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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my mum to my wedding?

42 replies

travispickles · 16/04/2011 22:22

I have been engaged for two years and have an 11 week old baby. I would like to have a naming ceremony for the baby, as well as getting married when I lose the weight eventually. However, my mum (who I suspect to have NPD) and dad split up a few years ago and their divorce came through recently. Dad left her - in some ways understandably, as she can be a bully and is very unpredictable in her behaviour - and is now happily living with his new partner. Mum has made no effort to move on, and spends most of her time veering between self-pitying misery and rage aimed at either my dad's new partner or me and my sisters for the fact that we still speak to dad. Due to the unpredictable nature of her moods, I don't feel that I could invite her and my dad with his partner to either my wedding or the naming ceremony. I love my dad and don't want to not invite him, and I don't want to deeply offend my mum by making her the only one not invited, but I wouldn't enjoy any of it with the anxiety of having her there. AIBU to perhaps invite her to the naming ceremony (without dad) but not the wedding? Or is that just going to result in everyone being offended? What are my options? (First timer so be kind!)

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 16/04/2011 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
travispickles · 16/04/2011 23:22

I just know she will hijack the day, as everything is always about her.

OP posts:
ilythia · 16/04/2011 23:22

I wasn'r clear, sorry, that's what I meant, my father was horrible and this was the final statement (if you like) that I Did Not Need Him. When you make the decision, be aware of how final it is. But I wish you well in whatever you decide.

Original poster
travispickles · 16/04/2011 23:23

Anyone else done the small wedding abroad?

OP posts:
beesimo · 16/04/2011 23:38

LittleRedDragon

Sorry if what I said upset you, my DM used to say 'everyone knows the best way to control a bucking horse except the one holding the reins' I meant you no harm.

Hope things get better for you.

Beesimo

ILoveTheSunToo · 17/04/2011 00:16

You have my sympathies. I had a small christening for my two as there had been a huge bust-up between me, my mum and dh when boys were small (feud still ongoing four years later will post about it at some point!). Anyway, a small gathering was intentional so that it was only immediate family and v close friends who were there, so that if anything did kick off (and Mum tried as hard as she could with verging-on-sarcastic comments in the speeches, and extra-loud snide comments), the only witnesses would be people I wouldn't feel judged by. There were some more distant friends I would have liked to invite but I'm so glad I didn't - oh the shame! But it's probably one of the reasons we haven't got wed yet, and have been considering a quickie abroad!

I think sadly you can't choose your family but you can choose whether or not you want them in your life: not inviting her, especially without talking to her first, will probably really hurt her, but will get your message across loud and clear.

MadameCastafiore · 17/04/2011 00:20

I didn;t invite my sister and it caused a huge rift in the family so I would say go ahead and invite your other but with a family member who is responsible for eeping her under control - make sure she doesn;t ahve the opportunity to make a speech though - went to a wedding years ago where the brides mum had run off with the brides dad's cousin - he wished them many happy years but ended with the quote 'But no matter how much you love each other and how many happy years you have spent together and hw many lovely children you have you never really know that persn and what they are prepared to do to you!'

Half of the guests choked on their wine - marriage ended with bride getting lots of tattoos and a boob job and leaving her very pleasant husband for a bit of a chancer!

alarkaspree · 17/04/2011 00:26

I think not inviting her will be more trouble than it's worth. Even if you're prepared to cut her entirely out of your life that's not going to happen overnight - unless you think she will be very hurt and never contact you again, but that doesn't seem likely to me. More probably she will harrass you about it and cause you a lot of stress.

So I'd go ahead and invite her, and have one or two close friends (if you have childhood friends there who know her, they are ideal) with responsibility for keeping an eye on her and distracting her.

AuntiePickleBottom · 17/04/2011 08:11

you have not even set a date yet, so your mums behaviour towards your dad could change within a year.

i would just see how her moods go

SpringFollows · 17/04/2011 08:23

Beesimo that's a great quote from your DM. I am going to take that.

travis congratulations on your happy news and occasions. :) I sympathise but have no advice though for your predicament. I once had a 'friend' who was a diagnosed NPD but refused treatment as it was always someone else's fault for being 'vile' to her and she was a complete and utter nightmare.

