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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by DP?

31 replies

tigerhead · 13/04/2011 20:34

DP and I have been together for almost 2 yrs, no DCs, we aren't living together but we do live close by.

When we first started the relationship, everything was fab, he was attentive, caring, made lots of effort and it was an all round brilliant relationship.

Things have changed though. He's been busy with work, which is understandable, but how hard is a text/phone call? Sometimes we will go for a couple of days without talking if I don't contact him first.

It just feels like he really doesn't care. For our anniversary, I was keen to do something special, but I had to convince him to even spend the night together, nevermind go out. We ended up staying in and watching telly, no card, prezzie, nothing - which is fine, don't get me wrong, I'm not a materialistic woman at all, but I don't think it was unreasonable to expect SOMETHING.

In the entire time we have been together we have never been out for a nice meal. I suggested we go on holiday, he seemed keen but has mentioned nothing since, and when I asked he said he wasn't sure if he would be available. He always suggests we do things, but then never follows through with them and just says 'sorry' when I remind him. We don't argue, when I try and bring something up he acts hurt so I don't take it any further.

AIBU to be upset by his lack of caring, or are they all just trivial things?

OP posts:
Happymm · 13/04/2011 20:37

This is not trivial,as I suspect you already know. Think this relationship is a no goer, sorry :(

hardhatdonned · 13/04/2011 20:40

Why are you with him?

Flowerpotmummy · 13/04/2011 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 13/04/2011 20:42

all relationships settle down. Hearts and flowers and flaming loins doesn't last forever. That first flush of new romance fades. What's left is a relationship.

However. There is a difference between a relationship and the staleness that you describe. It doesn't sound like he's much bothered, tbh. Doesn't even want to spend your anniversary together?

Love, I don't think he could spell it out any clearer if he hung a 20ft banner from the top of big ben.

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 20:43

he's just not that into you

sorry

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 13/04/2011 20:43

Sorry, doesn't sound good. What exactly do you do together?

squeakytoy · 13/04/2011 20:44

It just feels like he really doesn't care

I am really sorry to say this, but you are right, he doesnt care.

I would give him an ultimatum, but I suspect after 2 years, this is what he is, and he aint going to improve.

And I dont think you can even call him a partner tbh.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 13/04/2011 20:46

Don't think of it as 2 years wasted - think of it as 50 years saved!!

Pancakeflipper · 13/04/2011 20:48

I think he's drifted into lazy mode. He needs a good kick up the bottom. Tell him his arse has to be sat on that chair at your dining room table on Friday night and you tell him exactly how you feel and he shapes up or over.

I'd give him a chance to pull his socks up. My DP adores me but he slips into 'taking me for granted mode'. He's a workalcoholic too. But be clear it's not acceptable.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 13/04/2011 20:48

Grin Chippy!

hotcrossSES · 13/04/2011 20:50

I'm sorry but I agree with the other posters. DH sometimes doesn't make a huge fuss about birthdays and anniversaries but I know in other ways that he cares and we do enjoy meals out together and he does randomly do things that make me feel special.
I don't understand why you are with him and what he brings to the relationship.

CocktailQueen · 13/04/2011 21:00

Hmm, doesn't sound like he's making much effort to make you happy/do things with you - doesn't sound like his heart is in this relationship at all. Maybe sit down and have a chat about where you see yourselves in 5 years? That might send him running for the hills Wink - at this stage everything should be lvoely. You shouldn't be taking each other for granted. Or else what will happen in the coming years??? I'd cut your losses and leave I think.

Bearcat · 13/04/2011 21:13

Work colleague had a similar relationship that lasted 5 years before she finally ditched him.
He was also really mean financially (she always said he had plenty of money), even though my colleague was working full time, buying her own place and trying to get by on a relatively low wage.
He would never treat her to a meal out, always expected that if they went out she paid half, and if they went to the pub and he bought the first 2 drinks he then would expect her to buy them both a drink even though it may be her last £5 note she had until payday.
In the last few months they talked about moving in together and he led her along for a few weeks under the pretence of looking at houses to buy, then it all went quiet. She knew nothing was going to change.
She finally had the courage to dump him, although she was worried about being lonely, but she deserves better than him who had an attractive lady on his arm every weekend (when he wasn't on the golf course) and everything else he enjoyed in that relationship but under his terms only.
Take a leaf from her book and don't let your life drift on in a crap relationship like this. You're obviously not happy with the way its going.

