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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

stepmum refuses to meet

63 replies

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 17:07

I have raised my children almost completely alone ( my eldest is 12 ). Their father has worked or lived over seas for 6 years now and we lived apart almost the entire 10 yrs we were married. We have only been separated/divorced for 2yrs now. He hasn't seen them in a year and half, and now that he has shown up with a new wife and child, expects me to let him take them without even meeting his wife. I don't expect to be friends, I just want to have some idea of who is taking care of my children.
I don't trust him with the children, he has made some extremely poor decisions while caring for them in the past, and am just looking for something to reassure me they will be ok while in their care. Problem is she is refusing. To the point where he is saying he won't take them if it's required to meet her. A day trip is fine, but over night? No way! They have only met her once, yesterday!
She came into his life before we were even separated, and his sister ( who I have helped raise since she was 7, now 21 ) is very angry. While the new wife was staying at his parents, his sister was very vocal about how she felt. So apparently the new wife now feels bad about what she did, and won't face me. I, however, am no longer angry. I have moved on and am happy with my life. My concern is purely for my children. I have tried to convey this to my ex, but he won't let me contact her to try and convince her.
I don't want to keep my children from their father, especially since he goes back overseas in 2 weeks, but don't feel comfortable letting them stay with an adult I don't know. (this goes for ALL adults, not just her ) What do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 18:21

Ok, I'm getting defensive. I apologize. I do see your point LowReg, and honestly thats exactly why I got on here. To get other peoples opinion. I am concerned that it is selfish of me. But I honestly am just concerned about my children's well being. Truthfully, I am tempted to let it go, and would if his mental condition wasn't in question. I suppose I should've mentioned that to begin with. I just didn't want to give out too much info.

I do appreciate your opinion and will keep it in mind while I make this decision.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 18:22

What do your children want

Original poster

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 18:23

His mental condition is the issue. I want to know there is a stable adult present. Legally I cannot keep the children from him, he has visitation rights only. This is my only stipulation with all that's concerned.

OP posts:

chocadoodle · 15/04/2011 18:23

YANBU - this would also make me feel very uncomfortable. If he was a father they had regular contact with and you'd parented your children together then it is different. In that case I would say give him the benefit of the doubt and trust his judgement with whom he has now chosen to marry.

As it stands you don't really know this man any more. You spent much of your marriage apart and he has barely seen you or his children since. I don't think you're asking too much of them and I don't really think you should have to try to hard to convince her of your intentions. She's a mother herself so she should understand your concerns. Give them one more chance and explain that you are happy for the children to stay with them once your mind has been put at rest that they will be taken care of properly. If you have to ask his sister to explain to them do so. At least you'll have tried to give him the opportunity.

Sapphirefling · 15/04/2011 18:24

YANBU OP but it seems that 'step persons rights' trump mothers rights/feelings/concerns every time on MN. Some one will be along soon to tell you that it's actually none of your business

Stick to your guns - either she plays ball or he doesn't see the kids overnight. The notion that absent parents suddenly have the right to call the shots is crap.

LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 18:27

This place is great for getting different POV - however I do appreciate that it can be difficult to take some times

What makes you concerned about his mental state? Is it things he says/does or just the fact that he has been living the place he has? Like I said above if you have genuine concern about real potential harm then this is something that needs to be considered, of course it is but I still hold that the opportunities here are rare - and it doesn't look like they are going to increase so the children should be allowed to take advantage if and when they can - as others have said though - assuming htey want to.

You haven't mentioned that they don't want to go so I assume they do?

flippintired · 15/04/2011 18:27

Why won't you tell us what your children want? You have been asked twice now.

Becaroooo · 15/04/2011 18:28

Do your dc want to spend time with their father who hasnt seen them for a year and a half???????

Really?????

LowRegNumber · 15/04/2011 18:29

Sapphire I am not sure if that is aimed at me or not but, just to be clear, my concern is the rights of the children not any of the adults involved, resident, non-resident or step.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 15/04/2011 18:29

In this case YANBU OP

The children's safety comes first. If you don't trust your ex to keep them safe overnight then don't let them go.

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 18:31

What I don't understand is how the OP is going to decided by briefly meeting this woman if she wants to leave her kids overnight with her?

From the POV of the Stepmum...she may feel as though she's being brought before Judge Judy...and at the end of the day, it's not going to make a great deal of difference unless you're going to base your decision on looks and a few words exchanged.

flippintired · 15/04/2011 18:32

becaroo, we don't know what the children want

flippintired · 15/04/2011 18:32

bercaroooo even

jeckadeck · 15/04/2011 18:33

Tricky one this: like you I would be very unwilling to let my children stay with a woman who refused to present herself to me -- she sounds exceptionally childish and I would be wary that someone like that was capable of making the sacrifices necessary to care for someone else's children. And it is odd that she's being so adamant about it, surely she could bring herself to simply go through the motions for a few minutes. On the other hand I'm inclined to think the damage to your kids, long term, from being denied the opportunity to spend quality time with their father and their awareness that you are arguing about it may outweigh this. Is there really no way you can get her to budge? Could you come to a compromise that lets them spend time with him without having to away with him?

SauvignonBlanche · 15/04/2011 18:36

What do your children want to do?

albania · 15/04/2011 18:37

What do your children want?
Personally, I doubt they're going to want to stay over at someone's house who they've only met 3 times, father or not - go out of the country with someone they've met 3 times? I doubt it very much.

Original poster

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 18:41

They definitely want to see him, and I have allowed them to. They have met their sister ( who they say is adorable ) and their stepmum. I know a cursory meet and greet is not enough to base a true opinion on, but it's a start. Truthfully I never thought it would be this big of a deal. I know that if the situation were reversed, I would be EXTREMELY reluctant and fearful, but would still go through with it for the children involved. I will continue to let him see them daily, but like I said, it's about staying overnight.

OP posts:

jeckadeck · 15/04/2011 18:42

Also what specifically is wrong with his mental health?

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 18:46

Do your children want to stay overnight?

Really, all you have to do is send them with a mobile phone and be available to pick them up.

Unless the mental health thing is a big issue, I'd let them go.

I personally wouldn't feel comfortable being 'taken to meet' the mother of a DP's children so she can look me up and down and decide if I look reasonably sane enough to remain in a house over night with my DP's children.

I do understand how it's odd for you but if the kids are happy to go and have a phone and your ex is ok mentally....I'd let them go.

Original poster

mothrhen03 · 15/04/2011 18:48

He has been living in Afghanistan and Iraq for six years. In the last 4 yrs his decisions and ability to live in the U.S. have been questionable. Once a diehard patriot now claims to hate U.S. society and women. When the oldest two were little he was completely devoted to them and now has almost no contact. He takes vacations and disappears from base on leave without leaving any contact information and has become extremely paranoid. I am not supposed to discuss him or anything about his life with anyone, including his family or mine, and would be irate to know I have been discussing him here.

OP posts:

FellatioNels0n · 15/04/2011 18:52

Is he in the forces then? I'm confused. Is he British or American?

GypsyMoth · 15/04/2011 18:52

you cannot assume he has MH issues because he has lived in a war zone

you are in the USA??

if so,different laws,has it been to court? you mention he has 'visitation rights' only? can you expand on that a little?

how old are all the dc?

GypsyMoth · 15/04/2011 18:53

so his new wife will live on the military base with him?

chocadoodle · 15/04/2011 18:53

Regardless of whether the children want to see him or not, they are not capable of deciding whether he or his wife are fit to look after them properly.

Yes it would make it easier for the OP if they didn't want to go but I would imagine most children want to spend time with their fathers, especially when they don't get to see them that often. The OP being a responsible adult here and needs to make sure she makes the right decisions on her childrens behalf at this stage in their lives. Yes, she should take into account that they want to spend time with them and I think she is. That's why it's such a dilema.

OP, do what you feel is right. No, you're not going to be able to make a decision about this woman from one meeting, but as you said, it's a start. If she's moving nearer to you it would be good if you could build some sort of relationship with her anyway even though exDH will be away as your children would then get to spend more time with their new sister.

etyksm · 15/04/2011 18:56

YANBU

When I was 14 my dad and his long term girlfriend took me abroad for 2 weeks to stay with his sister. Even though my mum knew his sister very well and I had previously stayed over several times at my dads she still insisted that she met the girlfriend before we went.

As far as I know it wasn't a problem and tbh I think it helped the gf when I was my usual michevious self :-)

It's natural and normal to want to know the adult who is taking (some) responsibility for your child!

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