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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give DC3 the same middle name as FILs first name

34 replies

myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear · 19/04/2011 23:14

Hi

Please bear with me while I explain. Hopefully it wont be too long. Please read all this post to give me chance to explain why Im not sure about using it.

FIL passed away in Jan 09. I am currently PG with DC3 (already have DS and a SS). I dont know if current PG will result in a boy or a girl (Im 18 weeks). Anyway MIL has asked DH if its a boy can we give the middle name same as the first name of FIL.

This isnt what bothers me as it could be a nice thoughtfull thing to do, the thing is my DSis passed away in 2002 aged 18. Ive not used her name in any way for my children. I wouldnt feel right to use someone elses and not hers, and how would I tell my mum that Ive honoured FIL's name but not my sisters? Obviously my mum has never got over one of her children passing (as you wouldnt) and I would think she would find this very hard.

FIL's name is not one that has been passed down (otherwise we would have already given it to DS) so its not that.

WWYD. I havent said I wont, but ATM I dont really want to. Me and DH have already settled on a boys full name.

I know its only a middle name which isnt itself such a huge deal. Im just not sure I want to carry it on when I havent used my sisters name.

Thanks

OP posts:
RCToday · 19/04/2011 23:18

YANBU, not sure how you put it to your MIL though

Maybe just be blunt and say you have names picked out already

Sorry for the loss of your sister, it must be very hard

reelingintheyears · 19/04/2011 23:19

How would you have used your sisters name in your DSs names?

Would it really upset your Mum if you and your DH used his Dads name as a middle name.

Surely if you have a DD you can use your DSis name as a middle name.

Original poster
myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear · 19/04/2011 23:20

I would tell MIL the truth. That I dont want to use it as Ive not used Dsis name for anything. Its only fair.

She might sulk for a bit, but wouldnt hold it against me or DH and would still love DC3 as much as the other 2.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/04/2011 23:21

You could give your child both names, if it is something you want to do to make everyone happy.. obviously one would have to be the masculine or feminine version of the original name if that is possible.

My stepson has his dads first name as middle name, and also my husbands late brothers name as a second middle name. (Husbands brother died aged 18).

But ultimately, it is your baby, and entirely you and your husbands choice as to names.

Original poster
myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear · 19/04/2011 23:21

You wouldnt think I read my OP before posting it would you Hmm

I meant Ive got a DS and a DD (not SS)

OP posts:
millie30 · 19/04/2011 23:22

YANBU. I don't think anyone should ask or expect someone else to give their child a certain name.

Original poster
myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear · 19/04/2011 23:23

Anyway off to bed now, will look at responses in the morning.

Thanks all

OP posts:
MrsBananaGrabber · 19/04/2011 23:24

Does your DH have a say? What is his opinion. I don't see the problem myself, you could explain that MIL has asked, i'm sure your mum would understand.

Is it a nice name? My DH's middle name and his dads name is Cyril, there was no way I was keping that one going.

Bohica · 19/04/2011 23:24

If your baby is a girl you can use DSis & if it's a boy you use FIL?

Only use it if you are completly comfortable with it, I was badged into using a middle name that I truly dislike & so wish I had stood up for myself & not named poor DD2 with such a flowery middle name Sad

Vallhala · 19/04/2011 23:24

It's entirely down to you and DH, isn't it? I'd be inclined to just smile and tell MIL that as you don't know baby's gender you're considering many options.

WRT your late DSis, would it be a thought to use your (and presumably therefore her) maiden surname as a middle name for your baby as a way of honouring her if your baby is a boy?

That way you can remember your darling sister and not be put in a difficult position with MIL.

Whatever you do, this is YOUR baby and YOUR choice. MIL might LIKE you to remember FIL and although it's a nice thought (DD1's second name is that of my late Nanny so you can see that I;m not adverse to honouring lost loved ones), you shouldn't feel obligated.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope that your new baby brings you all comfort and hope for a happy future.

dealer · 20/04/2011 08:01

We picked the name Georgina for a middle name for dd1. MIL then came to me saying how touched she was that we were honouring her mother. I had no idea (nor dh) that was her name since she was always known as Jean.
Then MIL said that if we were honouring family members she'd rather we named her after FIL's deceased sister who he'd been thinking about a lot lately. Unfortunately her name was Anne, which we didn't like at all.

So in the end changed to Jacquelyn, which I suspect annoyed everyone, but I really didn't want to get into the ballpark of honouring some people and not others.

tryingtoleave · 20/04/2011 08:16

I was in the exact same situation as you - having lost a sister and under pressure from in laws to name children after their family. I just said no, we are giving our children a fresh start.

owlmaster · 20/04/2011 08:22

YANBU. Go with your instinct. I know some people are saying it's not a big deal but where does this end, should one of your children follow in FIL's footsteps in general, having the same hobbies / musical tastes / occupation? Your MIL is bereaved, sympathy there, but life goes on and people can remember him whether or not his name is passed on.

I'm in a similar position - loss of a sibling - nobody has suggested passing the name on and it's not something I want to do. As an aside though, I was reading some stuff on child development and there's research showing a detrimental affect on children if they know they were named after someone else. Either living or deceased. It can negatively affect their own sense of self.

purpleknittingmum · 20/04/2011 08:25

I am with tryingtoleve and dealer, when we were choosing names for our daughter, she was going to be named after no-one alive or dead by first name or middle name.

I did perhaps go bit far as I also didn't want her to have the same initials as me, husband, my parents or inlaws!

frakyouveryverymuch · 20/04/2011 08:41

Families are a minefield, aren't they?

I don't want DC named after someone living although a boy will have DH's middle name and a girl will have mine. However when it comes to the deceased it gets a bit awkward because the name we both like for a boy happens to be my grandfather's (never used) first name, and what was our favourite name for a girl is the middle name for both my MIL and my DSis. Then DH's grandmother got ill and DH wanted to use a version of her name as an option with the ones we have lined up, except I hate the name and there are too many variants on it in the family already in both male and female form. We've avoided using DH's brother's name (who died as a baby) and my deceased DTs name because, as you say, the loss of a child isn't something you get over and although it would be a nice thing to do it might be very hard and neither of us really want to bring up the subject with our respective mothers...

Do you know how you mother feels/would feel about you incorporating your DSis's name? I can understand that you would feel the need to balance the honours to both sides of the family but if it would cause grief/upset then perhaps the most sensitive thing is not to use either.

I think what I'm trying to say is if you like the name(s) and would have otherwise considered it (them) then maybe you could revise your choice to honour your FIL and DSis if your mother is okay with it. If she's not then just gently explain to your MIL that whilst you have nothing against the name/honouring your FIL you'll hope she understands that you want to do the same by your DSis but your mother would find it too difficult and therefore you think the best solution is neither. She can't really argue with that.

Of course if you love the name picked out already then stick with it and don't feel guilty.

bubblecoral · 20/04/2011 08:41

What does your dh want to do? It's his descision too. And probably not worth worrying about too much until you know if you are having a boy or a girl.

Lots of people pass down names from parents, it's a nice thing to do. It's more unusual to pass on names from siblings or Aunts, although obviously this situation is different because of the sad loss of your sister, but I don't really think the two things are the same.

SocialButterfly · 20/04/2011 08:44

We were expected to use Dh's nans name when our DD was born, we just didnt discuss it and then chose something else - by the time we told everyone she had been registered and it was too late.

We chose the cowards way out but it worked for us and in the end Dh's sister had another baby and use the name and was bathed in glory for doing so!

Choose the name you want!

TandB · 20/04/2011 09:02

Presumably your sister's name is a girl's name and your FIL's name is a boy's name. So your MIL couldn't expect you to use your FIL's name on a girl and your mum couldn't expect you to use your sister's name on a boy.

LindyHemming · 20/04/2011 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tryingtoleave · 20/04/2011 09:15

I don't know if the op feels the same but I didn't want to use my sister'sname partly because there was so much grief attached to it and partly because I felt it was unlucky (she had been named after a relative who also died young). At the same time, I irrationally didn't want to use any one else's name because it felt disrespectful to her. So it wasn't as simple as honoring everyone.

TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 20/04/2011 09:18

what jkungfupanda said.

I think its nice to pass names down in a family - lovely way of connected the next generation with the last one.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 20/04/2011 09:31

My MIL keeps saying how happy she is that we have chosen family names for our DD and DS. She has even told other relatives that we've done this. In fact we didn't we just picked names that we liked. They are both quite traditional names and MIL has trawled back through the family tree at least 5 generations to point to someone who had the name before. It actually makes me sad as if to say we are so unoriginal. Even with my name, which is probably the most popular women's name throughout history although a bit out of fashion at the moment, she trawled back through the family tree just to say I wasn't the first with my name after DH and I married. I think she thinks its nice, like a link to the past, but like some others have said I wanted to feel like we were having a fresh start unencumbered by family names.

IMO YANBU. You shouldn't feel pressured into honouring FIL in this way and I can understand why you feel uncomfortable doing so given you didn't do the same for you DSis

PlopPlopPing · 20/04/2011 09:34

Are you going to find out the sex? It would give you a bit of time to think.

DartsRus · 20/04/2011 12:23

In our family we seem to have an unwritten policy of not using any names that have been used within the last 3 generations. We all (inc cousins) try to use names that aren't already in use, as it were, particularly as we are always meeting and talking about each other and tend to use first names only. It avoids confusion.

ajourneyofgiraffes · 20/04/2011 12:42

I didn't give DS my late father's name, as I didn't like his name (and I don't think Dad would have wanted me too either). I did give DS my maiden name as his middle name, not hyphenated. It was a nod to my family so to speak. If your children have your DH's surname then tell your MIL that they are all named after their father and late grandfather.