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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell SIL that she is lucky to have free childcare?!

32 replies

PlopPlopPing · 12/04/2011 15:48

Last week I was having a conversation with my SIL about how hard me and DH find it getting out on our own. PIL are extremely reluctant to babysit for us but will for BIL and SIL. Just a case of favourites really and BIL and SIL being extremely pushy. It has even escalated to PIL saying they will have our dcs and then changing their mind at the last minute leaving us up shit creak (so to speak) on several occassions. This was extremely upsetting and lost me some temping work and made me unable to go to my cousins wedding.

So I was chatting to SIL and said that she was lucky with the help she gets and that it enables her to work etc and go out (every week). I can't work as my parents are unable to babysit and PIL say no or say yes and then change their mind (can't get regular childcare as I work erratically and would end up paying for childcare I didn't need, plus wouldn't earn enough to cover it anyway).

It was just innocent chat really but she took offence and started getting really stroppy. She was holding a hammer at the time and seriously I thought she was going to attack me. The woman is a loon. I had thought she would just say "yes we are lucky, I don't know what I would do without their help" or something but she actually didn't think she was lucky at all! (they get help from other grandparents as well, plus godparents so generally have more then they need).

For me, as someone who has had to beg for help when I haven't been coping at all (PND plus other horrendous things) and told "no", I can't believe someone would be so unappreciative?!

She then started saying that PIL don't look after my dcs because they are getting on a bit when they still look after hers every week so b**cks, and bringing up all sorts of irrelevant things about benefit scroungers (I'm not on benefits).

I think the woman is mental.

Ah, ok had a rant and feel a bit better now!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 12/04/2011 15:52

Perhaps she sensed your attitude and that's what annoyed her?

Also, maybe it's just me but I consider 'babysitting' as looking after the kids while you go our for a little while...or out for an evening.

Looking after your kids while you work, is more like 'childcare' and that's a bit different.

Original poster

PlopPlopPing · 12/04/2011 15:57

Well it was a relaxed conversation and all I said was "isn't it lucky that you get the help you do which enables you to work" or something like that. I deliberately didn't say it in a way that would provoke her.

They get babysitting and childcare. We get neither.

OP posts:

plupedantic · 12/04/2011 16:26

She's probably pissed off because she feels guilty in front if you (or ought to). Maybe she thought you were trying to get her to say you were grateful/ get her to soften up the ILs for you?

People will often use aggression to punish others for "going after" a resource they want to protect for themselves.

It's up to you how you take this further. It sounds unlikely that either your PIL or SIL will change their minds about you and your DC, so if you want to antagonise them a bit to make yourself feel better, go for it!

CPtart · 12/04/2011 16:27

I sort of sympathise. We get very little help with the DC and SIL / BIL who live next door to the mutual grandparents and get help on a daily basis with school runs, sleepovers, etc, STILL huff and puff at how hard it is.

Original poster

PlopPlopPing · 12/04/2011 16:38

plupedantic People will often use aggression to punish others for "going after" a resource they want to protect for themselves.

I think you are right there. Think she sticks the boot in whenever possible!

CPtart That's the same with us. BIL and SIL are always going on about how tired they are and PILs are always going on about how hard BIL and SIL have it! It always stuns me into silence.

OP posts:

CPtart · 12/04/2011 16:53

.....and SIL works two days a week, with retired grandparents taking their holidays in the school holidays so that BIL and SIL won't struggle taking the DC to and from school!!!

violethill · 12/04/2011 17:18

Maybe she feels guilty, maybe the PIL aren't looking after her children in the way she would choose... Who knows.
Stop wasting energy feeling resentful. IMO grandparents should not be used to regular childcare while the parents are earning - that's a hell of a commitment and infringement on their lives - and should only be used for babysitting if its freely offered and no one is taking advantage. Anyway, you can still have evenings out- just factor in the cost of a babysitter and go for it.
My parents looked after one of my nieces for a while when the parents were working, and it was certainly a bit frustrating from a financial viewpoint when we were struggling with two sets of nursery fees.... But in all honesty i am glad my children had the experience of a first rate nursery rather than being looked after by elderly grandparents. Your children are too precious to just feel pressurised into taking the cheapest option! Ignore your sil- its probably not all the bed of roses you perceive it to be

Original poster

PlopPlopPing · 12/04/2011 20:34

I think the worst thing is that my oldest is going to notice soon (surprised she hasn't already) as MIL will often talk about all the places she's taken the other GCs.

