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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more than a one day's help if im having a miscarriage?

64 replies

fran28 · 11/04/2011 10:09

Think i am having a miscarriage and asked boyfriend to help with 8 month old daughter...i have had 3 miscarriages before and they were absolute agony and he wasnt there for any of them...was a selfish prick when i was pregnant with daughter too

He said if he helped last night..he wouldnt be able to help today...now he doesnt work...doesnt help with daughter day to day...sleeps all day nost days...plays the playstation and drinks most nights so there is no reason why he couldnt help all week..

When i got pregnant this time...he said the usual crap...how this time it would be different...oh and we dont live with each other...thank god

OP posts:

GeekCool · 11/04/2011 10:34

Fabby miscarriage is not a 'sign' of a bad choice of partner. It's not about sugar coating, it's just a terrible thing to say or suggest to a woman in the midst of a miscarriage.
OP, you need to deal with one thing at a time. Have you contacted your doctor/midwife? Yes you should have more support from him, but you may be better to assume you will get none and concentrate on yourself and your daughter just now.
I wouldn't make any rash decisions at this moment in time, but when you are ready you need to have a serious think if this is the man you want to rely on.

Original poster

fran28 · 11/04/2011 10:41

Everything is just a complete mess...

OP posts:

MmeSurvivedLent · 11/04/2011 10:48

Ok. Sit yourself down. Make a cup of tea and have a choc biscuit.

Now.

Phone your GP or early pregnancy unit and get an appointment.

Get yourself sorted out first.

When that is done, have a think about your relationship and what YOU want. Not what your family want, or what you think is best for your DD. What you want.

Then move on.

Supermoo · 11/04/2011 10:48

Fran, sorry things are so tough for you. As GeekCool says, take it one thing at a time. Get some support from someone other than dp, even if only your GP right now.

Flabby, just to clarify - it is your opinion that miscarrying a baby could in fact be a 'sign' that the woman is not in an ideal relationship? Honestly?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 11/04/2011 10:53

Well having recently had a mc, I think if there ever was a time for sugar coating things it's when someone is in the middle of one. You can criticise her crap taste in men later.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. Forget him for the moment, he sounds worse than useless. Is there anyone else that can be with you/look after the babog? Sort yourself out first, it's tough enough without re-evaluating your life at the same time. You can think about him when the dust has settled a little.

Original poster

fran28 · 11/04/2011 11:01

I know if i go to my gp she will tell me to wait like all the others..or if she does send me up to the hospital...i will be kept waiting for hours only to be told they cant tell me anything and come back during the week....

To be honest... i dont want him in my life but i dont have a choice...he tries to use my daughter against me...one thing i have never and would never do to him...he doesnt see her normally but when we are fighting? all of a sudden he must come up here and see her...

I have told him that we should just try and be friends for her sake but then i get called sick if i want to find someone else to be happy with..of course he wants us to stay together cos i have never treated him like that and always been there when he needed me..more than i should of!

Thanks for all yer replys...have some thinking to do..

OP posts:

Supermoo · 11/04/2011 11:06

Sorry to be intrusive, but how far along are you? Are you bleeding? I know you've had mcs before, I don't mean to be patronising. You do have some thinking to do, but look after yourself first ok?

K999 · 11/04/2011 11:06

If you don't want him in your life you DO have a choice. It is absolutely pointless staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. He is in effect emotionally blackmailing you and people who love each other don't do that. Am sorry about your MC. But I would seriously be looking to get yourself out of this relationship....

Original poster

fran28 · 11/04/2011 11:07

Oh and...he wasnt like this when i met him...he really was nice and caring..i know now he was putting on an act to impress...by the time i had the first miscarriage...he changed...

my head was just so much in to having a baby...nothing really got sorted out between me and him and i put up with the crap cos i wanted a baby so much and thought he would change when we had a baby

OP posts:

Original poster

fran28 · 11/04/2011 11:09

am about 6 weeks and spotting..i know spotting can be normal but with me ...it never has been...always resulted in miscarriage...

OP posts:

GeekCool · 11/04/2011 11:10

He sounds controlling. The second you show signs of wanting out, he gets demanding with your dd and you. You KNOW this is not normal behaviour. Deep down you know this man is not going to change. The only thing you can do is get free of him, for you and your dd.
Are you will to accept this as your life? A man who cannot even support his OH during an horribly traumatic time?

squeakytoy · 11/04/2011 11:10

I am sorry you are going through this. You do have a choice though not to have him in YOUR life. He has to be in your daughters life, but he doesnt have to be your partner.

