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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or just lazy? Scared to have a DC2...

52 replies

Mamaone · 11/04/2011 16:59

I have a lovely DD, 18months, and people around me are starting to have their 2nd babies. I held a newborn the other day and got all broody, but the truth is I am v scared of having any more kids. It's not the pregnancy, or the birth (although I had a difficult time with both) but the work load that really puts me off. Life is finally beginning to seem quite easy and nice - DD sleeps well, eats well, plays well etc etc. We are very happy as a 3 person family.

I think I may just be quite lazy because the thought of running around after 2DC and being all harrassed and tired fills me with dread. Did anyone else feel like this before having a DC2? But is it all worth it now? And, please tell me honestly - is it 2X the work, or less, or (shudders) more? TIA :)

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 11/04/2011 17:00

Personally I would wait until your first child is in school/out of nappies/walking everywhere and not needing as much running after.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 11/04/2011 17:04

Cant answer the question, but I am in the same situation. Have one dd, aged 14 months, and just can't face going through all the baby stuff again. As you say, life is lovely now.

But I do want another. I suppose I am hoping I get more broody, and if I don't we will have to just go for it.

If your age isn't a factor, maybe waiting longer is the answer.

FabbyChic · 11/04/2011 17:07

Do what I did and wait five years, perfect gap. They get on really well too at 23 and 17.

igetmorelovefromthecat · 11/04/2011 17:07

2 kids = twice as much work. Simples.

bebemooneedsabreak · 11/04/2011 17:07

No reason to rush. Do it when it feels right. I'm preggy with second after making sure we waited until I was certain I could handle dd and another... and this pregnancy has been really tough (so I'm really glad I waited as long as I did) because there are definitely days where I'd like to curl up... tho I'm looking forward to having dc2 and enjoying the walking and talking stages all over again :)

FAB5 · 11/04/2011 17:08

1-2 was easy due to the age of number 1. 2-3 was hard. I am knackered.

pushmepullyou · 11/04/2011 17:14

I got fairly accidentally pregnant when DD was about 18 months. DS is 5 weeks old tomorrow and so far it's great . Much much easier than 0-1 and not massively more difficult than DD on her own, but DS so far seems to be much lower maintenance than DD was at the same stage (and indeed is now!).

Guess it will probably be tricky when he gets a bit more mobile, but hopefully we'll all be in the swing of it by then

lynniep · 11/04/2011 17:15

I was the same. DS2 was a (happy) accident and I initially just thought of cr*p - DS1 had just started sleeping through (he was 2.8 when DS2 was born) and I felt like I was getting my life back. I really wasn't overly chuffed to be PG again - I find looking after children really difficult.
That view hasnt changed. Looking after two IS harder and I have now had another 18 months without a full nights sleep. The kids fight a lot, but when they do get on its so lovely and its happening more often now DS2 is getting older. DS2 is the most gorgeous kid in the world and I bonded with him in a way I never got to with DS1 (traumatic birth) although not immediately - I'm not one of those women who instantly falls in love with their newborns.
Its more work yes, sorry. I really don't want any more BUT my experience was way better 2nd time round, because I knew what I was doing (previously having gone 32 years without going near an infant!) and I love having both my boys. I'm so proud of them and I can't imagine either of them not being around.
Its passing really quickly as well, soon I wont have to chase DS2 around like a loon anymore! (wishful thinking probably as hes only 17 months)

steben · 11/04/2011 17:18

I feel the same Mamaone - hubby very keen for number 2 but I am also really scared after feeling like I have just got 'me' back. Will be watching this post with interest.

SmethwickBelle · 11/04/2011 17:18

For me it is twice the work with half the sleep. For the first year anyway. But then things level out a bit and the siblings really start to enjoy each other (some of the time) and you get a sense of how cool it is for them to have someone to knock about with. In all honestly not a day goes by now when I don't think "thank GOD we went for it". And you get more sleep again when they're past their first year... and you feel more more human again (and you may find yourself mulling a third....)

Maybe take a longer term view. If you want to go for it, you're looking at building a family really, not just getting a positive pregnancy test so the baby/toddler stuff is short term in the big scheme of things. I think if you decide to go for it you'll just grit your teeth and plunge in, and time flies with the second pregnancy and newborn stuff anyway. You have done the steep learning curve already, so although their are new challenges as a somewhat seasoned mother you'll find you trust your own judgement more.

GiddyPickle · 11/04/2011 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcupine11 · 11/04/2011 17:21

I think the benefits outweigh the hard bits. The first three months were pretty horrendous, emotionally and physically, but now DS2 is a year old it's just amazing watching them play together and I feel I've settled into the swing of things & life is lovely - kind of like you're feeling now I guess. You forget all the hard work and just think wow, I've got a beautiful one year old and a beautiful two year old!

borderslass · 11/04/2011 17:21

IMO the smaller the gap the easier it is DD1 was just turned 3 when DS was born and it was hard but DS was only 14 months when DD2 was born and it was so easy as he was still very much a baby, also depends on the child no 2 children are alike.

NestaFiesta · 11/04/2011 17:23

2 DCS is wonderful and not as hard work as you might think. My two have meals at the same time and now go to bed at the same time. DS1 is 4.5 and DS2 is 17 months. Once they're tucked up at 7.30, we have the evening free for grown up telly and grown up snacks and laziness.

