To think the GP is wrong and I'm not...(warning- whingy and self indulgent)

[Piggyleroux]

....depressed, just really tired and in need of a break?

Just got back from seeing gp. Got bullied persuaded by dh to go as been feeling a down the last couple of months. It seems to have coincided with ds 13 mo crawling, which means even simple chores like having a wee become a bit of a challenge.

Things came to a head yesterday after ds did not have his usual nap all day and I got nothing done that I needed to do. Dh got home to find me in floods of tears, because tbh, I was just over it all. I was utterly mentally drained and it just all got on top of me.

I haven't had a nights sleep in a 13 months, dh does minimal childcare because he works long hours, so everything falls to me. Ds is a lovely, lively little boy and I feel so bad but yesterday he was so challenging and because he didn't have his nap, I didn't get a break.

Gp wanted to prescribe me anti depressants, but I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just knackered. No one tells you how hard being a parent is. How do people cope with more than one??

An OP if you are DP it is good to try many self help techniques that dont always involve waiting for appts for talking therapies.

Just go back to basics: clean, healthily fed, clothed, exercise, sleep.

If you know you have offered plenty healthy filling and nutrious food during the day be firm and say it is nightime it is time to sleep do controlled crying it does work but you have to stick, do it this weekend when DH can help.

I have had PND and DP and used controlled crying. So I have only suggested things that have helped me but you do need to be tough with the nightime thing, they do need to be 'taught'. Breifly I did the controlled crying thing:

1st visit Pick up, compfort put back down
2nd Cry for 2 minutes touch to comfort but do not pick up
3rd Cry for 4 minutes speak to comfort but do not touch of pick up
4th Cry for 8 minutes speak/sing from door
etc

They may last for 20 min then start again it took us three nights and you need help to do it.

Always need with it same phrase 'it is nightime it is time to goto sleep' I know not everyone advocates this but this has worked for many and it worked for us.

Who could go for 13 months without sleeping all night and feel fine ? Nobody !

1. Sort the sleeping out by a. not bf at night b. doing sleep training
2. Get some nights away from home Sleepover at a friend's/relatives
3. Get lots of fresh air and exercise

You are describing a normal reaction to sleep deprivation.

Being exhausted doesnt allow you to think clearly. I would guess its not 13 months of lost sleep- probably more as the last weeks of pregnancy arent a walk in the park full of relaxation and long nights of sleep either...

I remember being so tired i couldnt think straight... but I was working FT, so did have a 'break' from DD- which you dont get so harder for you.. My partner wasnt about though as he was working away.

Routine saved me and corner cutting. Slept on the weekends when DD napped. Took any help that was offered (eg neighbour offered to carry shopping from car to flat (up two flights of stairs)- um yes brilliant, thanks...). Did 'easy' food. Kept housework to minimum. Took laundry for service wash. Treated myself to favourite TV series and watched on laptop in bed at night as too tired to do anything else. Tried to be easy on myself if I didnt get things done (not houseproud). Did stuff in the mornings before DD got out of bed (worked better for us..). Discovered that DD was fascinated by youtube episodes of Pingu and took advantage of those 5 min ones so I could grab a shower.

Oh and it isnt childcare when your partner looks after his son... its called parenting.... and 13 months is a great age for a child to spend hellraising hours in the park with dad...

Umm so what was it exactly you wanted the GP to do then?? He made a diagnosis (which doesnt sound far off the mark TBH), offered you treatment??
Perhaps you would have liked him to offer to babysit for a few hours? Or tidy your house?
Because the other option of counselling isn't really going to solve your problem as you see it is it?
If you feel the problem is you're tired and overwhelmed, and your H is a lazy chauvinist, then really there was no point in seeing your GP. He thinks you're depressed and offered treatment, but you think he's wrong. I despair really, why did you bother going.

I had the same when dd was 8-9 months. She started crawling and cruising at 7 and I went back to work 1 day at week at the same time. Dh also works long hours and helps not very much. By 9 months (Xmas) it was really getting on top of me and after an exhausting Xmas with travelling to relatives and MILs demands I cried the whole journey home.
I went to the GP who told me I seemed like I was a bit unhappy, still adjusting and had some big decisions to make re work and childcare. He said he wouldn't be happy to prescribe me ads but to come back if I carried on feeling like it.
Would you have preferred that? He was right as it was.
Think a huge part of it was dd moving (especially as noone else's baby was ). Such a shock.
If you don't want to take ads don't, wait, sit it out and see how you feel in a month.
That's the alternative advice from a gp anyway at this point.

macdoodle I think if you read the OP you'll see she didn't really want to go anyway, probably well aware of the fact that the GP isn't in a position to prescribe sleep and a bit of a break. And no, the GP doesn't need to offer to babysit, but perhaps tell the OP that she really needs a break, because I think we're all more inclined to hear the truth when it's a professional giving us 'permission' to take some time out.