Gemsy83 · 11/04/2011 11:12

I am sorry, it must be awful. But I really do echo the others who say getting pregnant with a total loser is ridiculous. These are often the children who end up living in chaotic environments and struggling in life through no fault of their own- purely because THEIR parents wanted a baby.

Flowerpotmummy · 11/04/2011 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 11:21

Fran, 6 weeks and spotting isn't a reliable indication of MC. I'm not sure what your GP would say at this stage though (sorry) and you prob don't have a midewife yet? If you do, call her, if only to talk this through.

You DO need to rest though - can any family have the baby for you?
DON'T ask your partner. It sounds as though he can't be relied on and if you keep asking, you're constantly putting yourself through disappointment and grief.

I'm certainly not defending your partner - but 6 weeks into a pregnancy isn't 'visible' and I'm betting that he has no emotional attachment to this pregnancy. But from your point of view, or any woman's point of view, a pregnancy is a pregnancy, and a loss at whatever stage is something to be grieved. I'm sorry if this is a miscarriage, but before sorting out your partner, you've got to sort out your health.

I think you already know what you need to do in the future with regards to him. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. He's blackmailing you to stay with him. Your baby girl is the only good thing out of this relationship I feel, and even if he does make an effort to be a Daddy (pretty unlikely I feel), he's not supporting you or respecting you enough.

One step at a time though.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 11/04/2011 11:22

You poor thing

You need to concentrate on getting through this. It may be a miscarraige but it may not.

Whatever it is you need to rest and look after yourself.

Your DD will be fine in her cot with some toys whilst you have a lie down.

Please dont get pg with this man again. You and your children deserve better.

NestaFiesta · 11/04/2011 11:23

I sympathise with you OP. I have had miscarriages and cried a river. You poor thing.

You just have to go through this, be gentle with yourself and when you can see clearly, please rethink this relationship. If he can't be there for a miscarriage then he's not going to be a reliable committed father, is he? In fact he sounds like a terrible father judging by your description. He doesn't see your daughter, but finds time for playstation. He doesn't work, so obviously doesn't see providing for her as a priority. He says unfair and unkind things to you in order to manipulate you.

I don't see anywhere that he makes you really happy. I don't see anywhere that he puts himself out for either you or your daughter.

Please set yourself free and if you need to, go to CAB to get some structured visiting in place for him and your daughter. Don't let him use his time with her as a stick to beat you with when he is angry with you. He can't cherry pick when it comes to being a parent.

Take care and let us know how you get on.

Original poster

fran28 · 11/04/2011 11:26

i know but the minute i want to get on with my life he will start going about getting the baby or having her stay in his and he is not capable of looking after a baby on his own..and his place isnt suitable for her..

OP posts:

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 11:27

Don't let him use his time with her as a stick to beat you with when he is angry with you. He can't cherry pick when it comes to being a parent.

Absolutely right. Remember this, Fran. He should be putting you two above and beyond anything else. He isn't.

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 11:29

I don't know legal ins and outs, but you're her Mum, and you can surely state your concerns when these things need to be arranged. I suspect that he won't actually bother to follow these threats through, and if he does, they'll be short lived when he realises that he has to put in an effort.

You're thinking too far ahead though and causing obstacles for yourself. One step at a time. Get through today first.

Original poster

fran28 · 11/04/2011 11:36

yeah..yer right...but i know this evening when he finally gets up he will be going about coming up to see the baby...and how it is his right.....im just so worn out from his crap...

OP posts:

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 11:42

Then you tell him that it's not convenient. That you're both getting an early night. Be firm. Don't let him wear you down. I feel so sorry for you, going through this alone. Can't you go and stay with relatives or friends for a few days?

NestaFiesta · 11/04/2011 11:44

Nobody can make you hand your baby over to him to live. CAB offer excellent free legal advice. Don't worry about his silly groundless threats. He's just trying to bully you with things that he knows will frighten you.

When you look back on this awful miscarriage, I hope you will remember it as the impetus that made you change your life for the better. I doubt that any court in the land would send your baby to live with this unreliable immature man.

He is harming you and your daughter emotionally. You both deserve better.

Original poster

fran28 · 11/04/2011 11:45

no its not possible..this is all my own fault anyway...sometimes i get lonely and leave him stay here over night..

OP posts:

Gemsy83 · 11/04/2011 11:57

Maybe Jeremy Kyle then?

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