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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Modern families (children - families)

40 replies

Harrisd · 17/04/2011 17:33

My partner, her biological daughter and I live together. My biological daughter lives with her mother elsewhere. I have shared access and have her ever other weekend and split all holidays equally.

When the 4 of us are together we are a happy single family unit. 2 parents with two daughters who refer to eahcother as sisters. I treat them both equally as my daughters :-)

My partners sister is getting married soon and has asked my partner and her daughter to be brides maids. Is it unreasonable that I feel my biological daughter is being excluded? I am expected to take my daughter as an onlooker while her step mum and sister (so to speak) take leading parts as brides maids. She is 6 years old. not an easy situation to explain to her...

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 17/04/2011 18:22

Maybe your DD an be the flower girl - just in and out in the beginning of the ceremony, spreading petals down the aisle. That way, she won't be a bridesmaid but won't feel excluded.

BalloonSlayer · 17/04/2011 18:25

"If your ex got married/remarried - would you expect her to have your step-daughter as a bridesmaid?"

Eh? That analogy doesn't work at all.

The analogy you are looking for is "if YOUR sister got married, would you expect her to have your step-daughter as a bridesmaid."

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 17/04/2011 18:25

OP this is AIBU

For this section you need..

Thick skin
A flame proof suit
A tin hat

The first you need to provide yourself, the others can be accessed from the boxes to your left as you enter AIBU

Original poster

Harrisd · 17/04/2011 18:25

I think setting up home together is a big enough commitment to be seen as long term. Certainly not something I would rush into. We have been together for 2 years now. After a shaky start (on and off a couple of times) we decided to commit together as a family about 6 months ago. We both left our separate homes and made a new one together.

I understand what you are saying though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Harrisd · 17/04/2011 18:27

Yes I would BallonSlayer.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 17/04/2011 18:27

BalloonSlayer - yeah I thought it didn't sound right when I typed it!

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 17/04/2011 18:28

No, don't ask for your dd to be a flower girl. I'd be pissed off it I got people coming up to me saying "oh, x can be 'insert role here'".

If your dp's sister has two other sisters that haven't been asked to be bridesmaids and, possibly, other nieces that have also been left out then you can't really expect your dd to be included.

BalloonSlayer · 17/04/2011 18:30

Maybe it's simply a case of "blood is thicker than water." Your DP and her DD are blood relations, your DD isn't. It's a shame and I feel sorry for her and you

Nancy66 · 17/04/2011 18:31

Harrisd - can i just add that you sound like a brilliant dad and stepdad. Even though most people don't agree with you, it's lovely that you have such a sense of fair play and are looking out for both your girls so much

sausagesandmarmelade · 17/04/2011 18:33

I think you are being a little unreasonable...though I understand how you feel.

I think the bride should be able to choose whoever she wants to be her bridesmaids for her wedding. She has chosen her niece...and that's her prerogative.

Don't make things any more stressful for her in the run up...suck it up (as people say). Go out and buy your daughter a really nice dress...so that she has something special to wear for the day...go along together and enjoy the day.

youngjoly · 17/04/2011 18:33

From the Bride's perspective, the DD is her niece, but your daughter is not her niece. Just because you see them as sisters, the fact is they are not sisters, only step sisters and so the relationship between your DD and the bride is not the same. Therefore, whilst it would be nice for the Bride to have asked your DD to have been bridesmaid, I would not see an obligation to and indeed, don't think you can expect it. Also, in the grand scheme of things you have only been committed as a family for 6 months, I personally see that as too soon to be expecting your DD to be treated the same as the bride's niece at this stage.

That said, if the Sisters are very close as you say, why not ask the bride if she can find a role for your DD. I would however, make it clear that you are not expecting / asking her to be bridesmaid and of course, you would cover the costs. However, there are lots of things she can do. My friend had too many bridesmaids and so had one 7 year old niece write a poem which she read out at the wedding. A reading perhaps? Flower girl is another suggestion or to hold the cushion to pass the rings? Something small that requires a pretty dress should be enough to placate your 6 year old and to make her feel included.
Good luck

Original poster

Harrisd · 17/04/2011 18:33

Thanks Nancy66. But I am begining to feel that indeed i am being unreasonable here.

OP posts:

slartybartfast · 17/04/2011 18:36

a reading sounds a fantastic idea imo

though she has refused to invite to of her sisters as they had a fall out

bit odd, or aibu?

fluffygal · 17/04/2011 18:55

I know it's not wedding related but I have two SS's who live with me 24/7 and call me mummy, two of my own and a DD with my husband. My oldest sister and my brother get all 5 children christmas and birthday pressies, but my other sister only gets my birth children presents. I do find it odd and am a little bit sad for SS's, but its her choice. All the children are under 6 so haven't noticed but as they get older they will so might buy Christmas pressies on behalf of her.

YANBU to feel sad for your daughter, but it is the brides wedding, its up to her. You should definitely still go, take her out and let her choose her dress and make the day special and exciting despite not being bridesmaid. She will have to realise she won't always get to do everything her sister does- mine have learnt that now when it comes to birthday parties, treats etc.

SmethwickBelle · 18/04/2011 07:03

I do think it is up to the Bride and Groom who they have involved - I had ALL the children of the family as my bridesmaids lest I put any noses out of joint and consequently had no one to help me get ready as EVERYONE was prepping the various kids (I might have quite liked to choose a couple of adult friends, no relation). I love the kids but wish I'd worried less about what other people thought. With a big wedding you've got tens of guests all with needs, worries and opinions on the proceedings, to accomodate them all is almost impossible.

It is fab that you have just a close bond with your daughters. Definitely get her a lovely outfit and make a fuss of her on the day etc... Child guests at weddings seem to get away with practically bridesmaid-eque dresses anyway!

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