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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I just can't win?

46 replies

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:14

I have a SAHW and the house is a tip (we both could not be bothered with it over the weekend. too nice and wanted to be in the sun). Wife is upset and feeling overwhelmed with the 2 boys and the mess.

I rang her dad and asked if he minded taking her and the boys out for tea as she is a little upset about the state of the house. The plan was for me to blitz it while she is out, to take a little pressure of her. Just told her and she is now upset with me.

Can anyone shed some light and explain what I have done wrong?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2011 16:17

I'm guessing two things, you told her Dad the house was a tip and she has to have a trip out which she hasn't chosen (also, now three things because you have posted this in public!)

GypsyMoth · 11/04/2011 16:18

i think she might want you to get cross with her to give her a kick up the b is backside,i.e some motivation!!

why is she being indulged like this?? taken out for tea??

Original poster
MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:18

Still not sure what is bad about that.

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 11/04/2011 16:18

I'm not sure, to be honest. I'd love it if my other half did that, so wonder what other issues there are.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:19

ILoveTIFFANY - she is a great mum and is forever cleaning. because of the two boys it seems fruitless. She aint being indulged by any means I just thought this would be nice for her.

OP posts:
Gissabreak · 11/04/2011 16:20

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ladyintheradiator · 11/04/2011 16:20

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helendigestives · 11/04/2011 16:20

Can anyone shed some light...

Yes - your wife. Talk to her. Only she can answer why she's upset.

frgr · 11/04/2011 16:22

embrassment at her house being a tip made even more public

feeling like a "bad" mum/wife

maybe you're crap at housework and she knows she'll have to redo it anyway?

money worries re: the trip out

maybe she's fallen out with her dad or he's feeling ill this week and she didn't want him involved

a million reasons.

but YANBU for trying Smile can't win em all!

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2011 16:23

Ah, Helen the voice of reason Grin

BeerTricksPotter · 11/04/2011 16:23

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Fernie3 · 11/04/2011 16:24

i think she is feeling embarassed and guilty?

sixlostmonkeys · 11/04/2011 16:24

I think maybe the solution is - ask her dad to take me out for tea while you blitz my house Grin

seriously, talk to her...ask her (and apologise for everything)

nikki1978 · 11/04/2011 16:24

Who knows. I would love it if DH did this (actually he does sometimes and I love him for it). Maybe it is just a pride thing with her Dad? I hope she apologises for being oversenstive though - you sound lovely :)

slightlymad72 · 11/04/2011 16:25

Because she's annoyed with herself for not being Wonder Woman, in her head she should be able to run around after 2 kids, clean house and support her husband, in reality non of us are wonder woman. Then to add on to her feeling crap because she isn't wonder woman, you come along being nice and helpful which makes her feel crapper because she hasn't even managed to clean the house which in her head is the least she coud do for you being wonderful.

You're right you can't win, but she'll love you for it Smile

Ziggyzag · 11/04/2011 16:25

You have effectively told her dad that she is a crap housewife! It doesn't matter how true it may or may not be she will be annoyed because you have involved a third party.

It's really good of you to want to help her and go home and do the cleaning while she is out but, chances are, it will just make her feel really guilty that she's not doing it.

swallowedAfly · 11/04/2011 16:27

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ENormaSnob · 11/04/2011 16:27

How old are your sons?

swallowedAfly · 11/04/2011 16:27

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MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2011 16:28

MrSpoc is getting a lot of smoke blown up his ass for cleaning. I hope we don't expect so little from our menfolk...

FabbyChic · 11/04/2011 16:28

I think it's a lovely idea. Maybe she was upset by your thoughtfullness! just a bit overwhelmed.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:28

thanks helendigestives - Cant see you saying the same to other women on here.

Frgr - thanks I think you may be a little right. She just text and said she just can't be arsed and didnt want her family thinking she could not cope. (Not sure why as they know she is very good at being a mum and there are very supportive). She also has a great relationship with her dad.

OP posts:
camdancer · 11/04/2011 16:31

I thought you might be my DH, but you said she is forever cleaning, so it can't be! But this is something he'd do and tbh it would piss me off too.

Firstly, you can't win this one. As slightylymad says, she is pissed off with herself for not being superwoman and you just rubbed it in that little bit more.

But also, she is a SAHM, all her week is looking after the children. She doesn't get any time without the children. So instead of taking the kids out while she cleans (which she probably feels is her job and she should be able to do it), you send her off to look after the children yet again. What about you taking the children off her hands for an hour or two at the weekend and then she can do whatever she wants. (And I freely admit I could be completely off base with this and am projecting my own issues. I just want some child-free time even if it is just to clean the house without helpers!)

clam · 11/04/2011 16:31

You haven't done nything wrong. You had a great idea and it's sad that it seems to have backfired.
I would guess that she's miffed because she's been feeling upset that the house is a tip because she let it slide and "failed" herself. You solving the problem for her is not the answer - for her.
Bloody well would be for me, though.

chrisrobin · 11/04/2011 16:31

I'm a SAHM and overwhelmed by the mess and the fact that all the work is undone by my whirlwind boys. DH is fab and often does a little tidying when he knows I have had a bad day with the boys BUT irrationally it really annoys me. I see him cleaning/tidying as disapproval for the state the house gets into and feel it is an insult. I know he is doing it to help but I still hate it. It just feels like I try my best but it isn't good enough.

I would be very upset if he mentioned the state of the house to my parents, I try to make the house as tidy as possible when I have any visitors so wouldn't want them aware of the mess it can get in.

I know you had the best intentions but I think I can understand why she is upset.

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