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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not invite my mum to my wedding?

42 replies

travispickles · 16/04/2011 22:22

I have been engaged for two years and have an 11 week old baby. I would like to have a naming ceremony for the baby, as well as getting married when I lose the weight eventually. However, my mum (who I suspect to have NPD) and dad split up a few years ago and their divorce came through recently. Dad left her - in some ways understandably, as she can be a bully and is very unpredictable in her behaviour - and is now happily living with his new partner. Mum has made no effort to move on, and spends most of her time veering between self-pitying misery and rage aimed at either my dad's new partner or me and my sisters for the fact that we still speak to dad. Due to the unpredictable nature of her moods, I don't feel that I could invite her and my dad with his partner to either my wedding or the naming ceremony. I love my dad and don't want to not invite him, and I don't want to deeply offend my mum by making her the only one not invited, but I wouldn't enjoy any of it with the anxiety of having her there. AIBU to perhaps invite her to the naming ceremony (without dad) but not the wedding? Or is that just going to result in everyone being offended? What are my options? (First timer so be kind!)

OP posts:

beesimo · 16/04/2011 22:29

What is NPD ?

AgentZigzag · 16/04/2011 22:29

I would guess at your mum being deeply hurt if your exclude her from your wedding, especially if your dad and his new P are going.

It might mean a bit more anxiety on the important day, but what would it be like afterwards if you didn't give her an invite?

You're going to have to explain to both your parents that this is your familys day and they need to put anthing between them aside for you.

Possibly say that if anyone starts sniping they'll be asked to leave? Although that might not be a good ideas as it's implying you're expecting trouble, which you are, but they won't like you saying it.

Ignore everything (within reason, don't ignore the glass of wine offered because that'd be silly ) and focus on your lovely family.

pigletmania · 16/04/2011 22:31

narcissistic personality disorder?

squeakytoy · 16/04/2011 22:31

Why not just invite your parents and politely ask your father to leave his partner at home. Your mother should have priority over your fathers new girlfriend.

exoticfruits · 16/04/2011 22:31

Have you got another relative who can keep her under control?

chocadoodle · 16/04/2011 22:31

Why would you not invite your Dad to your DD's naming ceremony? He hasn't done anything wrong by the sound of it.

If you are entirely happy with your Dad and his new partner you should invite them both to your wedding and the naming ceremony.

If it is just your Mum who you think is the problem then it is only her you need to make a decision about. Are you able to sit down with her and tell her you'd really like her to be there, but you're worried about how she will behave? If this makes her angry than I think you would be better off not inviting her but at least you'll have proven your point as to why.

If she convinces you that she won't spoil the occasion, could you recruit a member of your family to be with her all the time and make sure that if she does cause any trouble they can swiftly get her away for you?

munstersmum · 16/04/2011 22:32

Sorry but any mum is going to be v unhappy not to be invited to wedding & / naming ceremony. Doesn't mean she has a right to be invited though. Have a friend who has tricky relationship with her mum so had wedding overseas with only few close friends. Suspect this type of thing is behind many beach weddings.

JaneS · 16/04/2011 22:33

Well, firstly congratulations!

Imo, no point inviting her to one but not the other - she'll be furious and offended and it'll kick off.

I do have sympathy as my mum is a right pain too and in a way I wish I hadn't had her at my wedding - but then again, she is my mum and she would have been gutted. The only way you might get away with it, I think, would be to do a tiny private wedding ceremony for just you and your DH-to-be and witnesses - if you do anything else and invite your dad but not her, you're going to upset her a lot.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I think what it comes down to is: do you actually want her in your life? If no, then don't invite her to either and accept you've cut your losses. If yes, or even if you just don't think you can see through cutting her out of your life, I can't see how excluding her from your wedding and inviting your dad would bring you anything but more grief. Especially if she knows that, in the UK, you can't ban someone from a wedding ceremony.

I don't mean to come across as mean - there's no perfect answer here.

chocadoodle · 16/04/2011 22:34

Sorry, only just seen Piglet's explanation as to what NPD is.

About recruiting a relative though, that could still be a good idea.

greenbananas · 16/04/2011 22:34

Oh dear, that sounds like a very difficult situation.

What sort of a wedding are you planning. The smaller the wedding, the more likely you are to 'get away' with not inviting key members of our family. (My own personal choice would have been just me and DH and witnesses plucked from the street, although it did end up being a bit more involved than that).

Somebody will probably be offended whatever you decide - so simply do whatever you think best. Hope it all goes well.

BiscuitNibbler · 16/04/2011 22:34

I think you're right, munstersmum. This is the reason I married in Vegas.

greenbananas · 16/04/2011 22:35

('your', not 'our' - sorry for typos)

Janoschi · 16/04/2011 22:40

You could be describing my mother and my family relationships here! She was a violent, abusive mother as I was growing up (and still can be at times!) and I debated for ages about inviting her to my wedding but in the end I did, reasoning there were enough people to keep her occupied and the space was large enough for both parents to keep away from each other. So, a largish wedding would be easier stress-wise than a sit-down dinner for 6, say.

