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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'll never feel so special again?

38 replies

ShushBaby · 15/04/2011 12:27

When I was pregnant with dd (my first and only child so far), I felt really special and- though this phrase makes me a gip a little, it is appropriate- like a princess. Sickness and waddling aside, it was, looking back, a wonderfully indulgent and pampered time. My partner and family bent over backwards to make sure my needs were attended to. I did my nails, shaved my legs, had relaxing baths, and looked better than I did before, sort of glowy and blossoming, I suppose. Me and dp went out for as many meals as we could afford, and had a romantic time. I spent so much time engrossed in the fine details of the pregnancy- what I could and couldn't eat/drink, going to pregnancy yoga etc etc. And everyone around me seemed totally fascinated by it too, as I was the first of my friends and siblings to reproduce. I was, well, spoiled. It was great!

Now a friend of mine is pregnant for the first time and it's brought it all back. It's made me feel a bit sad and a bit envious, if I'm honest, because I don't believe I'll ever recapture those smug days. Life is wonderful now, I wouldn't change it for anything. I feel special when my daughter hugs me, my partner still loves and respects me- but inevitably we don't have much time for gazing into each other's eyes, and we do end up talking about dd more than anything else. There's certainly no time for pampering and relaxing (or if there is, I'm watching the clock before getting back to the front line of parenting); my basic mode is sort of bedraggled and harried. There's no reason for anyone to find me fascinating! In fact I feel fairly invisible as I hurry along with the buggy, late for playgroup. And I wonder if I'll ever feel (gip) like a princess again. Even if/when I'm pregnant again, everyone including me will take it much more in their stride and I'll just get on with it, dp and I will quite rightly be focused on keeping the family machine turning over instead of swanning around seeking out delicious non-alcoholic beverages for me, and booking mum-to-be treatments. I won't look glowy and blossoming, I'll look knackered and slightly flabby like I do now, and will be wearing maternity clothes recycled from 2009. Then I'll be mired in family life for the next X years, and then (this is possibly a terrible thing to think) I reckon I'll just feel a bit old and past it.

I'm not complaining, honest, and I'm not upset about it. But I do feel wistful for that first-pregnancy feeling.

AIBU? Do we just give up that side of ourselves when we become mums? Or am I just in the trenches of having a one-year-old and might one day feel like a fascinating, attractive woman?!

OP posts:
Panzee · 15/04/2011 12:28

Yep, I know how you feel. It's sad and indulgent but there you go. :)

squeakytoy · 15/04/2011 12:28

Oooh my heart really bleeds for ya... Hmm

Get a grip love...

dearyme · 15/04/2011 12:33

lol at squeaky

Vallhala · 15/04/2011 12:35

Wait til you get to 40 plus with a couple of teenagers! Hmm

NestaFiesta · 15/04/2011 12:40

YANBU. It's lovely to have cherished memories of just the two of you before the big baby scented steamroller bulldozes through your life.

I wouldn't change a thing about my life (well, wouldn't mind a bit more money), but I enjoy looking back at those lovely restaurant meals and weekends away we enjoyed before the babies.

Original poster
ShushBaby · 15/04/2011 12:50

Yeah, I know, poor me. I'd better go and have a lie down eh, while someone feeds me grapes? Grin

Vallhala- that's my point exactly! When I look ahead, I see joy and challenges and a rich full family life- which is great- but what I definitely don't see is ShushBaby feeling relaxed, pampered and precious, in fact I just see myself getting more and more overstretched and bag-eyed and naggy.

I'd like to feel like a princess at some point. So shoot me.

And just to reiterate- I'm clearly not breaking my heart over this and I do not consider it to be on a par with the unrest in the Middle East. Just wondered if anyone else felt the same/has managed to recapture that glow.

OP posts:
Pinkjenny · 15/04/2011 12:52

I feel the same. I am evangelical about my friends enjoying their first pregnancies, and I look back on my first pg as one of the happiest times of my life, so full of anticipation and excitment (and yes, I was completely deluded).

When I was pg the second time, I'm not sure anyone really noticed! Grin

Pinkjenny · 15/04/2011 12:54

That didn't really answer the question - erm, I don't think I'e found it possible to recreate that feeling, no. Because life is immeasurably different now. And now I have dd and ds. And it's not really about me anymore. And most of the time, that's fine by me.

Most of the time.

FetchezLaVache · 15/04/2011 12:54

YABU. Bedraggled and harried is a great look.

Changing2011 · 15/04/2011 12:57

I will miss that time too (although it is nigh on seven years ago) - I was just 20 and really enjoyed my pregnancy and how my mum and mil fussed over me and I looked really beautiful and all that jazz.......

then I wake up and remember the hottest summer on record, the living in a second floor flat (so lots of stairs) working in my office which is stuffier than Bangladesh and my DP going off me for months and month Grin

bigbadbarry · 15/04/2011 12:58

My Japanese midwife had a saying "you are a princess in pregnancy but afterwards you are the slave"

Original poster
ShushBaby · 15/04/2011 13:01

Grin Fetchez. Coming soon to a fashion mag near you, porridge smeared jeans and mad unstyled fringes. It's bound to catch on.

