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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is quite rude?

36 replies

PossetFeatures · 19/04/2011 11:06

Not sure if IABU to think the following is a bit rude, but either way i'm quite pissed off!

DS is 11 weeks. Quite good friend of mine hasn't seen him yet, but works nearby, so probably we should've arranged to meet sooner. Friend texts last week to say she'd really like to come over and meet him/catch up with me after work. She says she's free on Tuesday (today), and as that's the only day she's free, I reschedule a visit from a family member, explaining that friend hasn't seen DS yet, and would she mind visiting another day, giving plenty of notice. Family member is fine with this (crucial to this story is that I gave family member plenty of notice, before anyone picks up on this!)

Friend has just text this morning to say that she is going to a pub for dinner after work today with work friends (I was going to cook for us), and can I bring DS there instead? I say no, as I normally start feeding DS about 6, and then put him down to bed by 7. She texts back and says "oh never mind, we'll arrange to meet another time". I text and say "Ok, let me know when you are next free, but next time can you give me more notice please when changing plans, as now having DS, planning social life is a bit more of a tricky operation?" (or something to that effect). Friend texts back "oh sorry hun"- and that's it.

AIBU to think that:

  1. It's rude to basically sack off someone because a better offer has come along, especially when the visit serves a purpose i.e. seeing DS for the first time. I'm not completely inflexible, and yes, things do crop up where you can't make it, but to blatantly say you're off to the pub instead is a bit 'off'?
  1. People seem to do this a lot these days (not just me, other friends comment that other people they know quite happily cancel/change plans at the last minute without seeming to care that the other person might have really had to schedule them in?)

I should probably get over it (and I will!), but it just makes me a bit, I don't know... meh

Would like opinions- will be back in a bit as popping out now

OP posts:
nethunsreject · 19/04/2011 11:09
  1. Yanbu. That is bloody rude! I'd be fumng.
  1. Haven't noticed. Don't see it myself. But I have a small group of very good friends. Can't be bothered with acqaintances.
Bananamash · 19/04/2011 11:10

YANBU.

Bit rude to be honest if she was just off to the pub.

GypsyMoth · 19/04/2011 11:10

she called you 'HUN'.......she ibu!!!!

stillstanding · 19/04/2011 11:12

YANBU - this is rude, no question.

But you must brace yourself for this kind of thing from your childless friends ... you have crossed the line and the ones left behind have absolutely no idea about the way things work for you now. The fact that she wanted you to bring the babe to the pub is a clear sign that your friend is living on a different planet (figuratively speaking anyway!)!

bubblecoral · 19/04/2011 11:12

I think it's a bit rude, but your friend probably has no idea what having a baby is like and thinks that you sit around at home all day every day waiting for visitors so she could come anytime.

wolfhound · 19/04/2011 11:13

Very rude friend, with no idea about babies! I wouldn't put yourself out for her next time, and if it takes a long time for her to eventually see DS, so be it.

ihatecbeebies · 19/04/2011 11:13

My friends do this too sometimes, I think it is rude and it really annoys me as well, the worst is when they've made plans with you and you phone/text to confirm that day and then you get no reply rather than just telling you they can't make it!

Jaydles · 19/04/2011 11:16

YANBU she is. If your ds is 11 weeks and she is a good friend then she should have seen him by now and should be excited about coming to visit. I also don't think that not having children is a good excuse for being rude. I was the first of my group of friends to have children by about 3 years and I never experienced them being this rude. In fact they were the opposite they would ask me first to make sure my ds could fit in with our plans. My mum however does think that I sit at home all day waiting for her to invite me to visit!

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 19/04/2011 11:17

YANBu but to be fair to your friend, if she doesn't have kids she probably has no idea about routines etc, especially for an 11 week old.

Next time don't cancel something for her. If she doesn't have kids, therefore is free with plenty of time on her hands after work then she could make a bit more of an effort.

I would text her suggesting another Tuesday and then leave it to her to make the next move.

ExitPursuedByALamb · 19/04/2011 11:19

Very rude.

I also agree that this happens quite a lot - particularly with my DD (11). If a better offer comes along her 'friends' quite happily cancel, or make a point of saying that they could have cancelled but didn't.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 19/04/2011 11:19

YANBU but she won't have a clue about how complicated life is with a newborn....how you have to juggle and arrange and forward plan. Very rude!¬

CalamityKate · 19/04/2011 11:22

Incredibly rude:

To change plans and expect you to fit round her;
To change plans at the last minute;
To NOT say, when you said you couldn't make it to the pub "Oh, fair enough, we'll stick with plan A and I'll come to you as previously arranged then".

