to feel such an inadequate failure to my friends?

[feelinginadequate]

I have a small circle of friends (6 of us) who are very close, and they are all wonderful, generous (in time/emotionally/financially) people and I am very lucky to have them part of my life.

But I can't help but feel when with them that I have been a failure in my life, when I see what they are doing:-

they all own at least 3 properties (country/town/abroad) - whilst I rent my home as we cannot afford to buy.

they all go on holiday to places like the caribbean for their winter sun, skiing in the US and summer holidays to Greek isles - whilst I go for a long weekend to Butlins off peak.

they all have top of the range brand new cars - whilst our car is falling apart and we pray it will get through its MOT every year

they are dressed head to toe in designer labels - whilst any designer labels I have are the generous hand me downs.

their children go to the best schools and have the best gadgets.

the women all stay at home keeping house with hubbies providing for all the spa sessions/manicures/hair cuts etc - whilst I go out to work to put food on the table.

I don't begrudge them at all, but I do feel such a failure compared to them, as we all had the same start in life, and if I wasn't so crap I'd have all that they have, and wouldn't feel like my kids go without material things as well as for our time, so that we can keep roof over their head and food on the table.

Interesting point about where the difference and maybe that also compounds the feeling of failure -
A couple of these friends I have been friends with since I was 11, the others have joined the group in the years up to 'A' levels.
I was always the first - I did my exams earlier, I was first to get a job, I was first to move out of home, I was first to get married, I was first to have kids. But whilst I did it "first" I didn't necessary pick the best option.
I didn't choose the right career to earn the big bucks (I am currently training to get into a better career), some of their breaks were in the right place right time - i.e. their companies were bought out.

I feel that if we were at forks in the path they chose the right ones and I chose the wrong ones.

But I do love them all dearly - as of course I adore my family and wouldn't change them for the world. I hope that I never taint the friendship, but can't help feeling a tad loserish at the moment.

did we not have this thread last week, something about facebook friends being better than them??

Feeling...I'm the same. I see my friends expnding their property portfolio and I struggle with the rent on my 3 bed semi! It's big difference...but life is short, it's about day to day quality of life....I happy to have what I do have and know that to some people I am extremely lucky.

Count your blessings and try not to compare. Health, family and friends and enough to eat is riches beyond belief to many, many people.

ha!

My friends include a Bollywood actress and a NYC investment banker to name but two of the overly successful gits buggers.

I am fat and drive a 17 year old car!

I think you should stop comparing yourself to others and work on your confidence and self-esteem. Stop beating yourself up over your life decisions, we all just make what we think are the best choices at the time. There is nothing "wrong" with having a lower income than other people. Money is essential of course to a certain extent (I don't have much either), but it can't buy happiness or contentment.

Your friends sound really lovely, to split things 5 ways so you can join them - you must be really special to them and bring something to the group that they cherish. It sounds like you all come as a package, no matter what, and that is a really wonderful bond to have with friends.

I have always tried to conceal my comparative poverty from my closest uni mates and have spent money on things that seem extortionate to me, but are run of the mill to them - not so much now as we don't see each other as frequently - but I often wonder what my life would be like if I had made the same choices as them in terms of career/marriage, as we all had the same opportunities when we were at uni. DP is in the opposite camp - out of all his friends, he is considered to be the successful one whose life is envied - who would have thought a 3 bed end of terrace could inspire envy?! But compared to my friends and their husbands, he's earning about 10% of what they do! So it's all relative.

There was a chap from the happiness project or whatever it's called on BBC breakfast this week - made me think about the things I have to feel grateful about, rather than comparing myself to people who are not representative of the average. I'm sure that your friends know people who they feel have more affluent lifestyles than they do! And as you all talk to each other, you must know the things that they have in their lives which nark them - might be that they don't see their husbands much, or have worryingly large mortgages.

Where on earth did you find this group of friends? I have a couple of very wealthy friends, but even their circles are more mixed than this- do all five of them really not work at all (not even part-time if they all had these great careers previously), have at least three houses and go to the Carribean every winter?

As SisterCarrie says, if you are real friends, you will know the truth of their lives. That they may difficulties in their marriages, ups and downs with their children's lives and may be facing an uncertain future in the recession (no redundancies either?) A pang of jealousy is fine, but to paint their lives quite so simplistically is a bit odd.

I agree it is relative. I have a few friends who come from wealthy backgrounds and feel as you do. But most people aren't wealthy.

My partner and I both come from poor backgrounds and feel massively wealthy in comparison to friends we grew up with. We both have decent jobs - 30k and 40k a year, own our own house and have money to go on nice holidays. Our friends we grew up with live in rented accommodation, doing low paid jobs like working in shops or factories and rarely have money to go on holiday.

Unless you are a multi billionaire there will always be people better off than you. This is why wealthy people like Cherie Blair can talk about not feeling rich. Rather than looking at your wealthy friends try and get back in touch with reality. So the median wage in the UK is about 22k/23k with the median household incom,e being about 28k - not sure exactly, but near this. So you are well off, just not as rich as these friends.

Also remember that all research shows that once you have reached a certain level of income - I think about 30k per household? - further money does not make you happy. That is why there are plenty of depressed celebs and rich people. Other things matter more such as your relationship with DP, family and friends, children, etc.

And certainly to your children, teaching them that you have to get on in life by working is a good lesson. Children who are handed everything on a plate e.g. giving a trust fund or never learning to work for things IMO are rarely happy. It is too easy for such children not to learn about the pride of achievement and through boredom to fall back on drug and alcohol abuse.

About ten years ago my dh and i were what people may consider wealthy, We had the big six bedroomed house, top of the range cars , several holidays, massive wedding etc. We are not as wealthy now, but i can honestly say that i didn feel any happier . In fact my dh and i felt that we didn't have enough money at that time.
It is only recently that people have been telling us how they envied our previous lifestyle. The irony is that it wasn't the money that made me happy (although it did help), it was having a great dh, good health, a deep religious faith and loving family.

I am feeling your pain but your friend?s sound great and you can feel extra good about that. It would be a sad story indeed if you were feeling left out of things, but these guys are being good friends to you.
Keep them close and always be thoughtful towards them - remember thier bithdays etc - thats the sort of thing that money can never buy.

I do understand though. I have pals that have totally different lifestyles to me but as long as our conversations do not revolve around holidays, cars and property then we are having a nice time together. I can?t stay friends with people who boast about their possessions and cant talk about anything else.