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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or just lazy? Scared to have a DC2...

52 replies

Mamaone · 11/04/2011 16:59

I have a lovely DD, 18months, and people around me are starting to have their 2nd babies. I held a newborn the other day and got all broody, but the truth is I am v scared of having any more kids. It's not the pregnancy, or the birth (although I had a difficult time with both) but the work load that really puts me off. Life is finally beginning to seem quite easy and nice - DD sleeps well, eats well, plays well etc etc. We are very happy as a 3 person family.

I think I may just be quite lazy because the thought of running around after 2DC and being all harrassed and tired fills me with dread. Did anyone else feel like this before having a DC2? But is it all worth it now? And, please tell me honestly - is it 2X the work, or less, or (shudders) more? TIA :)

OP posts:

Easterfeaster · 11/04/2011 18:35

Remember, by the time you actually get pregnant and have the baby, your dc1 will be a lot more independent than she is now. As long as you don't get twins it won't be twice the work.

Fernie3 · 11/04/2011 18:42

I think the second is much easier than the first. When you have the first your whole life changes, relationships change and you have to learn new things, start new routines etc. The second baby just fits In with the routines you already have just adds a few small steps. The second baby is not twice as much work as one I have 4 and no way are they four times as much work as when I had one - more work than one obviously but it's not as bad as it sounds.

messylittlemonkey · 11/04/2011 18:47

I'll second the bigger age gap - ours are 4.5 years apart and it works brilliantly, as DD1 doesn't need any of the 'looking after' that a ounger child needs. She just gets on with things whilst I'm dealing with her 13 mo sister.

flyingspaghettimonster · 11/04/2011 19:10

I'll tell you the advantage of DC2 - they entertain each other. I have three kids, and I don't have to play games with them, I can do the house work (pmsl) and come on Mumsnet if I want, because when they are home they play together. A lot of my friends here are 1 child families and they are always begging to borrowm my daughter for playdates as she is so good and their kids stop nagging for attention when they have a playmate. I get to spend quality time with the kids without feeling forced into it, and at 18 months your DD will soon start to need you to play all the time. It's a great time to get pregnant again, IMO. :-)

nethunsreject · 11/04/2011 19:16

Our 4 yr gap works well.

I couldn't face having 2 'babies' at once, so once ds 1 was fully operational and at pre school, I felt ready.

It is certainly twice the mess and this first year hs been tough, but it is getting easier and they love each other. I am knackered, but it is fab!

BertieBasset · 11/04/2011 19:16

I am pregnant with DC2, I am 32 weeks and DD currently 19 months.

Tbh I just thought I may as well try and get it all over and done with - in a nice way We def wanted more than 1 and I was worried that if we left it too long I wouldn't want to go back to looking after a tiny baby again.

LittleWhiteWolf · 11/04/2011 19:19

My DD is 21 months and I am 9 weeks pregnant. I'm totally terrified of how all of our lives will change. Deciding to have DD was easy in comparison with deciding to have number 2, because it wouldnt just be DH and I who would be affected, you know?

Not that helpful a post, sorry.

JingleMum · 11/04/2011 19:26

i often think about this, my DD is 18 months old and has started her terrible 2's early i think

we have a nice life, we are quite lucky with regards to babysitters and if we had a second one now we couldn't expect those that help us out to babysit two babies for us. also i do find motherhood challenging, i love it so much but i do get stressed out and i do still feel that i'm finding my feet with each new stage. personally for me, i'm going to wait til my DD is 4, in school, and is fairly indpendent before i try again.

i don't want to rush in to having another baby, i want to wait those few years and enjoy my pregnancy and enjoy having a newborn that i can spend one on one time with. i don't want to just "get it out of the way"

6 years to the month between my sister and i, and whilst we fought growing up, we are really close now.

cantpooinpeace · 11/04/2011 19:40

Not harder, just busier.... Lovely to see them playing and looking after each other now though. I'm ready to go for number 3 as family of four just doesnt feel enough. Just got a promotion though so feel I have to commit some time to the job before getting Pgt.

