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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go visting every single Sunday??

36 replies

SequinsAndSparkles · 17/04/2011 10:01

Every single weekend, we go and visit DH's parents and grandparents. Without fail.

They live about half an hour away, and every single Sunday we visit them, or they come here. It's non negotiable.

We usually visit his parents first for an hour or two, they usually want to take DD out, that's fine. Then we go to his Grandparents for another hour or two and then come home and it's time for me to start making dinner, and it leaves time for nothing else really.

Now, I don't mind that we see them every weekend, I love them, and DD loves visiting them. But some days, I just want to stay at home and do the things I need to do, ironing, cleaning, taking my time making dinner etc. Otherwise it's a rush to fit all of these things in the rest of the time. I go usually three weeks out of four, but on the weekends I decide I'd like to stay behind and just get things done, DH's grandparents take it really personally. Surely it's not too much to ask that sometimes I can stay here and get things done in my own time? Surely what's important is that they see DH and DD? I don't get a minute to myself all week, I work part time, look after DD and have to help out my poorly Mum a lot too. And sometimes I'd just like a few hours to sort things out. I'm only staying behind to get some housework done and have dinner started...surely that's not being unreasonable??

OP posts:
diabolo · 17/04/2011 10:02

YANBU - that would drive me insane. Weekends are short enough without having to spend them doing something you don't really want to.

CoffeeDodger · 17/04/2011 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 10:04

Definately not being unreasonable at all. If they take it personally then sorry, tough.

TrillianAstra · 17/04/2011 10:06

Boooooooooooring

ItsGrimUpNorth · 17/04/2011 10:06

You're good. But you have your own life. I'd suggest to them you all go every other or even every third weekend. It's too much.

Are the gps going to complain and pull whipped puppy faces when your dd wants to do other stuff some Sundays when she's older? Make her feel guilty too?

I cannot bear people who make others feel obliged to visit them. Especially as often as this. YANBU. find afrequency of visits that suits you and make sure you, your dh and your dd have enough time alone together.

Pingpong · 17/04/2011 10:06

YANBU In your position I would be making it every other weekend. I think you have been entirely reasonable giving up 3 Sundays out of 4 for however long you have done it.

TrillianAstra · 17/04/2011 10:06

(the requirement to visit the same people every single Sunday - not your thread :))

Original poster
SequinsAndSparkles · 17/04/2011 10:07

Thank goodness, I was really wondering if I was being incredibly rude! And the thing is, I always call them up and explain why I'm not going, say hi and generally have a little catch up.

We get some time as a family on Saturdays, if I'm not working or the football isn't on Hmm

OP posts:
Ambi · 17/04/2011 10:07

YANBU, I hate all that. I work full time, the ILs used to come round 10-5 every Sunday it was so frustrating not to be able to get anything done. it meant I had 1 day a week to do stuff. Luckily it doesn't happen very often anymore.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to spend your time your way.

FabbyChic · 17/04/2011 10:09

You aren't being unreasonable at all, even though you are still doing things at home, it is probably the only respite you get from work and child care.

Try to make it every other weekend rather than just missing one weekend in four.

Phone them and explain to them that things are falling behind at home, and you need the time to catch up on things that you have missed doing during the week.

Original poster
SequinsAndSparkles · 17/04/2011 10:11

Yes Ambi that's exactly what I mean, I'm busy all week trying to fit things in, and then weekends come and I have to either do everything on a Saturday which means I miss out on time with DH and DD or I do it on Sundays. I just see it as they want to see DH and DD really, and if they are going there anyway, it makes sense for me to occasionally be able to stay behind and do the things I need/want to do.

I will speak to DH about the every weekend thing, now that I'm a bit more reassured I'm not being unreasonable. To be honest, I think he'd happily have a weekend off from visiting, but his family can be quite pushy about it. They are lovely though.

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinsAndSparkles · 17/04/2011 10:12

Thanks Fabby that's exactly what it is...it feels like a break for me, even though I spend the time doing housework!

OP posts:
pink4ever · 17/04/2011 10:12

I could have written your post!! For the past 10 years we spend every sunday with inlaws. I hate it. We go about 2pm,stay for dinner and get home about 6pm. Yes it is nice not having to make dinner but its the obligation I resent. If we dont go then mil is on phone moaning(or even crying!ffs!). We are not going todayGrin as our car is broken but when dh phoned to explain she went off on one as she had already cooked the dinner!!. Still moaning even though dh pointed out it would be dangerous and irresponsible to drive with the kids?!.(we cant have them to dinner at ours as simply dont have the space).
Mn has been very good at making me more assertive and I have told dh that it is unreasonable to expect us to go every weekend and that it wont be happening anymore!.

WinkyWinkola · 17/04/2011 10:13

If they get in a strop about your reducing visits then they ate being childish and spoilt. I'd go once a month or so personally.

gillybean2 · 17/04/2011 10:13

Do they not think that your own family should also get to see you/DD on the weekend? Or that you should spend time as a family?