OP posts:

needmyrootsdone · 12/04/2011 20:42

People who don't truely appreciate help really annoy me.

For us it's six yrs in and not one night without DCs or any help with house or work/childcare juggling act at all from either set of GPs. Not that I expect it -but we have had to become a very slick act.

When friends who have both sets of family tripping over them to help with childcare, ironing , gardening etc whinge about being stressed I see red.

YANBU

violethill · 12/04/2011 20:47

I think you need to look at this in an entirely new way.

Stop feeling that you can't do things simply because your parents and PIL aren't around to babysit/provide childcare.

You can provide virtually all the things you feel your children are missing out on - days out, fun activities. They don't need to be expensive - just make sure your children have fun times and go to different places. As for evenings out - as I said before, find a local babysitter. Older teens are often well up for it, as they appreciate the extra money, and can put it on their cv etc. If you can afford an evening out for a meal or drinks, then you CAN afford a babysitter. Just go out less frequently than you would if you were getting a free babysitter - but still do it.

The only thing in your case which you can't do is work, because you say you don't earn enough to cover childcare, which is a bummer, but then as I said, I don't believe grandparents should be expected to take on the huge commitment of providing free care on a regular basis - it's fraught with difficulties and usually someone ends up feeling taken for granted.

Try to imagine that your family all live miles away - that's the situation for many people, and you just get on and organise things yourself rather than relying on family. It's tough for you because you see your SIL getting offered it all on a plate - but honestly, life isn't a competition, and in the long run, you're being an independent family unit, whereas your SIL sounds pretty hopeless if she gets all this help and still feels hard done by

blueeyedmonster · 12/04/2011 20:47

She's probably pissed that you even brought it up. I know my SIL would be if I brought up certain things.

She'd then procceed to let me know everything thats 'wrong' in her life so that she has to have this stuff happen.

I know how you feel.

toeragsnotriches · 12/04/2011 20:52

This happened to my friend's family (she was in the same position as you) and it rankled to the point that there was a full family split. Things still aren't patched up. The young cousins (all 2 years apart from each other) all live within 15 mins walk of each other yet wouldn't know if they passed in the street now.

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2011 20:59

She sounds like an arse.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 12/04/2011 21:06

Jeepers! Trust your instncts..she sounds mad.

Happylander · 12/04/2011 21:21

I am extremely grateful that my mum looks after our son when I work and when we want to go out and when I need to go pick up DH or even when we want a weekend away. If anyone mentions that I am lucky I say 'yes I am and I wish everyone had a mum like mine' I don't get her getting angry at you. I constantly offer friends my babysitting service because I am so aware of how lucky I am. However, MIL has been to see us for a total of 8 hours while my DH was away (6.5 months)...then moans to DH that she hasn't seen DS. It's MIL they are in general programme to favour their own DD's I reckon.

northerngirl41 · 12/04/2011 21:29

Also it might be that your SILs kids are much easier to look after. Ages, tempraments and even your own parenting ideals will all affect the way your PIL see looking after the kids.

E.g. If yours came with instructions on feeding them organic only, not allowing any TV, and loud shouty voices/screaming, I'd not be volunteering. Ones who just go along with whatever I happen to be doing - no problem, it's nice to have some littlies around.

blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:03

I had this with my BIL and his wife when I was married.

MIL once actually said she'd not babysit for us and then when BIL asked in front of me, said she'd babysit his children.

