To think the GP is wrong and I'm not...(warning- whingy and self indulgent)

[Piggyleroux]

....depressed, just really tired and in need of a break?

Just got back from seeing gp. Got bullied persuaded by dh to go as been feeling a down the last couple of months. It seems to have coincided with ds 13 mo crawling, which means even simple chores like having a wee become a bit of a challenge.

Things came to a head yesterday after ds did not have his usual nap all day and I got nothing done that I needed to do. Dh got home to find me in floods of tears, because tbh, I was just over it all. I was utterly mentally drained and it just all got on top of me.

I haven't had a nights sleep in a 13 months, dh does minimal childcare because he works long hours, so everything falls to me. Ds is a lovely, lively little boy and I feel so bad but yesterday he was so challenging and because he didn't have his nap, I didn't get a break.

Gp wanted to prescribe me anti depressants, but I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just knackered. No one tells you how hard being a parent is. How do people cope with more than one??

In my experience nothing causes this kind of depression than lack of sleep. Any chance your DH can take tomorrow off, and take on most of the supervising over the weekend, give you a couple of long lie-ins and some time to yourself?

A few nights good sleep makes everything look so much better.

(I hope I'm not coming across as patronising btw.. I had bad PND, AD's and counselling. Biggest cause of it all i'm sure was that DS woke every 2 hours, every single night, until he was 16mo when he started walking. I know full well what sleep deprivation does, and in my case turns me into an absolute basketcase)

Macdoodle, could you answer my posts please. or are you confusing me with another poster ? you last post wasn't to me, it was to nulli, right ?

My youngest didn't sleep for more than 3 hrs a night for his first 4 months. Somehow I coped with that. But when he did start to sleep I couldn't get enough sleep. It was like I went into a sleep coma. I used to go to sleep at 8.30pm everynight. It was like my body was reclaiming every minute and I felt utterly drained.

Make sure your diet is full of goodness and try to get out for a walk or change of scene everyday.

Sleep deprivation sucks.

It does sound as if going to the GP was useless - because what you need is a supportive husband and the GP can't give you that - only you (and your DH) can.
The moment your DH is in the house, childcare (and tidying up) falls to you both equally. Working out of the home for some hours each day doesn't mean you don't have responsibilities at home.
You should have a lie in each at the weekend, and he should be giving you a morning/afternoon minimum on one weekend day, where he has sole charge and you are in bed/out.
You also need to share night wakings, if you're not bfing.
Once you get proper support with your child, i think alot of your exhaustion and desperation will disappear......

I know when ds was six months I went to the gp with the same kind of issue. I was completely knocked for six by lack of sleep, hallucinating, losing weight and desperate. I actually asked the gp if I could be depressed and he said no, you are very tired and fed up, it's natural. This went on for the next year, with loads more weight falling off. I started to think I was losing my grip, tired, starving hungry no matter what I ate, turns out I was on the verge of thyroid storm. Heart rate sky high, blood pressure same.

I think it's normal to see the gp for clarification that what you are feeling is within the normal bounds of new parenting. When it's your first time as a mum, you have nothing whatsoever to measure it against.

Keep a diary op of how much little sleep you get, and how you feel each day. It may help to look back on month by month, to see if there is improvement, no matter how little, or if you need to go back.

I think if it is just exhaustion (which it could be) then why would you go to GP to discuss - thats a domestic issue not a medical one.

My DS2 is 12 months, and realistically can't get much (anything) done in day apart from during his sleep at lunchtime, so not point in planning to do more than a couple of hours worth, although can do stuff like fold laundry while he is playing.

You need to sort night times, out that has to be the priority. Why is he not sleeping all night - unless there is a medical problem he should be able to sleep all night (perhaps with dream feed at 10pm, and if he can't sleep all night its totally selfish for your DH not to help, especially at weekends). ALso why didn't he have his nap - my DS2 gets put in his cot at 12.30pm and he stays there until at least 2.30pm. If he wakes before that he has to settle himself (which he does).

My DH works long hours but I work too, and if DS2 wakes in the night (rare) DH knows its just as much his resonsibility as mine - thats what being a parent is about.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. You sound like you need sleep before you need to think about anything else.

I really hope your DH steps up to the mark! Sleep well!

To those who don't understand going to a GP for this, I did so at a similarly difficult time, said I didn't need drugs but was at the end of my tether. I was passed to a scheme which provided some childcare to give me a break, was brilliant, exactly what I needed, and I would never had been referred to it otherwise.

I cry and can't get shifted when tired. it does a good impression of depression from the outside hbut I know it's not too.

I think anti depressants are a bad idea generally as it leads to people being dependant on them to cope with even mild stress. There are ways of coping that do not involve jumping to a drug. You sound tired to me and in need of a break. If that doesn't work then maybe try some self help methods and tried and tested coping techniques.

A quick fix pill is not the answer.

I'm still bf at 16 months and when i have a bad night- say a cold causes coughing I am grateful i can bf him back to sleep so i would say carry on with the bf if at all possible- but not if you think that the main reason he is not sleeping through as you do sound really tired.My son has never slept through- 11pm till 5 am is a rare treat!

When i feel tired i feel depressed and i am pretty much loving being a mum in a way i could not have imagined so whatevr you need to do to get the sllep- you feel like a new person .

Can you nap when your dc naps? Can you have a nap at the weekend whilst dh takesLO out?

Being tired is awful- similar feeling to being depressed i reckon.

I just want to add that many of my friends who bf also do not have babies that sleep through the night so I think it goes with the territory when you bf. I do know of friends who have ff who had them sleeping through the night very soon so I guess that is a pay off of ff which i now realise is why some people do choose it over bf....maybe a mixed feeding routine could help if you want to get that sleep the night factor...but it is not weird for your baby to not sleep through the night!

