I don't like or respect my husband anymore

[thefairies]

Lots of reasons, but just a few in brief:

• He "works from home", but spends a lot of time on a computer game and complains he is getting a raw deal and can't do much work with the time available (6 hours, 5 times a week when the kids are at school).
• I am the main breadwinner now and yet when I get up at 5.45 to drive two and a half hours to the office and then drive the same time and distance back, he very rarely cooks me dinner.
• Last time I drove to the office I was so tired I nearly fell asleep at the wheel. This was partly because he plays on the computer game until late, which keeps me awake (doesn't help that I am a very light sleeper)!
• When the kids are back home from school, he often lets them either watch TV so he can go on his computer game. At weekends I have a battle to try and get him to spend "family time" with us, often because of the game!
• The house is a tip because he doesn't clear up often. I have offered to pay for a cleaner, but he thinks we don't need one, despite the grime!
• Last Christnas Eve he told me in front of the kids that he doesn't love me any more.
• After a rare night out he went straight back on the computer game and took umbrage that I was upset (ie: by getting all huffy then stomping off to sleep downstairs!).

There are loads more things I could cite, but I don't want to bore you. But in brief, I am totally fed up!

Five hours of driving, as well as a full day at work is too much for anyone and is a dangerous thing to try and keep up.

OP, I am also wondering why you "offered" to pay for a cleaner. Why didn't you just insist, since he's clearly not doing any of it? It sounds like you have been passive/ put up with far too much/ let him get away with behaving like shit.

This man is taking the piss out of you. This must stop! You deserve much better than this. If he consistently refuses to pull his weight you have to take control. Think also what you are both modelling to your kids about how relationships work...is this what you want them to learn? Because, like it or not, they will learn a hell of a lot from you both.

If you can move out for a while it may give him the boot up the backside that he needs to sort himself out. Or, for that matter, it may give you the boot to make your life work for you.

(should add that, like Yank, I'm also totally pro-marriage and working hard at relationships, etc.)

Oh god he's vile. Sorry, but he's lazy and an absolute pig.

You are blaming yourself for being a light sleeper! Well everyone is if they get disturbed like that!

If he's staying up late at night, I would bet my house he's sleeping in the day.

How much money does he actually bring in? That will reflect the amount of work he's doing.

He has an easy life, doesn't he? You are the main breadwinner. He doesn't do any housework or any cooking. He's on the computer games all the time.

You are working far too hard. The distance you are travelling is awful. Your blood pressure must be sky high when you come home to no food and another night of dragging him off the games.

The reason he might not be as keen on your elder daughter (unforgivable to say he doesn't love her) is because she probably sees through him - it's easier to fool a small child.

Get him out. Get a childminder for the children. Don't support him financially. Arrange specific times for him to see the children in his own place. He is bleeding you dry, financially and emotionally.

I would find it very difficult to live with (let alone like or respect) someone who was so involved with computer games and so indifferent to me & the family. Yes he is hiding in them. Sounds like your household is very unhappy at the moment.

Oh dear, how horrid for you OP - sorry, he sounds like a dick and a nasty one at that. He obv has no respect for you and all that you do and for him to say he doesnt love your eldest

I think you have your answer - guaranteed if you stick with him this will screw your kids (and you) up far more than if you seperate!

There's an important fact being missed here. What game is it?

I don't think it is necessarily all over for you if you don't want it to be, but you cannot go on as you are.

Firstly, you need to look after yourself better. Driving that distance every day is really dangerous, I commute about 1 to 1.30 hours a day and I find that plenty, much over an hour each way and you can really risk being tired and falling asleep at the wheel. Can you get another job nearer to home, go on the train or stay there a couple of nights a week? (it sounds unthinkable for a mum but plenty of men do this) Or move nearer to the job.

I would also sort out your own sleeping as you have to sleep to be safe to drive and able to do your job, so sleep on your own or if he's not in bed by X time, then say he can sleep on the sofa/airbed that night. You cannot be woken up by him every night, but I wouldn't wait for him to realise the game is ruining his marriage, I'd make sure I was getting a good night's sleep before tackling the rest.

I don't excuse what he said, but it very much seems like a lashing out thing to say (inexcusable, but have been known to say nasty thing myself), only you know if you think it had some truth to it (I very much doubt he really doens't love his child).

Get the cleaner, no question. Don't even ask him, just get one and then at least that's one less thing for you to worry about.

