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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get worked up about staying at my MILs for the weekend?

43 replies

AbyCat · 17/04/2011 11:05

I think I probably ABU so its really coping strategies & advice I'm after!
DH & I are due to stay at his mothers for the whole of the weekend & I'm getting all worked up & worried about it. I hate staying there at the best of times as they are a very strange family, totally different to mine, and DH just uses the weekend to catch up on sleep & let his mother wait on him hand & foot. I guess I can just ignore that for one weekend though.

I'm more worried about the loo situation - I'm 34 wks, & am getting up 5-10 times in the night to go to the loo. The only (ancient, noisy) loo upstairs is down a long creaky corridor next door to BIL & SIL's room, and the only other one is downstairs outside through a scullery. MIL won't let anyone put the lights on at night & gives us all a torch to use if we need to get up. SIL complains if anyone flushes the loo next to her room at night, & I'm terrified of falling down the stairs or tripping over the cat trying to make my way downstairs in the dark.

I did ask if we could swap bedrooms to be nearer the upstairs loo, but BIL& DH both say no, they can't sleep in the other's room. Have also suggested staying in a B&B nearby but that apparently will hurt MILs feelings. I just feel they don't understand what its like at the moment, & I'm getting stressed over such a little thing. Has anyone got any other suggestions? Or can you buy an adult potty? (oh yuk, but desperate times & all that!).

OP posts:
Pheebe · 17/04/2011 11:07

Just turn the lights on and flush the loo!! You a heavily pregnant adult, not some naughty teenager. Safety is a definite issue here. ignore them and do what you know is right.

worraliberty · 17/04/2011 11:07

Tell them you need the loo a lot in the night because you're pregnant and ask them if they want you to flush it or leave it til the morning.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 17/04/2011 11:09

Yes, get a grip and get on with it. Are they actually going to complain to you in the morning? If so, you just look at them like this Confused and then Hmm

Thats all you need to do.

Original poster
AbyCat · 17/04/2011 11:13

I did say to DH when it was first suggested that we go & stay that I'd need the light on at night, so he's bought me a massive new torch instead....
And SIL does bring it up at the breakfast table that it's selfish of people to flush the loo & creak along the corridors at night disturbing her sleep instead of going downstairs, but if she does it this time I may just slap her one.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 17/04/2011 11:13

They have refused your compromises, so the only option left to you is to make the best of the situation you are left in. Turn the lights on and flush the toilet. They have no grounds for complaint.

TiggieWiggle · 17/04/2011 11:15

Just do what you need to do and try not to worry. I'm 32 weeks and know exactly where you're coming from with the weeing in the night - bloody annoying isn't it Grin.

You have offered to swap rooms or stay elsewhere and they said no so have left you no option.

HerHissyness · 17/04/2011 11:16

Slap her FGS, Retort back with "it's RUDE to take a PG woman to task, would she prefer you just PEE in the BED?"

So it's OK for you to be stressed and your feelins HURT, but not MIL if you want to stay somewhere you CAN go to the loo without being humiliated the next day at breakfast. Let DH stay there if he wants to, check yourself into the B&B.

squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 11:17

If it doesnt bother you to pee in front of your husband, who would be asleep anyway, I would take a bucket into the bedroom...

Then make a nice noisy trip to the loo when you get up in the morning, flush at least twice, and bang the door on your way out! :)

TrillianAstra · 17/04/2011 11:18

"I am very pregnant and will need to go to the loo a lot in the night - if you think this will disturb you I am happy to stay in a B&B instead - what do you think?"

The only answers available are

  • of course we won't mind, you are very pregnant after all
  • yes you should stay in a B&B

No option for them to complain. MIL and SIL/BIL can fight it out over whether it is worse for SIL to be disturbed or worse for MIL to not have her chldren all under her roof.

jojowest · 17/04/2011 11:20

if SIL moans, just say well i did ask you to swap but you turned your nose up

thats it, no further discussion needed

and sod not putting the lights on, or going downstairs

Newgolddream · 17/04/2011 11:22

Why are you getting so stressed? Its not good for you or your baby - as someone said you are a grown pregnant adult who needs to get up during the night for the toilet. Theres no way you should be creeping around in the dark up and down with torches ect, mad!

Either go and put the light on and flush - and if they dont like it explain you are not prepared to risk your health and your babies health by falls etc - and if they dont liek it you will check into the lcoal B&B - see what they say then. Get DH on side to, what does he think as you hardly mention him?

BluePyjamas · 17/04/2011 11:22

Why on earth are you going there?! Stay at home and relax for the weekend. Why does your h want you to go if he knows you, quite reasonably, hate it?

TheMonster · 17/04/2011 11:24

don't go.