The longer I'm leaving it however the more I can see why ppl stop at 2 for the practicalities.....recession, space, car, room sharing. In my heart I know these reasons won't stop me doing it (scuse the pun).

Bumpsadaisie · 11/04/2011 19:41

I'm 13 weeks with DC2 - DD is 22 months. Am terrified!

But on the bright side, a year off work and all the juggling.

cunexttuesonline · 11/04/2011 19:42

Notsure,but I am in the same position and have been interested to read the replies. Am not convinced yet though!

Bumpsadaisie · 11/04/2011 19:42

Plus the fact I am 37 in August so no spring chicken, which sort of made the decision for us, really.

emsyj · 11/04/2011 19:50

I sort of feel the same. DD is nearly one and other mums I know are either already pregnant or planning to be soon. I just want a rest for a while and to enjoy being able to do other things again. DH and I went out for dinner together just the two of us for the first time only 2 weeks ago. I am looking forward to stopping breastfeeding and being able to have more freedom again before going right back to the beginning.

A friend of mine has just had no.2 when her first was 3, and that seems an ok gap. Her elder DS goes to pre school 5 mornings a week, which gives her a break to be with the new baby, and he is out of nappies etc. I am thinking of waiting til DD is 2 and then thinking about maybe trying for another. I would like 3 in total though and am nearly 32, so feel that I should get a wriggle on.... Wish I was five years younger!

jerURSULAmBuffay · 11/04/2011 19:58

Wanksock your name has made me lol!!

Chulita · 11/04/2011 20:08

We have 20 months between our 2 and are planning to start ttc again when DS is about 10 months old (ish). I wouldn't say it's twice the work tbh. DD is now 2.4, DS is 8.5 months and they play really well together. The first 6 months were a killer in terms of nappies/washing etc but DS has bad reflux/dairy intolerance which is only just settling. I suppose we always knew we wanted more than one so it wasn't really a question of whether to have another or not. It is more work but not double and DD can get stuff, choose her clothes, bin nappies, pack nappy bag (sort of) so she helps out!

onceamai · 11/04/2011 20:16

Have a 3y 8mo gap, not through choice, the baby was like a handbag - had learnt the ropes and knew what to do and what to expect and continued to run around after the DS. Much, much easier than first time round just seemed like buggies and nappies went on for a very long time.

Flisspaps · 11/04/2011 20:20

I'm so thankful that it's not just me who is quite happy with a little trio.

PlanetEarth · 11/04/2011 20:22

I think it's easier having them close together - yes, it makes life a bit harder for a while, but there are lots of advantages as they are more likely to go through similar stages together. E.g. when you go to the playpark it works better with a 5 year old and a 7 year old than a 2 year old and an 8 year old. There are fewer years of walking the kids to school. They are more likely to play together - and fight, yes, but some of the time they will choose to play nicely :).

trixymalixy · 11/04/2011 20:26

DS was 2.5 when DD was born, I don't think I ever really felt ready to have another, but wanted DS to have a playmate, so I wouldn't have to entertain him the whole time!!

It is definitely much easier going from 1-2 than from 0-1.

forehead · 11/04/2011 20:34

I agree with those who say that it is better to have another child. Do you really want to entertain an only child.? I have three and they have spent the whole day playing together. If i had one child i would either have to take them to some overpriced play centre or constantly invite some snotty nosed brat to my home.
If you are going to have another child, have one as soon as possible while still in a baby mode.

jester68 · 11/04/2011 20:41

There are 4 years between my 2 daughters.

With my first I struggled a lot. Had PND, found it really hard to adjust to being a mum. I worried about everything, whether I was doing it right etc. Everything had to be perfect. But pregnancy was perfect (apart from a bleed at 10 weeks pregnant).

Fast forward to when I found out I was pregnant again ( a happy accident) I was absolutely terrified. Was scared how I would cope with another baby. Felt my life had just got back to normality as eldest was at preschool 15 hours a week, and meant I had a little time to myself.
Pregnancy was awful with constant sickness/tiredness throughout, repeated urine infections, SPD. Was harder to fit in relax time as had a preschooler to look after but least I got time each day in term time to relax.

She was born last may and can honestly say it has been much easier- I have not panicked as much with bathing for the first times, illnesses ,getting everything right.

It can be hard. Like adjusting to getting 2 bathed and in bed, trying to entertein them both. And it was a bit of a trauma trying to get used to doing school runs etc. But with practice it has all sorted out.

Both start the day around 7am
Normal school days- Change baby's bum, get them both breakfast. Get myself dressed, then eldest daughter. Take eldest to school for 8.45am.

Come back and baby goes for a nap around 9.15am- usually to around 11am. In that time I will wash up, steralise bottles, put a load of laundry on, quick sweep through. Then sit down with a coffee and have a go on MN!

When baby gets up I play with her for a bit/do her bum again etc. Then put laundry on line/in dryer. Give baby some lunch then play some more or go and do some shopping if needed. Come back and she has a nap around 1.15pm. I usually prepare tea then and fold up laundry/do ironing. Have another sit down with a coffee, wash up lunch stuff etc.

She wakes around 2.30, do her bum again, get her coat on and then go collect her big sister from school.

Come back. Change eldest into playclothes and we will learn her words/do her reading book while she has a small snack and a drink.

Then the girls will play together while i finish off dinner.

Eat around 4.30-5pm.

Wash up then do bath time around 6pm. Girls go down to bed around 6.30 and asleep by 7.30 at latest (normally)

Usually have a quick sweep through, get clothes ready for morning,mop if needed.

Have a bath myself then enjoy MN or FB for the evening -bliss!

So to be honest routine is the key- and though can be hard when both or one is ill as routine can go a bit crazy it is OK normally

MindySimmons · 11/04/2011 20:50

tbh I feel I need a better reason than just a playmate for my dd to have another. Yes it is true that you think more about playdates etc but I love being out and about anyway and dd and I get to visit lots of different people and do lots of different things together (as well as her being a very popular playmate for those that want a break from siblings!) I haven't had anymore because i just don't feel the urge and am very contented with the balance. It doesn't bother me that I play a lot with dd as in a blink of an eye, they all grow up and you just aren't that cool anymore ;-). I certainly don;t want to be substitute sibling for dd either and in addition, I think it's really important for her to socialise with others her age and in other types of family size. The reason I enjoy having one is I can revel in each and every stage and give her time - my dh is fantastic but as health issues that can impact us quite seriously both through stays in hospital and me needing to provide a steady income (fortunately as I run a business, I get to be flexible with my work so get much more time with dd than most working mums so I feel very fortunate).

Yes I have times when I think about how much dd would like a sibling but for me, to have another means wholeheartedly taking on the responsibility of raising another little person to be happy and contented, not provide a playmate for a child I already have. All of my friends have more than 1 and they are fabulous mothers, I feel my talents are as a mum of one! DD is 4 now and I'm mid thirties so never say never but for some time, I have felt that for us, 3 appears to be the magic number!

LittleB · 11/04/2011 20:50

Another vote for a big gap, i also couldn't face the thought of managing two little DC's while working, I have 5yrs 7mths between mine. DC2 is only 3 1/2 mths but so far I love a bigger gap as I get plenty of 1:1 time with no. 2 and can nap when he naps etc I've also found things much easier 2nd time around as I'm much more confident. DC1 also likes helping mother dc2, and dc2 loves watching dc1 and her friends playing etc. its brilliant so far and wouldn't have it any other way, I'd do it again if I was younger.

onceamai · 11/04/2011 21:13

I remember thinking that I loved DS so much I was scared that it wouldn't be possible to share it out equally; I didn't know until dd came that you didn't have to; the baby fairy gives you another big dollop with the baby.

MindySimmons · 12/04/2011 09:28

Oh and I'm not sure that having one child makes me lazy! Being scared to have another is one thing but I don't think it's matter of laze or effort, it's what works in your context

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