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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dh to "give it a rest" ?

54 replies

cherrychoo · 10/04/2011 19:57

I babysit once a week for a pal.

She & her dh have no family nearby, so not opportunity for a break.

I have family 10 minutes from me and none of them are even the least bit interested in my child, so i know what its like having zero support or help. We have never even been out to celebrate our wedding anniversary and we have been married for 11 years.

Dh keeps saying " i ope that she plans on reciprocating"

My child does not know her, she does not drive and i wouldnt dream of asking her to babysit for us.
I do it because i adore her baby, and i love her as a friend, she had pnd and just needs 1 few hours break...which i am in a position to offer.

so dh....wind your neck in, or AIBU?

OP posts:
duckypoo · 11/04/2011 01:06

Is there any reason why this woman could not get to know your dc's?, then the arrangement could be reciprocal, much fairer really.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 11/04/2011 06:42

I don't think it is good to have the attitude that if you do something nice for someone, that means they 'owe' you. So I disagree with him on that.

However, do you and him get to go out once a week? once a month? ever?

It is not unreasonable of him to want for the two of you what you are giving to this couple.

She's a friend you care enough about to go round every single week and look after her child, but not to be in your life? As in come round to yours, socialise with you, know your children?

She has a baby?

How old are your children?

Are you doing this every week for her or because you want a baby?

I am probably way off Grin I normally am this time in the morning. But she's not in your life, she doesn't know your kids and you make a point of talking about her baby. Is this fulfulling some need in you, I wonder?

Anyway, your husband is not wrong to want to go out with you.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 11/04/2011 06:58

I think it's really great that you do this for her but I see DH's point. Would there be any harm in asking? Maybe just once in a while rather than every week like you do? Everyone deserves a break and that includes you and DH.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 11/04/2011 07:00

I do agree he should stop going on about it btw

onceamai · 11/04/2011 07:55

I do things for my friends and they remain friends because they are nice people who reciprocate.

hissymissy · 11/04/2011 08:56

I think what you are doing is lovely. Like a lot of posters, I can see DPs POV though, I think you should have this friend get to know your DC and reciprocate every now and again, so that DP and you can have some time together, and it is also healthier for your friend to not feel endebted.

Original poster
cherrychoo · 11/04/2011 21:12

Hi thanks every one for your answers, greatly appreciated.

The majority think that iabu.

But can i say that as a person who suffered PND with NO support at all what so ever (other than dh who had no idea what was wrong with me) i feel deeply to my core for her.
She is suffering this and i can help, a tiny bit as i would have LOVEd someone to have taken the time to do this for me.

She is a lovely, kind, thoughtful person and i know, this is making a difference to her ability to cope and get through this awful period in her life.

So for now, the near future i will continue to offer this favour. I do not want anything back, she is unable to do anything for me. I do not want her to do anything for me.
DH is bieng a bit petulant and he has a short memory.
He clearly doesnt recall how awful and black those days were not just for me but for him too, living with me/it.

So unreasonable or not, i aim to continue...for now.

OP posts:
takethisonehereforastart · 11/04/2011 23:07

OP you are not being unreasonable, you are being a lovely friend. You can come and be my friend too if you like :)

I can see your DH's point though, not so much about her reciprocating but about wanting some time with someone babysitting so you can have some time to yourselves, if that is why he is making these mutterings.

Perhaps he's just concerned that she is taking advantage or you are doing too much.

Talk it over with him. Once you know what his problem with this arrangement actually is you can decide what to do about it, if anything.

Dozer · 11/04/2011 23:32

You sound like a really caring friend, but think it would be a good plan to get a babysitter so you and dh can go out sometimes.

differentnameforthis · 12/04/2011 12:44

I can see his point. There are many ways around it, if she was happy to sit, you could fetch her/drop her home!

It isn't only mums with pnd who need a break!

dearyme · 12/04/2011 12:46

why does she have to go out once a week

why not once a month

dearyme · 12/04/2011 12:46

maybe DH needs a break too

JeffTracy · 12/04/2011 12:49

As your friend does not drive and has PND then YANBU and what you are doing is a very nice thing.

Go out with your DH every now and then though Smile

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 12/04/2011 12:50

Then DH can arrange a babysitter. They're his DC too so it's just as much his responsibility Hmm

cat64 · 12/04/2011 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GreenEyesandHam · 12/04/2011 14:44

I think the OP's next thread title might well be..

'to tell Mumsnet to give it a rest'

:o

thumbwitch · 12/04/2011 14:47

I see his point but also yours. You don't want to leave your baby with a stranger, fair enough - but who is going to help you both out for a night out? Why does your friend get that option but not the pair of you?

Mind you, my DH doesn't like me doing favours for anyone without knowing that there will be something "coming back" from it either - I don't know why, he obviously just wasn't brought up to be generous! :(

MrSpoc · 12/04/2011 15:10

What i dont get is your adore her baby yet she does no even know your children?

Your husband has a very valid point, maybe he would like to go out once in a while with his wife.

HeadfirstForHalos · 12/04/2011 15:47

It's pretty obvious your dh would like some child-free time.

HeadfirstForHalos · 12/04/2011 15:48

Just a thought, if you adore her baby, why not invite them around, get to know them? Maybe after you get to know her you would be happy for her to babysit, then everyone is happy.

JanMorrow · 12/04/2011 15:51

If you want to do it (ie you enjoy it) then he shouldn't mind. It's just like going to the gym or playing footie or going swimming, it's just an activity you enjoy which happens to help someone.

Original poster
cherrychoo · 12/04/2011 17:05

my child is 7, she is a work friend.
she has met my child once, he doesnt know her.
It is a 30 minute drive to her house from mine, and she doesnt drive.

We asked the mil if our child could go to thiers for a bit in the holidays (they live 10 mins from us) thinking she may offer to have him for an hour while we go shopping....and she offered to have him over night.

OMFG

I am gobsmacked!!! so we said "yes please" so we are going to the cinema and out for tea together in a weeks time. WHOOOP WHOOOP!!!! YAYYYYYY! Smile
we are evry happy and really looking forward to it!
We kinda go out seperately, well out for us is pub tea with a mate then home for 9ish lol!

thansk again for all your help xxxxx

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 12/04/2011 17:09

That's good that you have some well deserved couple time to look forward to :)

thumbwitch · 13/04/2011 02:12

oh excellent - hope MIL follows through with her offer! And hope that your DH will be a bit happier now. :)

MaternityNursesaregreat · 13/04/2011 08:10

Green eggs and ham and bronze I'm with you.

If you've ever suffered PND, what cherrychoo is doing for her friend is
amazingly selfless. It undoubtedly makes a humungous difference to the quality of her friend's life.

In time when her friend is in a much better place and feels that she is able to
reciprocate, I am sure she will reciprocate tenfold.

Have the rest of you never heard of the pleasure in giving. Why would you give if in every case you expect something in return. In many cases I sure many of us do, but there are times that we give simply because it is a kind, generous and loving thing to do for the people we care about.

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