DuelingFanjo · 17/04/2011 11:28

I would go and just turn on the lights and flush the loo. tough on them if they can't understand that a pregnant woman needs to see where she's going in the dark.

BrandyAlexander · 17/04/2011 11:34

Wow. Just wow. I say that as someone who is also heavily pregnant and was peeing about once an hour last night.

Okay, so with first pregnancy, we went to stay with dh's family when I was 35 weeks. Whole family stayed so everyone was bunking up. We arrived to find that we had been given the best room in the house which had an ensuite so that I could pee at night in comfort. We didn't expect that at all but that is what people who care about you do.

There is no way I would be stressing about the selfishness of dh's family and him buying an extra big torch is just colluding with the selfishness so I would be mightily peed off with him. I wouldn't even be going. And if I was persuaded into going, I would be flushing the toliet and putting the light on quite frankly without a care in the world.

FabbyChic · 17/04/2011 11:35

I too would turn the lights on and flush the toilet.

I would ring her and say that you need to use the toilet a lot at night, and would feel uncomfortable not being able to flush the toilet.

Alternatively, don't go let your husband go on his own.

Tell him you aren't going somewhere where going to the toilet is going to cause you embarassment.

What a ridiculous situation.

FetchezLaVache · 17/04/2011 11:40

What does your DH have to say about all this? Does he realise how much worry this weekend is causing you?

JaneS · 17/04/2011 12:11

Oh, this is absurd! Turn the lights on and flush the loo. Your DH is acting as if he's still 12 and having to abide by 'house rules' - he may still feel like his parents' little boy, but you are a grown woman.

Are you communicating with your PIL entirely via DH, btw? It sounds as if you might be - if so, can you give your MIL a quick call and tell her you think your DH has overreacted, it's very funny but he's actually gone and bought you a torch, and you just wanted to check if she's got problems with lighting/access to the loo at the moment as you'd be happy to go for the B&B if there's a problem?

Then she will either have to accept you need the bloody light on to go to the loo, or she'll have to let you go to the B&B.

Original poster
AbyCat · 17/04/2011 12:53

Thank you guys, I feel a bit more normal now! DH says I'm being unreasonable, & what is wrong with using a torch instead of lighting up the place & waking everyone else up. He's the one who refuses to go to a B&B or swap rooms as he says he wouldn't be able to sleep in his brothers room(!). I really don't want to ring my MIL about it as she just works herself up into a state over anything that isn't their usual routine & gets upset, then I get blamed for upsetting an elderly lady.

I think the age gap is a major problem, she's in her 80s, BIL & SIL are in their late 50s & a good 20 years older than me, & I just have nothing in common with any of them (no other kids in the family at all!).

Best friend has just brought up a v good point - if they're that pissed off with people waking them at night going to the loo, how on earth can they expect me to take DS to visit them for weekends once he is born?! Maybe I should point this out too, what will MIL want me to do with a newborn waking up & crying for a feed every couple of hours?!

I may just make as much noise as possible on this visit so I don't have to go there again on a regular basis with the baby (they won't come to visit us as they don't like London, its too far away & dirty & noisy here...;) )

OP posts:
JaneS · 17/04/2011 13:00

Aby, ask your DH how he would feel if you fell. Sorry to say it so bluntly and god forbid you do - but woman, you're heavily pregnant, it would only take one uneven step you can't see or one thing sticking out you didn't notice to have you on the floor. It's just not sensible to wander around a strange house with only a torch.

Good point about what will happen when your DS is born!

diddl · 17/04/2011 13:17

Does BIL still live there?

If not, how is it "his" room?

They are then surely guest rooms & if it´s most convenient-for everyone for you to be next to the bathroom, then that´s where you should be!

AllGoodNamesGone · 17/04/2011 13:21

I'd put my foot down and tell DH it's a B&B or nothing.

Why is he more concerned about his mum's potentially hurt feelings than his pregnant wife potentially falling down the stairs?

If he still refuses then I'd say I was just not up to the journey at this stage and send DH on his own.

It's unpleasant enough being up and down to the loo all the time without all this shite nonsense from his family. And why are you expected to pussyfoot around them when they won't make any allowances for you?

Feeling quite cross for you Angry

FetchezLaVache · 17/04/2011 13:26

Consider an adult potty only if DH promises to empty it for you in the morning. Otherwise, just send him on his own and have a weekend of pleasing yourself!

diddl · 17/04/2011 13:48

Is it an old person´s thing-not turning the light on?

When my Dad stays he uses a torch.

I´d much rather he put the light on as then as soon as you open the bedroom door, you kmow that someone is in the bathroom iyswim.

Notwithstanding the fact that we hear him lock the door & flush the toilet!

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/04/2011 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.