Why is it non negotiable?

Do his parents also go and visit grandparents with dp & dd? If not why does he feel he has to do it every week when they don't do it themselves?
Perhaps suggest to his parents that they come to grandparents too which will save some of the time. Or suggest to Dp that he takes dd after school one day.

Perhaps suggest to your dp that, as family visiting is so important to him, that he should also pop over to your mother's with dd as he's so insistant upon family time on sundays Hmm Or suggest that you want to take dd to your mother's one sunday and he will have to vsit his parents/grandparents alone that week.

IME parents simply don't understand how hard it is to juggle work, home and family life.

Pheebe · 17/04/2011 10:18

Presumably your DH wants to go and see his family once a week. They are, after all, his family too even if you don't really regard them as important components of your family. That said I think you've slipped into a formal arrangement that clearly doesn't work for you but I think you would be unreasonable and unfair to try to limit the time your DH and your kids from spend with them. As someone pointed out, the kids are going to grow up soon and won't want to spend time with the 'old folks' who, incidently, won't be around forever either. Its not a crime to want to spend time with your wider family and too want to see your grandchildren.

All that said I agree EVERY sunday is too much and I would discuss with DH about shaking it up a bit. Perhaps he can take the kids over for tea one night a week, then skip a Sunday and plan a family day instead (home or away, you don't need to justify that).

You need to develop a thicker skin as well. If you want to stay home, just stay home. If they take it personally thats up to them. So long as there's opportunity for your DH and the kids to see them (at a frequency that suits your DH) there's no need for you to feel guilty. Perhaps soften the blow by sending some homemade biscuits or somethig equally twee so its clear you aren't 'rejecting' them.

diddl · 17/04/2011 10:20

How often do you see your parents?

I used to see mine every week, so would it have been fair to me to tell my husband that he couldn´t do the same?

The difference was though, that I didn´t work & they came to me in the week & stayed to say hello to husband when he got in from work.

We offered this to ILs, but they wanted a whole day with their son.

He didn´t, so it was every third weekend for them.

But that was his choice.

AliceWorld · 17/04/2011 10:20

There is no way in the world I would do this.

Also for me the solution would not be to have the rest of the family go round every week whilst you stay at home like the cleaner. You should all get to spend time together and all share the responsibilities of the home. And the extended family should know that you are a unit and they are the extended family. Your terms as a unit and they get used to it.

Horses for courses obvs, but I think the problem is greater than this one thing. It's about asserting you are a unit.

Original poster
SequinsAndSparkles · 17/04/2011 10:23

gilly No his parents don't visit his grandparents! Hardly ever! Despite them living ten minutes from each other. DH's mum and gran (his dad's mum) are very competitive for DH's affection and so they don't like to be around him at the same time, or DD for that matter Hmm They like to have them all to theirselves, even DH who is 24 Hmm His gran still tries to give him pocket money!! Shock (he doesn't take it!)

pink we have also had the crying from MIL, but this was because I didn't visit for three weeks when I was severely ill and had been in hospital. And she wouldn't come and visit me because I'd not made contact, and therefore she'd feel unwelcome.

My family live in the same town, so I often take DD to visit them during the week. But they never take issue with DH not being there, they understand he works long hours and pops by when he can. Not a big deal for them.

Ah, thankyou mumsnet, I can feel myself becoming more assertive Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinsAndSparkles · 17/04/2011 10:25

pheebe did you read the OP properly? I have no problem with DH and DD going every week, I'm very glad for them to do it, as DD loves it. I just don't want to go along with them every week!

OP posts:
Original poster
SequinsAndSparkles · 17/04/2011 10:27

I hope I've made that properly clear, I'm not saying that DD and DH shouldn't go, I'm happy for them to still go! I would just like to stay behind sometimes.

OP posts:
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 17/04/2011 10:29

My Mum used to stay at home sometimes while we went with Dad to our Nans....my DH has always taken my kids to his parents with and without me....YANBU at all!

grovel · 17/04/2011 10:30

YANBU. And I suspect the grandparents will understand (and will enjoy having their DS on his own from time to time).

ItsGrimUpNorth · 17/04/2011 10:34

Oh my. Grown ups crying because someone isn't visiting them. I get this from mil. It's revolting emotional blackmail behaviour. I ignore mil and she doesn't try it on with me anymore.

JingleMum · 17/04/2011 10:42

SequinsandSparkles - YANBU at all!

tell you DH that he can take your DD for a few hours to visit, but you'll be staying in to get on with things and have a bit of time to yourself. It doesn't have to be every week either, just play it by ear, weekends are precious and you want to make sure that the 3 of you have time to yourselves.

maybe one week the 3 of you visit, the second week just DH and DD and the third week none of you visit, you spend the day together.

do your own family get to see you and DD much?