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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister has no idea?

45 replies

unsurevalentine · 18/04/2011 09:20

I am a working single mum to 3 kids. Every other weekend they go to their dads.

My sister is staying ATM and reckons there is not much difference between this and her situation.

She has been married for 15 years and husband has a very good job which sometimes involves working away and doesn't get in till 7 sometimes.

AIBU to think this is a) insulting and b) she is talking out of her arse?!

OP posts:
Megatron · 18/04/2011 09:21

YANBU. She is talking out of her arse.

reikizen · 18/04/2011 09:22

Everyone thinks they have it hard, but it isn't a competition!

NoelEdmondshair · 18/04/2011 09:22

yabu to think she's insulting you. Would you rather she said "poor you, no husband, glad I'm not in your shoes"? Hmm

reikizen · 18/04/2011 09:23

sorry, I meant to add that she is also talking out of her arse!

altinkum · 18/04/2011 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybean2 · 18/04/2011 09:25

Only someone how is (or has been) a single parent will really have any idea what it's like.

You'll hear what your SIL has said many times from marrieds (My own sister says it to me and we had a big falling out over it becaus frankly she has NO IDEA).

You just have to accept they have absolutley no clue what it's really like (in the same way childless people have no real clue what it's like to have a child until they become a parent themselves)

Whatevs · 18/04/2011 09:25

YANBU.

I have a friend who constantly bangs on about 'being a single parent' when her husband works away for a few days, which I think is not only extremely childish but also quite insulting to actual single parents.

Fwiw, my husband used to work away at least one week out of every four (abroad), and while I did find it hard, I would never compare it to being solely responsible 24/7 365 for the care of three children!

scoobydoobydoobydoobydoo · 18/04/2011 09:25

YANBU.

I've been in both camps and can tell you that knowing there is someone on the end of the phone, that we can make plans for the future together, that there is someone 'there' even if they are physically not there makes a huge difference.

FWIW, when I was a single parent, my mum who had been in your sisters position told me that now I knew how hard it had been for her. Angry

yes it is hugely insulting and yes she is talking out of her bum.

CoolYerBoots · 18/04/2011 09:26

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Gooseberrybushes · 18/04/2011 09:29

It's not the same. But having a husband away is hard too. Having a husband around is sometimes hard. So it's not insulting and she's not talking out of her arse. I would just get over it.

PandaNot · 18/04/2011 09:35

Well, YANBU but some people are in situations where they feel solely responsible for their dc even if they do have a partner. I know that I make all the decisions for our dc (both practical, day-to-day stuff and the major, which-school-to-go-to stuff) even though I have dh who is present lots of the time. It's just the way it has worked out for us and it is very hard on me sometimes to have to manage that responsibility.

But I would reiterate that YANBU. It's not that same at all.

kittya · 18/04/2011 09:37

I always think it's unfair when people say childless people have no real clue what it's like to have a child. We aren't blind.

Reality · 18/04/2011 09:37

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sunnydelight · 18/04/2011 09:39

YANBU. We have three kids, DH NEVER gets home before 7 in the evening and sometimes works away. There is no way it is the same as being a single parent. DH worked away Mon-Fri when DD (the third) was 2-6 months old, later on he was in New York at least one week out of four. He was really aware of the fact that he couldn't pull his weight with the kids on a regular basis so I got mega cudos and treats and "you go and have fun with your girlfriends darling" when he was around. You don't get any of that as a single parent so she is being an arse!

Reality · 18/04/2011 09:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happymm · 18/04/2011 09:42

I sometimes say I feel like a single mum mon-fri, as DH is gone from 7am-8pm so doesn't get to see DC's or help @ all, plus he does have to go abroad each month too. However, he does come home, and is there on the end of the phone if necessary, so am no way a lone parent. He's there for moaning talking through day, decision making, etc etc. So yes, your sis is talking out of her arse!:o

millie30 · 18/04/2011 09:43

Everyone has different limits that they can cope with. Maybe your sister really struggles when her husband is working away? I'm a lone parent and my child doesn't visit his father so I never even get the odd weekend free, but I'd actually prefer to be in my situation, where I have my routine and total control of my life, than the situation of some of my friends who have selfish, unhelpful partners.

YABU if you make the assumption that just because someone isn't a single parent, they don't struggle.

Meow75 · 18/04/2011 09:45

I agree, kittya. Some people will always be insensitive and stupid EVEN when they do become parents. I know this for a fact - I have my brother to show me!!!

OP you have two choices, as is often the case. You can either take to heart the apparent insensitivity that you feel you have experienced and be offended, severing all contact with such insensitivity forthwith

OR

You can just carry on with your life as you were, giving a Hmm and maybe even a ::rolleyes at this and, I am sure, other comments that you will undoubtedly encounter on your journey through life.

Just chalk it up to being one of those daft things that people say and get on with living!!

BikeRunSki · 18/04/2011 09:46

DH works away a lot and I used to say, tongue in cheek, that I am "sometimes like a single mum".

I was very wrong. I do not have the sole responsibility for bringing in our income; I have someone else to help me make big decisions; and I do know that he will be home a few nights a week; will be here for family holidays; will happily let me go out when he is home.

Your sister is BU. My sister's DH works nights, she used to winge about being a single parent, until he actually did leave!

Have to say that I am sometimes a leetle bit envious of my single mum friend who has every other w/e to herself and goes off doing child unfriendly things (hillwalking, nice hotels...). But I am not going to kick DH out!

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 18/04/2011 09:47

YANBU next time she says this, say "Oh yes....because in the event of an emergency I have another adult in the huse to lean on don't I? yes...and someone to assist with bedtimes....and someone to help me when I am sick"

How stupid of her.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 18/04/2011 09:48

altinkum I have a husband who works away....or on overnights....and it is not the same as having no husband and children to care for.

Honestly. It's really, really not.

Asinine · 18/04/2011 09:48

She is probably trying to make you feel that she understands what it's like for you being on your own. She has a taste of it when her dh is away. It's hard to know what to say when someone who clearly has a harder deal than you is complaining about their life. You can't say "I'm so fortunate compared to you", "I'm glad I'm not in your situation", even "It must be hard for you " sounds patronising. I usually end up trying to sympathise in a wishy washy way, which is what I expect she's doing.
Try being frank with her, tell her she's no idea what it's like, she'll be relieved to agree, without fear of insulting you.

kittya · 18/04/2011 09:49

I have friends who's husbands work away, socialise alot through work and never even bathe their own children or take them to the park. I have a friend who is a single parent who's three children go to their dads every other weekend and go on two holidays abroad with him a year. She goes out more than anyone I know. Everyones situation is different. I know I'd rather be in the latters position.

CoolYerBoots · 18/04/2011 09:50

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darleneconnor · 18/04/2011 09:52

I think there are different degrees of being a single parent. The only complete single parents are those who have no contact at all with the other parent. You do get a break, and possibly maintenance? So you have it easier than other single parents, if you want to get all competitive about it.

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