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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do other fathers do?

42 replies

michelle2011 · 10/04/2011 09:45

im a SAHM at the moment and their father doesnt do much with them, i mean almost nothing. ok he plays with them in the house as they potter about and changes the odd nappy but does not take them out anywhere. never! im so disappointed in him. i see other parents in the park and think about him. he works btw but doesnt work all the time. what do other fathers do out of interest?

OP posts:

cunexttuesonline · 10/04/2011 09:50

Have you asked him to take them out etc? My DH takes DS out while I go off galivanting but that's because I tell him to

justpaddling · 10/04/2011 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

michelle2011 · 10/04/2011 09:52

i ask him all the time, there is no interest there none whatsoever which i find very very odd

OP posts:

treas · 10/04/2011 09:52

How old are they? My dh wasn't particularly hands-on when my dc were very young (he was worried he might break them!), but as they have got older he does cooking with them, takes them out etc. At the mo he's in the garden tidying up with the kids 'helping'.

Bunnynamedstanely · 10/04/2011 09:53

My husband does lots with the kids when he's not working, including feefing, toileting, bathing as well as taking them out places and just playing with them at home. How old are your DCs? Maybe he just doesn't know what to do? Why not all go to the park together until he gets the hang of it andvis brave enough to go on his own.

amerryscot · 10/04/2011 09:54

When mine were little and I was a SAHM, dh always took them to the park on the weekends, and also did the bedtime story every night.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 10/04/2011 09:56

DH is a very hands on dad. Always changing nappies, giving cuddles, doing bath/bed, playing. He's taken them to the park today (with his older DCs too who are staying over) so I can have a rest. He's off work due to an injury (so he's struggling on crutches today while his DD pushes the buggy) but he's good with them even when working FT.

He's a bit useless when it comes to choosing/buying their clothes - they often look ridiculous - but that's about the only fault I can find with him :o

I often find myself thinking (especially after MNing) how lucky I am but actually it's just what I and my children deserve isn't it.

Carrotsandcelery · 10/04/2011 09:57

My dh was very reluctant to take mine out when they were younger. He always tried to usher me out of the house if I needed a break rather than let me have a break in the house while he took them out.

As they have grown he has grown more confident and they have grown easier to manage.

I am inclined to "manage" every aspect of their lives and have had to step back a pace and let him do it his way - that has helped.
He will take them to activities now if they are at the weekend or he is off work. He will now collect from school if he is off. He would take one of them to the cinema now or out for a walk or maybe even the park.
He still doesn't do this often I have to admit but now they are older and I am still a SAHM I am usually keen to go out at every opportunity and now they are at school I am usually keen to spend every minute with them that I can so I suspect a lot of it is my own doing.

cryhavoc · 10/04/2011 09:58

How old are your children? I used to feel like I had to give DH ideas on what to do with DD, but for the last year or so(she has recently turned 3) he has adopted swimming as their thing. At least one morning every weekend he takes her to the pool, and usually takes her for lunch on the way back. This gives me time to study mumsnet. They also go to the park quite a lot, or take the dogs out. Is he friends with any other dads? DH is very friendly with DD's friend's dad, and this morning the four of them have gone swimming together.

Newgolddream · 10/04/2011 10:02

I work full time and my DH is a SAHD through the week as I work Mon-Friday and the he works from 9 am on a Saturday to 9 am on a Sunday. Through the week he obviously does a lot with my youngest 2 who are 3 and 8, he gets DS2 ready for school and does his homework with him, he walks DS3 to nursery and collects him. He baths DS3 to and is currently trying to potty train him. Fun wise hes always playing silly games with them both.
Saturday its me and my boys.

We love spending time all together when we get a chance and often go picnics etc. I can sit back with a galss of wine and watch him tearing about with the boys, and appreciate how lucky I am, they are so close to their Dad.

Cat98 · 10/04/2011 10:02

Dh is hands on and is at the park with ds now. He also takes him swimming every couple of weeks. When we are just in the house though he does sometimes just sit glued to his I phone while ds potters, which annoys me a bit, but then there are times when I do the same with mn!

notprEGGersjustchocolate · 10/04/2011 10:06

I think FriedEggandslippery and I have the same kind of guy.
Exactly what my dh does. He is marvellous - and he is just playing the part he is supposed to really.
No excuse for a man to duck out of stuff because he is just a man.

Think you should show yours this thread OP!!

Morloth · 10/04/2011 10:07

DH does the morning shift Monday-Saturday, gets them up, has brekkie with them, does teeth, gets them dressed etc. I am not a pretty sight pre shower/coffee. On Sundays I drag myself up first so he can have his lie in.

He doesn't seem them in the evenings at all Mon-Fri and I do all childcare/housework/school run then.

