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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my mum for this?

46 replies

Moulesfrites · 16/04/2011 20:44

I gave birth to ds 12 weeks ago and am planning on being on mat leave for a year, then returning full time. Dh is going to go part time to look after ds and he will go to nursery the other days. I was talking to my friend from work the other day and apparently my boss has applied for another job, which means her position will be vacant if she is successful. I mentioned this in passing to my mum, who then asked if I would be going for it.

I feel upset that my mum would even think this was a possibility for me. It is an incredibly stressful role. I do not feel I have sufficient experience or skills yet to do the job, and when I do return to work I want to be able to spend time when I am not at work with ds, which will be hard enough in my ordinary job, never mind the position in question. I feel that my family are my priority and there will be plenty of time in the future to progress in my career as I am 27, and according to the daily mail, will probably have go work until I am 80 anyway! I am thinking about having a second dc in the next 2/3 year and then maybe going part time, so applying for this post is so not even on my radar, and I was shocked when my mum even suggested it - she is so supportive but I feel weirdly upset by the fact that our ideas are so far apart. Tbf I dont think she realizes how demanding this role would be and how run into the ground I would be if I took it on....

I think I am just feeling sensitive about the whole work issue tbh, and as if i am being pulled in different directions - my pil are funny about me going back to work at all....

Pleas talk some sense into me as this has quite upset me and I'm not sure why....

OP posts:
TeddyMcardle · 16/04/2011 20:46

I think you said it yourself when you say she doesn't realise what the role entails. A thoughtless comment perhaps but no big deal :)

seeksnewnamewithgsoh · 16/04/2011 20:46

You're upset with your mum because she thinks you can do a job higher up the ladder?

Confused
pudding25 · 16/04/2011 20:47

She sounds like she was saying you should go for it as she thinks you are very capable at your job and that it was meant as a compliment. She probably has no idea how stressful a job it would be and is just thinking about the fact that you might get a payrise! Don't stress about it. As you said, you are feeling sensitive about going back to work.

rubyslippers · 16/04/2011 20:47

I would have taken it as a compliment actually

She feels you are capable surely?

I think you are over analysing

As for your PILs being funny about you going back to work, it's not really their business is it? I assume they arent goiong to pay your mortgage?

LowRegNumber · 16/04/2011 20:47

All she did was ask or did she go on at you about it?

If she just asked then YABU.

If she went on at you then she clearly does not understand how you are feeling.

You need to reconcile yourself with your choices, none of them are bad so you have nothing to feel bad about., Once you accept that and feel strong about it things like this will not hurt so much - of course that is not easy with a young baby to deal with! Please try to feel confident in what you are doing, it sounds like a great set up!

GloriaSmut · 16/04/2011 20:47

"Tbf I dont think she realizes how demanding this role would be and how run into the ground I would be if I took it on...."

I think this is your answer. She actually doesn't realise the impracticality of taking this role and I suspect merely thought you might like promotion. Which is not an unreasonable assumption to make.

Rosieeo · 16/04/2011 20:49

Well yes, you are being really over sensitive. She just asked a question and you're right, she probably doesn't realise how demanding the role is. I don't think it was a judgement on you, if that's what your worried about?

You're just upset at the thought of going back to work, something I think most women are, especially if your DS is only 12 weeks old. So it's understandable! But don't worry about it, just explain to her how demanding it would be and she'll probably backtrack pretty rapidly.

shakey1500 · 16/04/2011 20:49

My sister has worked in the same place for 11 years and our mum STILL hasn;t got the foggiest what she does. maybe your mum also doesn't realise how YOU feel about the role etc. As a pp said, if it was a passing comment then yes YABU, she obviously thinks it's within your realm etc. Take it as a misguided compliment.

FattyAcid · 16/04/2011 20:49

Your reaction is a bit odd tbh. I'm sure your mum doesn't know as much about the role as you do, or as much about what your priorities are as you do! She's not makingyou go for the job so what's the problem in talking about it as an option?

Vallhala · 16/04/2011 20:51

You're upset because your mother dares credit you with being capable of achieving promotion into a more senior position?

Really?

She wasn't telling you to apply, she merely asked if you were going to. That suggests to me that she thinks you're smart enough to do it.... and you're offended by that? Hmm

Nope, sorry, I don't understand. Seems to me she was being supportive of you in crediting you with brains and ability and not just assuming that you are no longer able to be a professional in your field just because you've had a baby.

Now, if she'd indicated that you couldn't or shouldn't do the job since you;re now a mother I'd understand why you were upset.