My DH tried the "I go out to work all day so you should do everything else" route as well. But he got a full night's sleep every night so I pretty much told him to fuck off with that idea - I was on the go far more than he was and running on broken sleep too, something he (poor soul) couldn't possibly manage.
So - he used to do the cooking in the evening. Not much, but it made a difference.

I agree that you need more help and more sleep, probably not ADs at this stage. IF you get the help and sleep and are STILL down, then you probably need ADs.

Sleep deprivation is a known torture mechanism, designed to send people out of their minds - so it's not surprising that you're feeling like shit.

Get your DH to step up a bit more for a while, until you're more rested.

My love, I used to LOB ds at ExP the moment he walked through the door at the end of the day. Like a little football flying....It is hard. I had undiagnosed PND. it was hell on wheels.

Finally got ADs when DS was three. OMG. wished to fuck I had done ti so much earlier. You don't have to struggle by yourself. there is help. ADs are not the devil's work, and hey, if you don't need them, then fine. But if you do, please give them a go.

I remember screaming at the HV who suggested I was depressed I just needed sleep. sadly she was so nasty I ignored her. But I do remember feeling numb,despairing, and thinking that just one night of sleep would sort it out. But it wasnt sleep I needed, (well, of course I did) but also my serotinin levels had flatlined. ADs were my saviour.

LDN what a pile of crap and how very insulting to people with depression.

If your son is 13 months old, he does not need to breastfeed at night. The best thing you can teach your child now at this point, is good sleeping habits. You must both be tired. You are going to set him up for a lifetime of light sleeping (ie bad sleeping habits) if he does not learn this now.
I know, because I have been where you are now. And my GP told me to stop the breastfeeding at night instantly as the child needs to learn to sleep through, and not eat at night.

You need to set aside ONE week for sleep training. Your child needs to be in his cot, and every time he wakes up your husband needs to go to him. It is important. Because at night time he associates you with milk. And you need to break this association. Your husband must go to him, sit with him setttle him, and no milk. It will be hard, but it works. The first three days are the worst. But there is no point YOU going to your son to settle him, as that wont work.

Sleep deprivation may result in depression, and it affects your every day life, your way of thinking, your way of not getting through obstacles, etc.

Quintessential offers one particular strategy that works for some so worth a try.....but the fact is that many babies want to breastfeed at some point during the night for comfort and that in itself is not a bad thing.

Not everyone believes that babiesNEED to sleep through the night and not all GPS say what your GP has said.

The idea that a baby needs to learn good sleep habits or be ruined for life is one particular viewpoint that is not shared by everyone. Bbaies wake up in the night and b feeding them back to sleep is nother strategy that is perfectly healthy.

If this does not work for the OP then you can try sleep training, if you are comfortable with it, which of course not everyone is, especially if it means leaving baby to cry it out.

do what works for you and your baby but if he wakes at night- be assured this is normal and natural for many babies!

I think you are just super knackered. Imagine a week on a beach with no kids and a book and loads of cocktails. I'm sure you would be fine.

Can you beg anyone to have the darling brat? Personally, I would also leave the husband behind and shag a few waiters

I work long hours and I still feel that I have it easy compared to DH being a SAHD. DD wakes every 2-4 hours (close to 2 atm), I still do at least half (mainly because I'm the one with the breasts, but I would still do it). Plus I have a brain intensive job as well.

Sorry but it annoys me when DH's (and MNs) reckon being a SAHM means being a domesticated slave.

and DD is also 13 months. nightmare sleeper

We never left the baby to cry. We left him in his cot, and my husband would sit with him, stroke him, talk softly to him and sing to him, but with the lights off all the time.

The fact is OP, you are knackered, and sleep deprived. What is most important? That mum gets her sleep, or that baby gets a feed it does not need for nutritional reasons? There are other ways to comfort a baby at night, that does not involve mum and the breast.

My gp also prescribed anti depressants for me, but advised to do the sleep training first and see how I felt when I had a good nights sleep for a few weeks.
Why mask the problem in chemicals affecting your brain, if you can sort it by making a few changes to your life. Let the meds be a lost resort, but not instead of tackling your exhaustion. They wont necessarily give your any more sleep!

OP - do not worry about your DS' future sleeping habits; it is quite, quite normal for a child not to sleep through at 13 months and also quite, quite normal for that same child to be a fabulous sleeper at 3 or 4. What happens now has absolutely no correlation with future sleeping!

However, you are shattered and you need to find a way to recuperate. What are your options? Can you leave DS with someone for a week while you and DH go away? Can you put DS in nursery for a while?

OP, I was in almost exactly the same situation: clingy 13 mo crawler who comes to the toilet and shower with me, DH generally cooperative and caring but not around much. I have days like the one you just had.

I think if you could eliminate DS's night feed it would make a big difference to your sleeping. A feed at bed time and another when you go to bed +formula top up may help. Then some help from DH in the night. If DS wakes get DH to deal with DS. He can't offer a BF, so water and a calm reminder that it's night time and he needs to sleep. If you think you can, controlled crying could be your saviour. It was ours. I found it upsetting, and spend a night at my parents while DH dealt with on one of the 3 nights it took to sort DS's sleeping out. That's right. It took only 3 nights, as it did for lots of my friends.

Some day time help too (maybe your parents / in laws / friend / could have DS) for a few hours.

Once DS is off the BF at night, he might be able to stay over night with somone else then you can sleep in peace. I find that I sleep better when DS and I are in difference places as I don't feel on guard all night.