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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel such an inadequate failure to my friends?

35 replies

feelinginadequate · 14/04/2011 19:11

I have a small circle of friends (6 of us) who are very close, and they are all wonderful, generous (in time/emotionally/financially) people and I am very lucky to have them part of my life.

But I can't help but feel when with them that I have been a failure in my life, when I see what they are doing:-

they all own at least 3 properties (country/town/abroad) - whilst I rent my home as we cannot afford to buy.

they all go on holiday to places like the caribbean for their winter sun, skiing in the US and summer holidays to Greek isles - whilst I go for a long weekend to Butlins off peak.

they all have top of the range brand new cars - whilst our car is falling apart and we pray it will get through its MOT every year

they are dressed head to toe in designer labels - whilst any designer labels I have are the generous hand me downs.

their children go to the best schools and have the best gadgets.

the women all stay at home keeping house with hubbies providing for all the spa sessions/manicures/hair cuts etc - whilst I go out to work to put food on the table.

I don't begrudge them at all, but I do feel such a failure compared to them, as we all had the same start in life, and if I wasn't so crap I'd have all that they have, and wouldn't feel like my kids go without material things as well as for our time, so that we can keep roof over their head and food on the table.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/04/2011 19:14

You just happen to have a very lucky circle of friends... so long as they dont look down on you, then why worry.

You seem to be living the life that the vast majority of us have, and your friends really are the exception to the norm.

Lilyloo · 14/04/2011 19:15

I can totally understand your frustration at seeing your friends having so many nice things whilst you are working hard to pay for basic essentials.
However life is not always as it seems on the outside. Having the best of everything doesn't always mean a happy life.
You most definately aren't a failure just live a different life. You must be a very nice person actually to have so many close friends.

Flowerpotmummy · 14/04/2011 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Acinonyx · 14/04/2011 19:17

It's always tough when friends have different finances. You have some very well-heeled friends there! I am in the middle. I have friends who are much better off, some similar, and some less so. I'd be lying if I don't get a twitch of the green monster sometimes - usually house or holiday envy. Do you have some other, er, more normal friends to compare with? Because these women are not typical - they are quite privileged.

And who has this money - is it their dh's? Sounds like they married money rather than making their own way. If that is success, well, each to their own.

Flowerpotmummy · 14/04/2011 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

feelinginadequate · 14/04/2011 19:23

Thank you for such kind comments - I have other people that i socialise with (parents of kids friends, old work colleagues, etc), but these are the ones who I'd talk about anything with.

They all had very successful careers of their own and invested in the property with their money, and have married men in their chosen careers, so two very successful career households. And once the children have come along the men became the sole breadwinners. So not completely marrying for money.

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 14/04/2011 19:25

Well that is just downright annoying!

hardhatdonned · 14/04/2011 19:32

I'd be of the assumption they have shit loads of debt to go with it too.

Original poster

feelinginadequate · 14/04/2011 19:34

Yes which is really why I can't/don't begrudge them a penny as they all put the graft in and were rewarded handsomely.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinginadequate · 14/04/2011 19:35

No we are the ones with the debt - they don't

OP posts:

MaisyMooCow · 14/04/2011 19:36

Don't let appearances deceive you. I have friends in similar situations and despite all the money they have, flash cars and holidays they are not as happy as you think even if they look it!

suzikettles · 14/04/2011 19:39

I've kind of lost touch with some of my friends because of this. They go off skiing together, eat out together at places that we can't afford - and why not? They can afford it and they work hard.

But I just got tired of turning down invitations, they stopped asking and we drifted apart.

Original poster

feelinginadequate · 14/04/2011 19:45

Suzi i feared that, but and this they are adament over as they want me to go, they split the bill by 5, and pick up my share.

They've 'slummed' it at Butlins with us, have gone on holiday without me when whole families going but of course that would end up being additional £000s for them, but when girls weekends away or anything, they've asked me how much I can afford, sometimes it's been nothing, sometimes I've been able to contribute £100 and they have split the difference between the 5 of them, as they want me to be there.

They really are wonderful, and although I call myself their care in the community, they are certianly not down on me.

