To think it's not possible to fully recover from an eating disorder?

[squasages]

Am really hoping people will say IABU.

When I met my dh I had uncontrolled bulimia and a BMI just above the level to give an anorexia dx too. I binge/purged several times a day, every day. I was a mess.

Fast forward 5 years and with the help of some long term sick leave, intensive outpatient therapy and longer term private therapy, I no longer purge. I am 4 stone heavier (!) and have a six month old ds.

However, my dh said to me yesterday that he is concerned that I won't be healthy/around when ds is older because of my eating. I still eat (mostly sweet things) compulsively every day to manage stress. I still eat in secret.

I'm gutted. Compared to where I was 5 years ago I am so much better, but compared to the woman in the street I don't think I will ever have a healthy relationship with food.

Is it possible to recover? Given that the last time I had a healthy relationship with food I was about 10 years old.

Regular but name changed btw

I recovered.

It took a long time, but I would say I have a healthier relationship with food than most people!

Could you go back to therapy for a while? Like you I had intensive outpatient therapy, which saved my life, but I needed the longer term psychotherapy onand off for a good few years.

COngratulations on getting so far - a fine achievement.

I think he is wrong. It takes time and there will still be traces of it that remain but recovery is possible. I am thinking about the people close to me who have had severe eating disorders and who have come through the other side and are like anyone else around food now.

But it sounds as if you have a pretty good idea of where you stand OP (stress=glitches with food), don't let your dh discourage you.

Do you think you need some additional support?

Off out for a bit but will read when I get back. Thanks nethuns and lionheart for replying.

i was bulimic on and off for about 15 years and I would say I am now fully recovered (haven't binged/purged for 10+ years.)

I did replace one addiction with another (compulsive use of a supposedly non-addictive drug) for a few years though, perhaps demonstrating it wasn't all about food but about controlling stress and holding on to secretive behaviour.

Since you are still eating in secret, maybe you haven't fully addressed your problems?

best wishes.

I have to agree with you, and I am also someone with an eating disorder, but less of a mess than I used to be.

I don't feel as if I can or will ever have a healthy relationship with food. Every time I try to get myself closer to people's 'normal relationship with food' I tend to relapse.

I have gotten far though, and for that I'm somewhat proud of myself. Just take things slowly and try not to push yourself too quickly. Also, don't worry about BMIs, they are crap. :)

Agree with Yukana

I don't think I will ever have a fully healthy relationship with food, but I think I have a more comfortable one now.

One thing I found really helped was getting into some kind of competitive sport, even on a very casual level (I run, just for a local club). The reason was that it made me see my body and food in a different way. Now, food before a run feels much more like 'fuel'. I can't eat sweets on my running days as they'll make me feel sick, so I don't. In a sense, there's no point in 'secret eating' when I'm going for a run because I know I'll just feel dreadful later. Equally, I can't skip meals because I'll have no energy.

On the other hand, I can have a treat without feeling guilty because I've just gone running. And it makes me feel much more positive, since it's not about what size my body is but about what it can do.

But sounds like you're cracking on, so good luck :)

Firstly, want to say well done for coming as far as you have already :)

Yes I do believe you can fully recover, I would class myself as a 'fully' recovered bulimic.

It has been 8 years since I recovered and I feel I have a healthy relationship with food now and am a much happier person.

I think it's possible, but it's something that you will always have at the back of your mind and you'll have to both mentally and physically remove yourself from the 'flashpoints' that people not suffering from an ED just don't have.

Good luck, focus on being healthy and get help immediately when you're reaching the precipice.

I don't think you can ever FULLY recover in so far as you will be like the majority of the people.

But you can get yourself to a situation where you can control your compulsions and therefore be classed as "recovered".

But as someone once told me, having an eating disorder will be a life long battle for control.

I think it is possible.

I would call myself functionally ED'ed and can't imagine getting further at the moment. It's a hell of a lot better than the 8 years of anorexia and bulimia I put myself through first but no, I'm definitely not recovered.

