To ask - do you feel the same about your stepkids as your DCs?

[whatever17]

My step-daughter is 24 now. I don't know the acronym for step-daughter - DSD?

Anyway - I was with DSD's Dad for about 5 years before me and her Dad, ex-DH, had DS2.

Therefore, I have a DS1 of my own, he had DSD and we had DS2 together. So, I had been with ex-DH about 5 years before I even met DSD, as he had not had a relationship with her since splitting with her mum when she was 2. She came to live with us when she was 12 after her mum left her with her step-dad. My own DS1 was 9 at the time and I was 3 weeks off giving birth to DS2.

Ex-DH left when DS2 was nearly 2 and left her with me. I felt really at sea as I hadn't even known her till she was 12 and spoke to her school saying that we had had upheaval and to please contact me if she was being naughty cos she was probably just feeling scared. I was really shocked when they asked if I was her mum and was I "Mrs So and So" I said, "No, I'm her stepmum - my name is Mrs This and That".

They said she had always referred to me as her Mum and told them how kind I was. Until that point I had kind of been "baby-sitting" and half thinking - "this isn't even my kid".

Wow that poor girl :( you've done amazingly. And don't worry about not feeling quite the same, nobody can force that unconditional love that comes with a birth child.

I think that's the only difference between my DCs and my DSCs. I love them all but I guess it needs a bit of 'maintenance' with DSCs - they actually got me a stepmum card on mothers day for the first time and I was absolutely overjoyed, it meant more to me than the card from my 3yo (obviously I didn't tell my 3yo that!) because I felt like I'd earned it IYSWIM.

Why was your DS angry with what you said? (in your 2nd post)

And why on earth waste time feeling sorry for her mum when she was the one who buttered off?

Omg I meant buggered off obviously. Autocorrect strikes again :o

I wouldnt worry. You will find that you are probably giving her what she needs as a stepmother. That doesnt necessarily have to be the same as what you feel for your other children. Its ok to feel that way, you still obviously love her. We dont love everyone the same. We love them, in their own unique way.

whatever - yes, it is a shame for her mother - but you sound like you have managed to fill that gap for her, which is no mean feat. Getting a child through rejection like she sounds like she has experienced (indirectly or whatever) is tough - am uber-impressed. I am going to use you as a blueprint I think! Maybe you can be my step-parenting guru (DSD only 12 so a long way to go!)

You are amazing.

You have done an incredible thing for that girl.

She is very very lucky to have you.

I am a step child but my father lived with me from age 1 and my biological father showed no interest. He loved me equally but we had more in common and spent more time together than he had with his own children who lived with thier mum and as a result we eventually became quite noticbly closer than he was to his other children but then at age 1 I was very young and he did more caring for me than his own children.

So I think it is time that makes the bond and you didnt have as much time with your DD having not met her till she was 12 I think you did very well by her .

OP I love this thread and your total honesty. YOu were literally left holding the baby - only, she wasn't a baby or even your baby and had no blood link to you at all. I love your honesty in that you didn't, and don't, do the cloying "I should love them like my own" thing that SM's often fall into; when the SC have their own mother and the SM's role is to be like a kind auntie/adult who comes with the package of their real parent and always defers to the real parent [blatant own agenda seeping out there ]

Then suddenly everybody buggered off and to your astonishment you were left with a vulnerable young pre-teen who had been doubly abandoned by her desperately selfish parents (). You did the right thing and kept her, fought for her, took her on. No wonder she calls you mum: you have been her only real parent, she saw straight away that you were her only constant. She minded her p's and q's with you because she was afraid of being abandoned again - after all, if her own parents could abandon her then why wouldn't anyone else, particularly someone totally not connected to her by blood?

You clearly do love her but she was forced on you by circumstance so it was like you had to jump high to get to the starting block iyswim. Well, you did it you gorgeous woman. She probably calls you mum at school because 1.the real story is too complicated and, anyway, hurtful and 2.she probably wished you were. Now you are. You were right to tell her the absolute truth that her parents were wrong and that she didn't deserve what they did (or didn't) do to/for her.

Real love isn't predominantly about emotion but about commitment, which you have shown her (in shedloads). Don't feel guilty, you've given her the good stuff that we're all after.

I heart you btw

You know that old saying "anyone can be a father, but takes someone special to be a daddy?" well in this case replace mother and mum.

Whatever you are amazing and you my utmost respect!!! Really, not many people would do what you have, and how fab that your own DS's get protective about their relationship. She IS your daughter and she obviously feels that you are HER MUM!! What you did for that poor little girl is amazing, and in a way i can understand why she doesnt want to know her dad, after all he "rescued" her from stepdad when her mum just left her with him, and then went and did the same thing himself. Dont feel sorry for her biological parents, they dont deserve her time or love.

But she obviously has a huge affection and respect for you, and rightly so. You've earned it.

Sending ver un mumsnet hugs to a mum who deserves them ((()))!

*very

OP you are bloody lovely.

I was looked after by a unofficial foster family, I know they cared a lot for me and it was a strain for them to step in (and it was their decision) and of course I was aware that they loved their children more... but that was fine.

Still in touch with my 'siblings' now, their family saved my life.

Can I adopt you?

OP I reallky admire you. I struggle with my SS and feel constantly guilty that I don't love him and that most of the time he annoys me. (but then it's still early days since his Mum died so we are all still adjusting).
I really hope one day I can be as warm and open to him as you seem to be with DSD, I would love to have a good relationship with him. Did you find it hard to have a 'stranger' in your house 24/7 at first?

What a lovely person you are. No wonder your DSD wants you as her mum. I'm sure you will become closer as time goes by and it will be you who have the joy of being granny to her children.

Hats off to you op.
I don't have step children but have the greatest admiration for people who take on other another persons child. Seeing friends in these situations it can be fraught with difficulties. Family life with ones own flesh and blood can be hard enough, so the complications of other difficult emotions to add the mix must be tough.
Op you sound truly loving and your step d is very fortunate

I could not love my (adopted) daughter more even if I had given birth to her. Blood isn't stronger than water. I love her unconditionally, as does my husband.

MmaIvvy - totally - it's been a really long time. DSD had no one but me and I "hated" her to begin with (not really - ish) for taking my time away from my "own" DCs. I hated the smell of her clothes, they made me think of her mum who wasn't dead just a real let down. And a really bad cow.

I had to really, really tap into my own less than ideal childhood. It helped knowing that I was her only parent in the world.

Had I had her Dad with me I don't think I could have bonded with her. However, she is now just like one of my own I can say anything and she can say anything.

I suppose the acid test is that I flight her cause, whatever it is, and I am looking forward to her kids, just like my own boys.

I wanted to give an update.

I have spoken to DSD and said I want us to stop referring to each other as FirstName and DSD but Mum and DD.

I don't have any other DDs only DSs.

She was delighted.

She is such a lovely girl, she has, at times, been a bitch - but I think that was her right as a teenager.

She has been an angelic sister to both her half brother and my DS1 and, because we are not too different in age, she has helped me no end.

I feel sorry for her, and I have told her this, that her start in life was shit.

She has told me that she is a lesbian - which I am kind of disappointed about cos I want Grandkids and have told her that.