Pinkjenny I am with you on making sure friends (well, friend- she's the only one to get preg so far) enjoy the first pregnancy and feel cherished and special. I plan to have all the time in the world to obsess about it all with her (when I'm not changing nappies, obv!). And I can't bear it when veteran parents say to expectant parents 'BAH! Wait til the baby's born, THEN you won't have time to go out/sleep/look nice etc'. It really takes the shine off what should be a very shiny experience. And makes me think that they, like me, are a bit Envy. It is pointless- it is the right of expectant mums to be a bit delicate-flower and smug!

OP posts:
Sidge · 15/04/2011 13:02

I know what you mean. I felt quite 'special' when I was pregnant; I mean I didn't swan about with my bump sticking out demanding special treatment, but I felt quietly important - I was making a person!

But after 3 children, I am now submerged in the drudgery of life. Those days of feeling important and special are long gone; I am the Great Finder of Things and the Great Tidier Upper of Stuff. Life is like Groundhog Day.

I love my children immensely and wouldn't be without them but accept that I am way down the list of important things and my needs come last most of the time. HOWEVER I still make sure I get booked in for a haircut, my eyelash tinting etc as being a drudge doesn't mean I look completely shite Grin

Original poster
ShushBaby · 15/04/2011 13:03

bigbadbarry- depressing but, I fear, true!

OP posts:
Nagoo · 15/04/2011 13:03

You can't recapture it, cause once you've had the baby life isn't about you ever again.

dearyme · 15/04/2011 13:07

my first pregnancy was during a very hot summer and i was constantly hot sweaty and tired and desperate for the loo

was glad when it was all over :)

activate · 15/04/2011 13:09

you're totally right you will never get it back because it is never as endlessly fascinating as it all was the first time - it's lovely in it's own way but wiht your 2nd, 3rd or how ever many you decide to have it will never be the same

but then you can be a fascinating, attractive mum too -

elizabethsiddal · 15/04/2011 13:12

I solved this dilemma by having my second pregnancy 10 years after the first, married to a different man.

Actually this time I am getting more of a special princess treatment than last time! My son is joining in and pampering his mummy!

Dozer · 15/04/2011 13:13

YABU, lots of women don't get (or want to be) treated "like a princess" during their first pregnancy, or to have romantic times with the father. Cherish the memories.

Dozer · 15/04/2011 13:14

Am generally impatient of people wanting to feel "special", eg brides, mums-to-be.

NinkyNonker · 15/04/2011 13:16

I don't feel any less fascinating or attractive now to be honest. If anything I feel more confident and 'established' now. Perhaps I was just boring and unattractive before dd anyway! Grin

glastocat · 15/04/2011 13:17

God, just be lucky you had such a nice time. I hated being pregnant, I was fat and ill, hence my son being an only.

YeahThatsTheBadger · 15/04/2011 13:18

I can understand where you're coming from but I preferred the invisibility of my second pregnancy.
I don't like being fussed over and I don't like attention or people looking at me, and so second time around suited me better.
My SIL however, loved the attention and when she would make an 'ooh' noise if the baby kicked, she would just do it louder and louder until someone would ask what the matter was! :-)

Mumwithadragontattoo · 15/04/2011 13:21

If it makes you feel any better I did manage to recapture that feeling a bit when I was pg with DC2. I finished work 6 weeks before my DS was due and I left my DD at nursery for the 3 days a week that she'd been going when I'd been working. On those days I did a spa day with my sister, lots of relaxing, going swimming and nesting and getting our home ready for our new baby. My DH took a few days off work during that time too and we managed to go out for lunch together and do other things that are hard with small children. So it's not impossible to do this in a second pregnancy but you need to be able to find a bit of child free time to look after yourself and be with your DH. And of course it isn't throughout your pregnancy in quite the same way.

Original poster
ShushBaby · 15/04/2011 13:27

YeahThatsTheBadger Grin at your sil. I agree with several posters above that the whole Pregnant Princess thing can be really fucking annoying, in fact I always thought I would never buy into all that. But, well, I sort of did. And now I know that what nagoo says is true- that life is never about you in the same way again- I think it's actually quite an important part of the mothering 'journey', provided you are fortunate enough to have a great experience. A chance to store up some pampering points, if you like, before the hugely rewarding but bloody hard work job of parenting begins and you are never again No.1.

And yes, people are right to say I should be grateful and cherish the memories. I do! So much so that I'd like to feel the same way again someday.

Mumwithadragontattoo your mat leave sounds lovely.

OP posts: