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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i need answers plz

41 replies

cara0705 · 13/04/2011 15:07

before i start this will cause a riot!!

to start at the start without boring theres me and my sister i have two dd and this is her 1st, then after alot of failed attempts she told the family she was pregnant to our joy as she had been so desparate for a child of her own...

now this is the part.

she went for her 12 week scan last week and got the nt scan as down syndrome runs in our family, howerver it was to my shock that she said 'if anything was the matter with her unborn child she would just have to get rid' as its not a life for a child with all the medication and docs appointments well.. that got me really angry as i thought your ment to love your child no matter what.

and hear im listening to my selfish younger sis who is saying if its not perfect then im not having it.

i know everyone has an opinion but shes the sort of girl that laughed when my dd got glasses as then she wasn't 'perfect' shes very vain. our mother brought us up not to be vain and shallow and i feel sick that she would just get rid of a baby knowing it had problems.

i don't want to start a fight on here but im just curious to see if anyone else thinks this is 'WRONG' sorry to moan but im at my wits ends.
and ive also found out that when all this broke out that most of my family encluding my dh who i thought i knew btw would also get rid of a baby if they where ever in this situation.
and another thing our cousin was diagnosed with cancer at a young age and now shes on medication for life and has regular check ups at hospital so when reminding her she just shrugged it off with a laugh.
needless to say shes not giveing her partner a say in any of this at all sorry for the rant and possible side affect it will cause.

am i the only 1 that thinks its wrong.

OP posts:

Balsam · 13/04/2011 15:11

There's no right or wrong, only personal choice.

Insomnia11 · 13/04/2011 15:12

I don't think it's "wrong" per se, I think it's a very individual decision as to whether to terminate a pregnancy for a disability and it also depends on the severity.

Hopefully though it won't be an issue.

GeekCool · 13/04/2011 15:13

Aaand breathe.

Unfortunately, some people are blind to the reality of life and expect to be handed a doll when they give birth. YANBU to be upset by their attitude, but it's worth picking your battles imo - such as when your dd got glasses and she was cruel then.

It's a very individual decision and not everyone is comfortable/capable of raising a child with SN. What irritates me most is Downs Syndrome being the most 'picked upon' of SN, almost as if there is a line of what is acceptable and what is not. I think a fair few people lack knowledge of DS and spout nonsense based on fear.

blackeyedsusan · 13/04/2011 15:15

personally I wouldn't have got rid. we didn't have the tests deliberately. but everyone has to make their own decision and it is never easy.

she doesn't sound nice to be around.

oh and doesn't she realise that you can not scan for everything. you never know what you will get.

LilQueenie · 13/04/2011 15:15

Inmy opinion if she can laugh at a child for needing glasses then she is clearly not ready to have her own child. yes she is being unreasonable.

FAB5 · 13/04/2011 15:17

I was very blase about having an abortion if my child had SN. Then I had a threatened miscarriage and all I wanted was my baby born alive. When my youngest had problems on the scan we refused an amnio and said we would have him whatever his issues.

People may feel differently in a certain situation and then completely change their mind when real life intervenes.

It is her baby and her choice, you don't have to like it but you do have to accept it.

Original poster

cara0705 · 13/04/2011 15:17

thank you geekcool, i have no knowledge at all tbh and i know its not a decision you make lightly, i know its only my opinion and everyones entitled to one. it just felt like i was the only one to notice that it was wrong out of my whole family.

OP posts:

Punkatheart · 13/04/2011 15:17

Yes, it is an extremely personal decision. I knew a father who pressured his wife to get rid of their child because it had one kidney. My little girl has one kidney and yes, it upset me. But I kept my thoughts to myself.

Most people know what they are capable of and it is after all their life. Sad, but true.

GeekCool · 13/04/2011 15:20

Also, during early stages of a first pregnancy, it may not still seem real, it can take a while. Once reality sets in opinions change.
I wouldn't be too hard on your OH as some men are quite detatched during pregnancy as physically it isn't happening to them if that makes sense.
It's usually a scan, a heartbeat check or a kick to their hand from bump that brings them into focus.

dearyme · 13/04/2011 15:21

its up to the parents

Leverkusen · 13/04/2011 15:23

It's a very personal decision, but I do find it difficult to comprehend that by these tests we can remove all those with Downs Syndrome from our society. I think it's very shocking, if you look at it in that way.

heliumballoons · 13/04/2011 15:24

But it's not 'wrong' to have a termination because a baby could be/will be born with SN. It is wrong however to be cruel to a child because they wear glasses.