My mother has serious mental health issues but she remains in denial (it's always everyone else's fault) so leaving her out wouldn't have taught her anything. It would've given her a lot more ammunition against me though.

In the end it panned out fine, apart from a needy clinginess at the beginning and end.

Good luck!

springydaffs · 16/04/2011 22:43

Impossible to say how things really stand between your mum and dad, even if you've lived with them, from what you say. Sometimes what looks like the bullied is actually the bully - impossible to say what way round it could be with your parents. She sounds very vulnerable, struggling to cope with the end of her marriage and the new woman on the scene, plus what she sees as disloyalty from her children - to not invite her to your wedding would be extremely painful for her (I would be slaughtered if my daughter did this). 'Offended' doesn't come into it. Her divorce has just been finalised and, if the divorce was not what she wanted, she will be feeling very vulnerable anyway at the moment. You seem to be blaming your mum for everything and wanting to move on without her - have you got that right?

I'd say wait a bit, now's not the time to be having any big ceremonies that would involve your parents in the same room, particularly with the OW there. Have a heart OP!

beesimo · 16/04/2011 22:52

pigletmania

Thank your, round her we would say she was a right bitch who lived up her on backside.

OP if she is going to spoil your day don't invite her she'll have to reap what shes sown.

I honestly can't get my head round all these syndromes and disorders on MN people should be encouraged to behave properly not given a 'licence' to be rotten to others.

beesimo · 16/04/2011 22:54

own not on backside

JaneS · 16/04/2011 22:56

beesimo, I do know what you mean about people sometimes 'diagnosing' conditions on here when they can't possibly know ... but I'd take issue with you saying people should be encouraged to behave properly. I know with my mum, that no amount of 'encouragement' is going to work. You can't make her behave except by playing exactly to her rules. You can call that her being a bitch or you can call it 'condition x', but if you met her you'd see that it isn't about her not having been 'encouraged' enough, honestly.

MadamDeathstare · 16/04/2011 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

travispickles · 16/04/2011 23:05

I know - I am not able to diagnose my mother, although she ticks a lot of boxes that describe NPD. She emotionally abused us as children, and all 3 of her daughters now have anxiety disorders as a result of the constant threats, humiliation, unpredictability, beatings etc. Obviously she has now rewritten history so that none of it happened (or if it did it was because we were difficult children and she didn't get enough support blah blah). When asked by a friend the other day what I feared would happen, I tried to imagine and couldn't although the thought of being there made me feel panic. When i asked my DP what he thought she would do, he said either making comments that everyone else would feel uncomfortable about or (probably worse still) act as if her and my dad were still together. Agonising.

OP posts:

beesimo · 16/04/2011 23:12

LittleRedDragon

I am sorry if you are having a rotten time with your Mam but honestly when you say you have to play exactly to her rules I just think what your doing is giving her all the 'power' and nobody deserves or is entitled to have power over the rest of their family. They get power mad and ruin the lives of others, it is awful to think OP should have to worry her Mam might ruin her wedding.

JaneS · 16/04/2011 23:12

travis, that wasn't a dig at you at all from me, hope that's clear.

It comes across pretty clearly from your posts that no amount of you asking her to behave nicely, or trying to shame her into it, is going to guarantee that she will do so. I do understand the panic feelings, too.

My mum is a bit similar, and I did have an agreement with my brothers that if she really kicked off they'd get her out - but to be honest (and I know it's probably not what you want to hear), I don't see how they could have done any better than they did. You can escort someone out of an event like a wedding without people noticing and by the time they've started kicking off the damage is done.

How do you feel about your other guests? Your dad and sisters presumably won't be shocked by her, can other friends be pre-warned and asked to help you out by turning a blind eye?

GiddyPickle · 16/04/2011 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 16/04/2011 23:15

I think not inviting her to your wedding or your baby's naming day could/would be tantamount to severing the relationship you have with her entirely. If that's something you are willing to accept as a consequence, then go ahead. You won't be the first or the last to use an occasion to make a point, and it's not always a bad thing.

However, in this instance, I would certainly have a bash at calming her down before hand. You clearly went through the mill as a child and I don't think anyone would think you unreasonable if you did decide that no contact was the best way to go, but you need to be sure that's something you really want, not just something you feel is appropriate given what's happened in the past.

JaneS · 16/04/2011 23:15

bee - I'm not sure this is the place to get into it, but I didn't say I played to my mum's rules. I said that unless I did that, she will invariably kick off. I know that because there have been many times when I've tested the theory.

I'm sure travis can judge for herself if her mum is someone from whom decent behaviour can be obtained somehow - threats, promises, an ultimatum - or if she's simply not. If the latter, she really is in a horrible situation and it won't feel any better for people telling her that if she only did something different her mum would behave better.

ilythia · 16/04/2011 23:16

I am convinced my father has NPD and he is a horribly abusive man as well. I did not invite him to my wedding. I told people who still speak to him that he was not welcome and had BIL ready to run interference should he show up. My day, my decision, and DH was 100% behind me.

We hadn't spoken for a year before that and haven't spoken since, btu that's all good tbh.

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