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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and too strict??

29 replies

heliumballoons · 17/04/2011 10:33

Please help me - and be honest/ helpful.

I have always been what I now hear people descibe as 'an old fashioned parent'. What I mean is I expect DS (6.8yo) to be respectful of others and basically do as he's told/asked. I don't expect him to like it but I have very few 'rules' and these are for safety and enjoyment for everyone.

But compared to others my friends I come across as really strict, and DS is made to look like a naughty child, when in fact he's probably one of the better behaved, because I impose boundaries and sanctions when he crosses them ignores me. He now also responds very well to 'the look'

It was what happened yesterday that has upset me and made me think.

I went with a friend and our DC's 5,6,& 7 on the train to a country park. The DC's took their bikes. When they were there they could cycle as they pleased, play on the beach bit, we went through the woods etc. DS wanted to paddle which I was fine with. Friend told her dc's no because she had no towel (neither did I) and they had socks and trainers on (so did DS). I just let his feet dry and then brushed them off. She's also a bit of a worrier about them getting dirty whereas I don't.

So my point is I am very laid back when it comes to having fun, being out and about.

So on the way home we have to go through the town a bit and I told DS he had to walk his bike as too many people, risk of hitting them etc and friend tells hers the same. Hers carry on cycling and she halfheartly repeats for them to get off and then almost gives up except for the panicy mind the peoples called out repeatedly.

DS stopped his bike to walk but seeing the others carry on starts to pedal off again. So I went to him, stopped him, explained again why he couldn't cycle through town and made him get off.

Cue this sad looking face.

Get through town and let them ride again and as normal they are told to stay on pavement bit, and off the grass between it and the road. So they all start to race and keep going on grass and told again about pavement and dangers of being near road but they do it again. So I approach DS, ask him what he has done, tells me and I ask him what he was told would happen. He says I have to walk my bike, gets off and then continues to moan and cry about the consequence.

Now this is the bit where I get confused. Friend didn't stop her dc's again.

What should I do? I am really confused. She is my best friend, I don't want to parent like her as she ignores her dc's calling her names and hitting/ kicking her and I never want DS to think this is OK. But should I allow DS to get on with it when we're together? EG when they ignore and carry on should I just let it go if DS copies? I tell DS I do it because I love him and want to keep him safe so he knows why there are boundaries at times. But I really think he doesn't understand why he gets in trouble for fairly trivial things when others do worse and are just allowed to get on with.

WWYD?

OP posts:

HipposGoBeserk · 17/04/2011 10:36

Perhaps pick your battles a littler more carefully when you are with her, but otherwise stick to your guns.

dontcallmepeanut · 17/04/2011 10:37

YANBU. Nor are you being too strict. TBH, I think it soiunds like she could take a leaf out of your book

rubyrubyruby · 17/04/2011 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 17/04/2011 10:39

Sorry but your child blatently ignoring you and doing his own thing is disobedient...why would you want him to continue to do this just because his mates do?

If you want him to copy every errant child going and end up in god knows what sort of trouble then no YANBU....let him raise himself

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 17/04/2011 10:39

No. You should not change your parenting to fit in with others. For a start, you would be massively inconsistant.

On monday you're with Jo so your son is allowed to do X and Y
On tuesday you're with Ben so your son is allowed to do X and Z but not Y
On wednesday you're with Mary so your son is allowed to do Z but not X or Y

Ludicrous. You set the rules for your son based on what you think is acceptable behaviour and leave her to do the same for her children. Make sure you take time to fully explain to your son why you have the rules you do. Give him scenarios. eg the bike, go through what might happen if he ran into a toddler for example.

But don't fanny about with your rules to fit in with a mate. That's daft.

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2011 10:42

He is getting to an age were he can understand that people live differently and by different rules. Parent how you want to, at first i thought that you were going to come across as a control freak but your bounderies are keeping your child safe. Explain that he is not getting into trouble (it is natural to try to copy peers) but he has to follow your rules not your friends. As long as it is backed up by an explanation as to why you are asking him to stop it is fine. It sounds like common sense stuff you are asking of him. Also how your friend parents is up to her, it may work for her family.

nethunsreject · 17/04/2011 10:43

yanbu

foundwanting · 17/04/2011 10:46

If it's any consolation, I find 6-8 years old the hardest age to deal with this issue.

Younger, and they don't question your rules.

Older, and they understand that they are your rules. (Although it doesn't stop the "it's not fair, so-and-so is allowed to ...")

Just keep making it clear that you have your rules in order to keep your DCs and those around them safe, and the message will sink in.

MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 10:46

YANBU!!!
Absolutely not!!!
Your friend is going for the easier life, backing down too quickly to avoid a scene.
I am the same as you. You have standards and stick to them. Trust me, as a secondary school teacher, I can see how you will reap the benefits in years to come...

holyShmoley · 17/04/2011 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 17/04/2011 10:47

YANBU but I share your pain. I often feel like DS is a naughty child but really he is just a normal child of whom we have high expectations for good behaviour. Just remember it is all for their benefit in the long term - we are helping them be polite, pleasant individuals who people do not regard as a spolied pain in the arse.

