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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that ill mannered older people shouldn't take precedence over youth

93 replies

MollieO · 16/04/2011 19:07

Queuing in garden centre this afternoon with 6 yr old ds and trolley. We were next in the queue to be served when a till became free. Before ds could push his trolley to the till (about 2m) an elderly couple pushed past and got to the till first.

I pointed out that we were next to be served. The lady said that she only had one jar (if she had asked to go in front of us I would have probably said yes). I replied that she should have asked us. Then she said that she was disabled (walking with two sticks). I pointed out that my elderly disabled mother (who also has two sticks and is very infirm) was waiting for us.

I said that I thought she lacked manners in pushing past us. She muttered something. I asked her to repeat what she had said.

She said that because ds was a child he "didn't matter" and she had the right to go in front of him!

I thought but did not say WTF. The two till assistants stood there open mouthed.

I did say that I thought she should learn some manners. Poor ds was actually quite upset at how dismissive she was of him.

I'm all for respecting elders but I do think that this isn't automatic. I wonder what this lady would have said if ds had pushed in front of her?

OP posts:

xstitch · 17/04/2011 15:11

Well said pally The alternative is to be treated like dirt a lot. While being rude yourself is never acceptable neither should you have to accepted people being either rude or nasty to you.

bemybebe · 17/04/2011 15:22

That is ok pally everyone is different. I pick my battles and I would never be standing having a shouting match over whos is next in the queue. Not exactly the matter of life and death. I do not think it means I am 'a pushover'.

Incidentally, OP did not get what she wanted anyway (she was served later despite her best efforts) and she was fuming enough to come to mumsnet to rant about it later in the day and all over what - a place in a stupid queue? Not a very productive way to use ones resources methinks. I may be wrong of course.

Original poster

MollieO · 17/04/2011 15:38

No my 'rant' was about this person's rudeness. If she had apologised and said that she hadn't seen me, Ds and our trolley or even said would I mind if she went first I would have left it. Instead she was plain rude in her initial behaviour and extremely rude in her additional comments.

If I came on MN and said I'd met your child and they were silly, didn't matter and shouldn't be considered at all I wonder what you'd say? I'm nearly 50 so probably one of the older MNetters. Is it okay for me to be rude to all the many of you whom are younger than me?

She directed her comments to me but they were ABOUT MY DS. I'm really amazed that some posters think it is acceptable for others to be rude to their dcs?I assume those posters must think it is also acceptable for their dcs to be rude to others. I can't agree with that at all and that isn't the way I choose to raise my child.

I should add that it was not a shouting match at all. I didn't raise my voice. I am perfectly eloquent enough to get my point across with my choice of words, not the volume.

OP posts:

bemybebe · 17/04/2011 15:46

Mollie that is ok, as I said I would not start this 'discussion' of yours or whatever you call your encounter.

I just do not think it is worth getting all worked up over it. It is not acceptable to be rude about anyone and the old lady should not have been, but I have seen too many times people at each others' throats over pathetic issues such as the right to have your pots checked out next and it makes me laugh.

Original poster

MollieO · 17/04/2011 15:50

bemybabe I've realised now. Was it your mother?!

OP posts:

beesimo · 17/04/2011 15:58

Nearly every time a lad gets glassed in a pub its because of 'pushing in' I think any Mam that makes a big deal of the issue when they are little is a stupid fool.

As for 'allowing' people to be rude to my bairns I couldn't care less if some random stranger is 'rude' and neither could they. Hopefully I have reared them with enough self worth not to turn a hair at stupid pathetic behaviour such as 'pushing in' Frankly OP and others we laugh at them are my clan bovvered NO!!!

bemybebe · 17/04/2011 15:59

Absolutely NO My mum would never have done anything like that.

bemybebe · 17/04/2011 15:59

And neither would I for that matter...

FlamingJamie · 17/04/2011 16:03

OP - what happened was unacceptable and annoying but I'm really uncomfortable about you making this about her age. Whenever anyone posts about a negative event involving an elderly person, people start citing occasions when an old person was rude to them and before you know it assumptions start being made about old people being rude, old bags etc etc. No-where else on MN is it deemd acceptable to make generalisations like this - I know it's not you doing it here but there's this undercurrent of an "us and them" mentality about any confrontation which just happens to be with an old person - on buses etc.

I personally think, having worked with elderly people that they are some of the most voiceless, socially disadvantaged in society. Ageist assumptions and abuse are rife. Not all of them are lovely of course so I an't have it both ways, I know ....

She was rude, and you were right to be upset about what she said about your son. I just wanted to make my point about this

Original poster

MollieO · 17/04/2011 16:34

I didn't make it about her age, she did. She said that because ds was a child he didn't matter. There are rude people of all ages but in this instance she was elderly as I said probably the same age as my mum (who witnessed part of it and couldn't believe what she saw).

I'm in one of those minorities that people are disparaging about but I don't assume that negative comments about someone identified in the same category apply to me too. If I thought that then my OP would apply to my mother who is elderly and disabled (but fortunately not ill mannered).

It has been interesting to read the different views here. My reflective view is that a misplaced sense of entitlement is wrong whatever the age .

OP posts:

FlamingJamie · 17/04/2011 16:56

You're right, she did make it about age in this instance. Maybe a bad example to get on my hobby-horse about .........

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 17/04/2011 16:59

How I hate the "I am old therefore the rules don't apply" brigade. YANBU

xstitch · 17/04/2011 17:33

I have heard a lot of people say I can't wait until I am old so I can be rude to people. Disgusting attitude. People aren't complaining about older people only people who have the attitude that they can do what they like, be rude etc because they are older.

chickchickchicken · 17/04/2011 17:58

OP - you mentioned 'older' in your title. are you sure you werent inviting an ageist bashing again?

yes, she was very wrong and very rude. i cannot understand why you bothered confronting her tbh. surely you can teach ds good manners without needing to confront strangers?

also, you said ds had a trolley...but he is 6? a childs trolley?

as she was walking with two sticks why didnt you offer for her to go before you? you said if she asked you would have said yes so why not offer and teach your ds good manners this way

Becaroooo · 17/04/2011 18:02

YANBU.

The so-called manners of some elderly people are really bad.

There is a lot of talk about the "sense of entitlement" that some members of society are percieved to have........the elderly are the worst offenders for this IMO.

Original poster

MollieO · 17/04/2011 18:30

Chick it was a normal garden centre flat trolley. I didn't see her behind me as I was looking at the people in front of us in order to know when they had finished and to help ds lift up the plants to the till go be scanned. The plants were his grandma's and he had helped her by pushing the trolley and getting plants for her to look at and select. He is an incredibly kind and helpful child (when grandma was having a rest at the centre he went up to a 3 yr old and offered to push him on the tractor, which was on gravel and too difficult for this child to pedal).

She had two sticks but was very mobile with them and walked the same speed as I could walk without sticks (normal pace).

I'm not going to post on this thread again. I fully agree that not all older people are like this, but this woman was.

OP posts:

marmaladetwatkins · 17/04/2011 18:35

This is how it works for me: I merit old people with automatic respect because they are older than I am. All old people start off with, say, 50 respect credits.

If they are a bit rude, I deduct ten points. This means not smiling at them or saying good morning/afternoon if they've cut in front of me in the bus queue without so much as a do you mind.

Further ten points deducted for more serious rudeness. This means I will not let them push in the queue and i might even go "pfffft" under my breath when they try it.

Further points deducted for the level of spite that Mollie was on the arse-end of. This would involve me hoiking my bosom and doing some "how very dare you" style muttering.

If the situation warrants points entering negative numbers, I might get my elbows sharpened.

marmaladetwatkins · 17/04/2011 18:37

My previous post was a joke, btw. Am aware there are some sensitive little souls on MN at the minute.

FlamingJamie · 17/04/2011 18:44

Becarooo - really can't agree with your last statement. IME. many many elderly, frail people are battling on with little money, and support and without complaint. Dealing with health problems, caring for their spouses, sometimes living in terrible conditions, with very little complaint

Becaroooo · 17/04/2011 19:12

I agree FJ.

And many arent.

Many are rude, racist, ignorant and seem to think that because "I'm 84, you know!" they can say/do/treat people however the hell they want.

I was stood next to a woman with a son who has severe CP at a fund raising event. A pensioner walked past, looked at her son in his mobility chair, looked right at her and said
"they should be drowned at birth"

My dsis was in the GP surgery with my dn ( he was a 27 week premmie so he was on oxygen) and an old bastard dear looked him over and said "it doesnt look too good fro him, does it?" My dsis didnt leave the house for 2 weeks after that.

I dont have a very high opinion of the elderly generally, but I concede I may just have been unlucky and met some evil old shits.

FlamingJamie · 17/04/2011 19:30

Beccaroo- I think we are probably agreeing that you can't really generalise.

And those are terrible experiences you mention

bemybebe · 17/04/2011 23:58

May I gently suggest that 'old age people' is not a special breed of human beings and we all may live until we are well into our 80s.

A lot of old people suffer from various conditions that do make them appear thoughtless and plain rude. For example, some strokes happen in the frontal lobe and as they do not affect the physical functions like speech or walk, they often make people loose their inhibition, which makes them, well, exactly rude and thoughtless. It is a medical condition and ANY of us can be unlucky to suffer from it in the future.

Hence my suggestion to summon all your will power and emotional strength and quietly ignore these unwelcome outbursts/comments if it is realistically possible.

bemybebe · 17/04/2011 23:59

...as they do not affect the physical functions like speech or walk, they go undiagnosed, whilst they often make people loose their inhibitions...

FlamingJamie · 18/04/2011 07:45

true bemybebe. Early dementia can also present with rudeness and disinhibition

Becaroooo · 18/04/2011 12:38

All true.

Still VERY distessing for those on the receiving end, however and it doesnt make it OK.

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