Once you have the driving,sleeping and cleaning a bit more under control, you can then focus on your marriage. I would just tell him straight, I can't go on like this and your game is going to break us up as I'm just not prepared to put up with your half-heartedness about us. Tell him that he has to do the housework and cooking when the children are around (not in his work hours) like everyone else.

This may not be insoluable, doing things like gaming (or going on MN) when you should be working is one of the problems of home-working (but I work late into the night to get my work done). But you are doing everything and must be physically if not mentally exhausted and you probably can't keep this up for much longer anyway.

sounds like a complete tosser! and I'd also question why you are still with him??

Personally, I think getting a cleaner will just enable him to carry on being a lazy, useless git. He will continue to play games while you pay for someone else to do what he should be doing.

He shouldn't be playing games at all while the DC are at school. He ought to be working. If he's not working then he ought to be contributing to the household by keeping it clean/doing the shopping etc. When the DC get home from school, his 'working' day is over. Yours is not, therefore he should feed the children, and make dinner for you and take the DC to their activities.

What are you getting out of this relationship? If nothing, then I think he needs to hear the true extent of your dissatisfaction.

I know that if my DH said what your did about our child, he'd be gone. Your 'D'H sounds like a petulant child. Someone on another thread recommended that an OP swop her DH for tax credits. In this case, I think it's good advice, unless you can get him to radically change his behaviour.

I think I'd bin the games while he was out and tell him to get his arse into gear, either by seeing a doctor wrt depression or just pulling his finger out and behaving like a husband and father should.

YANBU

But -- you say you may not want to leave him, because you have an old-fashioned view of marriage....but you are not inclined to go to counseling, because you're not sure it's recoverable. Which only leaves the status quo, which obviously is not sustainable.

He must not have been like this when you married him. Do you think the man you married is still in there somewhere?

If you really want to avoid divorce for the sake of the kids, please do think again about counseling. Or about some serious lifestyle changes, so you don't have that commute, or maybe he works out of the home.

He does sound awful. You can't go on like this.

If your children see him on the computer all the time, being more involved with a fictional game than he is with them, then it will do them emotional damage. They will feel a abandoned,ignored, or as if they are not sufficiently interesting to attract the attention of their parent.

By kicking him out, he can then make a choice- spend all his life playing a computer game, or using it as a wake up call to realise what's important.

I tell you what, if I treated my DH and my kids like that I'd have been kicked out by now! It's very inconsiderate to you and since you have all that driving, he should be enabling you to rest properly.

Get rid of the manchild.

A couple can fall back in love if they work at it... we did. It's hard coming back from the realisation you no longer love each other, but all it takes is sitting down and talking through why it went wrong (in our case, we drifted apart and grew immersed in our own lives and just stopped thinking about each other much)... you need to decide, if he got his act together and worked harder on the housework, kids and you, would it be enough to make you fall back in love, or is it broken forever? For us, the kids were enough incentive to work harder at trying to fix the rift, and three years on we are very close and happy together. So if you want to try that route, it is doable, but you do need yo want to.

I think the first step is banning the computer game. Those things can break up marriages.

Is the game he is constantly playing on an online interactive kind of game? And is it the same game every time? Is there any chance he could be having some sort of emotional interaction with someone else which is making him behave in this way.

I would be very suspicious of who he is talking to online until the early hours of the morning to be honest

Just stopped work for the day and logged on out of curiosity. Wasn't expecting all these messages, so it has made me feel quite emotional! Speedy, you have a point and I have threatened to move out in the past, but he pretty much went to pieces so I stayed. However, that was way before the situation deteriorated further, as it has since he told me he doesn't love me and said the unforgiveable thing about the eldest. Yesterday I had a meeting in town, but the rest of the week I've been working from home and his first priority every morning has been, not the kids who are off school but... gaming. Ironically on a game called A.R.S (you couldn't make it up!). I suppose overall the continual bickering and his irritation when I voice my disatisfaction with anything (I've given up asking him to do the laundry and just do it myself now) is wearing me down. I had some free reiki done the other weekend and burst into the tears when the therapist said she picked up I felt lost, alone and at a crossroads in life. She said my partner has distanced himself from me and I feel sad because there is nothing I can do about it. It is so true! Balsam, I suspect the "calm" chat will quickly degenerate as basically he believes he is the "hard done" by partner and that all I do is "have a go at him all the time". Well, what can you say to that? I took Monday off work (despite being really busy myself) to look after the kids as he had an important interview, but no thanks was given... As I said in my early posting there is so much more to everything than I've written, but I have limited reserves of energy and at the moment just dealing with the day to day, juggling my fulltime job and giving the kids some quality time takes up all my reserves.

