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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think I just can't win?

46 replies

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:14

I have a SAHW and the house is a tip (we both could not be bothered with it over the weekend. too nice and wanted to be in the sun). Wife is upset and feeling overwhelmed with the 2 boys and the mess.

I rang her dad and asked if he minded taking her and the boys out for tea as she is a little upset about the state of the house. The plan was for me to blitz it while she is out, to take a little pressure of her. Just told her and she is now upset with me.

Can anyone shed some light and explain what I have done wrong?

OP posts:

working9while5 · 11/04/2011 16:32

I have to agree with MrSpoc - interesting how when a man posts about his wife, he is told that he shouldn't be posting/should speak to her, but it's perfectly reasonable for women to seek opinions of others online.

Insomnia11 · 11/04/2011 16:32

I'd love it personally, but I can also see that doing this for someone can make it seem that they are doing a crap job, esp if they are really consciencious/slightly controlling/a perfectionist.

I used to be like this if my mum offered to do the ironing, or if my MIL tidied up while I was out, I wouldn't say anything but think it was a criticism. Nowadays I just jump at the offer of help, and actually ask for help too!

Probably you just need to explain to your wife that you were trying to help, that everyone can get overwhelmed sometimes, or feel like "Ah feck it", as let's face it, housework is not the most rivetting thing in the world and that it isn't a criticism. I think what you did was lovely though, well done.

Hassled · 11/04/2011 16:33

If she's feeling a bit overwhelmed by life then having to go out to tea, looking vaguely presentable, and then keep the boys under control in a cafe/restaurant etc might just feel like one more hurdle.

You sound very kind - just let her lie in the bath or on the sofa and get the kids helping to clear up - can X put away the Duplo faster than Y can put away the train track? Make a game out of it.

activate · 11/04/2011 16:33

do you tidy up like a man?

YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 16:39

You didn't have any reason to believe your wife would object to her Father finding out about the state of the house. IMO you were being a thoughtful Husband. Awww. She'll come around. Next time don't tell anyone.

BTW i was in Straford-Upon-Avon on Saturday with my SN son in the disabled toilet and a woman barged in with her baby in the pram!

TandB · 11/04/2011 16:41

No, I don't think you did anything wrong. This was a Nice Thing To Do.

Having read previous posts I thought you were a prat to be honest, but I may have changed my mind on the strength of this.

Original poster

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:45

activate - Yes, as my wife says, i moved things but don't tidy. Or I tidy but don't clean.

I find the womens mind very stressful, She tells me whats up so I come up with a solution. But I agree that she could of seen it as an insult but how do i do it without it sounding like one?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:47

kungfupannda - dont change your mind, I am still a prat at time and can hold very irrational views and I am very hard to change my mind.

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TandB · 11/04/2011 16:48

Prat.

BeautifulBlondePineapple · 11/04/2011 16:48

If my DH had done this for me, I would have been so happy I would've burst into tears. It sounds like you're very thoughtful and a lovely man indeed.

Your wife could be upset because she's taken it as a criticism from you, or maybe she doesn't want to be bothered going out for tea with the kids in tow or maybe she didn't want her folks to think that she's not coping.

I know that when our house is a state (which it often is!) I feel a bit out of control and less calm than normal so maybe she's a bit tense. Talk to her, but try not to get cross with her for being cross with you if you see what I mean.

And ignore all that "do you clean like a man" chat. My DH is a far better tidier and cleaner than I am.

TandB · 11/04/2011 16:48

Sorry - missed the wink off the end of that.

working9while5 · 11/04/2011 16:49

Christ

"Do you tidy up like a man?"

Jesus. Do women really feel that housework is something worth being so personally invested in that they feel like a failure if they don't maintain x or y standards on one sodding weekend? That it's something they are biologically programmed to do to a better standard than a man?

This is depressingly sexist!

QuickLookBusy · 11/04/2011 16:50

"So I come up with a solution" MrSpoc thats where you are going wrong!

If you had said "DW I know the house is a tip because we didn't do any housework at the weekend. What do you think to you going out for tea, and me tidying for a bit?"

Simple- Ask if your "solution" is ok before implementing it!

navyblueknickers · 11/04/2011 16:50

Rather than assuming you know what she wants, ask her. Point out that you also helped make the mess so you could both enjoy the weekend and the DC, and its not fair her having to catch up on her own.

I think its a lovely gesture but truth be known, if my DH did this I would a) assume it was his way of saying I couldn't cope and b) him being arrogant in assuming he knew what was wrong with me without asking. My DH is very like this - he never asks, just always assumes he knows why I am upset and always thinks he knows how to solve it. In 16 years I don't think he has ever been right!

Most of all, acknoweldge to her that you appreciate everything she does - but try not to do it in a patronising way.

chrisrobin · 11/04/2011 16:52

How about trying to do 'little and often' instead of a blitz? So when you see toys on the floor put them away or when you have a bath clean the bathroom while it runs. Do it without bringing it to anyones attention; she will know you have cleaned the bathroom but the fact you haven't said 'right, I'll go and clean the bathroom' or 'thats the bathroom clean' makes it less like a criticism.

swallowedAfly · 11/04/2011 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:57

I knew what was wrong with her because I asked. Yes I should not just go ahead behing her back and contact her father to take her out while I clean but, and this is a big but, women on here are always saying how they like their husbands to be a little spontanious once in a while. So i hold all you women responsible

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Original poster

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 16:59

chrisrobin thanks but i already do that. the house is just in a major tip bcause of the sun we swanned off to the beach (sand everywhere, no soap powder for clothes) and again out all day Sunday. Both far to tired Sunday night.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 17:03

Ha ha she must be reading this, she just text and asked if i will take the boys to the park for a bit tonight while she gets on with things.

OP posts:

chrisrobin · 11/04/2011 17:09

Sorry MrSpoc, projecting
The theory still stands though, a little bit of sand vacuuming today, a little bit of bunging washing in machine tomorrow.
Sounds like its sorted though, have a good time with your boys.

clam · 11/04/2011 17:23

working9while5 I don't feel a failure in the slightest if my house is a tip, particularly if i made a conscious decision over the weekend, as I did, to lounge around on a deckchair with a beer leafing through holiday brochures for large part of the weekend. But mrs spoc is clearly stressed by the state of her house and some of us are just speculating as to why.
When our house gets particularly awful, whichever one of us cracks first will suggest a list of jobs and then we carve them up according to our own preference. DH usually opts for the kitchen and bathrooms, I do the living areas and our bedroom and the kids do the crappy jobs we don't like their rooms.

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