Do I owe them anything? Long, sorry.

[DontOutMeIfYouKnowMe]

Namechanged because someone might be on here. Please don't out me if you think you know me. Sorry it's long and rambly, I'm just not sure it'll make any sense without background.

A few years back, before I got together with my now DH, he was absolutely skint and, because he was waiting for a work permit, couldn't legally get a job. Some friends of his who rented a house had a small spare room and kindly offered to let him stay with them rent-free. It was incredibly kind as they knew full well he might be months before the work permit came though.

About two months in, I came to live near them. I was in a right state as my nasty ex had just left me high and dry and I'd moved to a new city where I knew nobody. A mutual friend put me in touch with the household as they were nice people. Their approach was to ply me with lots of alcohol and tell me that they had open relationships which were vastly superior to the kind of monogamous relationship I'd just come out of - again, they were being very kind, albeit slightly odd. I slept with a couple of the guys, decided the open relationship think was, to put it politely, a crock of shite, and got on with my life. My now-DH (emphatically not into the open relationships!) took me out for coffee and we got together a month or two later.

About 6 months into our relationship I was getting the feeling that this household weren't very keen on me being around when I came to see then-DH, and I put it down to them being a bit strange about us having got together. I asked one of them and he said he actually had been wanting my boyfriend to move out for a while, but hadn't liked to say anything. I was a bit mortified on my boyfriend's behalf as I felt he'd overstayed his welcome and I felt he should have realized that it was a very long time to stay with friends. One of the other house members then insisted he was still welcome as long as he liked, but I was moving myself and DH and I decided to move in together.

Still with me? Sorry!

After a couple of years DH and I got married, invited the household. One of them said he 'felt weird' about seeing me and wouldn't come (he is a bit of a strange guy). The other two rang us on the morning of the wedding to drop out.

I don't personally feel I owe these people anything. I think, as it happens, that they are quite fucked up and unhappy, and don't like seeing me and DH being happy. However, I've now heard that they have been saying that I owe them for putting up DH and that it was 'rude' of me not to move in with him the first week we got together. I should point out I was a student living in digs for the first 6 months of DH's and my relationship, so this wasn't remotely an option, even if we had been stupid enough to move in together on the strength of a one-week relationship.

Should I ask DH to offer them some very belated rent money? DH has debts into the thousands but we (read I) could afford to pay something if they wanted - I just feel they've taken a kind gesture and then been really rude because things didn't turn out as they expected. I'm really confused as to what my responsibilities are here.

bubblecoral got it exactly right. You owe them nothing, your DH owes them a favour.

I think offering money might be tough, both b/c you don't have it and I reckon any amount you offer will be queried and discussed and argued about by the household (not enough? too little too late?). Maybe he could go to them and say, hey, I'm now in a position where I could help you out with your house, thanks for being so kind, can I paint/do some DIY/buy a new sofa, etc, as a thank you.

They were kind to HIM, they are friends with HIM, let your DH sort out his obligations.

I've explained why I give a shit, porca, and I've also explained they're my DH's friends. If it was just up to me I'd have told them long ago to piss off with their smugness about their lifestyle and stop hinting that we owe them, and after I'd done that I doubt there'd be any more gossiping about it, since I suspect the purpose of the gossip is to make us feel a bit guilty and beholden.

I am thinking that sitting down with DH and saying 'look, it's not just me, I know you like them and so does FriendsName, but I think they're playing silly buggers' is something I need to do this evening, but I wasn't sure of that at the start of the thread as I thought some people might say we were beholden to them for the money, and I thought someone might think I was harsh to judge them for their lifestyle, which is part of the reason I'm not mad keen on them.

Why didn't your DH ever offer to pay them anything?No such thing as free lunch as they say...

Thanks Madam, that makes sense.

Jimmy - he had no money, I said that in the OP. He couldn't get a job. He was going to go home to his country but they offered to let him stay. He did repeatedly ask if they were sure and while he was living there he did his best to help out and so on - they said they didn't want his money.

What would you have done?

Careful, I did know that this thread might be uncomfortable reading for some. But ... it was illegal for you and your DH to have a sexual relationship at that age, wasn't it?

Show me where I said that.

Eh? You're quoting me there, not yourself, careful. What are you asking?

