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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't like or respect my husband anymore

47 replies

thefairies · 13/04/2011 23:54

Lots of reasons, but just a few in brief:

He "works from home", but spends a lot of time on a computer game and complains he is getting a raw deal and can't do much work with the time available (6 hours, 5 times a week when the kids are at school).
I am the main breadwinner now and yet when I get up at 5.45 to drive two and a half hours to the office and then drive the same time and distance back, he very rarely cooks me dinner.
Last time I drove to the office I was so tired I nearly fell asleep at the wheel. This was partly because he plays on the computer game until late, which keeps me awake (doesn't help that I am a very light sleeper)!
When the kids are back home from school, he often lets them either watch TV so he can go on his computer game. At weekends I have a battle to try and get him to spend "family time" with us, often because of the game!
The house is a tip because he doesn't clear up often. I have offered to pay for a cleaner, but he thinks we don't need one, despite the grime!
Last Christnas Eve he told me in front of the kids that he doesn't love me any more.
After a rare night out he went straight back on the computer game and took umbrage that I was upset (ie: by getting all huffy then stomping off to sleep downstairs!).

There are loads more things I could cite, but I don't want to bore you. But in brief, I am totally fed up!

OP posts:

MaisyMooCow · 13/04/2011 23:57

Maybe you should see a marriage counsellor, he seems to be hiding in his computer game world instead of facing problems in the marriage and trying to work them out.

Telling you he no longer loves you in front of the kids must have been very hurtful. Totally out of order too.

I hope you manage to work things out.

perfumedlife · 13/04/2011 23:58

Christmas eve was the day to end it. How on earth do you come back from 'I don't love you anymore'? That's a black bin bag job surely? The rest just makes it easier.

You can't be happy, so what's stopping you?

AgentZigzag · 13/04/2011 23:59

He sounds like he's playing the computer game as an escape.

How did him telling you he didn't love you in front of your DC come about? What an awful thing for you and them to hear.

If he had anything to say to you he sould have kept it between you and not involve your children.

You sound in an awful situation.

How does he react when you bring it up that he's living like he's in student digs?

browneyesblue · 14/04/2011 00:01

YANBU - I second MaisyMooCow. Your husband does seem to be using the game to hide from real life. One way or another, he needs to start living in the real world again.

You must be sick of it :(

Original poster

thefairies · 14/04/2011 00:03

Thanks for your support MaisyMooCow. I don't know if marriage counselling will work to be honest as sadly I don't know if the situation is recoverable. I feel a mix of anger and indifference towards him and his often controlling behaviour. Although the gaming is a recent thing the relationship has been rubbish for a long time; everything seems a battle and now my eldest is old enough to pick up on things (well, it's not hard as he starts fights with me in front of her, despite being asked not to!) I am thinking I should bring the marriage to an end before she gets totally messed up herself.

OP posts:

MaisyMooCow · 14/04/2011 00:08

Just a thought, he may be suffering from depression.

Original poster

thefairies · 14/04/2011 00:09

The argument on Christmas Eve came about because he wanted the kids to talk to his mum on Skype for the first time. Because of time differences it was quite late (8ish) and the kids were tired. The youngest was lovely and "entertained" everyone, but my eldest refused to talk. Of course he was upset, but he took it to a new extreme and afterwards we had a rown and this is when he said he didn't love me.Then topped it off by telling me he didn't love our eldest either I(although this was said later and not in front of her). He has since back tracked on this, denying he even said it, but I know what I heard...

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 14/04/2011 00:15

If my dh ever once said he didn't love me, I would call the marriage to a halt there and then. I can't understand how you limped on for months with this blow hanging around.

Did he say it was not meant, said in anger, what?

Original poster

thefairies · 14/04/2011 00:15

Basically, I think he's an arse and an emotionally cruel one at that (lots of examples I could give you, but maybe I should save them for the therapist . Last night he came home and although he knew I had an important meeting today, he refused to come to bed until late (12.40pm). What made it worse is the fact he thought my meeting was in the office (two and a half hours away) and not in London - and yes he did know that last time I went there I nearly fell asleep at the wheel when driving back home!
So far this week he has done bugger all with the kids and what really miffed me off is the fact he "forgot" to take our daughter to a swimming lesson yesterday - something she'd been promised for weeks. Of course when my face showed dismay he got all defensive and uppity, and implied I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

thefairies · 14/04/2011 00:17

perfumedlife I know it seems incredibly weak to stay, but I have an old fashioned view of marraige and the kids are so attached to him it breaks my heart to think of them suffering because we of a split. But then if it wasn't for my job and my friends, I think I would go insane!

OP posts:

nijinsky · 14/04/2011 00:33

Does he have any good points?

Do they outweigh his bad points or alternatively, do you find his bad points endearing?

If not, sounds like you'd be better off on your own. Make him get a job first though, so you don't have to financially support him in any settlement.

AgentZigzag · 14/04/2011 00:39

Children can be a right PITA, there's no doubt about it.

But for him to say he doesn't love your DD, whether he meant it or just said it to hurt you, is heartbreaking.

