Hubby wants to leave me when baby is 3 months old

[HPonEverything]

Not as dramatic as it sounds from the title, but here's the story anyway as I could do with some advice/reassurance/ammo :) Sorry it's a bit long:

We are expecting our first baby in October. I'm quite anxious about this obviously. My DH is self-employed as a tradesman here but we also have a place in France that we're hoping to move out to permanently in some distant time in the future probably a few years.

We've got a British fella who lives out there (let's call him Andy) in the house at the moment doing some work, and when we were there a couple of weeks ago and he discovered what my DH's skills are he offered him work on the spot - they are apparently crying out for my DH's trade in France.

Andy said he had a big job coming up later this year which was at least a month's work for DH, and DH instantly said yes he could start in November. I was a bit at this as we will all being well have a 3 week old baby. We had a bit of a 'discussion' and he said he would sort it out. He emailed Andy and said he couldn't start the job in November, and would January be ok. Andy said yes great.

So now I'm in this situation of losing my husband for a month when our first child is 2-3 months old. DH thinks he has compromised by delaying it. He doesn't want to nark Andy by refusing the work, as he thinks Andy is a good contact for getting future work, and also for networking with ex-pats for our eventual move out - I can see this point of view. Also he claims that work in England might be slow in January, and taking the job in France will be really well paid and would mean I don't have to go back to work as quickly (even though by then I think I will be keen to get back). In reality his work has NEVER been slow at any time of year, he is always fully booked.

I do realise I'm really lucky in lots of respects and I'm not really moaning about my DH as such, just the situation he appears to have got us in. I want this to work but I don't want to be left on my own with a baby when I'm a first-time mum. I will really need my DH, I'm a very anxious person and he is experienced as has 2 children from a previous marriage although that's not really the point I suppose. His answer is that my mum can come and stay but I don't think we can expect this of her or ask her - my family live 5 hours away and I'm very isolated where I live. I don't have any sort of network of people around me although maybe I will by then?

I realise that women deal with this kind of thing all the time and army wives spend a lot of time bringing up children on their own, but most people have a network of people around them and I literally have nobody. I'd like to think I could cope on my own but I'm not sure I will as I have no frame of reference ...

I'm trying to come up with compromises - one of them is for me and baby to go to France for that month, but I don't know how feasible that is wrt passports and travelling such a long distance (it's 14 hours door to door). Plus we'd still be on our own all day while he's at work, and we'd have the added problem of being in a foreign country with no doctors or whatever...

Any advice/suggestions people? Or tell me to get over myself and get on with it?

Def go with him.
The French health care system is much better than the UK!
Get a linguapone and learn French if you are going to move there?

Go there for a week as a 'holiday' and have your mum stay for a week. Then you're only on your own for two weeks. Make friends at your antenatal classes and sign up for lots of baby massage classes and the like. Organise a couple of mates to come and stay with you for one of the weekends. Basically, fill the time as much as you can.

HP, I know friends and acquaintances who have done both - husband had to go abroad for work, or they went overseas with a small baby. (Granted, I think they all went to a country they knew, not as a foreigner). France does have a health system and doctors a bit like the NHS, but if you'll need to know French fairly well to find out how everything works, and know a few people there to ask for help. If your mum or any other close relative is around who is able to pop by sometimes to help - then staying in the UK is prob better. A 2 to 4 month old baby keeps you pretty busy anyway, and much of the time you prob won't even notice your DH not there. I had DH away for a few days when DS was that age and actually it's not a big deal at all - until you need some machine fixed or something maybe. (I know it's not the same as a month or two though). And lots of friends have had their DH away for one or two months for work. Sometimes just having a friend or your mum around to entertain the baby if you need to do something timeconsuming - eg hoovering or cleaning the bathroom/kitchen (!!) or whatever - is just good for lightening the stress.

I know some friends' mums who stayed with them for 6 MONTHS even when they had their DHs around!! (that's a luxury, because their mums were v easy going and superhelpful). If you think your mum and you can get on and she is able to stay a whole month or just 2 weeks that could be something that would be nice for you both (once you work out the kinks in the system!) The useful bits for your mum to do might be to help feed the baby in the early evening or late evening (means if you are breastfeeding get baby to start learning to take a bottle of expressed milk at about 3 or 4 weeks once breastfeeding is well established - if formula feeding then of course it's bottles all the way). The one bit you'd prob find hardest is prob not DH being away (unless the home starts falling apart!) but sleep disruption as babies need a lot of frequent feeding, including at night. Some mums will happily do the night feeds, others find it easier to do feeds in the daytime while their daughter takes a necessary nap, and then prepare the meals like lunch and dinner, as you'll need your meals when baby is little, to keep your strength up, more so if you are breastfeeding. And if breastfeeding, I personally would advise buying a pump (handheld or electric) before you deliver and find a clean place to put a steriliser and feeding equipment. Whether or not you express a lot eventually, the pump is useful for relieving engorgement (even if you are going to use formula) and of course if you use bottles of expressed milk you can start practising with it early. (The info in the Avent set is pretty good - I didn't buy the other brands but they are prob ok too)

HP you'll be fine. It seems really daunting when its your first. If I was still pg with ds and asked this question, I would have said no way. Now that he is 4 mo, eh it'll be fine. I imagine boring more than anything. Join a NCT group and go to playgroups, ask your mom to come down for a couple of weeks, invite friends round etc. The time will fly by.

I would consider going over there tho. It may spur you guys on to make the move out there permanently. Plus a baby is a great icebreaker! The only thing that would make me err on the no side is if you don't speak french.