I do think the majority of chronic ED sufferers end up like that (different if you have a sudden, acute ED which results in swift hospitalisation - especially if you are a young teen at the time).

However, I do have three friends who call themselves fully recovered and from chats with them I coming to the conclusion that they are right, their attitudes, self image and diets are amazing.

I think maye you can recover if it means enough to you.

A friend of mine is dealing with this very issue right now.

She would describe herself as a recovered anorexic. And yes, she is in a far better place than she was when we were at university. However, her relationship with food is still not what I would consider normal.

Controlled? Yes. No longer dangerous? Yes. Normal? No.

Her eldest DD is now eleven and her DH is seriously worried about how her relationship with food is impacting on her child. My friend is very sad that he feels this way, because she is much more well than she used to be. She is actually quite angry with him.
However, I can see it from his point of view.

Being healthier, happier and in a better place with food, still isn't normal. In the same way that a recovered alcoholic isn't normal in his respinse to alcohol.

All tremendously difficult.

My mum has been bullimic son and off since the age of 14.

She has had lots of therapy and consultaions about it over the years and whilst she is 'better' it has never gone away properly in her case.

She has an unhealthy obsession with staying under 10 stone nowadays, to be fair she in the healthy weight range but it's her attitude about it. If she goes above 10 stone she will literally eat nothing but cereal and salads until she is back down and I am sure she still purges every now and again when she gets a bout of depression or stress.

Whilst she outwardly looks fine and 98% of the time she genuinely is the other 2% of the time is scary for her and our family because it looks like she will never stop and throughout my childhood I remember eating dinner as a family then I would hear the bathroom taps running and then gagging` sounds as she made herself sick :(

I don't think it's something you can 100% recover TBH but I do think that it can be controlled if you are in the right mind set which you seem to be.

I hope that you continue to keep well and by the sounds of it, you need to tell your DH that throwaway comments don't help. He needs to be positive for you and your DD. :)

Do you think it's better for recovering anorexics/bullimics to admit that they will never be normal to their children?

My friend's DH is struggling with her attitude at the moment because she declares herself well and says her attitide to food is healthy and normal...thus modelling a comletely abnormal relationship with food to her DDs as the way to go.

Would it be better to tell her DDs that she is doing well but this isn't normal?
In the way a recovering alcoholic might tell their DC that he is well but that it's more normal for people to enjoy a glass of wine or two with dinner? He'd love to do that, but he can't?

I must admit that my own DC have asked about my friend's relationship with food and I have been honest and told them it is abnormal, but she is doing her best. She would be very annoyed if she knew I had said this though.

OP, well done for getting to where you are now. It's not an easy road, the ups and downs are normal. Maybe your DH didn't phrase that very well. You've come a long way. Are you having any therapy at the moment? You mention you have a 6mth DS, pregnancy can be a tricky time, mentally, for some people who have been through an ED. Did/do you have any support?

I'm a recovered anorexic, 9 years and counting, but as others have mentioned, the relationship with food is something that will always be at the back of my mind in one way or another. Even when I had finished my treatment and classed as "recovered", I had relapses. You could say I've been completely "OK" for about 6 of those 9 years. As Niceguy mentioned, it's to do with control. I was told by the medical and therapy staff it'd probably be a life-long battle as well.

I have a much better relationship with food now and it is something I certainly don't want to "pass on" to DD (22 months old). It's something that scares me, I have to admit.

Forgot to say, I'm 20wks pg at the moment with DC2 and this time round it's not something that haunts me as it did last time. I was terrified of "feeling fat" as soon as I got pg last time. I was scared of eating too little and hurting the baby etc. Fortunately they were just fears and I was OK, but the first weeks were hard.

id imagine if you were still eating in secret etc you arent yet fully in recovery so probs your husband is correct

I do think it's probably important to tell DC if you (general 'you') or another close family member has food issues - or indeed alcohol issues - in an age appropriate way, without making a big deal of it. An eating disorder is an illness - if a close family member has any kind of longstanding illness then it's better for DC to know, in a very matter of fact way, than grow up aware that there is some sort of taboo topic in the household.

