By leaving my kids on their own before and after school

[kazza113]

AIBU or selfish? I currently work 3 days a week and have a nice interesting stimulating job. Ive done the job for the past 12 years which has fitted in perfectly with bringing up my two children. DD 1 is now 13 and DD2 is now 12. However, I've always looked at job websites and have had slight feelings that i've stayed in this job too long and i'd like to stretch myself, learn new skills blah blah blah but until fairly recently have never seen anything that has caught my eye to want to apply for. Until recently that is.

Ive applied for and been offered a job which is in a different field with training. Two hundred and fifty people applied and five people got offered jobs. The job will have higher pay than i'm on now once trained. The downside is i've never done this job before so won't know if I really like it until I do it. I'm also very comfortable in my present job and am worried that if I leave and do the new job i'll regret it. The other big downside is that its an hours drive away and extra hours meaning i'll have to leave my kids an hour before and two hours after school (for three days a week). I feel like this is a big opportunity but i feel scared to leave my little comfort zone that both myself and my family are in. But my kids are getting older and are happy with the thought of me doing it. I may never get this opportunity again, but, I may not like the new job. Nothing ventured nothing gained, or better the devil you know. I'd really like to know what other people think. I'm really struggling to make a decision.

The after school wouldnt be a problem, but I can see the "before" part may be, especially if you have teens who hate getting up in a morning.

If mum isnt there to boot them out of bed, there is a very good chance they will stay in their pits.

What's your gut instinct?

If your kids are sensible , do it.

If im honest a job that you are happy in and that fits in with your dc is like a golden nugget and I wouldnt risk it for the 'unknown'.

Youve done so very well to get the new job though so it proves that you can do the whole interview thing v well.

Do you trust them?

I think that's the most important thing to consider.

I know many kids around that age who are left alone before and after school for a couple of hours. Some cope really well and some have not.

My neighbour's kids started skipping school and there was an awful incident whereby her house got literally smashed up due to the amount of 'friends' they were inviting in, without her knowledge and a fight broke out.

My friend's kids just get on with their homework, chill out and watch TV and sometimes they'll surprise her by having dinner on the table when she gets home!

So it really does depend on the kids themselves I think and the level of trust.

I'd go for it. I think you are more likely to regret not taking it if it's going to be a buzz for you. IMO your kids are big enough to cope with this change. And, change will happen anyway whether you want it or not because your DC will become hormonal teenagers.

Aged 12 I used to travel across the city on the underground by myself every day after school, make myself some food when I got home, did my homework, then waited for my mother to get home.
I'm still alive and I only set the kitchen on fire by accident twice didn't starve.
I'm not sure if I'd been able to get up and out before school on time every morning, though, and with breakfast...

Well done in getting the job.

I think you know your own kids - if they are sensible, and can be trusted to get themselves to school, look after themselves afterwards etc. then I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Do you have friends/neighbours nearby that they can call on if something unexpected comes up, or there is a problem?

They won't be young forever, and ultimately a good career for you is a good thing for your family. Such an opportunity may not come up again.

Does their school have a breakfast club or something like that?

Trouble is I change my mind on a daily basis as to which job I should do. My kids are sensible and get on most of the time. I definitely trust them but can't help but feel that i'll be letting them down by not being here. They however are excited about the thought of getting their own key! I'm also concerned about the school holidays.

No breakfast club at the school unfortunately.

Maybe you could suggest one to the HT - as a concerned parent in light of this?

I don't think the hour before school would be so much of a problem if you make sure they're up and dressed before you leave?

This might mean they have to get up earlier but you're a family and things have to change in order to get better.

Will it really be worth it?
Can you do it without worrying?

Has it got to be now?

How old are your dc's?

My mum made a career change when I was around 14 yo and I would be last to leave the house in the morning, first home. I'd start making dinner for the family since I was first home. It was fine, but at that age, I think you can expect a bit of responsibility. Younger, it probably depends on the children.

However, if you really want the new job, there will be ways to make it work. Yes, it will be scarey, but that's fine, sometimes risk is good. It does sound like it is time to move on. Good luck .

My oldest 2 have to get up a half hour before I leave on schooldays. They are a 10 minute walk from school, so actually need to get up much later than I get them up.

I get them up for a half hour of chat, breakfast, money distribution, have you got whatevers, etc.

I have to go to work, dh is here, but I wouldn't see them otherwise.

