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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit wierded out that my OH took DS2 (11 Months) to see dead body?

44 replies

youbethemummylion · 18/04/2011 19:26

It's not quite as bad as it sounds it wasn't just a random dead body but DS2's great-grandad at home the day before the funeral. I think I'm propabably being a bit silly but I'm feeling a bit shocked that OH thought this was ok and a bit sad that my precious innocent little baby has seen a dead body! Am I being a bit over-sensitive?

OP posts:

MarthaMayBeMad · 18/04/2011 19:28

YABU

bubblecoral · 18/04/2011 19:28

I would feel a little wierd too, but as your ds is only 11 months and won't have had a clue what was going on, you have no need to worry.

itchycoopark · 18/04/2011 19:28

I think you are a bit, 11 months is too young to think anything of it.

And there is nothing inherently scary about the dead body of someone who has died peacefully and has no damage to it. We just project fears about death onto it. Your baby has no such fears so it won't have affected him.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 18/04/2011 19:28

He won't remember any of it. and FWIW I think that death is part of life and like many other taboos should be talked about as normally as possible.

BooBooGlass · 18/04/2011 19:28

He won't have been aware of what was going on. Yabu

MissPaintyOeuf · 18/04/2011 19:30

If you can honestly say that you remember anything you saw aged 11mo, then YANBU.

Original poster

youbethemummylion · 18/04/2011 19:32

I know he won't remember it just seems a bit like something a baby shouldn't have to see.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/04/2011 19:32

YABU. I was taken (and made to kiss) my dead grandfather at 6. That has stayed with me far more than if I had only been 11 months.

nethunsreject · 18/04/2011 19:33

It won't do him any harm. He won't be able to make sense of t or comprehend what is going on.

cat64 · 18/04/2011 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WelliesAndPyjamas · 18/04/2011 19:35

He just won't remember it.

Isn't it nicer to think that your OH had the comfort of having his son close with him as he said goodbye to his grandad?

I know it is easy to say but there is truth in what they say - death is normal and part of life. My ds1 was with me as I said goodbye to my grandfather in hospital. He was 13 months and said grandad was sleeping. What comfort that gave me.

ilythia · 18/04/2011 19:42

YABU. although I can see why you mgiht feel 'weirded out' as the british seem very reticent to discuss/acknowledge death.

Although I might not be the best person to ask as we took both DD's at 2.10 and 4.8 to see MIL when she was terminally ill the day before she died. As wellies said, it was a comfort to DH that he knew his mother had heard her only grandchildren say 'goodbye grandma, I love you' before she died.
And they have been to 3 funerals altogether, although not all with open coffins.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 18/04/2011 19:55

Something he shouldn't have to see is part of the problem.

Death is part of life. Nothing to be afraid of and nothing that we have to protect even young children from.

Not so many years ago the dead used to be brought back home and laid out for a few days in the front room!

I think that we shouldn't try to shield children from the realities of life. And that includes death.

A body is nothing to be afraid of. It is simply a body. I don't know if you believe in life after death, but for me a body is simply what is left behind, unneeded, when the soul has moved on. There's nothing frightening about it.

anonacfr · 18/04/2011 20:03

My grandparents both died at home and their bodies were kept until the funeral (2 days later- in France the council has undertakers who come to the home and 'prepare' the body if you want to keep them till the funeral and funerals tend to happen very quickly).

It was actually very 'nice'- it allowed the extended family to spend time with them to say goodbye if they wanted. My cousin's children (who were all between 2 and 6 at the time) were very unfazed. I remember one of them commenting that it was only Granny's body because she was in heaven already.

heather1980 · 18/04/2011 20:06

yabu, i took my 8 month old ds to see my grandad when he died, he had no clue what was going on and all the other relatives loved having a baby about to fuss over at such a sad time.

and hecate my grandad was laid out at home. but this was in ireland though

blinks · 18/04/2011 20:08

yabu

joyjac · 18/04/2011 20:09

In our part of Ireland those who die are almost always waked at home for two nights before the funeral. Children pay their respects to those who have passed, the same as everybody else, and seem to be totally unaffected by seeing dead bodies. invariably the person looks even better than they did in life, if somewhat paler. Lots of stories are told about the deceased, and they get taller as the night goes on sometimes.

I was born in a different part of Ireland and this was definitely not the norm, still isn't. I was very uptight the first time I went to a wake, in my late 20's, and was so surprised at how normal and natural it all seemed. I think it does help to have seen others before you lose a dearly loved one.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 20:12

YANBU to feel wierded out but don't worry, your baby won't remember it.

LuckyWeKeptTheCot · 18/04/2011 20:13

He won't remember. I felt great comfort in having my baby close when dealing with a death. I didn't take the baby to see the dead person but I can understand it. It's all family and death is as much part of life as anything else.

Salmotrutta · 18/04/2011 20:15

YABU. I think we have become very "precious" about all of this nowadays. As others have said, the dead person was usually kept in the front room in the old days, until the funeral.
The baby really won't remember and I'd be wary of passing on your anxiety to him about this type of situation.
I wonder if this "preciousness" about death is only one aspect of a bigger problem. I wonder if we shield our children too much now. Bit of a tangent from the subject matter but I think about this now and then.
I'm not saying we should thrust them out into the world at 12 to earn a living as a chimney sweep but I come across plenty of teenagers who really have no clue about the big wide world and how it works.

Fernie3 · 18/04/2011 20:15

yabu your baby would have no clue what he was looking at and your dp probably found it a comfort to take his son to say goodbye.

Vallhala · 18/04/2011 20:16

Your son won't remember the event in years to come but taking him might just have been the thing which gave your OH strength, somrthing positive to focus on and comfort during what must have been a very distressing day for him.

As one who still mourns her own Grandad I feel for your OH and am sorry for his, and your famiy's loss.

unfitmother · 18/04/2011 20:16

YABU - was your DS 'weirded out' by the situation? No, of course he wasn't.
The problem appears to be yours.

SecretNutellaFix · 18/04/2011 20:32

yabu.

When I was 10 my father died. He died on the Friday night, post mortem on the Saturday morning, home on the Monday and funeral on the Thursday.

We were allowed to go into the back bedroom whenever we wanted to talk to him on our own if we wanted, which we did. Friends came to pay their respects and saw him as well.

It did not affect us negatively at all and I remember the peaceful ten minutes we would all sneak with him.

Maud2011 · 18/04/2011 20:41

YABU - but I think in our culture death has become incredibly taboo, so I'm not totally surprised you feel the way you do.

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