I've been where you are, OP, very recently. My DD is fifteen months in a couple of days and until 6 weeks ago, had never slept a night through in her life.

I'm with all the people who say the lack of sleep is the thing that's really stopping you functioning. I was stunned at the difference it made getting two back to back unbroken nights.

And my husband, btw, was stunned at the difference not getting them made. We made the choice after she had slept through a couple of times, not to let her start night feeds again, so when she woke, he went in to cuddle her back to sleep and I stayed in bed! Three days and he was a wreck!

Piggy I know my friend was prescribed antidepressants in a similar situation to you, but less because she was depressed, more to help her sleep (easier to find ad's with a sedative effect than sleeping pills that are compatible with bfing).

I'd also suggest night weaning. It was something I needed to do around that age with both of mine, for very similar reasons to you. It doesn't have to mean the end of bf either (ds1 fed until he chose to stop at 23 months, ds2 still going at 17m).

Not sure why you went to GP if you don't think you're depressed and don't want ADs. With what you told your GP I don't really know what else he could have suggested from a medical point of view? Did you just go along with the appointment so you could tell your DH that the GP thinks you're depressed? Understandable if you did, it might shock him into helping you out more.

FWIW I don't think it sounds like you're depressed either. It sounds like you have a happy healthy little boy is doing all the things they do at this age when they start becoming more physical and you are exhausted. It is exhausting looking after a small child, you never get to catch up on the sleep you missed out on while heavily pregnant and uncomfortable. If you are SAHM then it is you who is expected to get up in the night and settle DS if he needs it and I'm afraid that constant tiredness is likely to plague you for a long time yet.

You've been given some really good suggestions on here, it would make a huge difference to your state of mind if you could follow some of them. You will still feel tired but not at breaking point if you could have some time on your own sometimes either to relax, or catch up with housework or shop. My DS is 2 and I'm still constantly knackered but not quite as ill knackered as I was a year ago. It will get better. I don't think ADs are the answer in your case and I would be reluctant to accept them at this stage.

Personally I think lack of sleep can make you depressed or at least at a low ebb and being at a low ebb or depression can cause insomnia- you can get into a vicious circle even when the child is sleeping.

All that springing to attention in the middle of the night doesn't help. So when you wake up for a wee or something in the night, not actually needing to attend to your child, cortisol kicks in and you find yourself stone cold wide awake and then your brain starts going over all the things you have to do...

I think the OP needs to think about how they can get themselves more help and a break rather than go on ADs. I also think what she is feeling is entirely normal given the circumstances.

Depression is...well, here are the symptoms

www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/depression#symptoms

The op went to the gp because her dh persuaded her, it sounds as if her dh wants a perfect solution to the ops not feeling on top of the world which doesn't involve him helping more......

piggy it sounds like at present you work 7 days a week, your DH works 5. This is the real issue to me. It should be 6 and 6.

Yes he works long hours but so do you. Longer in fact if you're getting up in the night.

I really think this is the key. Get your DH to do at least one night so you can get a full night's sleep. Get him to occupy DS for several hours on Sat and Sunday so you can have some time off (a bit of a weekend from your "day job"). You say he's lovely and will do more if you ask him which is good.

Have been there, worked pt once DD got to 7 months (expressing at work), DD reverse cycled so fed every two to three hours at night. Lack of sleep is used as a form of torture and it can feel that way when you have not had more than a few hours at a time for so long. Some days are worse than others so it is completely normal to feel at wits end and cry doesn't mean you are depressed just strung out.

Can you put DS in playpen or cot for half hour with a selection of toys/books while you rest/get on with stuff? (even used to put in the night garden on the laptop so she could watch from cot to get 20 mins hands free time). We used to do this with DD (or barracade off part of the room and babyproof) so that we could get extra half hour in bed/clean/shower/cook etc...

I am still struggling with the nights and working ft now and DD 21 months, but still wakes once a night minimum (lots more when teething/ill). Will be doing night weaning for the next couple of weeks so if you do decide to go down that route and implement the pat and shhh or water only at night I will be right there with you.

YANBU I don't think you sound depressed, just exhausted. Leave dh in charge for a day, check into a local hotel, order room service, hot bath then sleep for fifteen hours.

You will come home ready to rejig the arrangements, including getting dh to do more of a share. I remember it well, you have my total sympathy. x

Thanks everyone for your lovely posts. You lot really are a caring bunch.

Some fab tips, have taken them on board. I don't like to whinge, am very lucky in lots of ways.