I haven't felt the need to tell my children yet. They both eat three meals a day at school during term time and they're only 3 and 8 at the moment. But, both being girls, I do worry about them and the second they start to notice something I will tell them it's me that's abnormal and not right, not them.

It depends on the individual, the underlying problems which lead to the eating disorder in the first place and whether they have been addressed and how long the eating disorder has been going on. Along with a few other factors, such as the quality of the treatment you get. Eating disorders are often co-morbid with depression and anxiety, for example, and may develop as a coping strategy to mask these. You may never recover completely, but you can certainly - if you put your mind to it - become comfortable enough with food so that you don't pass hangups onto your dcs. (Am using "you" in a general way here, not specifically directed at OP). You can develop strategies to control it, instead of it controlling you. I had a crap prognosis when I was admitted for treatment after 12 years of ED. I spent a year in full-time treatment with many months as an in-patient. That was over 20 years ago and I do OK but I'm still in recovery and I always will be. So far, so good with my dcs and their attitudes to food (and my dd is an adolescent already, so well into the danger zone).

I stopped therapy just before Ds was born with the intention of going back when he was three months. Didn't count on him still bf'ing so frequently even now, plus pnd and struggling with awful colic/no sleep for the first few months. I think I definitely need to go back!

At the moment I am thinking it might be useful for dh and I to have some counselling together for a few months. My eating problems are something we hardly ever talk about any more. Now that I am "better" I think dh and the rest of my family prefer to forget. As do I, if I'm fair.

The comparison with alcoholism is interesting. I often think that if I could never eat anything ever again that would almost be easier than having to navigate the complicated world of food every day.

What I find really, really frustrating is that I know EXACTLY where my issues come from. I just haven't found a therapist/modality yet where I've really managed to work through the feelings...if anyone has suggestions I'd be most grateful! So far I have trawler through CBT, CBA, psychoanalytic and Gestalt psychotherapy, with the last being the most "me". Have done both individual and group.

Have you been in touch with the EDA or with Overeaters Anonymous?
I think of myself as effectively recovered. Food not an issue in itself, any more, anyway. I actually think a small amount of comfort eating is normal, it's when you go beyond the usual normal threshold that it's a problem.

You can get counselling through BEAT which you only pay for if you can afford to.

Personally, I didn't find it helpful but I'm not a great talker about feelings.

Stroperella, your comment about co-morbidity with anxiety and depression is very interesting. I've certainly suffered with both previously and am currently being treated for pnd.

Nethuns, goodnightmoon, bluebells and manicinsomniac, what was it you think that helped you fully recover and beyond using eating/not eating as a crutch to manage your emotions? I see the revoltingpeasant talks about competitive sport, which is an interesting idea, although I have in the past tended to be a bit extreme with exercise too (all or nothing kind of gal!)

Thankfully telling Ds or not is not an issue I have to think about just yet as he is so young (although I am anxious about weaning - not started yet). I too have a mum with longterm mental health problems (upyourdiva :( ) and know the impact that this can have on children. If I'm honest I just have a vague hope that it will all be somehow better when he is old enough to understand. Another reason to head back to therapy I think! Thanks for the tip about BEAT/over eaters anonymous peanutbutterkid and manicinsomniac. We've recently moved area so I will have a look and see if there is a support group locally.

Gauchita - actually pregnancy was a relatively easy time for as I found it gave me permission to eat like a horse and get huge so I relaxed a bit. I think the hormones helped too as I was much less anxious generally. Post childbirth, however my anxiety levels have sky rocketed!

Squasages, I'd second what others have said in that you need support. You mention your anxiety levels are high atm and you're eating compulsively to manage your stress levels so you're evidently finding it hard again. I hadn't heard of BEAT before, but sounds like contacting them would be a good idea.

I think the important thing here is you want to get better, you want to overcome this, you don't want to suffer from this disorder anymore. That, in my opinion, is an essential step for anyone's recovery. I found that until you (I mean general you, not you in particular) don't feel the "click" yourself, then nothing/no one can make you get better.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more