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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is MIL?

29 replies

NewDKmum · 11/04/2011 19:33

A couple of days ago MIL announced on a text that she really wanted to come and visit me, DH and DD's. MIL and FIL stayed with us for a week in March (we live in Switzerland at the moment, they live in Denmark).

I texted MIL back saying "Great, just let me know when...:-)". To which she replied "Soon! :-)".

Yesterday I texted back saying that DD's kindergarten would be closed two weeks after Easter, that DH had to work and that I had an assignment to write, so if she could fit it in any time in those two weeks that would be great.

She has just called me to say that she could come for 5 days in that period, but that she didn't know if that would be too expensive given the short period, but that I could have a think about it.

In other words stating that we should pay for her flight which is the first I have heard of it.

I feel really annoyed with her, but don't know if I should just pay up or tell her straight up how I feel...?

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 11/04/2011 19:35

erm i think if you want her to come and be your nanny you should pay!

pjmama · 11/04/2011 19:36

Eh?! Has a precedent been set in that you've paid for their flights before, or has this just come out of the blue?

JaneS · 11/04/2011 19:36

Are you sure that's what she meant? Confused

It sounds to me more as if she's hinting you might consider having her stay a bit longer but she's giving you an out, is that possible?

emsyj · 11/04/2011 19:37

Well presumably she thinks you want her to come and offer you childcare, in which case it's fair enough IMO if you pay for her flight isn't it?? It's not a holiday for her if you want her to look after your DD whilst your DH works and you write your assignment.

Confused
hardhatdonned · 11/04/2011 19:37

You want free childcare so you should pay something to the trip.

Why do your parents get a fun break but his parents have to work and earn their keep?

YABU

hardhatdonned · 11/04/2011 19:37

Actually re-reading your op i'd be down right offended if i were your MIL but then maybe thats just me!

oldraver · 11/04/2011 19:45

If she was with you in March why does she want to come again so soon ?

gordyslovesheep · 11/04/2011 19:49

My mum comes on holiday with us a fair bit - it's great for me because she has the kids for the odd afternoon/day and in return I pay - we split food generally - she's a pensioner with not a lot of money and I am a single mum of 3 - everyones a winner!

Original poster
NewDKmum · 11/04/2011 19:50

Thanks for the quick replies!

We haven't paid for their flights before. And not for my parents either. I am sure she wants us to pay now, she is just not one to say uncomfortable things directly.

And my parents haven't been here for ages - it was MIL and FIL who were here last month on vacation.

I wasn't expecting free child care, just a few hours here and there, and otherwise spending time together.

I know that when a few of her friends look after their grand children their trip by train is being paid for. Which is probably fair enough.

But then again, I didn't ask her to come in the first place. And we are going to go and visit them for a week in May.

WTH, I should probably just get over myself and pay. I was taken somewhat by surprise and a bit disappointed, but it's not black and white, is it.

OP posts:
Soups · 11/04/2011 19:52

I agree with Little Red Dragon, are you sure that's what she meant?

I've recently been asked to fly out somewhere and it did turn out too expensive for a short trip. Is she wanting to stay longer to make it worthwhile?

Is that period after Easter particularly expensive? Kindergarten is shut so is it school hols time for you? She may have been thinking of a cheaper time.

If the above is in right, and it'd be a real benefit for your family for her to come then, could you afford to pay half her flights?

Original poster
NewDKmum · 11/04/2011 19:54

She wants to come again because she misses DDs and because she is bored at home with her and FIL recently retired and the golf season not really started yet.

gordyslovesheep - that sounds like a great solution for you, your mum and your kids!

OP posts:
diddl · 11/04/2011 19:54

Well, it does sound as if you want her there to look after her GC-for that time & for those days.

If that´s not the case, let her come when she wants.

PenguinArmy · 11/04/2011 19:56

If you want her to come, then consider paying (or offering half price). Otherwise don't and just tell her well we're coming to see you soon anyway.

Original poster
NewDKmum · 11/04/2011 20:06

MIL is the one who can't stay longer due to other commitments.

I don't think it's particularly expensive. She had been looking up prices and said it was around 300 pounds for a return flight which is about normal. And which we could afford.

Maybe I just feel a bit "conned" into paying, for lack of better word.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2011 20:10

What does your dh think ( seeing As it is HIS mother)

Original poster
NewDKmum · 11/04/2011 20:27

Just got hold of DH - he is away at the moment. He says she can stay at home then...

I tend to agree with him even if maybe it does make us sound like not so nice people. But it really was more for her sake than ours.

As stated we will be visiting them in May and actually again in July. I will probably tell her we would rather pay for a ticket sometime in the autumn, e.g. for DD2's birthday. Hope she won't be offended.

Many thanks for your replies!

OP posts:
diddl · 11/04/2011 20:31

I still don´t think that she wants you to pay-now, or in the future.

300GBP is a lot for 5days.

It sounds as if she would come then if you need her to, but would rather not tbh.

CocktailQueen · 11/04/2011 20:36

Hmm, maybe she feels 'used' by you assuming that she will babysit for your kids as you are busy? Works both ways. Maybe suggest you go halves on the flight but stress how grateful you are that she can come and look after your kids for you?

Soups · 11/04/2011 20:38

Well, seeing as she did invite herself, and you seem certain it's something she wants to do, then I don't think you sound mean. I'd send a really sweet email back (or get your DH to do so) saying how it's such a shame + you're looking forward seeing them when you visit.

It does sound odd to say you want to visit and then expect someone else to pay.

Needanewname · 11/04/2011 20:42

Can't see where she's suggesting you pay for the flights. Are you sure you're not reading somehing into this that isn;t there?

Original poster
NewDKmum · 11/04/2011 21:13

I am 99 % sure that she wants us to pay, but she REALLY doesn't like to talk directly about things. It has taken some years for me to learn to translate what she is saying.

I have now sent her a sweet e-mail being vague about who should pay but stating that it probably is too much money for a short period and that I suggest we postpone the visit.

Many thanks for your help everyone!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 11/04/2011 22:30

So, she texts "she really wanted to come and visit me, DH and DD's"..

You reply to her that you would like her to come on the dates that suit you, (fair enough), but that is because you will be working, and so will your husband.

She said she wanted to visit you as a family, not come to be a babysitter.

crje · 11/04/2011 23:27

If she wants to come to spend time with dd then Easter break is perfect,she could be alone with dd and spoil her rotten.
D'ont know why she would complicate things other than she wanted to come as a visitor not a helper.

diddl · 12/04/2011 13:59

Why is MIL complicating things?

It would just sem that she made general noises about visiting & OP has suggested something that doesn´t seem to be convenient to MIL.

dearyme · 12/04/2011 14:28

its like going to visit a brother and him saying oh good, I will save up the washing and ironing for you to do :)