Original poster

heliumballoons · 17/04/2011 10:47

Thanks thats what I thought, but yesterday is the first time this has upset DS, and I mean really sobbed his heart out. Normally he just does as he's asked, even if others don't, and alls fine.

I had a big chat to him about how disappointed I was in him for continuing, and how he knows I mean what I say.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2011 10:54

What you have just said is a bit different than wanting him to follow your rules. Although i agreed with you i do think that it is not ideal to tell him that you are dissappointed in him, given his age and the fact it is natural to follow other childrens behaviour. Its how you put it across that is important. How you feel towards him should not be dependant on his behaviour.

Goblinchild · 17/04/2011 10:56

You sound as if your parenting is like mine, so of sourse I'm going to say YANBU.
Let your friend parent how she likes without worrying about it, he's your son so you worry about him and not every other child in the vicinity.
My DS is 16 and a lovely teenager.

Hassled · 17/04/2011 10:56

I think a) your concerns re the bike and pedestrians/closeness of the road were absolutely valid and b) you'd said no, you should stick to no.

You will find increasingly that there are all sorts of different approaches to parenting, and it's never as straightforward as one being wrong and one being right. My BF and I are a good example - she's ridiculously laid back about her kids roaming the streets/playing football in the street from a young age, unsupervised. I'm an uptight neurotic cow about stuff like that and would basically prefer my DCs to be by my side at all times. I'm ridiculously laid back about health related issues and basically only take the kids to the doctor if they're bleeding from a major artery, while she's an uptight neurotic cow about health and takes them to the Dr if they look like they might sneeze. We can joke about this - we both know the other's thoughts.

So it's swings and roundabouts; you just have to find an approach that works for you, and it sounds as though you've found one. Stick to your guns.

Original poster

heliumballoons · 17/04/2011 10:56

I was more worried I was hurting DS by being like this than concerns for the way anyone else parents. She my best friend and I respect her decisions and totally understand why she doesn't follow through.

TBH it has been refreshing for me joining MN, I do have an old fashioned parenting style but have come across many on here who share the same values - its great to fel less alone.

OP posts:

rubyrubyruby · 17/04/2011 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild · 17/04/2011 11:00

My DD said that one of the things she liked/likes about my parenting style is I never said 'Because I say so'
I always had a logical reason for any rules and was able to explain if necessary. I also listened and was prepared to reconsider given a good enough reason.

Goblinchild · 17/04/2011 11:00

Xposts rubyrubyruby!

MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 11:03

TBH you'll find he goes through a stage where you embarass the hell out of him, especially being strict. However, I think kids with tough parents on the whole feel as though they know it shows their parents care, especially, if, deep down, they understand why the rules are there.

Original poster

heliumballoons · 17/04/2011 11:06

" he just learn't yesterday that life isn't fair. It's not!"

Yes, probably true, and he's lucky he got to 6 1/2 before he found out.

I agree goblin, I always explain why, and if I realise I don't have a reason then yes it's up for discussion.

OP posts:

OkeeDoeKee · 17/04/2011 11:09

helium I think when discipline is about keeping your children safe (in a non cotton woolly type way) and other people then you were perfectly fine.

I think sometimes with other parents we have to modify a bit and as other people say 'pick your battles'.

Annoyingly my sister does this thing whereby if I tell my boys to stop doing something she will say to her son (only child) 'Don't do that DS. OkeeDooKee doesn't like it' which really p*sses me off. Either you want him to stop being a little brat or you don't but don't make out it's me being unreasonable.

mouseanon · 17/04/2011 11:18

YANBU we all hit a point where we have to explain that we have different rules than other families but our children are our responsibility and have to abide by our rules.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/04/2011 11:33

You have to be clear about your rules and you shouldn't let somebody else's form of parenting influence you BUT...

About riding through town, is that a stock rule or is it depending on whether it's busy? What if your DS were allowed to do it but only on the proviso that if you say 'stop', he stops, for whatever reason? He might understand that better.

Were all the DCs nearby or had they gone a way in front of you? If they are nearby then they're close enough not to cause a nuisance.

Don't judge your parenting standards with others... that way disaster lies. You might think you're strict, others perhaps are stricter over certain things. Try not to label yourself, just parent in the way you think is best without being under or over-prescriptive.

Original poster

heliumballoons · 17/04/2011 11:40

I've never let DS ride through town, if we go its usually at Saturday and thats the busiest day. They tend to ride off in front about 1-200 meters when we're out which I encourage as I think independence and confidence are the greates gifts you can give your child/ren. I also think when there becomes a time its not appropriate they have to learn they can't.

I would love to do the DS 'stop' thing and therefore could relax in places where its slightly busier (but not in town), but he's terrible at it. He will stop immediatly if I say, but 10 seconds later he will be jigging up and down and moving forwards, swinging his arms, probably cycle off again, all the time unaware of people around him. Maybe as he develops the skills to stand still this something I can work in.

OP posts:

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