They get themselves packed up and have only been late about twice in 3 years (forgotten PE bag, etc).

I have seen that mine have taken total responsibility for organisation. Its been a wonderful evolution, and they are amazed that their friends couldn't cope at weeks away when they had to attend camp lectures/activities.

My advice to you would be to have a frank discussion with your children as to why you need to leave so early. Be honest with them. Let them know that you can only consider this career move now that they are mature enough to cope. Then map out their daily schedule, so that they have a visual picture of where they need to be and at what time, etc. Include your travel time, location, and so on. Build in a coping plan for the days when things go wrong.

That would include you being able to respond to phone calls (ie, you having a bluetooth headset, so that you can safely talk on your journey to work). Having a breakfast together has worked for us, its very sociable, but takes organising the night before.

The upside for me has been that (due to the visual schedule) mine now have a window of opportunity (about 40 minutes) to catch up on stuff. One does 'forgotten' homework, and the other tends to the perfection of image. My less stressed mommy friends fill me in on how relaxed they seem since this routine has started.

Oh, and I am very strict on them leaving together, both involved in the locking up of the house, keys put safely away on their person, etc. They 'experimented' with them leaving separately (ie, the dawdler lagging behind, who was unfortunately the one who wouldn't have locked the door, and so on).

We talked, and talked and talked about how this was, and why it was as it was, and I think it has worked well. My dh is at home, but due to health issues, is more or less, not in a position to help them.

The interesting point for me is that they both have a huge appreciation for safety, and are very careful of keys, etc. They also regularly ask how my day has gone, and when I ask them how their day has been, I now get a real answer.

Whoops, massive reply. Sorry, hope its been helpful

Well done re the job!

What specifically worries you? If it is leaving them unattended, is there anyone you could drop them with for an our before school? Is there an after school club? Can you talk to your employers about some flexi - doing without your lunchbreak?

It's only 3 days a week you would have to leave them - that leaves 2 school days and 2 days at w/e.

It sounds like an excting opportunity - discuss it with them and how you can all work together to meet this new challenge .

I assuume you are a single parent?

is there anyone who could help for soe of the mornings / afternoons?

Humanoctopus really helpful post thanks. Your morning routine sounds very similar to how I imagine our routine would need to be. Do you allow your 2 to watch tv once you leave? i stopped them watching tv in the mornings years ago because it slowed us down so much, but i've been thinking that if I do take the job maybe they could watch tv once i've left in the morning to make the time go quicker.

I really think your girls ought to be capable of this. I would be a bit more hesitant if it was every day, but you will have two days when you can spend more time which is my main concern.

Get into an evening routine where they make sure their clothes and whatever else they need is all ready for the next morning, make sure there are easy breakfast options. I'd also talk to their teachers and ask them to let you know if they start getting to school late.

Do it do it. They will be grown up before you know it and you will be so grateful for a fulfilling career.

Hi Blu I do have a DH but he's always worked long hours and will have left before I leave in the morning and get back after me. My main worries are, leaving them on their own and school holidays, the travelling, not enjoying the job and regretting leaving my comfort zone of a job that I have now. I feel a bit panicky when I think of it, but also excited.

Thanks alarkaspree you talk a lot of sense. Can you be my life coach please!!

Yes I do allow tv before they leave!

Three years down this road, and I've totally extinguished any thoughts of mozart while they do each others hair before school!

I have an alarm clock in the tv room. Its set to go off at 15 minutes before they need to leave. Its very annoying and cannot be ignored. If you get into trouble with them watching tv until they are late, you could get a timer switch that would power off, etc., but I much prefer the [gentle] reminder of the alarm clock.

I too took a huge leap of faith into a weird evolution of my current job. Its been wonderful. In my previous job, i could do it blindfolded, drunk and asleep. Yes, I was great at it, but was, in reality, bored and that's not good.

Chat with your children about how excited you are about starting something new. Think about how it will put into their heads that one can change to something else throughout life. I bet they will be really proud of you.

Hi cat64. My girls sound more like your dd1. They are fairly sensible. i've left them before for an hour or two and the odd morning during the school holidays. I think its because its the regularity of leaving them that is worrying me really and the school holidays. I do feel fairly bored by my current job but not unhappy. If this new job hadn't come up i'm sure I would still be doing it for a while to come.

I would stick with your current job. I think kids that age need someone home. Mine would probably kill each other even though on the whole they get on great, when they argue, they argue!! Too much to lose if you chance it and don't like it.