Original poster
tigerhead · 13/04/2011 21:16

I love him to bits, and I know that he loves me too, but I'm the kind of person who needs to be shown that.

He can be very loving, but when we aren't physically together he doesn't make much effort to contact me which I find upsetting.

Do you think there's any way I can make this relationship work? I don't want to end it, I just want it to be good again!

OP posts:
Happymm · 13/04/2011 21:19

It won't be, as you know. It's true-he's just not that into you. If he were, then he would show you that. Sorry. I know you want to hear differently but you won't, :(

Hassled · 13/04/2011 21:20

2 years together, no DCs, and you've never been out for a meal together? That really doesn't sound like much of a relationship. And your expectations really aren't unreasonable - don't be fooled into thinking that you're asking too much; you're not.

Your choices are to keep working at it, hoping that one day his personality will completely change and he'll start realising that you have to make an effort with the person you love (and he has to realise that himself), or you can walk away, chalk it up to experience and find someone who's prepared to give you what you need.

NellieForbush · 13/04/2011 21:45

He sounds like my ex (with him for a year). I gave him an ultimatum and he ignored it and we split up. I realised then that he was never that bothered. It was convenient for him and I think he really liked me - just nowhere as much as I liked him. I was gutted.

Don't waste any more time on him. Don't ring him. See if he ever rings you. Ask him where its going?

Original poster
tigerhead · 13/04/2011 21:51

Oh dear, you're right, I am being told what I didn't want to hear Blush

I think I'm just afraid of being single, which does sound really silly!

I like him as a friend as well as loving him, but it seemed like he spent more time on our friendship before we were together than our relationship now!

He has also been texting someone else - nothing romantic (as far as I know), but he definitely seems to make more effort with contacting her than me.

OP posts:
hotcrossSES · 13/04/2011 21:56

I'm really sorry tigerhead but I think you have your answer :(

I was with my ex for 4yrs and knew deep down it wasn't right after 2yrs but, like you, was afraid of being single. In the end we had a messy break up and now don't speak but within 2 yrs I met my now DH and knew within weeks that he cared deeply for me and that we would be married.

It sounds like you deserve so much better than him - there will be someone else out there for you.

CurrySpice · 13/04/2011 22:03

Oh OP - it doesn't sound good does it?

He doesn't sound very D or P to me :(

Dawnybabe · 13/04/2011 22:04

Oh well there you are then. Are you his priority? Obviously not. Stop wasting your life and chalk it up to experience.

Do you still want to be feeling like this in another two years time? When you could have met someone who does appreciate you and actually wants to spend time with you? This is not a relationship, this is a lazy twat who hasn't got the balls to dump you cos he's hoping you'll do that for him too.

Sorry to be harsh hon but please wake up.

Big hugs and good luck.

Olivetti · 13/04/2011 22:05

tigerhead - this was me about 5 years ago, almost to the letter. In fact I am almost wondering whether you are seeing the same man! Grin
Exacty the same - never heard from him unless I contacted him, he could be lovely but also didn't seem bothered, I was terrified of being single again so clung on. He finished it in the end, but only after I had finally asked him whether he wanted to (after spending months dreading the answer).
Anyway - I was gutted. It was Christmas, I was comng up to a depressing birthday, and I basically resigned myself to being single. New year's day 2007 was the most depressing day ever, back in my childhood bed at my parents' house.
Well, I got myself together, and decided just to enjoy myself with my friends and travel etc. Fast forward 8 months and...you guessed it...along came Prince Charming, out of the blue! And he's now my DH and I have a gorgeous little DD. So, what I am saying is....if he's just not that into you, go and find the person that is, and don't waste another minute on this joker! Best wishes.

CurrySpice · 13/04/2011 22:10

Olivetti, I think I must be tired because that just made me full up Blush

CurrySpice · 13/04/2011 22:10

fill

Original poster
tigerhead · 13/04/2011 22:37

I'm sitting here in floods of tears because I know that you're all right, I just didn't want to admit it to myself Blush

Thank you everyone, for all of your advice.

OP posts: