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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want FIl to hit DS?

56 replies

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 20:35

DS is 3. He's generally very well behaved although he does get boisterous at times (don't they all?)

DH's father sadly passed away when DH was a teenager and MIL has remarried. Step FIL never bothered with his own child and she now harbours a lot of resentment for him- but she does like all of us so she comes to see us, etc. She's really lovely.

MIL and SFIL rarely bother with our DCs. They see them one afternoon a week. Considering DH's family are all very close (and have always lived in each other's pockets, including aunties, uncles, etc), this does cause some tension. SFIL is usually at work on the afternoon that MIL does have them. They also live in the next street but never call round. However, they do act like doting, wonderful GPs at family parties, etc. They also go on about how much they love the kids- when it suits them.

Today DS came home and was creating a bit. When they'd gone, I asked him why and he said that SFIL had smacked him because he tried to put his own seatbelt on. I assumed, at first, that he was telling porkies. However, he was genuinely upset about it and repeated the story a few times- same account every time.

I rang my mum and said what had happened and as i was saying 'he can't just hit my children', he walked in the door. He doesn't seem to like me much anyway, despite the fact i've always made an effort. He looked a bit sheepish, said he'd forgotten to give us our calpol back and I said 'just put it on the side'. I continued talking on the phone (which I wouldn't normall have done, but was quite flustered and also cross). He then walked out.

When I put DS to bed I said 'you did have a good day though didn't you?' to which he replied 'no, grandad smacked me and upset me.' So I'm pretty certain he's telling the truth.

I asked mum what I should do and she said she thinks it's out of order but there's not a lot I can do.

But I'm really concerned and in those first couple of hours of angryness when it keeps running through your head and you can't really process it properly.

So... I need some advice.

OP posts:

whatsallthehullaballoo · 13/04/2011 21:02

Tell him that if he smacks your son again you will call the police. Disgusting man on a power trip.

Original poster

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 21:07

Everyone on here is backing up exactly what my thoughts are. It's good to know others have been through similar (well, not good, but you know what I mean).

I'm worried that I'll mention it and they'll totally deny it whether it's true or not. What should I say in that situation? Just a general 'ok, fair enough, but please don't ever discipline our DCs in this way'?

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 13/04/2011 21:07

I am so angry for you. SFIL was completely out of order and needs to be told that. I'm assuming DH agrees with you about this - so can you not get DH to tell him, since it's 'his' family and so he may find it a bit easier to say.

As others have said, I wouldn't trust them to have your DC on their own again. They've lost your trust and that would be it for me, I'm afraid.

Animation · 13/04/2011 21:10

He needs bloody walling up!

Mutt · 13/04/2011 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MooMooFarm · 13/04/2011 21:11

Whether they deny it or not, I would go with your instincts. If you believe your son, don't let them sway you. Why would your DC make up a story like that anyway, he's only 3.

Whatever they say, you've then had your say and you can at least know you've made it clear to them that hitting your child is unacceptable (although as I'm typing I'm thinking surely that was obvious anyway!). And you can stop leaving your DC with them - that's 100% your choice. It doesn't sound like your DC will be missing out on much anyway. Sadly GPs aren't always lovely and cuddly like the ones on tv

Hassled · 13/04/2011 21:12

In your shoes I wouldn't ever let them see your kids unsupervised again. They smack them, they smoke in front of them when asked not to - it's hideous. They can want to see the GCs alone all they want - doesn't mean you have to let them. Time to retake the control.

Original poster

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 21:17

I know DH will be secretly worried as his mum manipulates the whole family. He's really close to the rest of them. She clearly wanted to do a nice thing today by taking them out, etc. SFIL has just ruined it. But she will defend him over anyone, even her own DCs. She also shouts DH down whenever he tries to speak to her about anything. However, we really can't let this one pass. I'm unsure whether he heard me telling my mum on the phone, not that that makes much difference I suppose.

MIL is so very bitter and twisted, she'll be a nightmare, but it's so much more important that our DCs are well looked after and DH will definately agree with that- the Dcs are his world so he will be so annoyed.

Arrrghhhh families.

OP posts:

bellavita · 13/04/2011 21:18

It will fester if you do not say anything. Just say that you understood SFIL had smacked DS and you do not want him smacked. Say your plans are changing from next week and they need to come to you to see him.

Shakirasma · 13/04/2011 21:21

Christ on a bike what a load of drama llamas!

Maybe the op should actually speak to these people about what exactly happened, and have a discussion about her discipline choices before we chop the guys bollocks of hey?

I honestly cannot believe the over reaction on this thread. It may have just been a tap on the hand but you lot are condeming him just as if he'd punched him square in the face! A little perspective please! Or should be not let the facts get in the way of a good public flogging?

