To not want FIl to hit DS?

[TotallyandUtterly]

DS is 3. He's generally very well behaved although he does get boisterous at times (don't they all?)

DH's father sadly passed away when DH was a teenager and MIL has remarried. Step FIL never bothered with his own child and she now harbours a lot of resentment for him- but she does like all of us so she comes to see us, etc. She's really lovely.

MIL and SFIL rarely bother with our DCs. They see them one afternoon a week. Considering DH's family are all very close (and have always lived in each other's pockets, including aunties, uncles, etc), this does cause some tension. SFIL is usually at work on the afternoon that MIL does have them. They also live in the next street but never call round. However, they do act like doting, wonderful GPs at family parties, etc. They also go on about how much they love the kids- when it suits them.

Today DS came home and was creating a bit. When they'd gone, I asked him why and he said that SFIL had smacked him because he tried to put his own seatbelt on. I assumed, at first, that he was telling porkies. However, he was genuinely upset about it and repeated the story a few times- same account every time.

I rang my mum and said what had happened and as i was saying 'he can't just hit my children', he walked in the door. He doesn't seem to like me much anyway, despite the fact i've always made an effort. He looked a bit sheepish, said he'd forgotten to give us our calpol back and I said 'just put it on the side'. I continued talking on the phone (which I wouldn't normall have done, but was quite flustered and also cross). He then walked out.

When I put DS to bed I said 'you did have a good day though didn't you?' to which he replied 'no, grandad smacked me and upset me.' So I'm pretty certain he's telling the truth.

I asked mum what I should do and she said she thinks it's out of order but there's not a lot I can do.

But I'm really concerned and in those first couple of hours of angryness when it keeps running through your head and you can't really process it properly.

So... I need some advice.

3 year olds can make stuff up - my 2.6 year old does. The other day I was changing his nappy and he started screaming and saying "Don't put cream on me!" I never use cream unless he's really sore (which has happened once when he was ill) so it was out of the blue. I told him I wasn't using cream and asked him who did. He said his childminder used cream but he didn't like it, so I said "Shall I tell CM not to use cream?" and he said yes. This morning I dropped him off and mentioned it and she looked confused and said "I've never used cream on him - I'd ask you first, in case he had any allergies." and said that she doesn't use it on her DCs either. I have no reason to doubt her at all.

He also told me that Daddy stamps on his stepsister when she is naughty. (And demonstrated with a toy!) I very very much doubt this! However after seeing his Dad he has picked up a very deliberate smacking action where he will come up to me, hold my arm and smack the back of my wrist saying "Naughty girl!" which I suspect is something he's seen or had happen to him - probably seen since I'm a "good boy Mummy" as well.

I think most of the time it's easy to tell if they have made stuff up or not, but sometimes they do just repeat things they have heard or seen in odd ways. They're experimenting ATM with the truth to see if what they say can change things, or what happens if they say something which isn't true. It's related to why they find it so funny when you do something "wrong" like make a giraffe drive a car or try to put their trousers on their head.

If I had someone looking after my child and they didn't conform to my rules, then they wouldn't be looking after them.End of.

Firstly, find out what happened. Children do say things like 'mummy hit me' at this age when you accidentally fall into them or something, mine have said things which weren't technically true at all (or at least not how they would sound to another adult).

If he did hit/smack him, make it very very clear that it must never happen again.

Personally, I don't think this is crime of the century. The vast majority of parents in this country smack their children (not that that is represented on MN). I hate smacking and try never to do it, but I have done it a handful of time. My mum looks after my children a couple of days a week for many years, she's smacked one of them once. She was devastated and cried buckets, I actually didn't mind as I have been provoked beyond endurance with my then four year old and smacked her, so asking her to be saintly when looking after them seemed too much. However, the big difference is that she doesn't believe in smacking and will endeavour never to do it again.

onetoomany surely it's not true that the vast majority smack their children. Just about everybody I know in my generation is strongly against smacking and wouldn't do so. Previous generations, maybe, but not now IME.

Side issue of the thread, I know...

You must have your DH on side here - and for HI and you to calmly and directly explain that hitting your children is not something you do and not something any other adult has the right to do and you would like them to agree not to do this ever again.

I don't understand why ther is tension or a 'rift' when they have the children one afternoon a week, and are working grandparents, and they are perfectly doting gps etc - that is a LOT of involvement and generosity!

Go over with your DH and say 'ds was a bit upset the other day and said gd had smacked him - there may be a misunderstanding, I know you look after him often, but we all need to have a consistent approach to discipline: we don't hit, it was very shocking and upsetting to DS, he has talked about it since, and obviously we want him to have a good relationship with you. Our bottom ine is - no one has consent to smack our children, I hope that is OK and understood from now on'.

You definately need to tell them it is unacceptable and see what they say. Although they don't sound like the easiest to to talk to so good luck with that!

They are weird for insisting they look after your children alone! Bit strange.

One thing confused me though. You said they don't bother with your dcs but that they have them for an afternoon once a week. I would say that's quite a lot of bothering.