"GP's love giving out AD's" ok yup sure, because depressed unhappy people with lots of psychosocial issues, are just the highlight of my day?? I go into work, thinking oooh I hope I get to dole some AD's out today?
Dear god, do people actually believe the drivel the Daily Mail writes!

Macdoodle, are you a Gp ? Becasue your attitude is really quite frightening.
Op, did the GP do the Edinburgh test with you. What did you actually talk about as part of the consultation ?
Because I had very similar happen to me. Severly sleep deprived diabetic, having daytime hypo's requiring an ambulance, twice. ds2 not sleeping for most of the night for 1st four months. And a difficult ds1 who had just started school, (who it now turns out might be AS). I went begging for help, becasue I just couldn't cope with ds1 anymore, and told her I had really shouted at him the week before. Gp told me I wasn't depressed. Then gave me AD's. Then went back into my notes the next day and said I was depressed. Even though she hadn't actually done the edinb test on me.
And i portrayed few of the symptoms. I was out walking with my png and going for coffee's etc. hardly withdrawing, and thinking of self harm !! I was tested a week later, by a different gp who said I clearly wasn't depressed, after doing the edinb test on me.

Maybe its because people are too quick to diognose depression, when it could infact be sleep deprivation. God, you have no idea how bad sleep deprevation is, until you have had it.

someone said, why did you go to the gp. well, op probably went for the same reasons i did. I knew I needed help, but I didn't know what kind of help I needed/ what was available.
Turns out , nothing is available to you. shame. but you have had many sensible suggestions on this thread, as to how to make it a tiny bit better yourself.

You're tired! I have 4 dcs and work full times which means 4/5 days a week I do 18 + hours a day and on those day my personality changes alot! I know I'm happy, and feel great on my days off, and I also love my job and my kids so I have it much easier than some in alot of ways.

Usually by day four of up to five hours of sleep I'm irritable, exhausted and everything seems hard. Day two off and I feel amazing!

sounds like the little one needs help with sleeping!

macdoodle I find it extremely offensive that you would suggest I read the Daily Fail.

GP's have admitted now that they too freely handed out AD's in cases of PMT even, I have seen it myself.

It was not a personal attack on your career so do not take it as such.

I agree, from a medical standpoint, your GP may have misinterpreted you, thinking that with what you were telling him you wanted some medication, or believed you were depressed. I still think you are not depressed but sleep deprived.

Not ruling out depression as clearly I am not a doc, but I think you're probably right that if you get more rest you'll be able to cope better. You're overwhelmed, overworked and overtired. It makes one feel wretched.

I agree with others who have said getting to bed earlier is a good idea if there is any possibility of it - early nights are the closest parents get to a "lie-in" half the time.

DS2 is/was a rubbish sleeper and consequently I don't remember much about last year at all - I sleep walked through it and wasn't remotely cheerful for the majority of the time. He's 17 months now and things are evening out, the more sleep I get the better I feel certainly.

And dropping naps is maddening but they all do it eventually, you adjust to the new routine eventually and the benefit is you can get them into bed earlier as they're shattered sooner (although the run down to bed is what we call the "witching hour"...

Hope things level out and you get some rest.

"GP's have admitted now that they too freely handed out AD's in cases of PMT even, I have seen it myself."
Where? Which GP's?

Macdoodle, what about a gp who, does not do the edinburgh test, tells patient they are not depressed, but then suggests AD's. Thats what happened with me. How do think that is possible ?

I obviously cannot comment on an individual case, and unfortunately neither can the GP involved.
The way you worded that was that is was a known fact, with an evidence base. Did you mean it just based on personal anecdote
Also, some AD's have a specific license for PMT. As a personal suffered of horrific PND, I have found that sometimes a small dose of cyclical AD is very helpful.
If you don't want a GP's opinion or treatment, then why go, I just don't see the point. Their are plenty other people who will happily take the appt.

YANBU to feel exhausted and it is harder when they don't nap - as its usually more stressful when trying to get them too.

In the GP's defence, usually when Mums of young children go to them feeling like this it is because they are, and know they are, depressed. I couldn't imagine going to my GP because I was exhausted - usually I have a problem they can medicate for. (that isn't meant to sound rude I just really don't get what you wanted the GP to do). If you know you need the HV you can ring them direct.

I think all the ^^ advice about getting DHs help, EBF for night sometimes, nursery for a day/ half day, getting reletives to help is very productive and will help to illeviate some the exhausion your feeling.

And I'm not a hrd hearted cow btw, my dP left when DS was 13 months so I totally understand the exhaustion your describing.

x posted with macdoodle. (Im not a GP btw)