MooMooFarm · 13/04/2011 21:29

It's not just the smacking - OP has also said that she has always found him 'strange'; that he's called her DS nasty names, and that they both smoke around him. To me that doesn't sound like the kind of people who want to comply with the parents wishes.

heliumballoons · 13/04/2011 21:33

My M & D had my DS once for the night and 1 of them smacked him. My Dad told me he had been smacked but I don't know who did it. I reinforced what I'd been saying since his birth - that they undermine me for disciplining him so he believed he could behave how he wanted with them. That they needed to be supportive - and respect I chose not to smack and use warnings so DS has clear boundaries. I did turn down offers to have him for the day for months afterwards and I think they got that I was annoyed about it.

Its wierd though as threads like this make me realise how much it upset me that someone else smacked my DS.

JingleMum · 13/04/2011 21:34

TotallyandUtterly i feel for your DH, it's not a nice situation for him. but as much as he loves his mum and family, his kids are his priority and he obviously loves them more than anyone, so he will need to say something. you seem like a great DIL and you are doing totally the right thing by bringing it up. if you didn't and it happened again then you'd probably explode and fall out with them big time, so it's best to nip it in the bud now.

keep us updated, let us know what DH says.

heliumballoons · 13/04/2011 21:35

Sorry sent too soon. op you need to speak to SFIL. Make it clear you don't agree with smacking/ don't want them using that as a way of disciplining. Also find out why he was smacked.

Animation · 13/04/2011 21:44

Totally - ask yourself - "who's in charge around here" ??

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/04/2011 22:52

I had this with my MIL. When the DC were young we used to meet up at our or SIL's house (she had same number of DC) every Friday afternoon. One afternoon MIL smacked DS1, so long ago I can't remember the circumstances or where he was smacked. I was so shocked I didn't say anything that day, talked it over with DH and the next time I saw her I said to her that I didn't want her to smack DC. She could tell them off, but smacking was an absolute no-no. She was not happy, but I just kept repeating that she was not to smack, ever. Seeing as she has never babysat them I was always there, but even with me there, she still did hit. It didn't cause a rift, but something did have to be said.

OP, I wouldn't leave the DC with them on their own again ever. Your DH or you need to say something or it will fester. In your situation something needs to be said sooner rather than later. It doesn't matter whether it was just a little tap or a smack (as another poster mentioned). It's your DC and your rules in this instance (although usually I say if people are babysitting your DC it's their rules).

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/04/2011 22:54

Also meant to mention that I have since had trouble with my DF in this regard. It was not the only problem that we have had with him, but it was the start of a big decline in the closeness of our family, unfortunately, but he is not bothered as he doesn't like anyone to come between him and DM; the more he is the centre of her attention, the better.

CocktailQueen · 13/04/2011 23:17

OP: you asaid: 'MIL and SFIL rarely bother with our DCs. They see them one afternoon a week.' but you mean that they LOOK AFTER them one pm a week? That's a v close rel'ship to me!!

You need to have a chat w them re the disciple you expect eith your DCs if they are looking after them, what is acceptable and what is not.

CheerfulYank · 13/04/2011 23:31

bellavita

OP you could just say, "We don't smack the children and we don't allow anyone else to." Don't see why it has to be a big rift.

YANBU, for sure!

rosie1979 · 14/04/2011 09:39

You have to confront him and say he must never, never hit your ds.

I would also be really worried if my ds said he had been called "dirty and naughty" as you say he told you. 3 year olds would not make this up - why would he?

Also the smoking - again - why would he make this up if he is copying the actions?

I would not let them look after the dcs alone until you are sure they will not hit, not smoke and not say horrible things - I feel so angry for you and so sad for your ds. :(

dearyme · 14/04/2011 09:41

MIL and SFIL rarely bother with our DCs. They see them one afternoon a week.

doesnt sound like not bothering to me

not bothering is not seeing them for six months at a time

Alouiseg · 14/04/2011 09:45

They sound horrible to be honest, hitting a 3 year old and smoking around him :(

They would not be darkening my door again. Your Mil obviously thinks that she rules the family, you need to take charge of your family. No more pandering to them.

Alouiseg · 14/04/2011 09:46

Point out to them that if he tells anyone at nursery what happened to him that they could be in big trouble.

ohnoudidnt · 14/04/2011 09:47

Wonder if it has happened before? Your little boy is only 3 now so at least he can tell you...but what if it is not the first time and ds was too little to tell you!!!This is not accepatable and I would NEVER allow him to be with you child again on his own.Defo ask him what happened and say who the hec does he think he is touching your little one.I would be ready to KILL.

ohnoudidnt · 14/04/2011 10:04

Just read page 1. Why the hell are you allowing these people anywhere near your child? If your dh wants a relationship with them that his choice,but you and your child can also choose too.Smoking and saying vile things to a child like that.I am really confused why you would allow them anywhere near him...and if they ask why tell them the truth,they are not worthy of him...ffs pull yourself together!!!!

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