Happymm · 17/04/2011 08:29

Had this with my DM. Did invite, she did't kick off, but did try to pull my dad-after being divorced for 15years, in front of my SM,patience of a saint that women! She also got pissed fell up some stairs and threw up-though blamed the lamb we had for dinner!:o

iscream · 17/04/2011 08:46

Your mum may feel better by the time you set a date. She may even have a new man herself. I think what springydaffs wrote sums up my thoughts. Would your mum have acted badly at your wedding if there had been no divorce?

Maybe in 6 months, have a trial, maybe a family reunion type of thing and invite them both and see how it affects her?

Wormshuffler · 17/04/2011 08:53

My DB got married abroad just him his wife and their kids, for this kind of reason. I was devestated as his sister to have not been invited to be honest, but it was their choice. If you invite your Dad but not your Mum then YABU.

confuddledDOTcom · 17/04/2011 11:05

It has to be your decision but obviously you need to decide if the fall out is worth it.

A couple of suggestions for you.

First invite her but put the week after on the date. If she's behaving and you feel you can cope with her apologise about the "printing error" and tell her the right date.

Second if you want to go ahead and invite her, don't have a top table. Have a table for two (I think they call them a sweetheart table?) or four to include your best man and chief bridesmaid or bigger to include your DC. Make the three "sets" of parents hosts of three tables and make sure your parents are opposite ends of the room with people who understand your mum on her table and possibly on surrounding tables as much as possible.

JaneS · 17/04/2011 11:07

bee - just seen your last post. Please don't worry - if anything, I worried I was coming across as rude, which I didn't mean to. I just wanted to put my point of view across to make travis and anyone else reading feel they're not alone if they find they can't make their mum/dad/whoever behave properly - it is strange I agree, but I spent an awful long time thinking it must be that if only I did x,y or z it would work and she'd finally be ok, and it was a great relief to give up on that and decide no bloody thing I did would ever change her! Smile

It just sounds from what travis has said that this isn't a normal person having a bad reaction to her marriage breaking down - it's more than that. I don't know, obviously!

Anyway, you didn't need to apologize at all.

travis - not done the small wedding abroad but there are loads of articles about them in wedding magazines, they are really popular! You could go somewhere lovely and romantic.

AuntiePickleBottom · 17/04/2011 11:18

www.thomascook.com/holidays/weddings/

i hope this link answers some of the questions about getting married abroad.

Janoschi · 17/04/2011 11:49

I know - I am not able to diagnose my mother, although she ticks a lot of boxes that describe NPD. She emotionally abused us as children, and all 3 of her daughters now have anxiety disorders as a result of the constant threats, humiliation, unpredictability, beatings etc. Obviously she has now rewritten history so that none of it happened (or if it did it was because we were difficult children and she didn't get enough support blah blah)

TravisPickles, do we have the same mother??? It's spooky!

I agree, I'm told repeatedly by helpful but unknowing friends that I just need to encourage and educate my mum into behaving better. It's pointless. You either cope with the behaviour or you walk away, but there's no 'training' option to improve things. My mum also had 3 daughters and we all suffered either eating disorders or self harm. We all also considered suicide as teenagers and my Dad one day thought seriously about driving off a flyover and killing himself to avoid going home. It's not about being a bit moody, it's much deeper. And it's hard to forgive and move on without any acknowledgment from the person who caused the trauma. After speaking to various health professionals, I was told my mum seems to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't have this confirmed because my mum insists there's nothing wrong with her, but it helps me to feel the abuse wasn't just appalling behaviour but maybe had a medical reason....

Back to the wedding, I say you should invite your father and his partner. They seem to be blameless in this and shouldn't be made to miss out just because they're nice people. And invite your mother too but tell her about your dad to give her the option of backing out.

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