To ask - do you feel the same about your stepkids as your DCs?

[whatever17]

My step-daughter is 24 now. I don't know the acronym for step-daughter - DSD?

Anyway - I was with DSD's Dad for about 5 years before me and her Dad, ex-DH, had DS2.

Therefore, I have a DS1 of my own, he had DSD and we had DS2 together. So, I had been with ex-DH about 5 years before I even met DSD, as he had not had a relationship with her since splitting with her mum when she was 2. She came to live with us when she was 12 after her mum left her with her step-dad. My own DS1 was 9 at the time and I was 3 weeks off giving birth to DS2.

Ex-DH left when DS2 was nearly 2 and left her with me. I felt really at sea as I hadn't even known her till she was 12 and spoke to her school saying that we had had upheaval and to please contact me if she was being naughty cos she was probably just feeling scared. I was really shocked when they asked if I was her mum and was I "Mrs So and So" I said, "No, I'm her stepmum - my name is Mrs This and That".

They said she had always referred to me as her Mum and told them how kind I was. Until that point I had kind of been "baby-sitting" and half thinking - "this isn't even my kid".

I felt I had to split the post - I hate long posts.

Then I realised how invested she was in me and my kids - since her Dad (my ex-DH) and her mum had also buggered off.

I spoke to SS to clarify the legal - and child benefit etc situation, as DS2 was still a baby.

They said that she could stay with me if that suited me and DSD and my other kids as I was legally her step-parent.

She was 14 by this stage and I sat her down and said "you've had a crap hand dealt to you in the parent department, it's got nothing to do with you, they are both just selfish".

When I told DS1 (who is now 20) that I had said this to her he was outraged at me. But I felt she needed to know that it had nowt to do with her.

Anyway, I do love her, but it still kind of weirds me when she refers to me as her Mum. To my face she uses my first name. I would hope when she has kids that they call me Granny.

Then you were obviously doing a very very good job with her, for her to feel that you are her mum, and not just 'yourname'.

Poor sod's had a horrible life, relationship-wise, and you seem to be the most constant person in it. She's been dumped by BOTH biological parents, and left with their non-related partners. No wonder really that she, aged 14, had pegged you as the most reliable person in her world, and decided that you should be her mum.

Look at from her point of view - the only two people in the world who had a legal obligation to take care of her completely failed to do so. You, who have NO legal obligation to her at all, stepped up for her in a way that neither of her parents did. You are more deserving of the title of Mum. And you were right, IMHO, to tell her that her paren'ts are selfish dickheads.

I don't think personally I could ever llove dss as much as I love my dd in fact I don't think I could love anyone as much as I love her!
Are you asking because it bothers you that you don't love her as much?
I bet you love her more than you think, you've done a great thing bringing her up through her teenage years and I think its lovely that she's had you in her life :)

Hi, I think you can have a very strong bond with step children,

I moved in with my dad and stepmum at 15. Stepmum was 27. It wasnt easy as i was growing up, but her and her family really took me in and from day 1 made me part of the family. I was a troubled teen and really tested my stepmum. But she never gave up onme like my real mum did.

as i have grown up our relationship is stronger than mine and my dads and even more stronger than with my mother.

As long as your always there for her. your relationship will grow. she needs to know someone will always stick around.
Im 27 now, and not sure if i can take in a 15 year old like my stepmum. i have so much respect for women like you two.

I don't have step children, but I am a step child. My mother died when I was a baby and my dad remarried when I was three, so I don't remember life without my stepmum. Always called her mum, as did my older siblings. They went on to have a child together, my half sister. They always treated us all the same and my mum has always said she loves us all equally. Now I am in my 30s and a mother myself, I speak to her every day and she is still a major part of all of our lives. She's probably the glue that holds our family together and keeps us all so close. She is also a great nanna to our children.

I do sometimes wonder if her feelings for her own biological child are different, but if they are she has done an amazing job of never showing it, and giving us a family life and care we may otherwise not have had.

Colditz - I felt at the time, as her legal stepmum, that I did have a legal obligation to look after her. SS made it very, very clear to me, without her knowing, that I was her only option apart from being in care.

I felt I was right to tell her that she had had a rough deal with her parents. My parents were a bit weird/abusive and I wished someone had said to me "it's them, not you" - took me aged to figure that one out.

But, I must say I do not love her the same as my 2 DSs - but then I love them the same amount but for different things. You know what it's like, 1 kid is cute, the other is sweet. I love her like a super-favourite neice. But I would never let her know that. I think so, perhaps I love her like a daughter who I didn't know till she was 12.

The thing is with step children, you don't have the early days to dredge up when they are being vile teens. You can't get the baby photos out and think "ohhhh look at him in his widdle booties, awwwww he was so plumption, look at his little face..." then go upstairs and find that same face in the face of the large snoring hulk in his fetid room. You only have what you've known, and you've had twice as long to love your Ds1, and your Ds2 is still cute!

whatever17, many people, having been lumped with a teenager they've known for two years, would have told the SS to put her in care. You didn't.

She asked me to adopt her when she was nearly 15 and, with the help of social services, I did. I must admit I felt fairly ambiguous about it as I had my own children and had never planned any of this but she felt quite insecure about "getting taken away" (which she wouldn't have been). Both her parents agreed as it meant I could no longer pursue them for child maintenance.

Strangely, ex-DH has always been in DS2's life and had him every other weekend right from the beginning but she won't have anything to do with him and just says "Hi, FirstName" just the same as my own DS1.

I think I probably do love her more than I think I do, but I still think of her as DSD rather than DD. Although in front of her I would introduce her as DD.

Colditz - I think you are so right. I often talk to my best mate about how if we didn't have the store of "baby memories" of thinking about their "widdle booties" when they are stinking, eating and shitting machines in their teenage then we wouldn't cope at all.

I must say that despite not having that store of memories with DSD she did her best not to be a teenaged nightmare and maybe she was a bit scared I would dump her therefore was behaving. I think because I wasn't quite old enough to be her real mum (well - 17 years older) I had a different relationship with her. But I also totally fought her corner with school and SS and made them all fuck off when I thought they were being unfair, just like I would with my own kids.

I would tell her more openly than I would my boys that men could really de-rail you, don't shop-lift, don't piss-up - and back it up with stories from my own life.

I think it is a strange situation for you as you met her quite late in her life for her to think of you as a mum, because she already had an actual mother (however crap) elsewhere. IMO being a MOTHER is not a title that bringing a child into this world automatically gives you in the real sense of the word. Having the child is the easy bit, it is everything after that point that you do to care and nurture that child as it grows that gives you the right to have that title. You did more for her than her own biological parents, it is no surprise that she thinks of you as more of a mother than anyone else.

I think you love her more than you think you do too, you just didn't get to bond with her in the same way as your biological children. The fact that you want her children to call you granny show's that you want to be part of her life for the laung haul and the opportunity to bond with her future children, something biological mothers usually desire of their own daughters (you have a maternal bond with her that extends not only to her but her future children too).

In my culture you can have more than one maternal or paternal figure even without any direct marital ties. My mother has two mothers and I have three grandmother figures. We embrace extended family members much closer than in western culture as a natural part of life. I think the more entrenched idea of the nuclear family here makes it harder to embrace a different form of family life which can make people feel strange about extra/ extended family members being considered closer than normal IYSWIM.

Whatever it is, you have done enough for this girl to hold you in very high regard in her life and that is wonderful.

LDNMummy - I definitely cannot wait to see grandchildren from her one day as from my own sons.

I wasn't really looking for praise (although it is nice to receive it). I cannot say that I went into this situation willingly but my sons now regard her as their full sister and are very angry if anyone says anything about any of the 3 of them not being full brothers and sisters - they think it is just rude.

I never had any problems about being in her life forever, I just didn't realise that I would be her only parent.

I have often broached the subject with her about making contact with her mum, I know where she is. Or trying again with her Dad - who is at our house every other weekend. But she won't go there with either of them.

It is recognition where due OP

Hopefully as she gets older she will come to terms with her biological parents actions and make a move towards contacting her biological mum or speaking with her dad.

Your question is a very interesting one and I will follow this because SP's get a bad rep, even here on MN. Sometimes you can see why (a few old threads spring to mind), but it is also nice to read the positives of step parent/ child relationships.

That's lovely. You sound lovely.
I have a DSS (11) and a DSD (8). I love them, they're great kids. But I had DD 16 weeks ago and no, I don't feel the same way about them. I don't have that same fierce love and protectiveness towards them. But we have a really good relationship and I hope that continues and strengthens as they grow older. It is lovely to see them play with their little sister. At times I have found it difficult - for instance after DD's very difficult birth she was in NICU and then SCBU and we didn't get home from the hospital for a week and then we only had a day at home with her before the kids came to us for their half of the Christmas holidays. I felt bewildered and sad - but would have never in a million years let them see that. It was my problem, not theirs.
Anyway, it's hard sometimes, but I do love them, just not in quite the same way.

Your DSD obviously knows which person has made the most profound impact in her life, which person has loved her unconditionally even though there were no blood links, which person has made an amazing effort to provide her with a home, a family and love.

You are this person. And trying to brush what you have done aside as if anyone would have done the same (they wouldn't!) won't prevent us MNetters from noticing.

You sound worried that you don't love her as much as your biological children. This may as well be true, but this very fact shows the amazing person you are, because she obviously feels as loved and cared for as any of her brothers.

As I don't have children or step-children, my advice here would be useless. I am just participating to tell you how happy I feel when, among all the threads talking about suffering, abandonment, infidelity and abuse, I find a jewel like this, exuding uninterested love, commitment and an innocent person getting a second chance at life and love from a selfless woman like you.

Thank you for restoring my faith in mankind. Big hugs and please stop worrying, you are doing an amazing job!

You have very obviously done something very very right here. The fact that you are just as keen to see her have grandchildren as you are your own children speaks volumes.

Of course your relationship will be different to the two children that you gave birth to and have cared for since infancy, you missed important stages with her - but she is your daughter. I think you should stop referring to her as DSD, and start referring to her as DD - you are no longer with her father, and you have adopted her. As a result she is your DD, and the fact that you have chosen to do this for her is an amazing wonderful gift, that has saved her from all sorts of stress, trauma and difficulty.

And can I just say huge kudos to your boys as well, for being so quick to defend her as being their sister. You have obviously done a great job accepting her into your family so that your boys feel so strongly about it.

Aww shucks guys, she is her own reward though. She is such a joy to have in my life. She has, just like DS1 (DS2 is a tad too young yet), been a massive PITA at times during her teenage.

But absolutely nothing as naughty as I was and I secretly think both of them are a bit feeble in their rebellions.

Anyway, I think there was loads of food for thought - ie obviously we didn't go through the "snuggley baby" stage together. I think that is really important point with regard to genuine, not step-parent, adoption.

Where you are genuinely adopting a stranger, with their own agenda and possibly fixed personality.

Anyway, I do think of her as DDSD, and much loved, but still an DSD rather than a DD.

However, like I said, I have no birth daughters, only sons. I couldn't ask for a girl who suits us more so I think I will work in a few "DDs" rather than "DSDs" and I think she will respond with DM rather than DSM.

Re my ex-DH (her Dad). I don't know what's up with them either side. DD/DSD def sides with my own DS1 when ex-DH comes to pick up DS2.

By which I mean they are "coolDudes" and both hang from the upper landing saying "oh, hi FirstName" as if they were both ex-DH's step-kids.

And I asked him why he loved DS2 but not DD and he said "cos she did the dirty on me". I think he hates her Mum so very much that he can never see past that for DD.

You sound like you've done an amazing job whatever17.

From my perspective, I think that there are different things to being a parent and the huggy-bondy-squishy bit is only one part. I know I feel differently about DSD (who am shortly adopting) to DD. This is because I did not have her from a teeny person, did not actively 'choose' her (as other adoptive parents do), and do not have quite the same attachment to her. However, since she has no other Mum, I have made an active choice to be that person. I can see she needs it from me, and I will never, ever let her see there is a difference in the way I feel. I feel equally responsible for her as DD and will treat them the same, and, like you say, fight her corner as much as it needs, as I would my own. So although for a long time I felt guilty about my lack of the same feeling (I do care for her very much though) I think my active choice to parent her in the same way as DD counts for something and means she feels secure.

EllieG - I think your post really sums things us. I missed the squishy bondy thing and I didn't choose her like a "real" adopter.

However, in her ways she is very much "one of us" (by which I mean me and my kids). She makes me laugh and she is stupid in the same way as me and the DSs.

We have never had a really deep convo about her choosing to stay when ex-DH left.

We often talk about the things we can see in common, physically, between her and DS2. Then we all switch it and talk about what DS1 and DS2 have in common too, as they are half siblings too.

I don't know, I don't love her the real same, but I am glad that I got a chance to have another kid that I wasn't expecting.

But I do feel sorry for her mum.

You did a wonderful thing for that child OP

You may not be her Mother, but it sounds like you are very much her Mum.

No I dont feel the same. Why should I? My stepson doesnt want or need me to, he has a mother.

Breathing have you read this thread?

OP I think you've done brilliantly, and I'd take it as an honour that she thinks of you as her Mum. I have a friend who was unofficially "adopted" by a 16 year old, who calls her Mum. I think that is great (although it looks odd to people who don't know, as they are from very different racial groups).

I wish you luck in the future, and she is a lucky girl to have you.

No, I just read the title, which was a question. Quick "pop on " on easter sunday. Will read it now. :)

But i think my reply is relevant, thats my take on my own role as a stepmother, and a stepchild.