TidyDancer · 16/04/2011 20:52

I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing the problem here. Are you really upset because your mum speculated you might apply for promotion?

Firawla · 16/04/2011 20:52

yabu she was only asking!

DaisySteiner · 16/04/2011 20:54

Talk about oversensitive! Or is there more to it?

emsyj · 16/04/2011 20:58

Your mum just made a passing comment as she assumed you would like a promotion. She has no idea what the job would be like, as you have stated yourself.

Why are you upset, really? Is it because you would actually quite like the promotion but don't feel you can really take it on, and that frustrates you?

jojowest · 16/04/2011 21:02

i think you are being unreasonable

TidyDancer · 16/04/2011 21:05

Reading between the lines, are you upset to be going back full time, or possibly that you feel you can't apply for promotion, but that you want to? Your reaction must be coming from somewhere, and I can't believe it's really from your mum's comment.

smokinaces · 16/04/2011 21:07

It would be a natural conversation wouldnt it?
"so and so at work is leaving"
"oh really? you going for their job?"
"nah, cant be bothered/too much work/dont want to etc"

nothing wrong with the conversation at all? YABU she wasnt suggesting you were or werent any good at your job or anything, she simply enquired as you brought up your boss leaving, maybe she wondered why you told her?

seeksnewnamewithgsoh · 16/04/2011 21:07

Are you upset being really, you'd like to be going part time instead of going from a year at home with DS to being out 5 days a week?

YABU for reading the Daily Mail.

But I'm still Confused about why your mum asking if you might apply for a promotion is a reason to get upset.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/04/2011 21:07

I think you should put it down to hormones! Save this thread and read it again in a years time and you will wonder who wrote it!!

If you snapped at her, you owe her an apology :)

She has no idea what additional time/stress this job would be and probably thought (as I did when I read it), that if you are going to be there, you might as well be earning as much as you can and progressing up the ladder while you're about it - but that's an initial reaction, of course if you were genuinely asking me what you should do, I'd ask a lot more questions before saying what I thought.

I understand you not being keen if it will keep you in the office longer or mean you have to work evenings at home or whatever

You shouldn't let subsequent pregnancies hold you back from applying though.

I think what this indicates is that you need to take another look at your decision. It doesn't matter what you decided to do before you had your baby - things change. Is this still what you want to do/what's best for your family.

My friend and her DH both went to 4 days and their DS goes to a CM the other 3 days - they both enjoy having a day on their own with their DS and feel that 3 days with the CM is a reasonable compromise to have to (almost) full time wages coming in.

As for your PIL - don't worry about them, this is your life, not theirs. I don't know if they are just sniffy inlaws or if they think it would be nice if their DH earned enough to enable you to stay home with the baby (the way things were in their day), or maybe they see that you are not entirely happy with your decision - I don't know, I don't know them. But I do sense you aren't happy with the plan.

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 16/04/2011 21:08

I think its more that I am worried that my pils disapprove of me for working, my mum will disapprove of me for not going for promotion,so whatever I do will bender be the right thing. Is this what motherhood is like?

I think I just need to be toughen up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moulesfrites · 16/04/2011 21:08

Never be! Not bender!

OP posts:
seeksnewnamewithgsoh · 16/04/2011 21:11

couple of x posts there.

Smokin, I can see it now

"My daughter told me that there's a promotion coming up at work. She'd be perfect for it, and I think it's about time her workplace recognise her talents. But she's upset with me for even thinking it. What did I do wrong? AIBU?"

Georgimama · 16/04/2011 21:14

Yes you do need to toughen up. What about that off the cuff comment, which she probably made as a conventional reply to you mentioning that someone senior at work was leaving, made you think she disapproves of you?

As for your PIL, do they actually disapprove or have you applied similar standards of sensitivity to their views as your mother's? Perhaps they think it is unfair on you that their son gets to work PT and you work FT. Who knows? And more importantly, who cares?

mamatomany · 16/04/2011 21:16

there will be plenty of time in the future to progress in my career as I am 27

You would be amazed how untrue that statement is and how much harder it is to work with school aged children

FlamingJamie · 16/04/2011 21:17

I agree with the others, especially Chipping.

Another thought: I wonder if you feel upset because you are putting undue pressure on yourself - you think maybe you ought to want to apply for the job and are feeling funny about the fact that you might not actually want to.

And motherhood is a bit like this. No matter what you are doing a little voice tells you it might not be the "right" thing. Make your peace with your decisions, and then nothing anyone else will say - whatever their intention in saying it - will matter a jot to you.

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