Didn't realise there were so many messages here I hadn't read. A heartfelt thank you to all of you. He is going away for 10 days on Good Friday. My parents are coming down to "help" with the kids when they go back to school, so I will talk to them then. They know how horrible he can be but they still like him (he can be charming sometimes, although obviously I see little evidence these days ). When he gets back I will sit him down for a serious chat and make it clear we can't go on like this. Perhaps counselling is the last chance saloon. NestaFiesta is right... I can't risk damaging the kids and if his selfish behaviour continues then it is sending them very wrong messages indeed. I should know, my mum and dad were very unhappy and used to fight continually when I was growing up... perversely they are still together and in 2 years time will "celebrate" their golden wedding anniversary. The thought of me and him going another year let alone another 42 seems like torture to me!

Hi all
I have never posted anything on a site before but don't know where to turn
My husband of 30 years and I separated briefly last September as I found out by accident ( cookies left on his phone ) that he had been on lots of hook up sites stating he was single and signing pop ups for pics
He hasn't met anyone ( I know this as he never goes out alone ...neither do I)
He was also letching after other women on internet games i.e. Chess etc just creepy things like saying sorry I lost the game but at least I could admire your beauty whilst we played ( I find this creepy anyway)
He also started playing words with friends and spoke to a young woman in America for about 4 months over 3 years ago (. Found this out because he told me about this as he said he wanted a clean start with no secrets or lies ) apparently she was early 20s he is 50
I wanted him out of the house when I discovered the lies etc and he did leave although he phoned texted and kept calling round every day for the 3 months he wasn't living here
He says he doesn't know why he did any of this ...that it was just a game and meant nothing and that he would do anything to change things
He has lost a lot of weight 4 1/2 stones and looks terrible so I know he is sorry
He signed the house over to me and has said he will do anything go anywhere etc if I will just be with him even if I can't love him anymore
The problem is it I can not get over the lies or betrayal especially as when these things were happening I was very ill with what was diagnosed as IBS in fact it turned out after I dem Andes a scan I had ovarian tumours which fortunately were benign
I keep trying to move on tell myself he wasn't physically unfaithful but I can't get over the hurt
I feel broken and as if my world has been shattered
I don't know what to do
I loved him deeply from the day we met and have done for the 30 years together but feel I want it to be over
When I tell him he breaks down and says he wishes he was dead ...that he needs and loves me and regrets everything
Please help ... my mind is not thinking correctly 😢😢😢

D.....you have posted on a very old thread so no one will comment really.

Start a new thread and copy and paste this post.

dlh2410 - this thread is from 2011! Please start your own thread.

I know this is an old thread, but it popped up on the first page of google when I typed that I don't like my husband anymore! So here is something for anyone still coming back here to consider... OP, might your husband have ADHD? Google Adult ADHD and marriage and you might be surprised at how much your marriage sounds like an ADHD-impacted one. My husband has it, and we are in the same boat. I am the primary breadwinner. I am basically the only parent (he says hi to our daughter and that's literally the extent of his parenting). He blurts out mean and impulsive things as your husband does. He retreats to the computer basically every waking minute at home because it feeds his ADHD brain like nothing else. I can't wait to get out of this marriage. I am stuck until my girl is a bit older because any court will split custody some which way. When she is alone with him, he never feeds her, doesn't help with homework and doesn't actually interact with her at all. I can't leave because I can't do that to her. Anyway, I digress... look into ADHD... it could be the silent killer in your marriage.

Well, the gaming console would be destroyed - no questions there!
As you're the main breadwinner, I'd tell him straight to get his act together or piss off.

Your husband sounds very much like my exh. I stayed with him for years, because I believed he was depressed.
So what?
The thing was, he knew he was depressed but chose not to get help, but to make us all share his misery instead. Which he succeeded at.
He was aware that he was depressed, because I once threatened to leave unless he got help. He took antidepressants and 5 weeks later the sun came out for a whole week. Then he decided not to bother with the tablets, and the sun went straight back in again.
What I'm trying to say is, your husband may or may not be depressed, but that is not your responsibility. unless he is willing to do something about it and stop visiting his misery on others, there is no future for you.
It certainly isnt a free pass to treat people who love you like shit. If he is not prepared to try and fix it, you would be much better getting rid.
My kids breathed a huge sigh of relief when he left. Not because they didn't love him but because he made our home a tense and uncomfortable place. They still have a relationship with him, but 10 years on, I thank my lucky stars I got rid when i did.