OP posts:

kerala · 14/04/2011 19:45

My wise old granny told me never to compare yourself with people there are always those better off and worse off than you. Sounds like they are nice people and dont purposefully seek to make you feel inadequate so you really need to make an effort to leave these feelings behind so they dont mar the friendships.

xstitch · 14/04/2011 19:47

NBU exactly but you are being too hard on yourself.

Absolutelyfabulous · 14/04/2011 19:51

You are NBU but I do find it a bit odd that you are so different from your friends. Our friends are very similar to us which I like, TBH. Would hate to be in a completely different situation from close friends.

suzikettles · 14/04/2011 19:53

Well they sound like they really value and that it's worth it to them to help out so that they can enjoy your company. They sound like really nice people and good friends.

I know how you feel though. It doesn't matter that they don't mind, it just grinds you down a bit after a while not being able to reciprocate the "treat".

I don't know what the answer is. My parents are also much better off that dh & I and they treat us all the time - somehow that feels different. It shouldn't be really, so it is possible to get your head around it somehow. I think you just have to realise how important you are to your friends - you're not a charity case, they clearly really, really need you to be part of the group.

Bumblequeen · 14/04/2011 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Mare11bp · 14/04/2011 21:42

Feel for you OP. And funnily enough was going to post something similar to you tonight as also feeling a bit down on myself. We moved to a really affluent area (unknown to us as neither of us are from these parts) and live in a very small house with no prospect of moving anytime soon. We both drive old cars whereas at the nursery they all pull up in their Porsches or VW 4x4s. I don't begrudge them like me they work hard but I think you and I can be forgiven for having a touch of the green eyed monster.

They sound lovely though your friends and genuinely want to include you. Don't know if this helps at all but today when I felt down in the mouth I just tried to remember about people worse off themselves e.g. People living in poverty through no fault of their own or those struggling to pay the mortgage or those who can't even get on the housing ladder as prices are too prohibitive.

There are always people worse off.

atswimtwolengths · 14/04/2011 21:48

Where did the difference start, do you think? Did you all go to university at the same time, or did they go and you started work then? Did you have your children earlier? What made you decide to go into a job that didn't pay well? Did you meet your husband at a (lower paid) job when they met their husbands at their (higher paid) jobs?

Are you happy in your job? Is there any way you could retrain so that you could earn more money, if this is important to you?

2BoysTooLoud · 14/04/2011 21:50

I googled some old university friends recently.... big mistake! Felt very sorry for myself in my little,cluttered house. But it ain't all bad and I know that looking at my lovely kids. We struggle a bit and worry about redundancy etc but I think loads of us do. Try and think of whats good in your life and have a glass of plonk .

aurynne · 14/04/2011 21:51

To be honest, I would consider myself a failure if I lived the life of Riley spending the money my DH earns... I would feel much more proud of earning my own money, as feelinginadequate is doing. "Success" is in the eye of the beholder, and you are as successful as you feel you are.

nijinsky · 14/04/2011 22:00

So you work hard and pay your own way? That is never a failure by anyone's reckoning. Its all relative. My friend is a consultant surgeon and said he thought he was doing well until meeting some ex schoolfriends recently, and several had mega successful businesses.

That said, I am in a similar position to your friends, in that I had the professional career, invested in property and now mainly live off my property income while DP has his own professional career. I'm actually unusual amongst some of my friends and some of them can't quite understand it - they think I'm either lazy or living off DP. But I've always been a lateral thinker, am not good at making money for other people and am business-minded. I've not got new cars though, they're a few years old and my house isn't in London and worth megabucks. But its meant sticking to my own life plan and having confidence in the long term decisions I've made.

Your friends sound great and I hope you can continue to value the friendship rather than the material differences.

atswimtwolengths · 14/04/2011 22:08

aurynne, I think the OP was saying that her friends have worked in high flying careers themselves.

aurynne · 14/04/2011 22:19

"the women all stay at home keeping house with hubbies providing for all the spa sessions/manicures/hair cuts etc - whilst I go out to work to put food on the table."

This is what I understood from her OP.

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