to not want to give DC3 the same middle name as FILs first name

[myhouseWILLbecleanthisyear]

Hi

Please bear with me while I explain. Hopefully it wont be too long. Please read all this post to give me chance to explain why Im not sure about using it.

FIL passed away in Jan 09. I am currently PG with DC3 (already have DS and a SS). I dont know if current PG will result in a boy or a girl (Im 18 weeks). Anyway MIL has asked DH if its a boy can we give the middle name same as the first name of FIL.

This isnt what bothers me as it could be a nice thoughtfull thing to do, the thing is my DSis passed away in 2002 aged 18. Ive not used her name in any way for my children. I wouldnt feel right to use someone elses and not hers, and how would I tell my mum that Ive honoured FIL's name but not my sisters? Obviously my mum has never got over one of her children passing (as you wouldnt) and I would think she would find this very hard.

FIL's name is not one that has been passed down (otherwise we would have already given it to DS) so its not that.

WWYD. I havent said I wont, but ATM I dont really want to. Me and DH have already settled on a boys full name.

I know its only a middle name which isnt itself such a huge deal. Im just not sure I want to carry it on when I havent used my sisters name.

Thanks

My DC all have family names as middle names - but it was our choice. If anyone demanded suggested a name we should use, we crossed it off.

Not helpful but don't think it is right for a MIL (or anyone) to ask/suggest such a personal thing.

I agree with Champersonice - I'm amazed your MIL even asked?! It's your and your DH's decision and no one elses. YANBU.

As you have other children of both sex there are good ways to say no.

'No, we don't want to use family names - we didn't for DS1, and we didn't use e.g. my sister's name for DD. We want to stick with this and not make differences between the children.'

Said firmly and not up for discussion again, preferably by DH but when you are all together. The fact that you have a girl and did not use your sister's name should really close the matter entirely, if MIL has any tact at all. It is a very personal thing - borderline ok for your MIL to ask, if you are a close family and she is grieving - but to be honest, not something that should ever be suggested really. If you don't want to, you definitely shouldn't. You'll regret it if you do and resent MIL for it. Not worth it!

Thanks all for your replies. Its interesting to see the viewpoints of others.

Last night when DH told me what MIL had said my first reaction was that we already had a boys name sorted. He agreed with that. He hasnt given any indication if he wants to use FIL's name or not. He just mentioned that she had suggested that, not really in a way to suggest we should.

Im feeling less guilty now so will go along with what we have planned. We are going to find out the sex on 4th May when I have my scan (all being well) as Im fed up of saying baby or it, I want to use the name we have chosen.

ajourneyofgiraffes you are right they are already named after FIL as its the same surname.

My mum suggested with DC1 that we should possibly use her maiden name as name for him (only if he was a boy, wouldnt work for a girl) and was upset when I got married that he wouldnt have the same surname as my maiden name (she was even more upset when I said I was always going to us DH's surname whether we were married or not) so I think she would have liked me to have had some sort of connection.

To be honest I think part of the reason why I dont want to use it is because someone else has suggested it. Makes me more determined not to.

I was just seeing if anyone on here could give me a really good reason as to why I should consider it, but as nothing has persuaded me. I will stick to the original names me and DH have chosen. Then again it could be a girl and problem solved :)

Thanks again

Why not decide on the name that you (and DH) like, but don't tell anyone. When suggestions are made, just say that you will think them all over. Then when the baby is born, say 'as soon as we saw him/her, we knew he/she was a [insert chosen name]. With luck everyone will be distracted by the baby anyway and will get used to the name you like. It's your decision after all. We had some crazy suggestions - just smiled and said we would consider them (and then took no notice).

'To be honest I think part of the reason why I dont want to use it is because someone else has suggested it. Makes me more determined not to.'

I would be exactly the same, and I think it is a very valid feeling. You are in the nicest possible way making it quite clear what decisions are within the family realm, and which are for you and your DH only. Your child's name is most definitely one of the latter. It's an unspoken, but subtle bit of boundary setting. I wouldn't want anyone else having had any say in naming my child unless I had invited them to. Clearly you felt the same way about your mum attempting to put her preferences forward, so it isn't a case of favouritism.

Good luck with your pregnancy and birth!

The fact that she asked would put me off tbh-because even if it was something that I was thinking of, then she would perhaps always be thinking that you did it for her.
(That might not be a consideration for you, of course)

I´m not sure that the fact that you didn´t use your sister´s name is relevant though as surely that was your choice not to.

Unless your daughter was born before, of course.

So, again, your choice.

My son has the same middle name as his father & paternal GF-only because we I like it though

Glad I read your update before I posted!

I can see your reasoning. I can also see your MIL's pov. As it happens, we have a tradition of using family names as middle names in our family - DH wanted to honour his Dad (deceased) but I couldn't bear to use the name John, so we used his Dad's middle name for DS's middle name. If we have a girl at all, I would probably give her my middle name as a middle name, it was also my mum's middle name and her gran's middle name. Another son and I might inflict my Dad's name on him (but I'm not keen on it so probably wouldn't! We've already honoured Dad by giving DS his surname as a second middle name)

In the end, if you and your DH are not comfortable with doing what MIL asks, then don't do it. I expect she will understand, given the situation with your sister.