And lots of great mum and baby groups that your health visitor or NCT can put you in touch with - you can make good friends that way, and get some social life plus support. DHs don't even feature in those! What might be helpful is joining a group with a mix of second-/third- time mums and first time mums- mine was a mix and I found it valuable having friends who had "been through it" before with useful tips and advice, as well as first timers to share a laugh with.

go with him. you will be fine. dp was working in a different country when our dd was born... he was back for 2 weeks and then was off again- leaving me with a 2 week old baby... we moved to be with him when dd was 6 weeks old. i didnt speak the language in the country we moved to. I suggest getting out the french language tapes now so you can have some basic convos... and maybe look into a short course while you are there?!

3 month old babies are very portable. i travelled to aus on my own at 3 months- easy as pie.

P.S if your DH is only there for a month, moving over there with a baby may feel a bit disruptive, but certainly consider going there for a short "holiday" if you think you'll both miss DH a lot. I say "holiday" in quotation marks because as all mums who've travelled with under-ones know, it's really quite hard work, and it's only your brain and eyes that get the holiday - the change of scene, the change of people, a diversion. A radical idea but good one might be even to stay in a selfcatering holiday apartment/villa while you are there so that you are not doing any housework, but washing machine, dishwasher, etc will be available (hotels won't have washing machine) and preferably with cafes and restaurants nearby so that you are not cooking - friends who have travelled with a 3 month old like this say it's still a bit of work (you're still getting up at night to feed baby) but at least they are not exhausted with housework, and the break from cooking is nice! Hope you speak French fairly confidently already? And that your property isn't too remote from restaurants and holiday accommodation.

I think going with him would work well - if not for whole month then a 2 week holiday - as others have said, they are very portable at that age & healthcare in France is excellent. Perhaps your mother could come out for a week too, to help you out while you are there?
It is an exciting opportunity. But no need to make up your mind now - plenty of time to think about it. As long as baby has jabs at right times then it could be a lot of fun.

Lateatwork - apparently her DH is away for only a month. He'll be home by the time she's settled in surely? Unless it's as a holiday.....

Get prepared, get your baby a passport as soon as you can, start learning French now (you'll need it as you plan to go there eventually anyway) and decide what to do when your DP leaves. Personally I'd go. DP left me with DD1 when she was 3 months (he was away for a month) and if I could have gone I would. Babies are portable and I bet that once your DP is a father he won't want to miss out on that precious time.

Is it an option to go to stay with your parents for some of the time instead of them coming to you (assuming they have space)? That way you won't be so isolated and the grandparents get a good chance to get to know and make a fuss of the baby (and you!), which might be nice for everyone.

Go with him. As others have said already, it'll not be hard with a 3 month old and if you're family aren't near you in the UK anyway, there's not much reason to stay.

If you think you'd be happier at home though stay here. Ask your Mum to stay for a while if she can, but if she can't for whatever reason try not to be worrying that you'll find it too hard on your own. By 3 months the initial shock to the system of a newborn will have worn off and hopefully you will be out and about making new friends with little ones the same age. Use your days to meet up with people and catch up on sleep and get your DH to fly home for at least 2 of the weekends. It'll be over before you know it.

Haha - whichever country you are in, just make sure there is a washing machine, dishwasher, and as a bonus- tumbledryer. I think your DH may also be thinking this could earn him more money which would benefit the family. I remember my DH suddenly got all concerned with making sure his work was going well with regard to our financial situation (even though there was no need for him to) when DS was born.....I think it's the father's version of the nesting or nurturing instinct maybe. Could be a great adventure for you both and make you stronger as a person :-)

Is your DH sure there is a real job and Andy isn't just talking out of his arse? If it doesn't matter whether he goes in November or January it doesn't sound as there is a definite project for him to work on. If work is slack in the UK in January why would France be any different?

Just to add my experiences into the pile. When my daughter was 6 weeks old my husband went to Dorset (from Yorkshire) for a three week course. DD and I went with him and stayed in a holiday cottage. In the middle of it I drove myself and DD to Devon for a few days to stay with my sister. At the end of the course we went to Kent for a few days before crossing the channel by car on the tunnel and driving up to Denmark stopping the night in Munster. We stayed in Denmark for a couple of weeks before driving back to the UK via Amsterdam this time. And we were only at home a few weeks before heading off to Brittany to stay for a couple of weeks.
I was worried before and people thought we were crazy when they heard our plans! You'd be amazed at how easy it is to travel with a little one.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

My husband went off on a big work-type trip abroad for 5 weeks when my youngest was 6 months old and my oldest was 3. I was slightly shitting myself about it, as much as I tried to have stern words with myself about forces wives and single parents. But it was fine - hectic but fine. I missed him but got into my own routine and actually quite relished having the children to myself. The sense of achievement was immense at the end of each day when they were both tucked up happily in bed and I could relax on the sofa and watch all manner of shite on the telly.

It took a little while to adjust to his homecoming actually, which I felt terribly guilty about at the time! But I'd have no qualms about him going away again, and I think it really helped my relationship with both daughters.

I think you will be fine. Book some Antenatal classes.. you will meet people there so that you have someone to go for pram pushes with. Also.you could invite your mum. Plan to do things during the month so that you are not just sat on your own, worrying.. and if you do get stressed, come on here and moan to us!

A month seems like a long time but with a 3mo to keep you occupied it really isn't.

My DP had to go away to work for 8 weeks when DS was 9 days old, I was bricking it before he went but it was absolutely fine.

Get your mum to come and stay for some of the time if she can, she'll probably be thrilled!