I get the great combination of bizarre and hilarious conversations with DC1 and cuddly baby-ness of DC2. It's not as much as twice the work, about 50% more but you get so used to it you wonder you ever found 1 DC so hard!

Insomnia11 · 11/04/2011 17:24

DD1 was 3.5 when DD2 was born. I really didn't want 'two babies' at once and DD1 has mostly been brilliant.

A lot of things are designed for 'a family of four' so it's easy from that perspective. And once DD2 became a toddler they started to play together and entertain one another a lot. Obviously there are times when they are both shouting for something/crying and I think "aargh". Also I feel my brain now has more things to remember for both of them, which will probably get worse when DD2 starts school. Also there is greater expense of course.

Also I definitely enjoyed the baby stage more with DD2, I wasn't so much in a rush to see what the next development will be, as I already knew. And we were both more laid back as parents, DH knew how to help out from the start this time rather than me doing nearly everything for the first few months. I quite like that we've got one who is dark like me and one who is fair like DH. I call them my Snow White and Rose Red :)

People do ask if we're going to try for a boy though as we have two girls.

Finallyspring · 11/04/2011 17:25

I was the same as you. Really really didn't want another after my first but became obsessed with thinking I should. Just was exhausted for 4 years after first. Still didn't want another but decided to not prevent it anymore as at least I felt fitter. Got pg straight away and spent whole pregnancy scared I'd regret it. But, when DD2 was born I fell in love immediately, absolutely in love. I am now SO glad I did it. I obviously just wasn't ready until then. I did not find it twice the work, in fact I found it easier than one. That intensity you have with one child isn't there as they have each other. They are now 10 and 14 and really get in well. Nobody HAS to have more than one child if they don't want to, neither does it have to be after 2,3 or any number of years. Do it if and when you feel you can cope.

EauRouge · 11/04/2011 17:32

Having a second was much less of a shock than having the first. It is bloody hard work so far (DD2 is 6 wo) but it was the same with DD1 when she was this age. I am gradually taking less time to get out of the house and using a sling a lot with DD2 makes running around with DD1 much easier.

YANBU to be scared or worried, I was terrified just before DD2 arrived about how I was going to cope. You pick it up as you go along though and DD1 is absolutely mad about her little sister :)

HipHopopotomus · 11/04/2011 17:32

well I'm due DC 2 in 3 weeks - I held a newborn last week and freaked out. I had no idea what to do!!!! Hoping it's all going to come back to me. DD is nearly 3.5. I'm 43 now so had to kind of pull my finger out if I wanted another one. :)

TattyDevine · 11/04/2011 17:57

I disagree that 2 kids means twice as much work.

It might mean twice as much washing. But not twice as much cooking - you just cook more. What I am saying is there are some things where two is the same effort as one so its not always going to mean double. Run one bath. Okay, 2 kids to dress at the end instead of one, but still not double the work or double the time.

Dont underestimate the extent to which your older child will "entertain" the baby. And its not as long as you'd think till they "play together". Sibling rivalry can be less (I think there are stats on that) with either a shorter or much longer gap or something.

It can be handy to have your older child in morning preschool sessions before the 2nd comes along - but then you dont necessarily want a school run with a newborn. Mine timed well in that he started preschool when she was 3 months. So no school run in the crazy-tired bit but had somewhere for him to go and play without effort from me before too long.

Also, they take 9 months to cook obviously so your minimum age gap would be 2 and a quarter so they are very likely to be potty trained and at preschool (if you want) and able to fetch you nappies, help you tidy up etc...so its not a terrible time to start thinking of it...

Pros and cons of every gap...

scottishmummy · 11/04/2011 18:06

yes it is twice+++ the work,meeting demands of more than 1 child. have another baby if you want,dont bend to social pressure

factor finances, your return to work etc- is it achievable

Original poster

Mamaone · 11/04/2011 18:17

Wow thanks for all the great responses - will try and write more later after bedtime - but really touched by all the thoughtful replies :)

OP posts:

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 11/04/2011 18:19

I wasn't ready till DD was almost three...and suddenly I was desperate for one as DD was getting big!

GreenPetal94 · 11/04/2011 18:25

My boys are now 9 and 7 and I'm so pleased I had them close together (23 months apart). They are just so sweet in the way they relate to each other, like they are almost 2 parts of the same sometimes.

It may be twice the work in the early stages but it is not twice the tie. In fact as children get older and play together having 2 is easier than having 1.

When I had 2 very small ones I did get a dual routine going where everyone (including me) had a nap in the afternoon and I think it is possible to sychronise routines with just two children, you just have to stubbornly put everyone in their cots and shut the door.

If you have two small children sharing a bedroom it is easier if they are both in cots. As we got a free pass on cot we decided to not put our 2 year old in a bed and that was a great decision.

But in all honesty I got pregnant with my second child as I found being at home with one baby a bit boring and unchallenging - solved that for sure!

jerURSULAmBuffay · 11/04/2011 18:27

Thanks for posting the question, reading with interest as I really struggle(d) with one but do feel the nagging sensation that I would like another some day. I think when DD is at school but by then I wonder if I'll want to start all over again. Plus have given away an awful lot of clothes thinking 'I am never going through this again!'

diddl · 11/04/2011 18:28

I think a close gap can be easy.

Mine are 22 months apart.

It was easy-they both napped at the same time, & I could join them

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