To think it's not possible to fully recover from an eating disorder?

[squasages]

Am really hoping people will say IABU.

When I met my dh I had uncontrolled bulimia and a BMI just above the level to give an anorexia dx too. I binge/purged several times a day, every day. I was a mess.

Fast forward 5 years and with the help of some long term sick leave, intensive outpatient therapy and longer term private therapy, I no longer purge. I am 4 stone heavier (!) and have a six month old ds.

However, my dh said to me yesterday that he is concerned that I won't be healthy/around when ds is older because of my eating. I still eat (mostly sweet things) compulsively every day to manage stress. I still eat in secret.

I'm gutted. Compared to where I was 5 years ago I am so much better, but compared to the woman in the street I don't think I will ever have a healthy relationship with food.

Is it possible to recover? Given that the last time I had a healthy relationship with food I was about 10 years old.

Regular but name changed btw

I have never had an eating disorder but just wanted to post that I half snorted at 'but compared to the woman in the street I don't think I will ever have a healthy relationship with food'.

I can't think of a single woman I know personally, myself included, who has what I would call a 'healthy relationship with food.' Perhaps we aren't binging and purging or starving ourselves, but we certainly have issues with food.

How can we not with every magazine, newspaper, TV show, movie telling us that we are fat, no matter what we weigh?

I am not, I think, as bad as most, as I refuse to think of food as good or bad. But I certainly binge eat sweets and then feel bad about it. I wonder if people are judging me when they see me eat, say, a scone at a cafe because 'gosh she's so fat she shouldn't eat that!' And while I need to lose some weight, I'm hardly hugely obese.

I also have a lot of experience with anxiety, being borderline Agoraphobic and on drugs for that and depression. Have you tried meds for your anxiety at all?

Um, I'm not sure. I was anorexic for years and years, also spots of bulimia and compulsive eating. I am now healthy, functioning, and not obsessed with food. That feels like a huge achievement, and it has meant that I can actually be happy - which I never was in the skinny years.

BUT the issues are not fully resolved, and never will be. I had eating disorders for 20 years, all through adolescence and beyond, and they got pretty ingrained into me. And yes, there is nothing like motherhood (and I have two daughters) to bring out the worst of what's left.

I agree with Tee, though. I think of myself as mildly buggered up around food, EXACTLY like the average woman in the street. It is really, really hard to have a genuinely healthy relationship to food and our bodies in this society. You've done so well getting this far; you've shown you have the strength to get further, if you think now is the right time to address it. Best of luck.

I was going to post something similar to Tee. I think it is rare to find someone (male or female) who has a truly healthy relationship with food. My DH comes close. He is a sensible weight, eats when he is hungry and stops when he is full. If his clothes are getting a bit tighter, he cuts down on snacks. If his clothes are getting loose, he indulges a bit more. But he is very rare. I am certainly not like that. I don't have any specific eating disorder but my eating is far from healthy or a good role model for my DC's.

Weaning can be a very stressful time so it might be worth having someone you can discuss this with beforehand just to take out your issues from the situation. My criteria for success is to keep my issues as mine, and not project them onto my DC's. Fingers crossed!

Also agree with Tee.

And - not meaning to be flippant - most mothers end up eating sweets in secret because we keep telling our DCs that they are bad for them, then realise we want them ourselves.

When I first read your OP I read it as your DH was concerned that you would not show a "healthy attitude around food" when your DS is older. Looking at it more closely I realise what you actually put is "he is concerned that I won't be healthy/around when ds is older because of my eating."

So, does that mean that he thinks you will be ill or dead? Does he think you will relapse then, as it doesn't sound as if you are doing yourself any harm at the moment.

I was diagnoised with an eating disorder at aged 8 which continued for many many years with bulimia and anorexia. Now in my 40s I have a good relationship with food and am a healthy weight. Its been a long road but things got much better after I had children. It feels a bit like having a very distant ghost that lingers that could always may re-appear but I know it will never become the battle that it once was. I fought my demons and won and you can to x x

I recovered. Well done for coming as far as you have.

I have completely recovered too. It IS possible. I have a pretty healthy relationship with food. The fact that you are AWARE of this issue means that I don't think you will be a bad influence on your children. You will think twice as hard about presenting a good image for them, even if you feel wobbly inside about things.
Just to give you an example: I HATE flying. I am petrified. I hate every moment of every flight. But trust me, my DC have absolutely no idea, as I don't want to pass on the fear. I present as a happy and relaxed Mum on aeroplanes, because I don't want to pass on my weaknesses.
I'm sure you will be fine

It is possible, I did it. I was anorexic first, it started when I was 12. My senior school tried to have me sectioned so that I could be tube fed when I went from 8 to 5 stone. I spent my teenage years as a recluse and feeling desperately hungry. I was so boney it hurt to lie on my mattress and I couldn't sleep. I hated everyone who tried to help and lost most of my friends... and my hair! At about 15 I also starting binging and purging. Starvation and intermittent binging continued until I was 25, when I struggled with post baby weight. I weighed 5.5 stone between the age of 12 and 23. The corrective work on my teeth has cost thousands! Sorry for going on but reminding myself how bad it was helps!