I think you have to just try your best to let it go - hard I know.

But I agree with whoever up the thread said she was cross and on the defensive as she was protecting her "territory" (wrongly imho)

pigletmania · 12/04/2011 22:39

I dont think that its that the PILs dont look after the ops children, its that they are favouritising the BIL/SIL children over theirs which is unfair. It does not seem that they care. Fancy dumping Easter eggs on the doorstep instead of personally giving them to the recipiant, and dumping the ds birthday present on the doorstep . And not wanting much to do with the ops children. It is very sad, but you have told them and they dont look like they will change. I would give the eggs back and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable, and that you wont accept gifts from them if they are going to treat ds like that. This is best coming from your dp btw as its his parents.

Portoeufino · 12/04/2011 22:48

No member of my family has ever provided child care for me - I have always paid for nursery/babysitters. Yes it is a bit unfair but I think at least you know where you are. I prefer to stand on my own 2 feet and not be "in hock" to others really.

I used to babysit my nephews before I had dd and was free to do so. I appreciate it wasn't so practical for dsis (having 3 kids) to return the favour. But I enjoyed doing it and was happy to spend time with them. I agree that you have to let it go.

YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 22:53

worraliberty - i agree. You might have been unreasonable.

pigletmania · 13/04/2011 00:01

oops sorry wrong thread, meant for the easter egg thread

Lonnie · 13/04/2011 00:40

Is there a big difference in your childrens ages? MY FIL's have never managed to look aftre our children much but did my BIL's and SIL';s children but their boys are 5 7 12 and 14 years older than ours and MIL is now 82 so what she could do when she was in her 60's she isnt able to now

She is stil a doting loving adoring grandma of all her 8 grandchildren. (Fil passed away 7 years ago)

it may not seem like it but 4-5 years can make a huge difference in how much effort there is in looking after a child

blackeyedsusan · 13/04/2011 00:41

Getting no/little help is difficult, but you get on with it and manage with the esouces you have. Getting no help and seeing other family members getting lots of help is a lot worse. Sympathies.... grrr

Original poster

PlopPlopPing · 13/04/2011 14:57

Happylander I think you are right that mothers favour their own DDs. Although saying that my mum isn't like that but MIL definately is. Also that was exactly what I was expecting her to say, that she was lucky etc.

northerngirl41 We are very relaxed when the kids are looked after by other people as we are relaxed in general, also I think you have to accept your children doing whatever the person looking after them is doing (assuming it's not drug taking or sky diving). PILs have said numerous times how well behaved my dcs and how easy they are to look after, which will annoy me really because I'll be thinking "how do you know when you haven't looked after them for 18 months!"

blondebutonlyfaking What did you say when she said she'd babysit for your BIL!?

Lonnie No there isn't a big difference in the ages.

I know that I do have to let it go, I think I find it hard though when we are struggling so much. As we don't get any time on our own I feel our marriage is under a bit of strain now and financially we have problems so can't really justify paying for childcare. When I do occassionally get work (I sort of freelance) I can't accept it quite often as no one to look after the kids for me. PILs will say no and then I find out they have said yes to looking after the other GCs while BIL and SIL work or even while they go for weekends away/days out/hobbies etc. A couple of times they have said yes and then changed their mind and I lost the client so affected my finances longer term! Also affected my reputation in my business area. I just can't ask them anymore as I can't stand the negative way they react or the letting me down at the last minute. My husband wants us to give it another go and see if maybe they will have our children while we go out next month but I just don't trust them anymore. (for the record I have only ever asked for help once every few months at the most anyway so not a lot).

OP posts:

mumzy · 13/04/2011 16:12

Since my ILs moved I've not got any family nearby as support but what I've found useful is building up friendships with local like-minded mums in the same position, met mostly through playgroups and in school. We help each other out with occasional childcare, babysitting, taking and fetching children from school, carpools for activities that sort of thing.

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