To tell you he doesn't love you in the heat of the moment is one thing, but (presuming he's their dad) to say that about his daughter...?

From what you're saying, he doesn't seem to add anything to your life at the moment.

I'm pretty old fashioned in my views too, but when you say the 'kids are so attached to him' I would question how you phrased that.

You get shit/chewing gum attached to the bottom of your shoe, it's not how I would describe the love my children have for their dad, it's more than just an attachment.

Original poster

thefairies · 14/04/2011 00:42

I definitely don't find his bad points endearing! In fact I often joke to friends who know about the situation that he is like another child, but lacks any endearing qualities.Oh dear, looks like I have the answer... I wouldn't be surprised if he is depressed, as many people have suggested, as I think he feels as miserable as I do. He's been self-employed for so long I think he would struggle to settle into a 9 to 5 type job (we have had conversations along these lines, it is something he believes himself). It's sad isn't it when two people stop loving each other. I'm off to bed now but thanks to everyone who replied.

OP posts:

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 14/04/2011 00:43

You say he "works from home"...does he really? Or is he not bringing anything in?

SpeedyGonzalez · 14/04/2011 00:53

He needs a serious wake-up call (tbh I think you should leave him but you can take a smaller step first...).

I think you should rent a house nearby for 6 months and move out with the kids. Is that financially feasible?

scottishmummy · 14/04/2011 00:58

i agree,if at home cook and do some housework,but apparently this is an unreasonable demand - intersted to see when is gender reversal woman work,man home what the mn take will be

with situation of main earner external work ,other at home.yes sahp should do majority of house stuff,get the hell off pc and pull finger out

AgentZigzag · 14/04/2011 01:24

It could make a slight difference if he was actually working on the computer socttishmummy, but to be sat there messing about on a game and still not doing jack shit is - I would say lazy, but if he's depressed/not happy in his marriage it at least shows something isn't right.

I'm confused though because you're right, if it was a woman saying she was having trouble keeping on top of stuff everyone would pile in with suggestions of how to sort it, but my sympathy lays with the OP.

Perhaps it doesn't come down to man/woman but rather whose side of the story we're hearing.

If he was the OP we'd understand why he's acting like he is.

scottishmummy · 14/04/2011 01:28

isnt a gender thing is allocation of task thing.sahp should cook,do housework if other parent is out working.by what op describes she is out all day,and faff all gets done.thats not on,and not fair.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 14/04/2011 01:33

The DH is self employed ScottishMummy...he is meant to do paid work in the day...he's not technically a SAHP.Or at least a ful time one....it becomes blurry when one partner works from home...I work from home and my DH works out...we have this very week begun to earn the same amount of cash. But because my work takes less hours and I dont have to leave the house, I do more housework than he does.

But it has taken ages to get to this place...where my DH does a fair share.

The OPs DH sounds like he is hiding. I wonder how much work he is actually getting done.

AgentZigzag · 14/04/2011 01:36

Definately agree SM, I think the fact that he's supposed to be working from home muddies the water a bit as to how much cooking/cleaning he should be doing.

As he's just gaming though, it's not fair it all falls to the OP to try and keep it all together.

You see the other side on here, women who don't go out to work but are still struggling to get sorted.

But then you only see the ones starting threads who want to help themselves, the OPs DH doesn't seem to want to do that, and the OP can't make him want to love/help her - unfortunately.

Morloth · 14/04/2011 01:42

Do you know, if DH ever said he didn't love me, I could probably suck it up and maybe get on with life and stay together until the kids are a bit older.

If he ever gave me any indication let alone fucking said that he didn't love either of our children then his arse would be out the door so fast that he would get friction burns.

He is treating you like shit because you let him. He isn't going to change because there is no need for him too.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 14/04/2011 01:42

Is he jus gaming though? The OP hasn't said if he is actually bringing in money properly...or if he has let it slip a bit.

It canbe very lonely working from home....I'm not excusing the OPs DH for his behviour....but it can be very tough.

CheerfulYank · 14/04/2011 01:44

What an awful thing to say!

I would take Speedy's advice and move out.

I have somewhat of an "old fashioned" view on marriage too, but it only applies if both people involved are really there for each other. It sounds like he is not.

Balsam · 14/04/2011 07:26

I don't think you should just leave him. You should get rid of the kids for a day, sit him down and have a long, calm discussion about why you're unhappy. Find out what he's unhappy about. Tell him you're thinking of leaving. Work out what needs to be changed and if you both want to do what's necessary to make the changes. Then go from there.

onceamai · 14/04/2011 07:53

How old are the children, what is he bringing in financially, why is he self-employed working from home? You say you are the main breadwinner now - so it wasn't always like that? Unemployment, depression, addiction? Sounds like you both need professional help before you can make a decision. Even if you leave him you will need to take proper financial advice, make sure he has the emotional support he needs and be sure you and children can have a reasonable standard of living and still fund two homes.

Sorry you are having such a tough time - in the short term I think you both need some professional mediation to deal with what you both expect from each other to get through say the next 6-9 months and then take it from there.

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