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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is unfair?

37 replies

kickingking · 15/04/2011 21:59

To get straight to the point, SIL has forgotten my child's birthday three years in a row (DC is only 4). As in, no card or present, ignoring FB status updates about the birthday celebrations and photos of the birthday celebrations even though I know she has been on FB, never mentioning that she forgot.

She has four children and I send a card and pressie for them all, every year.

So, one of DCs is about to have a birthday over the Easter weekend. They will be with other relatives up here, so we have been asked to come and celebrate the birthday at a local attraction with them. So in addition to the present, we will be spending £50 on entry to this bloody thing.

I'm just fed up with making an effort to remember her DCs birthdays and trying to buy an age-appropriate present for them all (never had a thank-you for any of them, by the way) when they act as if my child doesn't have a birthday at all. DC is usually with me when I buy and post the cousins' presents and I fear it will not be long til DC notices that he never gets anything from them on his birthday.

DP says it's not important. Is he right?

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 15/04/2011 22:01

Dont bother with them. If she asks why tell her.

Original poster
kickingking · 15/04/2011 22:03

I wish. DP would never hear of it!

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 15/04/2011 22:04

Well let him acknowledgde them and run round at their ass whilst his kids are ignored.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/04/2011 22:05

It is always better to give than to receive. Lucky you. Wink

LindyHemming · 15/04/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thefirstmrsrochester · 15/04/2011 22:06

your sil sounds like an ignorant cow - manners cost nothing. if she has ignored your dc birthday for 4 years then id assume she just ain't interested in this one. DP sounds like he is keeping the peace.
Spend your money doing something lovely with your dc.

MissJanuary · 15/04/2011 22:08

If its not important , as per you DH, then let him buy them gifts. Don't bother yourself for people so ungrateful.

Original poster
kickingking · 15/04/2011 22:08

He agrees the birthday thing is not OK, but says it's not worth getting so annoyed about. He refuses to say anything about it to them. I have asked what he expects me to say to DC if/when he asks why he doesn't get a present from them and he just says we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

OP posts:
TransatlanticCityGirl · 15/04/2011 22:09

It's not nice, but it seems like a rather small thing to worry about. If you enjoy giving to her kids keep doing it. Giving is not about what you receive back.

Original poster
kickingking · 15/04/2011 22:12

I have suggested that he starts buying all the presents, etc. (never had my own birthday acknowledged by ANY member of his family in the 12 years we've been together either) but I can't bring myself to do it as I know he would forget them all, but the judgement would be on me.

I wish I had never started buying presents for his family - why did I do it?? Argh.

OP posts:
shakey1500 · 15/04/2011 22:12

I'd be tempted to say "I just want to check you've got our address right as we don't seem to have received a birthday card for DS.....?" and see what she says.

Petty I know but I would want to know what her reaction would be.

Original poster
kickingking · 15/04/2011 22:13

I know it's not about what you get back. And it's not the children's faults, that's why I keep doing it.

It does annoy me, but my main concern is what happens when my DC notices.

OP posts:
Original poster
kickingking · 15/04/2011 22:16

Oooh, Shakey, I like it!

OP posts:
Jumpty · 15/04/2011 22:34

It'll be your SIL's loss in the end. Her kids will think kindly of you as the auntie that always sent them pressies and your DCs will not think the same way about her.

activate · 15/04/2011 22:46

stop sending presents and cards I'm sure they won't mind at all

in fact surely you would have got the message by now that birthdays are not that important to them - at least they celebrate them but don't want big family stuff around them

I feel the same to your SIL - I don't want family presents for my children and I don't want to reciprocate for all their children - but then I do have 28 neices and nephews and about 6 of the next generation too

bubblecoral · 15/04/2011 22:52

Just stop doing the presents. You won't be judged for it, because it obviously doesn't matter to them that much.

As for entry to the theme park, wel you do get to go and enjoy it, and you were free to refuse the invitation, so yu can't really complain about that.

Original poster
kickingking · 15/04/2011 22:55

Well, DP agreed to the theme park before he realised how much it would cost Grin He's regretting it now!

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 16/04/2011 07:48

Send cards but no money or gifts....... Can't believe they have never acknowledged your birthday! That is awful!

YAnbu

post · 16/04/2011 08:42

Is it your brother's wife, or your dh's brother's wife? (Or is there another combination I haven't thought of?!) Do they not bear any responsibility?

pjmama · 16/04/2011 08:49

Sounds to me like she doesn't forget, but actually deliberately ignores and doesn't really want to exchange gifts for the children's birthdays.

I would just send her DCs a card next time. Either that or call/text her the week before your next DCs birthday to remind her. If she chooses to ignore it after a direct reminder, then I would take that as her implicit agreement that you don't do presents in future.

MigratingCoconuts · 16/04/2011 08:52

I wouldnt send a present either...clearly its being decided that you are all not 'doing' presents...

Maryz · 16/04/2011 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2011 08:59

Just send them a card in future.

Tough shit if dp doesn't like it.

Let him do the buying if he is so bothered.

hormonalmum · 16/04/2011 09:01

just send a card to your nieces and nephews on their birthdays. Then it shows you havent forgotten them but you also save the money of a present.
I doubt sil would mention lack of present. Tell dh you have sent "something" - which you have - the card.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 16/04/2011 09:01

Why don't you just say 'Shall we stop doing presents now?' ie give no hint that you've even noticed that she doesn't but give yourself op to stop.

It is riduculous sometimes with presents, my godmother still gives me one - it's so kind of her but just seems a bit silly now I'm grown up (and v rarely see her) it's embarrasing really.

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