If she's waited to be PG a long time this may have become a shock to her and broken her idea of a 'the perfect baby' she was going to have. Maybe her bravado is fear?

I would not terminate a pregnancy because of SN but I respect those who make that choice.

dearyme · 13/04/2011 15:25

but not everyone will abort, so you wont be removing people with DS from society

it would be a lovely world if no child had to suffer pain, disease or illness imo

Original poster

cara0705 · 13/04/2011 15:25

i never had any test with my two dd as i would of loved it no matter what.
i think its cause shes seen it 1st hand with our cousin and knew how hard it was for him growing up feeling different to others and questioning us as to why hes not 'normal'.
but from a young age i told him its cause you extra special. and his smile would light up anyones heart regardless his apperance.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 13/04/2011 15:27

It's wrong for you and wrong to you but if your sister doesn't feel that she could cope with a child with DS then that is up to her. What if she had the baby and then couldn't cope? It would be a baby with DS and no mother who would need to be fostered/adopted.

I recently found I was pg (but sadly MC'd) and asked DH what he would want to do if there was an indication of DS - seeing that I'm now 43, it's not beyond the realms of possibility. He also would prefer to "get rid of it" but we weren't given the choice this time. However, I know he feels like that - and we're still ttc #2 - so the dilemma may arise again.

I wouldn't be at all happy being pressured into keeping a child against my will; or being pressured into getting rid of one against my will. Neither scenario is a good one.

So you being at your wits end with your "selfish" sister is no use to anyone because it is not your baby and not your decision.

Original poster

cara0705 · 13/04/2011 15:28

i agree dearyme, no child should.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 13/04/2011 15:29

you could say to her - ok thats your choice,

fact is we get the option when something is diagnosed prenatally, to make a decision either way.

each person's choice.

but - you could raise the issue - in a non confrontational let's debate this scenarion: :

now what if after being born your baby gets some illness or has an accident and loses a leg or an arm or her sight or becomes more severely disabled - what will you do then?

or has to wear glasses or has hearing loss or other condition not diagnosable prenatally?

will you give it up for adoption then in that scenario?

presumably she will say yes.

again her choice.

ultimately tho - no one knows if they capable of dealing with a challenge til it's upon them. and people can surprise themselves - because they feel there is no option but to face it and deal with it head on.

i had a nanny share when my (disabled) ds was little - the mum said -as quoted to me by the nanny - "i could never deal with one like that". (i was anoyed at the time)

fast forward a few years and her dd was diagosed with quite severe dyspraxia - guess what, she coped after all .

saffy85 · 13/04/2011 15:29

It's a personal decision but people who feel the way your sister does should bear in mind that some problems aren't picked up tillafter the birth- they either went undetected during any pre birth scans/tests or they develop during or after the birth.

My sister's friend had a text book pregnancy until the 28th week when her waters broke and her son was born with Cerebal Palsy. Several months later it was discovered he had Down Syndrome too. Don't know why it took this long to find out about DS but it did. There are no gurantees of a healthy child unfortunately.

Vallhala · 13/04/2011 15:29

It's entirely down to your DSis what she thinks or does should she be misfortunate enough to have to face that choice. After all, she is the one who will have to live with her decision, whatever that might be, not you or I.

I would have decided not to go ahead with a pregnancy had a Downs diagnosis been made as I would not have been able to cope. I respect those who can and/or do and the opinion they have however.

Ormirian · 13/04/2011 15:30

If she genuinely feels she couldnt cope for whatever reasons then maybe she's right to terminate. Both she and the baby might be miserable if she was and unhappy and unwilling mother. I can see why you feel as you do though.

cestlavielife · 13/04/2011 15:31

no one should - but it isnt real life is it? a utopia free of cancer, diseases, disability? nope. it doesnt exist.

Ormirian · 13/04/2011 15:32

TBH when there was a slighltly raised risk of Downs with DS2 the thing that worried me was that one day DH and I wouldn't be there and DS1 and DD might have to be the ones that took on the care of DS2. I would hate to tie them down to such a responsbility not of their own making.

Newgolddream · 13/04/2011 15:32

it just felt like i was the only one to notice that it was wrong out of my whole family.

Its not wrong to consider a termination - you may think it is but that doesnt mean it is. Its a personal choice at the end of the day.

bemybebe · 13/04/2011 15:35

This is her body and her child. She is not obliged to love it from the moment of conception. Whether to keep the fetus is a personal decision and it is none of your business, frankly. Just as it is "none of her business" to pass judgement in relation to your children (unless your children are suffering from neglect, which they do not of course).

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 13/04/2011 15:44

Do you want a medal because you're clearly so much better than her?

MYOB.

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