stepmum refuses to meet

[mothrhen03]

I have raised my children almost completely alone ( my eldest is 12 ). Their father has worked or lived over seas for 6 years now and we lived apart almost the entire 10 yrs we were married. We have only been separated/divorced for 2yrs now. He hasn't seen them in a year and half, and now that he has shown up with a new wife and child, expects me to let him take them without even meeting his wife. I don't expect to be friends, I just want to have some idea of who is taking care of my children.
I don't trust him with the children, he has made some extremely poor decisions while caring for them in the past, and am just looking for something to reassure me they will be ok while in their care. Problem is she is refusing. To the point where he is saying he won't take them if it's required to meet her. A day trip is fine, but over night? No way! They have only met her once, yesterday!
She came into his life before we were even separated, and his sister ( who I have helped raise since she was 7, now 21 ) is very angry. While the new wife was staying at his parents, his sister was very vocal about how she felt. So apparently the new wife now feels bad about what she did, and won't face me. I, however, am no longer angry. I have moved on and am happy with my life. My concern is purely for my children. I have tried to convey this to my ex, but he won't let me contact her to try and convince her.
I don't want to keep my children from their father, especially since he goes back overseas in 2 weeks, but don't feel comfortable letting them stay with an adult I don't know. (this goes for ALL adults, not just her ) What do I do?

chocadoodle thank you for expressing this so eloquently for me. That is exactly the dilemma I am having. I don't want to be her best friend. I don't even expect to be any kind of friend, but we're both raising his children here in the same state. We can at least be friendly. I just want a beginning, if it goes poorly well, I'll take it one step at a time from there. I bear this woman no ill will, and truthfully have been in her situation of having no one to count on or call in an emergency. I just want to ease my mind and hers a little before he leaves and we run into each other in the grocery store. Then the kids can spend as much time as they can with their father, without any further drama, and get to know their beautiful little sister and have a relationship with her as well.

OP, you sound extremely reasonable to me.

I once was the 'new wife', walking into another child's life, and I made sure that her Mum knew absolutely who I was and what I was about when I moved in with DH. It seemed entirely reasonable for her to want to know about the woman who'd play a big part in her little girls life.

She's a bit daft to not meet you to be honest, especially since you've made it clear that you've moved on (has he passed this message onto her though - has he painted you in the 'vindicitve ex' light?). You've got a lifetime of communicating to do if their marriage works re your children.

I'd stick to your guns, and as a Mum myself now, I wouldn't let me children go anywhere overnight without knowing the other person well enough, and anyone here who reckons they would are not really thinking this one through (in my very humble opinion).

Not sure about eloquently, but I just wanted to say I think I know where you're coming from and I'm pretty sure I'd feel the same if I were you. I don't think YBU to want to know who will be responsible for your children when you are not with them. You wouldn't put them in childcare without checking it out first and sadly as your exDH and his wife are virtually strangers to your children (especially your youngest) I don't see why you wouldn't want to do the same.

Stick to your idea Mother.I think you sound like a reasonable person.you let the dcs see him and yes he's going away again soon.But they could end up getting hurt again if he doesnt come back for another year.could you let them bring the dcs back just before bedtime from them?

well said Loony

SapphireFling said it all when she wrote:

"YANBU OP but it seems that 'step persons rights' trump mothers rights/feelings/concerns every time on MN. Some one will be along soon to tell you that it's actually none of your business wink

Stick to your guns - either she plays ball or he doesn't see the kids overnight. The notion that absent parents suddenly have the right to call the shots is crap."

YANBU at all, mothrhen03.

Thank you all for your opinions and support. The issue has now been resolved. She has agreed to meet me briefly before they spend the weekend. I have all the contact information and my children are armed with cell phones. Wish me luck that this goes smoothly! :)

Best of luck, I think you've been entirely reasonable :)

Enjoy your weekend off

YANBU OP, as much as it sucks that your children will not have adequate time with their father before he leaves again, it is not your fault. You are doing the right thing for your children by wanting to see who is taking care of them. You wouldn't leave them with a childminder you have never met and this is no different, step parent or not. It seems as if your ex and his new missus are exceedingly immature.

Oh just read the last post, that is great news. Hope your LO's have a safe and happy weekend.

That is great news op, so glad it has been worked out like this. Hope the meeting goes well and the dc enjoy their weekend