He is very hands on when he is here, I often bugger off on the weekend for a few hours or he takes them out biking or something.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 10/04/2011 10:08

My DH travels such a lot with his work, it is not something he can avoid, it is part of what he does, so I spend quite a lot of time on my own with them ( he is away at the moment!) so when he is here we do things altogether because time was so precious.

Cat98 · 10/04/2011 10:11

Oh and dh gets up with him and gives him breakfast most mornings before work. We have alternate lie ins at the weekend, then we usually all do stuff together. Dh plays football sunday mornings. Do you all go out together? Is it just taking them out on his own that's the problem? Is it a confidence thing?

dreamingbohemian · 10/04/2011 10:16

I notice you say 'their father' rather than 'my partner' -- what is your relationship like? Are you living together, are things okay? Not trying to be nosy, but if for example you don't live together then that would somewhat account for his being disengaged.

nzshar · 10/04/2011 10:20

DP gets up every morning with ds and does breakfast makes school lunch etc while I shower etc then I walk ds to school. Weekends are a bit different if we go anywhere we all go together (dp is blind) though dp does often take ds out and about on scooter/bike locally. DP shares in all evening routines apart from when ds was little and dp was still working I did all night feeds.

iscream · 10/04/2011 10:23

How about you plan a picnic, or zoo outing, to the park to kick a ball around, something along that line, for the family once a week, or every other week? Just a few hours out having some fresh air, seeing other families together, taking pictures, may help him bond a little more with them.

mrsbumbledosem · 10/04/2011 10:27

Look I am no expert and my DP is no exemplar but I have found giving orders and expectations at the beginning of the day ( as opposed to waiting for it to just happen ) to be v useful. I will literally plonk the baby down and walk away and slowly but surely he is becoming engaged with her. I think he just has these habits of switching off (in his defence he works incredibly long hours) and I have pointed out that his DD deserves his full unmitigated attention.

AnnieLobePassoverSeder · 10/04/2011 10:34

My DH never takes the DDs anywhere, but he doesn't like taking himself out either. He's a homebody and doesn't understand why I ever want to go out! However, in the house, we split all child-related tasks 50/50.

If your DH is happy to take himself out but not the DCs, I'd get annoyed.

I once spoke to DH about taking the girls out more, and his logic was that I like taking them out and he doesn't. I pointed out that most trips out with the girls are either non-stop terror that they'll get lost/injured or utter boredom at tedious kiddie activities. But that I do it for the DDs' sake. He was amazed that I don't love every minute of these outings! Perhaps you should have a similar chat with your DH.....

forehead · 10/04/2011 10:42

Dh and i both have demanding jobs, but before we were married, i told dh that i had certain expectations. It was important that my dh would be totally hands on which he is. He takes the children to their swimming lessons and drama classes on Saturday. At the moment , dh and the kids are rollerblading in the park.
When the children were babies, he would change nappies, feed etc.
I know that i am lucky, however i did make it clear from day one that if we had children, he would have to do his share. Many women don't do this and then are annoyed when their husbands do nothing with the children.

Groovee · 10/04/2011 10:43

Dh is very hands on, he takes ds to football training and his matches. He takes dd dancing and he's been left on his own with them for up to 6 days and has played the active roll of caring for them, preparing meals for them and taking them out places, like bowling or the cinema.

Morloth · 10/04/2011 10:44

Same forehead we discussed all this before getting married. DS2 was also all DH's idea/request so it would not have gone well if he hadn't wanted in on all the work as well as the fun stuff.

manticlimactic · 10/04/2011 10:47

My exP hardly ever takes my DD anywhere when she goes to his house (every weekend) and just sits in watching football or goes to the supermarket with her and then complains that she's on her phone all the time and wonders why she really doesn't want to go anymore.

SisterCarrie · 10/04/2011 13:27

My DP was quite rubbish for the first few months - it didn't occur to him that I might like a rest at home for a few hours while he and DS went to PIL's. But he's always done nappies if he's about and with a bit of gentle -nagging- encouragement, has got lots better at being hands on.

So far this weekend he has got up to settle DS on Friday night, taken him to PIL all morning yesterday while I cleaned, he has washed up bottles twice, played with DS loads, given him milk and meals, done breakfast and amused DS for a few hours so I could have a lie in this morning.

He works long hours in the City and is out from 6.30am to at least 8pm every day, so he's not v confident about bath and bedtimes or settling DS for naps, but he needed to be asked to take more on at weekends, as he would happily sit with the paper and a cuppa / lie in until 1pm as he did pre-DS.

I got really frustrated that my 'job' never ended but his did, so I totalled up what it would cost him to employ a day and night nanny, housekeeper, cleaner, cook, PA and laundress if I wasn't there to do it all, esp at the weekends. After that, he realised he should share the childcare more and shoulder some of the load - he even washes bottles up at night sometimes now!

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