I now have 2 DCs and have been free of my eating disorder for 5 years. It was a gradual thing for me, it dawned on me a few years ago that I had been a normal weight for years. The compulsion to binge obviously diminishes when you are not starving.

I had counselling on the NHS which helped, definitely CBT helped me deal overcome the urges to binge. The only long term health issue I need to watch for now is osteoporosis.

I suppose I can't say it will never happen again, but it was such a horrible experience I hope I won't repeat it. Also, I don't want my DD to go through an eating disorder and that has really motivated me to develop a healthy relationship with food.

Sorry for the ramble. Good luck. You can do it!

Hi there

I think you can totally recover, I have (after 4 years of problems, I have been better for 5 years). I don't think any of the things that helped me will help anyone else though, it is subjective. But just in case...

1. DH is never critical about how I look, does not know I ever had an ED as would be aghast, automatically encourages me to enjoy food without guilt and can't understand why ED's exist when so many people have nothing (I don't share his view ED's exist for a variety of complex reasons, but his no nonsense approach worked for me).

1. I stopped needing my body for bolstering my self esteem. I don't need approving glances of others with regards my appearance. I started working in a profession where I was frequently told that I am good at what I do. Thus stopped needing my body to be the thing that I was 'good at'.

1. I had a son who loves me no matter how I look and realise my body is for better things than attracting attention, but for nourishing and growing.

When I stopped thinking about food/how I look my body started to look after itself rather than lurching from one weight to the next and my shift of focus stopped the food/size related panic.

You can do it, obviously great progress so far! I worry about my son's eating habits all the time. But so long as they are having a healthy balanced diet and you have a few sit down family meals a week that are positive experiences surely you can't go too far wrong.

Bonne chance x

"I HATE flying. I am petrified. I hate every moment of every flight. But trust me, my DC have absolutely no idea, as I don't want to pass on the fear. I present as a happy and relaxed Mum on aeroplanes,"

yy to that. The last time we flew I was in a terrible state and didn't let it show. Then we had terrible turbulence and the bloody thing dropped like a stone. The DCs were scared and I was all "Whoops! Woo! That was a big one! Hahahahahaaaa! Better put our seatbelts on hey!" while secretly saying my prayers.

OP - really wanting to recover and gaining insight into the reasons behind behind your ED are, IMO, the real keys to getting better. Sounds like you are more than halfway there already, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
If you are feeling anxious about the prospect of weaning, maybe speaking to your HV would be useful. Way back when I was about to wean my first dc I was really stressed and mentioned it to the HV, who said I could see a nutritionist for support if I wanted to. In the event, I decided to go it alone because I knew that it was a confidence issue more than anything. It turned out fine and I actually found that the "3 meals a day" structure of weaning was very helpful to me and the whole thing was actually enjoyable. Family mealtimes are pleasant and positive experiences (unlike when I was growing up) and that's the main thing. I don't care much for the term "normal". Positive, healthy, fun, stable, enjoyable. These are the words for me :)

I was anorexic from the age of 12 to the age of 20 and was hospitalised several times. I don't think I'll ever be 'fully' recovered. I eat now, and am actually a little overweight (maybe 10lbs or so. It bothers me every day, and I am often disgusted by it) but when I am stressed or upset, my default coping mechanism is always food-restriction.

The 'battle for control' thing is absolutely bang on. It's the easiest thing for me to control when everything else seems manic or stressful.

I think I have a fairly healthy attitude to food, though. I love food, I love cooking and I love eating. I definitely think it's possible to recover enough so that you don't affect your children. My daughter is overweight and I am terrified that she'll develop an eating disorder because of someone making a comment about it or something. I am so careful with what I say to her and I watch her behaviour very closely. So who knows? Maybe it's done some good!

I would say I'm fairly recovered (2 years anorexia, around 20 bulimia). CBT therapy helped. A big part of recovery for me (other than the therapy) was forcing myself not to keep it a secret from my DH. So if I binged/purged then I'd tell him afterwards - it was very, very hard to do but actually fairly helpful in preventing me from doing it... I think the lack of secrecy diffused its power over me somewhat.

A huge part of wanting to recover and thus deciding to get therapy was knowing I wanted to have children and being determined that I didn't want to pass my issues on to them in the way my mother, aunts and grandmother had passed their issues onto me.

I agree with what Tobylerone said. Even though i was anorexic 30 years ago, and although i eat 'healthily' now, i still find it difficult to eat in public, and if upset or stressed, my eating is the first thing that messes up.

My DSs don't appear to have picked up any of my feelings towards food, i wonder if it would have been different if they were DDs though.

Yabu. I am fully recovered and haven't lapsed in the twenty years I've been better.

I have been bullimic for about 8 years. I was exactly the same as you and classed just above anorexic too. I still purge and binge, and have major issues with food but I am so so so sp much better than before. I don't think I will ever be "cured" if that's possible, but it's now manageable. O don't have children and ttc at the moment and if I'm honest ot scares me how I will cope, but I beleive I am strong enough to find a way now. So my answer to your question is, I think you cope with eating disorders bit in some way they will always be there. But everyone will deal with it differently. I wish I could be strong enough to never turn to my routines again.