Mumwithadragontattoo · 19/04/2011 11:27

She is being rude. But I'm not sure why you couldn't meet with your friend at the pub assuming it is quite close to you and fairly family friendly. An 11 week old isn't going to care about his 7pm bedtime and will probably sleep in his pram after you've fed him. They are really portable at that age. Don't get tied down into such a strict routine now - there'll be plenty of time for strict bed times in future.

WalterFlipschicks · 19/04/2011 11:28

Very rude, but agree with above poster, this happens with childless friends, one of my closests friends from before children, is a total pita with letting me down, she thinks I have all the time in the world and am just sat around waiting for her to fit me in!! grrr

YANBU

stillstanding · 19/04/2011 11:29

Why would you possibly want to take a baby to a pub at 7pm? Are you even allowed to do that??

KatieWatie · 19/04/2011 11:32

YANBU that's rude

But re: your point 2, yes it happens to me all the time. I always thought it was just me who was too 'doormatlike' so it's good (if depressing) to know it's not just me.

Collaborate · 19/04/2011 11:34

Routines or not, she is bang out of order. If going to the pub is a better offer, what's the point of arranging anything with her again?

DirtyMart1ni · 19/04/2011 11:44

"I'm not sure why you couldn't meet with your friend at the pub" Really, mumwithadragontatoo? Surely there are loads of reasons why not. Not everyone enjoys pubs. Lots of women with 11 week old babies would, I think, find it awkward and uncomfortable to do this, especially if it was to join a group of their friend's random work colleagues. I don't find most pubs appealing to start with and wouldn't have even considered taking either of my babies out to one, around the end of a long day, at 11 weeks of age. What a farking hassle.

It's beside the point anyway because even if she could do it, why should she chuck her plans to cook and entertain a visitor (presumably having shopped for this) and instead, change her day around to suit the other person with no notice?

OP: I can see you are already moving on but I think you were right to be Hmm. Maybe when your friend grows a sense of consideration and/or empathy you can start hanging out again...

maswera · 19/04/2011 12:10

She is definitely being rude by binning you for a better offer. However, you might want to think about how you will maintain friendships with childless friends... Not everyone's world will revolve around your newborn, so if you do want to keep contact with them some compromise will be needed. Young babies are great for being portable and lots of places are happy for you to bring them along - although some pubs to have a 'till 7pm' or similar rule. We have carted our 17 week DS around to loads of pubs & restaurants while we still can - it's great :)

EldritchCleavage · 19/04/2011 12:24

Well, hang on, I didn't do this to friends when I was childless, and my still childless friends don't do it to me. I don't accept that excuse. A commitment to meet should be honoured, not just dumped in favour of another idea.

Original poster
PossetFeatures · 19/04/2011 16:53

I'm back! Thanks for your opinions, glad others think she is being rude! I'm not bothered about taking DS into pubs normally (in fact in his 11 weeks he's been into quite a few for lunches whilst I meet friends!) However the pub friend is going to isn't child friendly after 7pm, so we's have to sit outside which is fine now as hot but will get cold later, and DS will sleep in pram at 7pm after feed, but he didn't sleep well last night and don't want the ball ache tbh of having to wake him and put in car seat, get out of car seat, strip off and put to bed. If was at someone's house or special occasion then I'd take him, but don't see why I should have to change plans and disrupt DSs sleep unnecessarily :-( I guess it's hard when most of your mates don't have babies yet- however lots that don't really make an effort to accomodate us, same way that I don't expect them to talk babies/love DS like I do. I'm lucky that because DS is FF now, I've actually been able to go on several evening out with friends with DP staying at home with him, so do make a big effort with childless friends- I have to otherwise I'd have no friends probably!

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 19/04/2011 16:59

I think she didn't think it thorugh properly, but when you don't have kids it's easily done and you can't expect her to think through all the implications if she dosn't have kids herself

Another time don't cancel your plans for her in the first place, just make a plan that suits you both

Insomnia11 · 19/04/2011 17:09

YANBU. I think it's unreasonable of her to change her plans. She sounds a bit self-centred, I woudn't mess around with plans like this whether or not they had a small baby, and I wouldn't have before I had kids myself either.

Once you have made plans with someone you turn up unless there is a bloody good reason not to in my book. And arranging to go to the pub with other friends is NOT a good reason to cancel on someone. It says to me "I'd rather be with other friends than be with you".

vmcd28 · 19/04/2011 17:54

Not having kids is completely irrelevant, given that she was downright rude and self-centered.
She should have come to visit you and your baby at least 8 weeks ago, if she's quite a good friend!

MaisyMooCow · 19/04/2011 18:30

Sounds like a fairweather friend to me. Bloody rude! :)