familiar surroundings with your support network.

AKissIsNotAContract · 20/04/2011 12:05

I'm assuming 14 hours is if you drive. Would it not be possible for you and the baby to fly there? Much easier journey for you.

nepenthe3 · 20/04/2011 12:08

Just to add, do you think you could ask you mum way in advance if she could come and stay for a couple of weeks during that time? If you have her 'pre-booked' it will take some of the anxiety away for you, perhaps. She would probably relish the opportunity!

sayithowitis · 20/04/2011 12:18

You say that the place in France has 'no doctors' etc. But surely that will be the same when you move out there permanently whether that's now or in a few years? And, if it's in a few years, presumably your baby will be mobile, you may ene have more children. IME, it was when mine were walking/at school/etc that I needed the doctors more, not when they were tiny babies. Personally, I would go with your husband and use this as an opportunity to discover the reality of living in such a remote place, abroad, with young children. I do not say that to try and put you off, just that the difficulties you raise as reasons not to go now, will still be there. Also, babies are very good at giving you an 'in' to the locals and you may find that you have ,more support there than you imagine.

Good luck

Original poster

HPonEverything · 20/04/2011 12:24

Hi all, thanks so much, your responses and experiences have been really reassuring and I have now made my decision on the back of them.

I'm going to stay in England regardless, relish the time alone with my little one, and also the sense of achievement I always have the internet to keep me sane!

Seeing mum at the weekend so I will test the water with her perhaps coming down for a week or so which I think she'd love to (it's really my dad that is the problem in terms of whether he lets her, he's very controlling of her movements )

As for DH, he has said he might struggle to leave us when the time comes (though I'm sure he'll manage it ) but I will see if he can fly home for a long weekend in the middle.

And I will start working on having a social life!

Thanks again :)

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 20/04/2011 12:25

How do you think single parents cope? The baby will sleep most of the time and be no trouble. If this means he can earn in a month what he earns in two surely that is better for you.

He has already compromised, maybe you should do some compromising too, its too good an opportunity to miss.

LIZS · 20/04/2011 12:30

I' d definitely still try to go over for a period in the middle though - if only to have a break and road test the area for future. Let him go over first and get it organised. There will be doctors, you can probably do the journey in less than 14 hours if you consider all the alternatives, passport for a baby is no problem at all.

Original poster

HPonEverything · 20/04/2011 12:31

sayithowitis I see what you are saying but really what I meant was that it wouldn't be 'our' doctor or health visitor or whatever, we wouldn't be registered as it's only a month - I haven't read everything I should've read about new babies yet but I think they keep tabs on you for a few months after birth, and the baby needs injections and things?

I think you're right that the baby will be a useful tool for meeting new people though... our place in France ironically isn't as remote as our place in England so I'm not overly worried about moving out there permanently, I actually find it more lonely here than in France :( I'm just more worried about being alone with a little one and not really knowing what I'm doing and having no husband to help me!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 20/04/2011 12:32

Dh left me for 5 weeks when ds3 was 6 weeks old. It was fine! I went to stay with my parents for a while and then came back to my own house. In a way it was easier than having dh around, I could sleep when ds1 slept, eat when I felt like it and ds1 and I got on fine. I think the fact that your baby will be 3 months old is better again, at that age, they are past the whingy colicky stage and into the smiley personable stage.

Dh did manage to come home for a weekend in the middle as well. Could your dh manage this?

Oh and I am glad it's not what I thought when I read the thread title!

jojowest · 20/04/2011 12:33

my OH went on a 20 week residential course when our baby was a month old (and had a toddler too)

It was fine, i just got on with it and he came home with his laundry at weekends :)

LIZS · 20/04/2011 12:37

Babies have injections at roughly 8,12 and 16 weeks so you could easily flex that to suit your timings. Otherwise you probably won't see much of your HV by then anyway. Baby would still be exclusively milk fed (bf woulld be ideal if travelling but formula is as readily available there as here) and need relatviely little other than a pushchair and place to sleep. Ironically having a young baby would probably open doors for you in the community than if you go as a couple , buit would agree with point made about possible isolation while dh works.

Original poster

HPonEverything · 20/04/2011 12:42

FabbyChic I think most single parents I know cope really well, but I'm not one. I have a husband and he wanted the baby as much (actually more, if I'm honest) as I did. Now it's a reality and he's leaving us on our own. I'm not going to die in a ditch about it I was just looking for a bit of advice and reassurance, which has been given. I'm not wringing my hands and wailing, I'm just a bit worried.

I'm pretty sure I AM compromising , and certainly showing willingness to compromise in my posts here so I'm not sure how you got the opposite impression.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 20/04/2011 14:03

HP, you will be fine! And if it all goes tits-up you can always post on here!

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