I said that it was illegal for you and your DH to have a sexual relationship at ages 15 and 22. Unless you were somewhere other than the UK, this is true: it's not legal for a 22 year old to have sex with a 15 year old. That's presumably why Dittany said it was illegal.

What's the problem?

OP, does your DH came from a culture where hospitality is more generous than in the UK (i.e. having guests staying for extended periods is the norm)? I just wondered that he didn't view his living arrangement as, well, a little odd. It would explain to me his acceptance of such an offer and his regarding this household as friends still.

As everyone else has said, you owe these people no money at all. And the rumours they started do point to knowing their set-up is rather sad and pathetic.

Do you ever come across these people in your small town? Would you feel able to do a smiling "X-tells-me-you-think-I-owe-you-money-what's-that-all-about" attack? People who backstab are rarely up to a frontal assault, imo.

What's the problem?

I meant to quote you. I said "Show me where I said that, ie that we had a sexual relationship at 15".

As for the people under discussion, all you said was that they "got together" when she was 15. We don't know if it was sexual, only they know that. People should stop making judgements about matters on which they are ill-informed.

WhereYou - I'm not sure I know enough about his culture to tell. It's possible, but not something I'd noticed before. I know he did find it an odd living arrangement, though - it was just difficult for him as he was skint to begin with, couldn't get a job, and basically ended up relying on his parents sending him what they could while he badgered the visa people to get their fingers out. I don't think he enjoyed it or thought it was normal.

I guess I could do what you say next time I saw these people - could be a month or two though, I couldn't say. I run into them in the shops every now and again.

Careful, they had a sexual relationship when she was 15. I'm sorry I used terminology you found ambiguous, but I thought it was obvious when I didn't correct Dittany, that she'd made the correct assumption.

If you want to start a thread about your own relationship when you were 15 feel free, but if you weren't having a sexual relationship, I don't really see how it's relevant to this thread?

Yes, I feel a lot more clear about it now dittany, thanks.

They sound like whinging losers to be honest. You certainly don't owe them anything. It is the height of rudeness to offer someone a free place to stay then later decide it shouldn't have been free after all, going on to hint and nag about the issue.

Time has passed. They need to get over it.

the choice is yours. I like your choice of screen name

But this is madness!

Your husband has debts - he needs to sort them out before he gives money away to people who said he could stay with them for a while.

There always comes a point when you let someone stay where you regret it - it's human nature. It wouldn't matter whether they were being paid or not. He took up with you, and you, having slept with them, didn't want to go back for more, so they were fed up of you.

You have nothing to do with this rent. Did he actually say he'd pay them back when he was working? He might have said that in the first week or so - if so he should pay something (note he, not you) - it's the sort of thing someone would say. However, no figure was agreed, presumably, so how much would they want?

If this wasn't a room that was normally rented and they let him stay there, then that's the end of it. They were kind to him and I'm sure he appreciated it. You have nothing to do with all that.

If I were you, I'd phone them and say that X had told you that you (personally) owed them money. Say you're ringing to clear matters up. And then come back on here and tell us what they said!

you own these nutters nothing stay the hell away from the lot of them they are freaks

He was offered a room rent free, you owe them nothing.

If they feel now that his circumstances have changed he should offer something in way of payment for the time he spent there they should come out and ask for it.

It is not for you to deal with but your husband.

How has he accrued debts with no income? The debt is your husbands if there is one, not yours.

Unless of course you keep him.

under no circs should you give them any money. they should have dealt with it at the time.

they've behaved appallingly. i'm at a loss as to why your dh is still friends.

Thanks all, I'm getting the picture!

atswim - no, he didn't offer to pay them back when he was working, he told them he had debts.

fabby - I'm a bit confused by your post. Debts are much easier to run up if you don't have income! His debts are for 3 years at university (overseas fees). Then he wanted to get a visa so he could work there, and it's much cheaper to do that while you're still in the country, but he wasn't allowed to work or earn money until it came through. I don't 'keep' him in the 'kept woman' sense - though if I were the only earner I'm not sure why it would matter? - but I did earn more than him for most of the time we've been going out. He's just recently overtaken me (obviously he pays more tax). The debt is his/ours/whoevers as we're married and so share money, but we both have student debt in any case.

warthog - to be honest, me too! Getting the reactions on this thread, especially dittany's and a coupel of others, did make me see them in a rather different light, actually. I