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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want young children at my baby shower?

84 replies

stella1w · 20/04/2011 05:01

I reckon this is my last change in a long time to have a quiet chat with some friends over tea and cakes and focus on ME..
This is no. 2 so I do plenty of playdates with 3yolds and what happens is they run rampant and make a big mess. I am heavily pg and just want a lowkey event.
Andif I am NOT being unreasonable how can I suggest to people they don't bring their children!

OP posts:

tryingtoleave · 20/04/2011 08:23

Do agree that an evening meal or something similar would be best. Then guests will hopefully enjoy themselves rather than just feeling dragged away from their family for an afternoon.

seeker · 20/04/2011 08:30

But don't call it a baby shower. Unless you really are expecting everyone to bring a present, because that's what a baby shower is.

My mother, who died recently at 90, was still talking about her outrage at being invited to a baby shoew and being expected to bring a present in 1948!

That's over 60 years of resentment.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 20/04/2011 08:32

I thought a baby shower was supposed to be organised by someone else, and is only for the first child? You might just find that your problem solves itself because your friends will find this a bit out of order and won't come (and bring you piles more presents).

ChristinedePizan · 20/04/2011 08:36

Yes baby showers are for the first baby, only organised by someone else and are a way of buying things for the new baby to help the new parents with the costs.

Why buy presents for 2nd/3rd/4th babies? Their houses are already stuffed to the gills with abandoned cuddlies, barely worn baby clothes and endless brightly coloured lumps of plastic.

meditrina · 20/04/2011 08:38

If you are being traditional, the showers are to mark the transition to maternity, so only happen the once. Also they are traditionally never hosted by the person being showered (with gifts) so it doesn't look too grabby.

As OP isn't adhering to the traditions, then she can do what she likes. Bubbaluv's suggestion near the top of the thread seems like a good idea for suggested wording.

TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 20/04/2011 08:41

A bit off topic - but why on MN is everyone so resentful and mean about presents? I love presents - both giving and receiving them.

So why the bitchiness about presents?

OrangeBernard · 20/04/2011 08:42

Yanbu as long as its in the evening

TeddyMcardle · 20/04/2011 08:42

It's the expecting presents not the giving them that people don't like. It's so grabby.

NestaFiesta · 20/04/2011 08:43

TheseThings- everyone loves presents but nobody likes it when people ask for, expect or demand them.

ChristinedePizan · 20/04/2011 08:45

I don't have any problem with presents freely given TheseThings but there is a horrible expectation on here sometimes which makes me really queasy.

People complaining that no one brought their second child presents, that their child's christmas present was a bit on the tight side, that MIL only spent £X on their child's birthday etc.

That's what I take issue with - the grabbiness of it all.

exoticfruits · 20/04/2011 08:46

You can't expect people to arrange babysitters at such a difficult time of day. Start at 8pm and there is no problem.

Whatevs · 20/04/2011 08:47

I agree - baby shower for second and subsequent children = OTT.

Francagoestohollywood · 20/04/2011 08:49

YANBU, why not.

TandB · 20/04/2011 08:50

I think YABU. If this is a traditional baby shower then it is arranged by someone else for you and will involve gifts. In those circumstances, you are effectively saying "thanks for doing this nice thing for me but I would like to dictate the terms and still get presents".

If you are arranging it yourself and it is clear that this is a "no gifts, just your presence" or if you are paying for it, then you are well within your rights to say no children but you must be prepared for reduced numbers.

If you are arranging it yourself and everyone else is still expected to bring gifts and/or pay for themselves then YABU.

meditrina · 20/04/2011 08:54

TTAGT: Other posters have beaten me to this, but it's the expectation of presents that I would try to avoid. Shower is short for "shower with gifts", so bringing a present is obligatory. It's one thing for a group of friends to get together to do this for a friend (traditionally at the rite of passage moments of first marriage and first baby), it's quite another to host this yourself as it amounts to saying "gimme".

If the intention behind the party isn't the showering with gifts, then perhaps another name could be found for the do.

Morloth · 20/04/2011 08:59

YANBU but you need to be prepared for people with kids to just not bother coming if they don't have easy childcare.

A baby shower is pretty low down on my priority list so if I didn't have free childcare to hand then I wouldn't go.

They are nice, and I went to one just this weekend but it isn't the same as a 'formal' event like a wedding where I would really want to be there.

So as long as you are not going to be annoyed at possible low attendance it is fine to say no kids.

lesley33 · 20/04/2011 09:11

I like buying others presents. But like lots of people atm money is tight. So the expectation that I will buy presents for others is an added pressure when money for the bills is tight.

seeker · 20/04/2011 09:18

I love buying presents, making presents, wrapping presents, giving presents, getting presents......

But a baby shower's ONLY purpose is to get presents. As others have said - it should be orgaized by a girlfriend for you - you can't host one yourself!

You can, obviously, invite your friends round to drink tea and eat cake and talk. - just don;t call it a baby shower. Which is actually what I think the OP meant.

Have it in the evening, OP - during the day is a very hard time to come to a child free event.

Sassybeast · 20/04/2011 09:18

Well surely you can ask the person who is organising it to speak to the guests about it being an adult only event ? Because, it's not like anyone would be quite so vulgar as to organise a baby shower for themselves ? Hand over responsibility to the organiser - problem solved.

seeker · 20/04/2011 09:20

Or - and this is inspired! Have it on Sunday afternoon, and get the dads to take the kids to the park. ~Enought dads will be able to make it to be able to take all the children.

[smug, problem solved emoticon]

TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 20/04/2011 09:45

Sassybeast - that was really mean

jojane · 20/04/2011 09:58

Why is everyone being so mean? My group of friends have been having baby showers this time round (2nd or 3rd babies) we would all get the person presents anyway and we do it in the evening so the menfolk can baby sit, order a takeaway and play games like taste the baby food, guess the price of nipple pads etc
Its just a reason to get together without kids and have a glass of wine and a laugh and make the heavily pregnant womanb feel special - let's face it with 2nd pregnancies no one pampers the mum to be or gets as excited as with a first baby.

lesley33 · 20/04/2011 10:09

jojane - It sounds lovely all your friends meeting up to do this. But it does sound as if you and your friends are reasonably well off and so you can just see this type of event as an excuse to get together and have a good time. Many many families are struggling financially at the moment and would just see an event like this as an added financial pressure.

So if your friends are reasonably well off then its fine. If not, then its really not fair.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 20/04/2011 10:15

I don't think anyone's really lived until they've played Guess The Price Of Nipple Pads

sunnydelight · 20/04/2011 10:23

YANBU to want it child free but YABU if it's during the day and you are inviting people who don't have free, easy childcare. I think expecting people to pay for a babysitter to come bring you a present is a bit tacky tbh. If your friends can do it easily then it's no biggie, enjoy.

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