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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Modern families (children - families)

40 replies

Harrisd · 17/04/2011 17:33

My partner, her biological daughter and I live together. My biological daughter lives with her mother elsewhere. I have shared access and have her ever other weekend and split all holidays equally.

When the 4 of us are together we are a happy single family unit. 2 parents with two daughters who refer to eahcother as sisters. I treat them both equally as my daughters :-)

My partners sister is getting married soon and has asked my partner and her daughter to be brides maids. Is it unreasonable that I feel my biological daughter is being excluded? I am expected to take my daughter as an onlooker while her step mum and sister (so to speak) take leading parts as brides maids. She is 6 years old. not an easy situation to explain to her...

OP posts:
TeddyBare · 17/04/2011 17:35

How well does your dp's sister know your dd?

Original poster
Harrisd · 17/04/2011 17:38

Fairly well.

OP posts:
freddy05 · 17/04/2011 17:39

we had my sisters step daughter as a bridesmaid just as we did her daughter so I would say it's a bit odd yes. does she know your daughter? I'd say something if it was me but not sure others would say the same!

slartybartfast · 17/04/2011 17:40

have you been together long?

initially i would have thought fair enough that your partner and her dd woudl be bridesmads.

jojowest · 17/04/2011 17:40

its really up to the bride isnt it?

Original poster
Harrisd · 17/04/2011 17:43

I have made it clear to my partner that Im not happy but she doesnt seem to understand my point of view. In fact its caused quite a bit of friction which is why Im wondering if its me being unreasonable... Im even thinking of not going at all to avoid upsetting my daughter. At the same time, I dont want to blow this all out of proportion. Its their wedding day after all.

OP posts:
muminthemiddle · 17/04/2011 17:43

YANBU to feel that way.
However weddings often bring out the worst in people imho.
No advice really except to say that you could explain that your partner's daughter is the neice of the bride and so that is why she is the bridesmaid and your dd isn't.

I know it's not the same but whem my mil and fil reached their 50th wedding anniversary they wanted to have a meal out with "family" they invited my dh his sister and their other son. Both myself and bil were not invited. We have been married for 17 years. My dh did not attend neither did his sister.

Original poster
Harrisd · 17/04/2011 17:46

yanbu?

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 17/04/2011 17:48

hmm. i can see why you are upset tbh, but there isnt very much you can so about it, i would go to the wedding but arrange your DD to be at her mothers that weekend, as she will only feel upset that she has been left out.

Also, maybe your SIL feels if things went pair shaped between you and your partner, your DD would be all over her picture and really wont be a part of her life anymore, not saying its right, but is something i have heard of before.

GiddyPickle · 17/04/2011 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 17/04/2011 17:50

YABU. You may feel like a family unit, but your girlfriends sister is under no obligation to view your child as her family, which is what you are demanding.

slartybartfast · 17/04/2011 17:50

you and she shoudl go - in as above, a nice new dress and be pleased for her sister

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 17/04/2011 17:50

How many bridesmaids are there going to be? If more than two are the others friends of the bride or members of the grooms family?

Shakirasma · 17/04/2011 17:56

I think it takes special people to love their step children as their own and I think you and your partner are to be congratulated for this.

However I don't think it always comes easily to the wider family and they don't always see your family unit in the same way you do, particularly if children are only around part time.

I don't think YABU, but neither is the bride. Please don't boycott the wedding, just explain that it is your step daughters auntie getting married. Obviously your daughter has family which are not related to your step daughter also.

Original poster
Harrisd · 17/04/2011 17:56

Only the x2 bridesmaids. Not the whole of the family is going due to a recent argument between the bride to be and another two sisters.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harrisd · 17/04/2011 17:59

Thank you all by the way for your comments coming through. I appreciate your feedback (good and bad). :-)

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 17/04/2011 18:02

If your ex got married/remarried - would you expect her to have your step-daughter as a bridesmaid?

i think you are being over-sensitive.

Trifle · 17/04/2011 18:02

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Your partners sister is absolutely no relation to your daughter, you only know eachother through circumstance. What I find bizarre is that your partner is also going to be a bridesmaid, surely that role is reserved for cute little kids not adults with children of their own. You and your daughter should enjoy the ceremony as guests. You are being very PFB by thinking of boycotting the event so as not to upset your daughter.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 17/04/2011 18:08

It could be costs that mean she is only choosing her sister and niece or even, as pps have said, it could be that she doesn't see your dd in quite the same way as her niece.

Whatever her reasons I think you'd be UR to not go. The one thing I hate about weddings is that other people seem to think that they can dictate to the bride and groom about how they have their wedding, who they invite etc.

Original poster
Harrisd · 17/04/2011 18:09

My partner is chief bridesmaid. Something she condsiders an honor as she and the bride are very close.

OP posts:
AttillaTheMum · 17/04/2011 18:14

I thibnk you are being a bit unreasonable.

I can understand why you feel bad but the reality is that DD1 is her neice and she may not see your DD in that way yet. Maybe she does see her in that way but only wants har sister and DD1.

Anyways roundm it isnt your wedding and it her her choice, you are 100% being unreasonable and very petty too not go!

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 17/04/2011 18:16

most bridesmaids are adults, not children!

Original poster
Harrisd · 17/04/2011 18:17

Ok, getting the message here.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 18:20

It depends on how committed and long-term your relationship is.

YANBU if you are deeply together and have been together for several years.

YABU if you got together only recently and/or bride thinks you might break up so possibly doesn't want the daughter of some ex-boyfriend of her sister in every picture.

Nancy66 · 17/04/2011 18:21

go - your daughter will still have a great time. buy her a lovely new dress and she'll still feel part of the wedding.